Dairy of a theif
by welcometofightclub
Summary: it's basically excripts from cooper's diary and moments from his life. takes place after Sly 3. inspired by the TV show "Titus." little bit of OC here and there.rated T for language and some adult situations.
1. have your cake and eat it too

**Hey guys. First time writing a story for sly cooper. This was the first video game I had an obsession with. I thought it was only fitting that I wrote a fan fic for it. These chapters are basically Titus episodes with all the characters, replaced with those in the sly cooper universe. It sounds cheesy, but I like the idea enough to write a fan fic like this. Please review. These stories contain excerpts from cooper's diary. So it changes POV quite a lot. Also, some of the characters are oc. I doubt that Carmelita is one to cry. And that Sly is this snarky.**

**Note: I do not own any of the rights for sly cooper, or Titus. **

Titus episode: The Breakup.

Chapter one: Have your cake and eat it too.

_Cooper's diary. May 1, 2010. (1 month into Carmelita's relationship.)_

_Thieves cannot live with Happiness. We can't have our cake and eat it too. Say if one day, I were caught. I know that's impossible, but let's just say that happens. The cops would not only go after me, but my love ones as well. That's why criminals have to destroy any happiness that we get. I'm thankful that I decided to fake amnesia on Kaine Island. But then, I fell in love with her._

_Carmelita Fox. Adverb. Meaning Hot, sexy, sassy, and the love of my life._

_I remember the first night we made love. It was about two weeks into faking my amnesia, and I finally grew the courage to ask her out. When we did, we brought food for a picnic and we dined at the park. Unfortunately, I forgot it was sprinkler night. While I ran away, being skittish, Carmelita, never once, broke her stride. She just walked through the sprinklers like it was no big deal. I ran back to her. For at that moment, I fell in love. She was strong, caring, compassionate, brave, forceful, her composure…_

_And, if you looked hard enough, you could see her nipples. _

_So I moved in with her, so I could visit those nipples every day. _

_They're my friends._

_About another week later, and a month into our relationship, I realized that this was no act. She was not faking any of the emotions that she was conveying. I loved her._

_I'm having my cake._

_But I can't eat it too._

_I don't deserve this kind of happiness. What if an enemy of mine found out about us? He'd probably kill her. I don't want her dead. I Love her._

_So If I don't deserve this happiness. How can I destroy it?_

_Wait, I forgot. I'm faking amnesia. _

* * *

Carmelita was pissed. All this time, he'd been faking it. He lied to her. He told her that he didn't remember a thing. And she believed him. How gullible was she? She just let him use her like that. _Dirty rotten little thief._ He stole her heart, and broke it. She was currently throwing a tantrum, smashing precious items that were hers with a baseball bat. Sly had a strange look on his face as she did this. Part of him looked shocked, like every other man would if his ex was going psycho and smashing things in her path. But there was another side of him that looked as if he'd expected this, and in fact, was enjoying this.

She turned her face towards him. Her face flushed red with anger. If she had her shock pistol, she would have shot him five times already; enough to make him have a seizure.

"Why the hell did you lie to me Cooper?" she screamed.

* * *

_Wow, and I thought ending this relationship was going to be a lot harder._

* * *

"Honey," he replied, voice laced with comfort and fear. "Please put the bat down."

"Why cooper?" she yelled once more. "All this time, you've lied. I knew that you were untrustworthy, but this is even colder than Clockwerk's standards. Why?"

"If you put the bat down," he said as he stepped closer to her. "I'll explain."

The furry palms of her paws gripped that bat tightly. She wanted to beat him into submission. She wanted him to bleed until he really lost his memory. She wanted to scare him for life.

But, she couldn't. No matter how hard she'd try, she just couldn't force that idea into action. She loved him. Damn her emotions. She had to admit, a soft cooling Sly, was turning her on.

She dropped the bat, as tears welded her face. When Sly grabbed her into a tight hug, her fist beat him on his chest. She was crying, loudly, and nothing could comfort her.

"How could you do this to me Sly? Why would you do this to me?"

"I love you Carm," he replied. "Ever since that moment in Africa, I cared for you. I wanted you to love me back, but you wouldn't accept me in my thieve state. So, I faked Amnesia, just to be closer to you."

"But why are you breaking up with me?" She asked.

"I'm still a thief. I've been pulling jobs with the gang while we were dating. I can't be with you, and still be a thief. I can either be a lover, or a stealer. And in the showdown, as much as I love you, I can't just leave behind my destiny. I can't live with this happiness."

She grabbed the bat that was on the floor and through it at the window, shattering the glass into a thousand pieces. While this happened, she caught Sly with a wicked left hook. When he fell to the ground, Carmelita spoke.

"Well, you don't have to live with this happiness." She yelled. "Sly, me and you are through!"

* * *

_I have successfully broken up with my girlfriend._

_YES!_

_You see, this now gives me a goal; something to fix. Let the record show that she broke up with me, and I left her. I was riding on a wave of "I know what the hell is going to happen." I'll come back in three days, talk to her, she'll forgive me, and then after a good 14 days, I'll dump her ass, leaving me better than she. I no longer will have my cake. And, I can go back to my life of crime without sneaking around her back._

_But here's the problem._

_Girls have a post break up "I'm going to eat cookies and cry period."_

_I had a " hey, you didn't hurt me, so I'm going to find a girl that looks just like you and do her to prove how much you didn't hurt ME!!"……..period. _

_I met her at a bar, she was asking me why I was crying, and I told her that my girlfriend broke up with me._

_Her name was Tiffany; noun. Meaning doggy waitress that I had a one night stand with._

_Hey, Carmelita broke up with me._

_I should have never returned back to her apartment._

_I just couldn't get her out of my head. No matter how hard I tried, Carmelita was still the love of my life._

_I decided to visit her one last time, after that night with Tiffany._

_It was such a stupid thing to do._

* * *

Sly felt like complete shit. First chance he gets he sleeps with a waitress. He just wanted to talk to Carmelita one last time, before he left her for good, and continued his life of crime with the gang. He made sure that he didn't make a sound when he entered the apartment. He looked at the empty room. It had been a day since Carmelita broke up with him. His heart raced. What the heck was he doing here? If Carmelita was still mad at him, he could get arrested, or worse.

He was just about to head out of the apartment, for a second time, when he heard those recognizable footsteps coming from the left side of the room.

Emerging from the darkness was none other than his ex-lover, Carmelita. She had the same exact look in her eyes just like Sly. It was sadness. It was such a stupid thing to do, to break up with him.

_Why?_

Because he lied.

_But everyone lies, including your boss. Why did you let one little lie ruin your relationship? _

Little, he faked Amnesia for an entire month.

_He did it just to get closer to you._

Well it doesn't matter now does it? I broke up with him. So it's over. No matter how much I want him back, I can never have him again.

_Maybe you can._

The couple just sat there in silence, looking into each other's eyes. It was one of those long awkward pauses that you only saw on the Television. But this was real. Sly was the first to break the silence.

"Well," he stated stuttering. "I'm going to g-g-go pack my s-s-stuff."

"You can't." Carmelita said immediately. She had a tone in her voice that sounded disappointed. _Curse these Feelings._ She thought.

Sly thought of the worse.

"Awe man," he said annoyed. "Did you burn my clothes?"

Carmelita chuckled at this statement.

"No." she said. When she gathered the courage, she slowly walked up to Sly.

"I just realized something today." She told him as she cupped his cheek.

"W-w-what?" he said nervously.

"I love you." And with that statement, she planted a soft kiss on his lips.

"I never want to let you go." She declared. "Sure, it was a stupid thing for you to do lying about amnesia for an entire month. But, you only did it just to get closer to me. And I think that's very sweet." She planted another kiss on his lips, this one longer than the last. Sly's arms started to travel down Carmelita's waist, as her arms gripped Sly's neck tightly.

She broke the kiss.

"I have something to show you." She stated softly.

Sly started to undo his belt.

"No." she said as she gripped his hands. "It's not sexual. It's just something I have to show you."

She disappeared into the kitchen, and when she returned, in her arms was a basket.

* * *

_Sweet! I'm having my cake, and I'm eating it too. I have no problem with this. _

_So in her arms was this gift basket. Filled with cookies, and letters, and poems, and roses. All of this was homemade. There was not one generic thing about it._

_So has I read the beautiful words, and ate those delicious cookies, and stared into her beautiful hazel eyes, I realized something._

_*sigh*_

_I owned her ass._

* * *

He read those beautiful words that Carmelita had written about him. She was acting so different. And so he. It was never like himself to judge, but this was an opportunity he couldn't pass up. He owned her ass. He had her by an invisible leash of trust and need. And while he usually gave her some slack, once and a while, like now, he'd tug on the leash.

"You know that you missed spelled worship." He stated while pointing at the paper.

She smiled. However, on the inside, she was raging. _I know that I missed spelled it you cocky son of a b****_

"Yeah, but I was thinking about you most of the time." She lied.

Sly chuckled. _He was a pimp._

He kissed her once on the lips. He wanted to test how far she'll let him use his power.

"It's okay." He said like a smart ass.

And wouldn't you know. No shock pistol, no slap in the face, no rebuttal; this was a dream come true. He had all the power, and Carmelita was his girlfriend. Hell yeah!

Still he had to apologize for what he said to Carmelita earlier. It was a total doucebag move on his part. But still, at the same time, he didn't want her to know his weakness.

He kissed her softly on her lips.

"You know that make me very happy, right?"

Then Carmelita did the unthinkable. She crawled up from the floor where she was sitting while watching Sly read her letters, moved up to the couch, and straddled his waist. As she spoke, her fingers made small circles in his fur, while she slowly unbuttoned his shirt.

When she spoke, her voice was laced with humor, sultry, and lust.

"You know that I can make you even happier."

He replied with a soft moan, while her hands roamed his body even more.

* * *

_All of the Happiness was freaking me out, man!_

_I mean don't get me wrong. I'm a man. And all men love sex. But the problem was, Carmelita was reminding me of something._

_If I stayed with her, all of my dreams would come true._

_WELL THEN WHAT?!_

* * *

His breathing was going strong as he rose from the sheets where he and his girlfriend laid. It was a night of wild passion, and lust. Jesus, and he had only been in her apartment for three hours. His girlfriend was giggling at how amazed he looked.

"I told you I'd make you happy, right?" she stated. "So, are you happy?"

"Very-much-so." He stated between his hyperventilation. She laughed and crawled back on top of him. She planted a soft kiss on his chest, and ruffled the fur in his hair even more.

"So lover," she asked very seductively. "Are you ready for round 3?"

"As much as I'd like that," Sly began. "I need to use the restroom."

"Okay dear." She stated as she planted one more kiss on his lips.

Sly rose from the bed sheets, his tail finally lost all of its strength, and was just being dragged along the floor. He was limping.

_Dear god, _Carmelita thought sarcastically. _I hope that I didn't hurt him._

She giggled.

Then the phone rang.

She rolled over to the night stand where the phone rang. She checked the caller ID, and didn't recognize the number. _It's probably the police calling me. They usual don't use the regular number when dealing with Sly. But Sly is right here in my bed. So who the hell is calling?_

Unsure of who was on the other end, she slowly picked up the phone, and placed it next to her tipped ear.

"Hello."

* * *

_Have you ever hear that saying "Blessings can be curses in disguise, and vice versa." No? Well here's what it means. Everything that looks good may in fact be very bad for you. An example of this is cigarettes. It also means that everything that seems bad at the moment could very well be a blessing. _

_An example of this happened at that very night with Carmelita._

_I was using the restroom, after a long hard shag with my lovely senorita. _

_I was riding a high and glorious wave. Carmelita had accepted me back into her bed and she was doing everything I told her._

_Part of me was freaked out by all of this happiness._

_But another part of me didn't give a damn. I had Carm in my arms, and I was in charge. I thought "I might as well stay for at least more than 14 days."_

_Then I exited the Restroom._

_If I recall, the phone landed just above my head._

_I saw Carmelita, with her hand on both of her hips, and her foot tapping furiously. She held a piece of paper in her hand, and had an angered look on her face. I feared the worse. She probably found out about the job that me and the rest of the gang did a couple of weeks ago. I swear, I didn't mean for the guard's leg to get broken._

_She didn't learn about the job._

_Instead, she found out about something worse. _

_She held the piece of paper up so my eyes could read what it said. She then said two words that to this day, still give me nightmares._

"_Who's Tiffany?" she asked. _

* * *

Sly's eyes grew wide. Never before in his life had he been this scared. When he tried to speak, his voice came out in only squeaks and stutters. Carmelita just stood there, with her foot tapping viciously and her hand on her hip.

"Well," she asked in an evil tone.

Sly was finally able to speak through his fear.

"Y-y-y-y-you broke up with m-me." He finally crooked out.

Carmelita's eyes started to grow wide, as she feared that Sly had done the impossible. Sly had to clarify his actions, but as he did, he only made the problem between him and her worse.

"I was all alone." He spoke fast. "And I love you so much, and I was just drinking coffee, and then she started to talk to me, and……I love you." He squeaked.

Her eyes welded with tears._ He did it. That son of a bitch, low life scum did the unthinkable_. He had cheated on her. She wanted to beat the holy living shit out of him, but at the moment, all she could do was cry.

"You slept with her?" she cried.

"She said 'do you want some pie' I had no clue it was a metaphor."

Then the water falls fell from her face. _How could he do it? Why would he do it? Was there any point in cheating on her? _

Sly started to reach out his hands to hug her.

"Don't touch me you bastard!" she screamed.

That made Sly step back a good 5 feet.

"I had EVERYTHING, in my life betted on you Cooper." She cried. "You were my knight in shining armor. You were the one. That was the reason I lied to you when you fake amnesia. I wanted to spend my entire life with you. And now, you did this? Why?"

* * *

_We fought for the next twelve hours. It was that long hard fighting where the woman was screaming and you feared for your life. But, after those twelve hours of hell were over with, we finally came to an agreement._

_She owned my ass._

* * *

"Honey please," Sly begged. It was now he who was on the ground, begging as Carmelita sat upon the couch. "I love you. I only want to make it up to you."

"How can you make it up to me?" Carmelita replied viciously. "You were knee deep in poodle waitress."

"I'll do anything." Sly replied.

_Poor choice of words, _Carmelita thought.

"Anything?" she answered. "Ok." Then she stood before him, and pointed at him with a direct order. "Punch yourself in the temple as hard as you can, and then you can make it up to me."

Carmelita thought Sly would just answer her back with something like 'but I'm your little ringtail.' Instead, Sly held up both of his fist to his face.

"Left or right side babe." He replied. "Cause I love you!"

Carmelita just rolled her eyes. _Typical, a man would do anything for sex, even punching himself._ What Carmelita didn't know, was Sly wasn't going to punch himself for sex, but he was going to punch himself out of pure love.

She walked slowly to the kitchen. Sly got up from his knee's, and followed her, pleading.

"There's got to be something I can do to make this right again." He stated.

"Ok!" she replied snarky. "Tell me, what did Tiffany look like?"

Sly gawked at her. How the hell was he suppose to respond to that? Maybe if he just didn't tell her, it would all be better.

"I can't remember." He said in utter fear.

"Well!" she screamed. "She must have been _real _special huh?"

She was about to leave the kitchen, when Sly thought he came up with utter gold. In reality however, it was utter shit.

"No, no no. Wait. I remember. She looked just like you."

The ceramic pot missed his head by about three inches.

"Oh! She looked just like me!" She screamed in anger and frustration.

"Only younger?" he replied with a squeaky voice.

Her eyes grew wide in disbelief. _Did he really just say that out loud?_

Sly could sense misjudgment in the air.

"No!" he screamed, trying to get Carm to understand. "What I mean by that is, she's young, and you look just like her. So in reality, as old as you are, you look really young."

She just stood there with wide eyes, a gapped mouth, and the look of that brewing darkness called anger. _Man, Sly may be a good flirt; he's retarded when it comes to relationships._

"Well now I feel pretty." She sarcastically replied.

Sly just shook his head in defeat.

"Please, just tell me what you want-"

"You know what I want to know is," she interrupted while poking his chest stiffly. "When you were doing her, did you ever think of me, or did you never think of me at all?"

He just stood there like a lost puppy; eyes round, tears in his eyes, and that feeling of 'What the F*** am I suppose to say.' This would go down in the history books, as one of the most uncomfortable moments in his life.

"Alright that has to be a trick question." He replied angry. Just what was he suppose to do to win the affection of his lover back? That's all he wanted. He just wanted a way to end this fight before it escalated into Carmelita shooting him. _Please god, _he thought. _If you're up there, please help me. I need a way out of this. Please? _

As if on cue, the telephone rang. He reached out to answer it.

"Don't move!" she screamed.

Cooper's body shivered in fear.

"Let's just see what the pie making HOE has to say."

He just stood there, and waited. He knew that as soon as Tiffany's voice accompanied the voice mail box, hell would break lose, and he'd be on the run from Carmelita once more, this time just for dear life. He waited. He waited until the phone rang three times, and neither he nor Carmelita answered. He waited until that cheesy answering the machine came on. He waited until Carmelita said, "So leave a message after the beep." Then he waited.

And did you know what happened next? A miracle.

"Hi, Carmelita. This is Randy, from last night."

Her eyes widen in terror. Sly noticed this. Carmelita's body shook with fear. _Oh god! I told him not to call in three days. _He saw Carmelita, who was shaking in fear, and put two and two together. _That hypocritical whore! She hated how I cheated when she broke up with me, and now on the answering machine, is "Randy!" _

Carmelita reached out to grab the phone. Sly stopped her.

"Don't move!" Cooper screamed in perfect unison with Carmelita's earlier scream. They both listen to the performance that Randy was giving.

"You left your sweater at my place." Randy continued. "I was wondering if you could head back to my place tonight and "Pick it up." *chuckles* Call me." And slowly, Randy hung up the phone.

Carmelita, who was standing with her finger close to the delete button, meet Cooper's eye's for a few seconds. Sly's foot was tapping viciously, as he did a spot on impression of Carmelita. She gave off a nervous laughter, sweat starting to emit from her brow. When Cooper asked her….

"Now, who's Randy?"

Carmelita had never been so stone cold busted in her life.

* * *

_All of my past girlfriends had the post break up, "Eat cookies and cry period." Carmelita had the same exact reaction, except that she didn't eat her cookies alone._

_She ate them with a guy._

_In a bed._

_Naked!_

* * *

_*Flashback*_

It had only been 9 hours since Cooper left the apartment, yet somehow, Carmelita had manage to eat through 4 boxes of thin mints and a box of Chips-a-hoy. She needed some more food, STAT. So she went down to the old convenience store, just a few blocks away from her apartment. She didn't drive. It gave her more time to think, more time to cry, more time to realize that it was such a stupid decision to break up with Sly. She walked into the store, and was greeted by a familiar face. Randy and she were old high school lovers. They did a couple of late night romps, but that was all it was, Lust not love. Neither of them spoke to each other when she first entered. She went to the back, grabbed as many boxes of the cookies as she could, and headed back to the counter. Randy could tell that she was experiencing a post break up.

"What did he do?" he asked her.

"I have no clue what you're talking about." She replied.

"Oh come on Carm. I can read you like an open book. The cookies; the bloodshot eyes, just tell me. What did he do to you?"

Carmelita complied. There was no use in arguing with him. All she wanted to do was get her cookies and get out.

"The bastard faked amnesia."

Randy understood. Faking an illness to get tail was like faking a British accent; sooner or later, bits and pieces of you are going to unfold. Randy looked towards Carmelita's eyes, and noticed that she was crying. She needed someone to comfort her. Maybe that someone was Randy. It would only be for one night; he already knew the consequences of starting a relationship with her.

"You know that I get off in 20 minutes."

"Really?" she sniffled.

Randy let out a smug laugh.

"You know that you can't eat all of those cookies, now can you?"

And that's how Carmelita found herself in a bed with Randy. Again.

* * *

She was kissing Sly as fast as she could. She knew that if Sly got her to confess what she did, he'd hang it over her head for about five weeks. He had the ability. Once he found out about something embarrassing, he'd gloat about it until he got tired of saying the same story over and over again. A perfect example of this was Morocco. Oh how she hated Morocco.

Her kissing was trying to distract Sly from remembering the voice mail. And she was doing a good job at this, but however, Sly never forgot things. So, when she stopped her kisses, Sly asked, again….

"So who's Randy?"

She let out a small groan in defeat.

"Look," she began. "We both made mistakes, let's just leave it at that. Ok?"

Sly could hide that smug grin across his face. He now had that leash tight around her neck.

"You're absolutely right." He stated, trying to cover the over confidence in his voice. "I forgive you."

"And I forgive you too." She replied.

They both got up from the couch they sat on. They started to clean up the room, filled with pieces of trash and broken items. Carmelita was just happy that the fight was over. Sly however, had other Ideas.

* * *

_When you're already ass deep into the fight, you can either go two ways._

_This relationship is over, I'll end it civilly. I will no longer ask questions, and I'll leave it at that._

_or_

_This relationship is over. I might as well crank in a couple of quick shots._

* * *

"So did you sleep with him?" Sly asked.

Carmelita let out a nervous laughter.

"I really feel uncomfortable about this." She replied.

"I understand that it's just that I would really like to now."

"You slept with a waitress, and I hung out with an old boy friend. Let's just leave it at that."

Sly had an Idea pop into his head. _"Hung out." That could imply many things. _If he wanted to get in his couple of crank shots, He'd have to know more.

"We have to be perfectly honest to each other." He stated.

"I know." She replied.

"So why is it so hard for you to answer the question?" he chuckled.

Carmelita laughed back.

"Do you want me to be fully honest?" She asked.

"Nothing more, nothing less." He told her.

She let out a small chuckle, as Sly picked up two plates of food. God, how was she supposed to say it without Sly overreacting.

"Yes. I did sleep with him."

Sly dropped both of the plates he was picking up. They shattered on impact with the floor.

"Now I know!" he sang.

That's when it hit her. Sly was defiantly not letting this one go. _Oh god, what Have I done? _

"You Hoe!" he sang in satisfaction.

_And now he calls me a hoe, _she thought. She started throwing pieces of trash that she was currently picking up. Then she headed towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, well how much did you have to pay for a slice of Tiffany pie?" She then disappeared behind the kitchen door.

"You broke up with me." Sly yelled as he headed towards the kitchen. "I had a 'get to sleep with a waitress free' card."

* * *

When he opened the door, Sly was surprised at what he saw. Carmelita had a look of shock on her face. She was not the only presence in the room though. There he stood, in all his pink glory, eating fried chicken that came from the fridge. He acted like it was no big deal, just for him to waltz into the house and eat food from their fridge. He was a big man. He was also a friend of Sly's.

And, he's a hippo.

"Hey bro." Murray talked to Sly as he chewed through the cold slices of refrigerated fried chicken.

Sly was angered at Murray's 'not a care in the world' expression.

"Hey bro." Sly replied viciously. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Eating chicken." He replied calmly.

"Well we can see that." Sly answered dryly. "But why the hell are you in my house?"

"You gave me a key for emergencies." He stated smoothly, as without any care of his presences in the home.

"So you had….a…_Chicken emergency!" _he stated very irate at Murray's presence.

"Exactly." He said. "But don't get in a fuss with me. At least I'm not the one who slept with 'Randy.'"

As he said this, he made his head twitch towards Carmelita. Sly hung his head in embarrassment. Apparently Murray had been here longer than just a few minutes ago.

"How long were you here?" He asked confound.

"I've been here since 'she looks like you only younger.'"

Carmelita flashed Sly a look, as if to say, _yeah, it does sound stupid._

Murray realized that his presence was getting on the nerves of everyone around him.

"I'm not the only one here." Murray proclaimed. "Bentley is here as well."

Sly looked up towards the heavens. _Really God. It's not enough for Murray to be here at one of my most embarrassing moments, but for Bentley to be here as well. _

Sly heard the clinking and tinkling of the mechanical, fake, metallic legs moving down the hall. Bentley made himself prostatic legs about a week after the Kaine Island incident. At first, He only used them when he was out in public. But later on, he started remembering the joys of walking. He remembered what it was like to actually be able to move around. Plus, it made sex with Penelope much better. The only down side to the legs was that since they were metal, when he walked, the legs would clink against the floor. People could hear him walking from a mile away.

So Sly could hear Bentley trying to escape the apartment.

"Just come out Bentley," sly yelled in defeat. _Great God. It's real nice that the whole gang is here to witness the breakup of me and Carmelita. _

When Bentley entered the room, a strange awkward silence was all that was heard.

"Hey, I didn't get here till 'pie making hoe.'"

That just made the presence there much more worst.

"Listen Sly," Bentley began. "We can help."

Sly didn't need help in destroying his relationship. He started to shove his friends out the door. Bentley really wanted to help. So he started listing off reasons why Sly would need Bentley on his side.

"I have a master's degree in psychology."

"Get out." Sly mumbled bitterly.

"I worked as a part time consultant for divorced couples." Bentley replied.

They'd reached the door.

"Get out." Sly said, trying to keep calm.

When Murray and Bentley strode out the door, Sly thought it was over. However, Bentley had more to say.

"I have a loving relationship with Penelope!"

"Get out!" he screamed. With this, he shoved Bentley down onto the floor in the hallway. He didn't care if Bentley was his friend, or if he was a cripple. All that Sly wanted was peace and quiet, while he contemplated different things that he wanted to Say to Carmelita. The fight was not over. Oh no. it was only begging. Time to put in those couple of cheap shots.

* * *

They had been fighting for over three hours. It was just a nonstop argument. Sly would be picking out Carmelita's faults while Carmelita did the same thing to Sly. He wondered how the hell all of this started. But it didn't matter. All that mattered now was who could retaliate the most.

"You know how you tell me that you're afraid that you're not funny." Sly stated. Carmelita turned her head towards Sly; with a frown on her face, and irate thoughts traveling through her head. "Well guess what, I was just kidding. Listen to this." He did a fake laugh that seemed very real. "You see. That was my fake laugh."

She let out an angered sigh.

"Yeah, well guess what?" she yelled. "You know how you confessed to me that you think that you're not that smart. Well guess what, it wasn't a confession. It was an insight. Hey wait a minute, insight; that's another word you can't spell."

Sly let out a small: Pffff.

"Yeah, well at least I can read at a ninth grade level. I'd like to see the I.Q test on your little 'pump and go.'" He was referring to Randy.

"I wasn't really paying attention to his smarts. I was paying attention to him towering over me." She gave a small smug grin when she saw the defeated open mouth on Sly's face. "He's a body builder."

Sly went back to cooking his dinner, when a brilliant thought came to mind.

"So he's a body builder?" Sly rhetorically asked. Then he let out a small chuckle. "Well I hope he showed you some moves. Because lately, you've gained seven pounds."

She lost it. The plates that she was holding, she threw and smashed on to the hard wood floor. Her eye's glared red with anger, and her hand reached out and grabbed Sly on the throat.

"Say that again." Carmelita ordered viciously.

Sly was no wussy. He could take anything. He just sat there, with Carmelita's hand over his throat, and smiled.

"You've gained seven pounds." He replied.

She jerked him and threw him onto the floor. He sat there, rubbing the bump on his head, and looked up at Carmelita.

"YEAH, WELL RANDY MADE LOVE TO ME ON HIS KITCHEN TABLE AND I NEVER ORGASMED LIKE THAT WITH YOU!!!"

* * *

_Okay. That one hurt. That was a good one. Yeah. That one got me right in the testacles. Oh, boy. That one hurt. _

_And that was that switch moment. That was the moment where I had to end the fight. So I told her what I had to say._

* * *

Carmelita was laughing. _Did he say what I think he said? _She couldn't believe it.

"Get the hell out what?" she asked. Did Sly really mean what he said?

He just stood there and sighed. He repeated what he said earlier.

"I said 'Get the hell out Bitch.'"

She just gawked at him while laughing.

"You know, I should feel sorry for you. The way that you were raised made you this way."

"Hey, it's not my fault that my parents were killed in front of me."

"It's not that. It's your blood line. You all are thieves, and the sad part about it is you're too weak to stop being one."

"No, I'm not weak."

"Yes you are. Say it. 'I Sly Cooper am weak!'"

"Well, then you say 'I Carmelita Fox am just like all the other cops out there; stuck up, arrogant, pigs!'"

"Well 'I Sly Cooper am just like all the other thieves out there. I lie, I steal, and I break the hearts of women who only wanted love!'"

"And 'I Carmelita Fox am afraid to love. So the only way I could get a guy to love me, was to lie to his face!'"

"'I Sly Cooper, faked amnesia!'"

"'And I Carmelita……………..had a boy friend who cheated on me."

There was a dreadful silence that filled the room. Carmelita's face, which was once filled with anger, was now filled in sadness. How could she be so mean? She hurt him, a lot. The look on his face told it all. Sly had been defeated. He just saw the error in his ways, and he could have ended it sooner, before anyone got their feelings crushed. But he didn't and was now going to live with this guilt the rest of his life. He slowly moved over to the couch. He still had a limp in his stride. When he flopped down the couch, he started to rub his forehead, realizing all of his wrong doing.

"Oh my god." He sighed. He was disgusted at himself. "The first chance I get, I sleep with a waitress."

Carmelita sat there, flicking her eyes between Sly, and her thumbs which she was currently twiddling. Part of her wanted to be up in his face, screaming, "Damn right you screwed up." The other part of her, felt guilty for herself. She was no better than Cooper. Slowly, but surly, she sat down beside Cooper on the couch.

"The first chance I get, I sleep with…Randy." She replied. When she said the word Randy, it sounded like she was spewing bile from her mouth.

They just sat there; staring at open space. They saw the chaos that they did to the room. Broken glass and broken dreams filled the atmosphere. They thought about their relationship, their lives, and realize how useless it really was.

"We're pathetic." Sly said.

"We hate ourselves." Carmelita said.

* * *

_It's easy to be in love when you're running through the sprinklers together while your girlfriend's tits are showing. But real love, that's where it really counts. And real love is hard. Real love comes when the two are sitting on the couch, thinking about how they've not only ruin each other, but how they've ruin themselves in the process. _

* * *

"Okay," Sly stated boldly. "The smart thing to do, the adult thing to do is to end this right now."

A silence filled the air.

"You're right." Carmelita replied.

"So we're done."

"Yes."

"It's over."

"I'm never doing this again."

That's when they noticed that while they were talking, their hand uncontrollably intertwined. Both of their faces met. And they just sat there, getting lost in each other's eyes. They felt something they had felt before, longing. It was like they were staring into mirror images of what they wanted to be, of who they wanted to be, of who they wanted to be with._ So this is true love, _Sly thought.

He had to say it. The words were weighing down on his soul day by day. They were caught on his throat, mainly because he feared rejection. But he wanted to know.

"Will…Will…w-w-Will…..will you marry me?" Sly asked scared.

Carmelita's eyes welded with tears as she embraced her lover tightly. She wanted nothing more. Ever since she started chasing him when he was just a crook, She realized that she could quit at any time. But she didn't want to. She loved Sly's presence. She loved Sly's flirting. She loved the way he looked, the way he acted, the quirks in his system, and mainly, Sly himself. She wanted nothing more, than just to spend her entire life with him.

"Yes."

* * *

_Thieves cannot live with Happiness. We can't have our cake and eat it too. But I am an exceptional thieve. For no matter how perfect me and Carmelita's lives get, I can sit back and relax. For, at one time in our lives, we cheated on each other. And no one can take that away from us._

_We'll get married in two more months. We no longer owned a phone, but I've purchased one hell of a sturdy table if you know what I mean._

* * *

**First Sly cooper Fan fic. New chapters will be added. Comments, reviews? No flames please.**

**Next chapter. Titus episode: Red asphalt. **

**And in case if you're wondering which Sly character represents which Titus character....**

**Titus=Sly**

**Erin=Carmelita**

**Dave=Murray**

**Tommy=Bentley**

**And Ken Titus=a new character I'll create. It will be Carmelita's dad and Sly's father in law. **


	2. anger

**Here is the second chapter of **_**Diary of a thieve. **_**I still don't own the rights to sly cooper. (Damn you sucker punch.)**

**I got a review last time, saying I changed the names of the characters. I still don't understand what that means. I didn't change the names. The reason I have that whole code thing at the bottom of the first chapter, is so if anyone watches an actual episode of Titus, they can see what cooper character represent what Titus character.**

**Thank you to all who review. All three of you. Please, get me more reviews. 10 reviews and then I'll start working on the next chapter.**

**Also, I wanted to keep this fan fic in the Sly cooper world. I also wanted to refer to real life things in this world. So, I changed names of certain things but yet they kept a ring to them so you'd understand what I was referring to. For example. In this chapter, Ken is a big fan of Cat Eastwood. **

**(guess who his real life counterpart is? Still don't get it. Okay. Cat Eastwood = Clint Eastwood. And Juan Clawed Van Doberman = Juan Claude Van Damme.) funny huh?**

**Titus episode: red asphalt. **

* * *

**Prologue: **

_I've learn to control my anger. I can go from calm, to furious in a heartbeat. I can be relaxed, and then ballistic in a matter of seconds._

_But am I going to live it?_

_I'm so pissed off right now, and you can't even tell._

_And that's because I'm in control. You see, I've learned to channel my anger into my use. The energy I get when I'm mad is transferred into something useful. Well, I don't think it's that useful, but at least it's a lot less dangerous than anger. And, if used properly, it's also constructive._

_It's called spite._

_Since I'm getting married to Carmelita in a couple of months, I have to meet all of her family members. Her mom left her when she was like three. Nobody has any clue what happen to her. I get along well with everyone in her family._

_Everyone except her dad._

_His name is Ken, and he's an ass; not only to me, but to Carm as well. For all of Carmelita's childhood, he was always on her case; telling her that she was not good enough, always putting her down, telling her that she should be more like her brother. What happen to daddy's little girl? And, he'd always humiliate her. There is not one picture of her dad, without a beer; weddings, funerals, waterskiing, and parent teacher conferences. (Which I will admit, are funny as hell.) On top of that, after Carmelita's biological mom left, Ken went screwing around town with every woman he met. Carm had fived mothers in her life, and when the women divorced Ken, they cleaned his ass out every time._

_This man made Carmelita's life a living hell._

_And she still puts up with it! She is such a forgiving person, and while that's good, there's got to be a line drawn. She'll forgive Ken on just about everything._

_But not me. I drew my line in the sand. _

_Carmelita told me to get a job that wasn't illegal, so I could make a good impression on her family. I did, sadly, but I'll do anything for her. I decided to get a job building custom cars. The only thing I love more than stealing, are badass hot rods. And since Murray already was a stock car driver, we used his connections, and me, Bentley, and Murray became 'Cooper high performance.' _

_Then inspiration struck me._

_In a few weeks, we (meaning Carmelita and the Cooper gang) would be celebrating Ken's birthday. Bentley picked the place and Ken chose the time (then he punched the turtle square in the face. See, I told you he's an ass.) so when the date was set, I spent hundreds of hours and hundreds of dollar bills in building a custom car for Ken._

_To make him pay for all the years he called Carm a loser. _

_Who's the loser now guy with the new car? Ah- ha!_

* * *

The gang was riding in the car that Cooper built for Carmelita's dad. It was a long drive to get to Italy. Ken was waiting for them in a restaurant to celebrate his birthday. And since no one in the car brought cell phones, IPods, or a radio since the car had none, the gang carried on polite chit chat.

"Cooper," Carmelita purred as she snuggled next to Sly while he was driving. "I can't tell you how proud I am of you for building this car. Dad's gonna, love it."

Nothing could hide that smug grin Sly was smiling. It was a wicked, evil grin.

"Yes," Cooper stated. "Your father is going to love it. And He'll have to swallow his pride and tell me and you how proud he is, once I shove this car up his ass."

Carmelita jerked violently back to her seat, and made eye contact with Sly, giving him a look of confusion. 'What the hell is he thinking?" she thought. Cooper's mood suddenly shifted, from evil, to fake innocents. He started to explain what he meant earlier.

"And the reason why I'm doing this," he explained pointedly. "Is because it's his birthday and I love him."

Her expression turned to annoyance. Cooper was doing the exact same thing he did every time some pissed him off, he would spite them.

"So you took this wonderful car, and turned it into something evil?"

"You see, that's why I love you Carmelita, because you get it."

Carmelita could do nothing except smile at her boyfriend's devilish intentions.

Bentley and Murray were in the back. Some people would ask later why they decided to tag along with Sly and Carmelita. The fact of the matter was that Penelope would be the waitress serving Ken and the rest of the gang. So Bentley had to tag along. He was in the back, fumbling around with a tie.

"Penelope is going to hate this tie," Bentley groaned. "Can you turn the car around?" he asked Sly.

"No," Cooper replied. "Make peace with the clothes you wear."

"Who's Penelope?" Carmelita asked.

"Our waitress," The turtle replied.

"You know the waitress that we are having?" She asked.

That's when Murray decided to add his two cents to the conversation.

"Bentley is having sex with the waitress we're having." The pink hippo stated.

Carmelita's mouth gaped open in surprise.

"Bentley!" She playfully teased. "No wonder you wanted us to meet my father all the way in Italy."

"It's only Sicily, and hell yeah that's why I chose Italy."

* * *

_If sex were water, Bentley hasn't have sex with Penelope in 2 years._

_It's the truth, and the truth hurts._

* * *

Carmelita sat back down in the car seat, when a thought dawned upon her.

"Wait a minute Bentley," She commanded.

Bentley looked at Carm.

"My Dad is in a restaurant, all alone, with Penelope?" then she laughed. "Well I hope the sex was memorable because it may be another two years before you get any."

"He doesn't know about it," The turtle stated calmly. "I only told you guys."

Then Murray stopped.

"Was that suppose to be a secret?" he asked politely.

At first, Bentley had no clue what the heck Murray meant. Then, as his old comment played again in his head, the turtle's mouth gapped open.

"Go!" he screamed to Sly who was driving.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Anger. **

*30 minutes later.*

"Oh," Carmelita shouted as inspiration struck her. "I almost forgot."

She reached into the glove compartment and pulled a big, giant, pink bow. She then placed that bow right on the dash. To say that Sly's face was angered, would be an understatement.

Carmelita just smiled and pointed towards the dash.

"Now the car is gift wrapped." She proclaimed.

"Now the car looks like a gift from the car fairy," Sly complained.

"Well alright mister," Carmelita stated. "How would you decorate the car?"

Sly thought about for a moment. Then he had his answer.

"I'd hang an elephant ear from the review mirror."

"I second that notion." Bentley proclaimed from the back. "Now may you please speed up?"

As soon as the green turtle said that, a red Mustang flew past the gang in and incredible speed. It was so fast that everyone's fur, skin, and scales, stood on end. It was like a flash of light, and it left the Cooper gang in the dust.

"Whoa!" Murray proclaimed. "Check out that guy."

Sly didn't want to miss this opportunity.

"Hell, we can take him. He's only going 85." Sly stated as he sped up.

As he and the car got faster and faster, Carmelita knew what was going on. Sly was trying to race him. She had to speak.

"It's not like he challenged us." Carmelita said.

There was a brief pause that filled the atmosphere. Seconds later, it was followed by hysterical laughter.

* * *

_The 'Happy Campers' orphanage where me and the gang was raised, is about five miles away from the DeMount drag strip. Most of the time, we were awoken by the sound of revving engines and crowds arriving to the races._

_So what's a challenge to me? Hell, I'll race you through a carwash. _

* * *

After Carmelita gave Sly the death stare for at least 2 minutes, the side of his neck started to smoke. So he had to say something to calm his lady down.

"Okay." Sly said. "This is not a race."

Carmelita knew that he boyfriend was lying. For one thing, his foot was still pressed to the pedal as hard as it possibly could. Secondly, she heard Sly mutter a small "You son of a" to the mustang that passed them earlier.

Sly had to explain. He turned his head toward Carmelita.

"I'm just getting Bentley to the restaurant before your dad brings up the scout story."

"I WAS RUBBING CALOMINE LOTION ON HIS POISION IVY!" Bentley yelled.

Everyone, besides Bentley and Carmelita, uproared in laughter.

Carmelita's eyes drifted to the speedometer. She gasped audibly when she noticed the speed.

"Sly," she yelled. "102?" she couldn't believe it, but with each passing second, Sly was becoming a speed demon.

And just like any man, Sly gave the most stupid, yet reasonable answer.

"Alright, if the speed scares you, buckle up."

"Please don't do this," Carmelita pleaded.

"I just want to get pass this guy."

"No, you just want to place 1st on race track earth."

"You see, that's why I love you. Because you get it."

While Sly and his future Wife argued, Murray started to rise from his seat.

"What are you doing?" Sly asked.

"I'm going to moon the mustang dude as we pass him."

"No!" Sly yelled. "First off, no one needs to see your ass and secondly, you'll slow us down with the cheek flap."

Murray stopped what he was doing at once, and contemplated what Sly said. After a few minutes, he had his answer.

"Screw it, I'm mooning him." The pink hippo exclaimed.

Bentley decided to use an old tactic the gang always used to get Murray to stop doing something stupid. The turtles hand pointed towards Murray's window.

"Murray, look, it's a cow!" he yelled.

Murray immediately placed his but back in the seat and stared out the window. When Murray saw the cow, he immediately gave a giant "Moo!" he started to laugh when the cow looked up.

"Did you see the look on his face?" Murray laughed.

"Yeah. He was horribly embarrassed." Bentley sarcastically replied.

There was a small pause, when Sly yelled at the cars in front of them.

"Hello! I'm faster than you." He exclaimed. "Move out of the way, buttwad."

Carmelita then stuck her teeth out, and did a spot on impression of Sly.

"Move out to the way, buttwad." She sarcastically impersonated.

"Hey!" Sly exclaimed.

"Not very attractive, is it?" she said. "Look, if I wanted to date a hormonally raging 17 year old male I would have dated you when you were 17. "

"Hey!" Sly yelled, this time truly offended.

"You see honey, that's why I love you. Because you get it." Carmelita stated.

Sly was ultimately impressed.

"That only took you a minute to throw that back in my face." Sly commented. "Nice job!"

"Thank you. Now may you please slow down."

"I'll always remember what my father told me about driving before he died." Bentley commented. "Drive as if every car ahead is a drunk, and every car behind you is a cop."

* * *

_That was a strange thing Bentley had said, For Carmelita agreed. And her dad taught her to drive so that every cop behind you doesn't know that you're drunk._

* * *

After a few minute of frantic driving, the mustang that passed them earlier was now finally behind then. Sly was feeling a bit more smug than usual. And he had to be. For the first time in his life, Sly had won an argument with a female partner. When he replied, not even his mask could hide his smug ass grin.

"Our problem is behind us." Sly stated.

Murray was watching out the back window at the mustang driver.

"Our problem just gave you the finger." Murray replied.

Everyone in the car turned their heads to see the driver. The man was frantic. He was a Dotson, possibly mixed with a rat terrier, and he was so mad the hair stood on end. On top of that, it looked as if he had turrets. The man was yelling and screaming obscenities, while waving his flag in the air.

This gave Sly the more urge to flip the dog off as well. Carmelita noticed.

"No!" she yelled.

The couple started grunting and groaning, as they fought over Sly's hand. Finally, Carmelita won, and Sly groaned as he slowly fell back into his seat.

"Fine." He complained. "You win."

* * *

_I've learned that being a man is not about toughness and territory. Well, actually, that's all that being a man is about. But I have to pretend because I'm with Carmelita, and she's a girl so she doesn't get it._

* * *

Carm smiled at her victory. She was unaware, however, that Sly had a secrete weapon.

"Murray," he commanded.

Murray understood Sly's intention. "Got it," Murray yelled. He got up on his seat, and looked out the back window. Then he brought up both of his hands, flipping the driver in the mustang off. He shouted, flipping off with each off his hands, "One for you, and one for me!" Sly was proud with the work he did. Carmelita, however, was all to unplease.

"I said no, and you did?" she gripped.

"Hey!" Sly defended. "I didn't do it, Murray did."

"Well technically, one is for you…" Murray stated from the back.

"Murray." Sly warned.

The car got quiet.

Bentley was freaking out, not because of the whole chase and the finger, but that fact that right now, while they were still driving, Ken Fox was at a bar somewhere, ruining the turtles relationship with Penelope.

"Yeah," He told himself out loud, unaware that others were listening. "Ken is probably saying, 'Well, Bentley is a bed wetter.'"

All the heads in the car turned towards Bentley. The turtle could feel the eyes upon him.

"Which isn't true, I only fell asleep while drinking juice."

Once all of the heads slowly turned towards the front of the dash, Carmelita began to speak to Sly.

"Okay," she yelped. "Fine. You cut the guy off, a finger has been given on your behalf, are we done?"

"Yes." Sly commented. Carmelita felt so assured. She slowly began to rest her head on Sly's shoulders. "It's over." He continued. "I am victorious."

And that's when it happened.

With a loud, _whump, _everything in the car, including its passengers were shifted forwards. Everyone was in complete shock. The car started to swerve left and right due to the sudden push. The car gained a quick jolt of speed, and then as everything began to slow down, the realization of what had just happened left Cooper shocked, angry, and confused.

* * *

_THE SON OF A BITCHED BUMPED US!_

* * *

"What the hell did we do?" Bentley screamed at what had just happen. He was trying to look for justification.

"Well, all I did was gave him the finger." Murray stated low.

"And he bumped us for that?" The Panicking turtle yelled.

Sly was more shocked than angry. However, with each passing second, rage boiled in his stomach and started to spread all over his body. He was shaking, he was so furious. Why did the Dotson in the Mustang bumped them?

"He, Bumped us?" Sly proclaimed to himself. 'And it wasn't even my car. It wasn't even my finger, and he bumped us!"

"Ahh," Murray stated. "So the jokes on him."

"Murray," Sly growled.

Testosterone filled the Pink hippo, and he came up with a plan. It was now turn for the Cooper gang to get revenge.

"Bump him back," Murray politely commanded.

"No!" Sly shouted due to his anger at Murray's stupidity. Then the Raccoon gave his fox a reassuring look in the eyes. "I am not bumping him." He told her.

Murray was outraged.

"You have to bump back," Murray grumbled.

"Murray," Carmelita said with more of a higher octave in her voice. "Sly now owns a car shop, so fixing a dent shouldn't be a problem for you big…strong…..car fixing boys." The last words had a weird hitch to them.

"That ain't the point." Murray shouted. "He gave the finger, so we gave the finger. He bumps, we bump him back."

"He spins out of control, we spin out of control." Carmelita commented.

"See?" Murray stated. "She gets it. You don't bump, it screws up the chi"

Bentley pointed towards Murray's window. "Murray, look. A cow."

Murray just rolled his eyes. "You know that doesn't work every time."

Before he sat down in his seat, however, the pink hippo gave a short glance to his window; scanning for cows.

Sly had to agree. Bumping that bastard back sounded like a really good Idea at the time. However, he had to remember who was in the car. Besides, spinning out of control didn't sound all that fun. So, with calmness overriding his rage, Sly stated, for a second time. "We are not bumping him."

Carmleita was proud of her man. 'Time to give him a little reward' she thought. Her hand slowly drifted from her arm rest, and reached towards Sly's ear. When her hand reached its destinations, her fingers started to tease the pointy lobe.

"I want you to know," she began with a quiet whisper. "How proud I am of you for leaving this guy alone."

Sly was having a hard time driving. His eyes were dancing between the road, and his future wife to be. To Carmelita, it looked as if Sly was contemplating hitting the mustang. She had to do something, so her fingers suddenly went extra fast, and fondled with the pointy ear.

"We are not striking him," she commanded. "Right?"

"y-yeah," Sly stuttered.

"I really like the feeling I get when I'm proud of you," she continue. "Do you like the feeling?"

Copper's answer came out in a long throaty moan.

"Oooohhh yeah."

* * *

_I drive on, controlling my anger. I tried thinking of happy thoughts. _

_That's real easy to do when your girlfriend is fondling with your ear. _

_But the Dotson in the mustang started to stalk us for ten miles. It was the creepiest thing ever. I change lanes, he changes lanes. I speed up, he speeds up. I slow down, and, what do you know, he slows down as well._

_And at first I thought, 'this guy is a total copycat.' So I pull over to give this guy a ten mile psycho buffer. I mean, I could have taken him, but…_

_Alright, I'll admit. The real reason I pulled over, was to check the damage of the car._

* * *

When Sly came back into the car, he seemed to act like a ten year old kid. He was almost throwing a tantrum. And for good reasons.

"Great," he whined. "There's a dent in this car. Now I have to shove a dented car up your dad's ass."

Again, Carmelita gave him the death stare. Sly had to take the defensive once more.

"Because he's your father, and I love him, blah blah blah."

Murray was vaguely disappointed. "You let him get away. " He complained.

"Is it worth putting our lives at risk over a little fender bender?" Bentley questioned.

"I'd rather die than have my girlfriend of two years think that I oiled up my scoutmaster."

"It was Calamine lotion!"

The argument between the two got heated. It such a loud argument in fact, that Carmelita felt as if she'd have to stop it. She pointed to the left of her window.

"Murray. It's another cow." She proclaimed.

Murray's eyes rolled so far into the back of his head that it almost caused internal bleeding.

"You must have very little regard for me." The hippo stated like a child.

Again, however, his head tilted towards his window. He was disappointed when he saw no cow.

"There's no cow." He complained as he stared towards the window. Then his head shot up to the front of the car. As he spoke, he looked directly at Carmelita and Sly. "There's nothing. But while were sitting here, waiting for a cow, your father Carm, and your Father-in-law Sly, is at a bar, drinking, and getting madder and madder."

The couples head turned towards each other. Their expressions were that of fear. Both of them knew Ken very well. They also knew, that the idea of him sitting at a bar getting mad was something they'd only imagine in their nightmares. The couple said, to each other, at the same exact time. "Dad's in a bar; alcohol pulsing through is veins; surrounded by people who have different opinions than his. Holy shit we got to drive!"

Sly grabbed the keys and the ignition, and cranked the car as fast as he could.

* * *

_Leave Carm's dad alone in a bar for a couple of hours, he'll start to interact with the public. And trust me, you don't want that. So drop on your knees and thank the god lord that you live where you live, and not where Ken lives. _

* * *

Ken was no stranger to alcohol. It was his favorite part of any meal; breakfast lunch or dinner. He'd drink all day, and drink all night. And when alcohol pulsed through his veins, he became a real Cat Eastwood fan.

However, he was a stranger to Juan Clawed Van Doberman fans.

"Say that again." Ken commanded to the pedestrian. Ken was only three inches from his face.

"I said it once, and I'll say it again." The stranger stated. "Juan Clawed Van Doberman would kick Cat Eastwood's ass."

Wham!

Ken's left fist did a flying left hook to the side of the strangers face. Upon impact, Blood gushed out from the stranger's cheek. The Juan Clawed fan flew towards the bar table, and his head made impact with the counter top. Before he passed out, the Stranger saw one more glimpse of Ken.

Ken got right up into his face, and mutter, in true Eastwood fashion, "Punk."

* * *

*Another thirty minutes later.*

"Oh man!" Bentley complained. "We're an hour late. Ken is going to be infuriated." Bentley couldn't help it. But all that he could think about was Ken ruining the turtle's relationship with Penelope. "He's probably telling Penolope, 'Well Bentley is a hermaphrodite.'"

Again, everyone's head, twitch toward Bentley.

"Which I'm not!" He screamed.

Carmelita was in a real pissed mood. She knew the real reason why they were late. And that reason was driving the car.

"Well, Bentley." She proclaimed. "We're thirty minutes late because of 'someone's' Finger." When she said this, her death glare was focused right on Sly.

"Oh, and you're one to talk." Sly proclaimed. "We're fifteen minutes late because 'Someone's' hair had to extra bouncy." When Sly said this, his hand reached under Carmelita's purple locks, and bounced her hair.

She still thought it was Sly's fault.

"Finger." She said.

"Bouncy." Sly stated with another bounce.

"Finger."

"Bouncy."

"Finger!"

"Bouncy."

"Finger!"

"Bouncy!"

"Finger!"

"Hey," Murray interjected. "Bouncy Finger. Wasn't that what they called Bentley at camp?"

"SHUT UP!" The turtle yelled.

Everyone in the car, Including Carmelita, had to laugh. Leave it to Murray to brighten a very dark moment.

That's when Bentley's mind drifted towards the past. And what he found, was some more dirt that he hoped to God Ken didn't know about.

"Oh God." He yelled. Sly looked up at the rear view mirror, wonder what was wrong with Bentley. "The Bunny Suit."

Everyone knew what Bentley was referring to.

"Relax." Sly Exclaimed. "It was Easter."

"No…..No it wasn't." The turtle grumbled in dissatisfaction. As Bentley said this, his eyes closed.

Carmelita seemed to be the only one in the car knowing that someone was flashing their lights at the gang.

"Who's that Flashing at us?" she asked.

Murray and Bentley moved their heads to the back window. While Sly, just looked at his rearview mirror. The car did look recognizable. It was red, mustang, and it was being driving by….

"Oh no." Sly grumbled in disbelief. "It can't be-"

"Alright." Murray shouted. "It's our psycho Dotson."

Carmelita saw the expression on her boyfriends face. He was actually shaking in rage. Not only that, but his grey fur was no beginning to boil red. Carmelita had to say something, immediately.

"Don't. Do. Anything." She commanded.

"No." Sly rebelled. "We did don't do. It didn't do anything. Now we're doing do." Sly then did two things. He stuck his right hand out the side of the window, flipped off the driver, and then motioned the driver to pull over to the side of the road.

When they finally found an exit ramp to pull over at, Carmelita was frantic. It was as if Sly was going off to war. She was trying to think of anything to say. She even threaten him with no sex for a week, and he still tried to find a place to pull over. Sly must have been really pissed off at this driver. When they pulled over, Carm grabbed her boyfriend by the arms, and looked at him straight in the eyes.

"Please. Don't. Do. This." She pleaded.

"Hey," Sly said with a charm. "I'm just going to talk to him. You know, probably get his insurance information for the dent."

She knew that sly was lying. "No you're not. You're going to beat the crap out of him aren't you?"

That's when Sly got all serious. He started to grow a strange twinkle in his eye. He looked at his girlfriend and took her by the hands. "Carm." He said, using her pet name. His voice was so quiet, and laced with a low tone it gave Carmelita shivers. He kissed her on the cheek, very slowly, and said…

"If that's what you want. Ok." He let go of her hands faster than a train. "Murray!" He commanded. The pink Hippo understood. "Got it." Murray replied. Both him and Cooper got out of the car, but before they went to talk with the stranger, his head popped back into his window.

"Bentley?" He asked. He was trying to see if Bentley wanted to join in on the smack down.

"You guys go on ahead." The Turtle replied timidly.

Cooper wasn't going to have it like that.

"Are you a Hermaphrodite, bunny suit wearing, drag queen Turtle, or are you a man?"

That struck an emotion chord with Bentley. Anger fueled his thoughts. This was going to be the time and the place to prove his man hood. Testosterone raged inside his body. And when he spoke, his voice lowered two octaves.

"I'm a Man!" he declared.

Cooper smiled at his work. Then he drifted off to the Dotson's mustang. Bentley however, was taking his time. He knew that if he got in on the middle of the fight, he was going down. So he tried wasting time, making up excuses. Yet, he still tried to proclaim his man hood.

"Yeah," he said out loud. "Cause you know how the old saying goes, 'fighting makes the loving that much sweeter.' Sly! You wait a minute. I got to take off this tie. It was given to by my mother! Sly! You save me a piece of him! I want some wussy pie!"

Carmelita watched the rear view mirror. And she noticed that Sly and Murray were sprinting back to the car. Not running, not jogging, but sprinting. It was as if Sly and Murray saw a ghost. Carmeltia wonder what got them all in a fuss. She was getting a headache from Bentley's constant yammering.

"Bentley." She said. "They're coming back."

"Oh damn." The turtle proclaimed like a man.

When Sly entered, Carmelita notice that he was reaching for the keys as fast as possible. On top of that, Murray was shaking like a leaf on a tree.

"What's a matter?" she asked Cooper.

"He has a gun," Cooper proclaimed shaking.

Carmelita was shocked.

Bentley however, didn't quite catch what Sly said.

"He has What?" Bentley yelled like a man.

Sly snapped. "HE. HAS. A. GUN!"

The turtle then lost all testosterone in his body, and screamed like a little girl, while ducking under his seat. Well, what would you do if a man was now chasing you with a gun?

* * *

Carmelita was furious. So furious in fact that she reached for her non existing shock pistol, only to discover it wasn't there. The only thing that was on her mind at the moment was how to get back at that Dotson who was now chasing them. Who was he to just have a gun? He probably didn't even own a license. What makes that Dotson think that he can just have a gun and pull it out when he's pissed?

"What makes him think that he can threaten us with a gun?" She asked Cooper, almost yelling.

Cooper, now driving at top speeds to get away from the mustang, replied shaking "He has a gun. That's why."

"But that's not how society works." Carmelita retorted. "You don't just pull out guns when you're pissed."

"I agree." Cooper stated. "But that doesn't matter right now. Because WE ARE BEING CHASED BY A GUY WITH A GUN!"

Carmelita couldn't believe her eyes. Sly was becoming a wimp. Was this a product of her creation? On top of that, no one didn't even do a thing about the situation they were in.

"Y-y-y-you should have done something." She stuttered. "You should have hit him. You should've smacked him. You should've taken his gun. Because that Dotson behind us, is nothing but a big BULLY! And he needs to be BITCHED SLAPED!"

Sly couldn't believe his ears. Carmelita was no in full rage mode. He had never seen her like this; unless you counted the time Sly revealed he had faked amnesia. (oh the horror.) To be honest, Sly was actually frightened by Carmelita's anger.

"Are your ancestors coming out?" Sly asked trying to get an explanation for Carm's anger.

* * *

_Carmelita is a mixed breed. She is half Latin Fox and half Irish Doberman. The Irish side of her is that mean Irish. But the good thing about her Irish side is that it's northern Irish. So she won't kill you but if you piss her off enough she'll put a bomb in your car. I learned that on her birthday. (note to self: never give money to your girlfriend on her birthday. Because money is for hookers and presents are for girlfriends. However, don't take that money back, because apparently, if your girlfriend is doing you, she is so good that she should be paid. Yet, still, do not pay her.)_

_The second side of her is Latin._

* * *

Carmelita was now acting like a maniac. She was reaching into her purse, grabbing for something, anything to use as ammunition.

Sly had no clue what Carmelita was doing.

"uh.. Carm." He asked her, shaken. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm going to give that guy a taste of his own medicine for he's a FREAK!"

At first, Murray was enthusiastic.

"Oh cool!" the pink hippo exclaim. "You brought you shock pistol."

"No, Murray." She laughed, almost insanely. "I've got something even better."

When she pulled out the object, Sly was flabbergasted. The object was really small, but was still big enough to not fit in the paw of her hand. It was very juicy red. It shined a strange glow. And it was a fruit.

Anyone could tell you, that the object she was holding was an apple.

"What are going to do with that?" Sly asked.

"I'm going to throw it at him." Carm replied, with her arm already extended to throw the apple.

Everyone in the car, at that moment, lunged for the apple. Yelling "Stop!"

* * *

_As I said, Carmelita is half Latin. So she is an expert when it comes to fruit. Add that to the fact that she is also half evil northern Irish and you get this._

_You give Carmelita a piece of fruit, someone's going down. _

* * *

Sly had to make sure that his arm was griped tightly around her arm. He thanked god that he grabbed her arm in time before she threw the apple. He couldn't believe that Carmelita thought that throwing a fruit would be a good idea. 'Has she lost her mind?' he asked himself.

"Honey," he screamed. "You throw fruit, he shoots bullets. Do you see the arsenal weakness that we have?"

That's when Carmelita did the unthinkable. She started to laugh.

"He's not going to shoot that thing." She told sly.

'Okay, its official, she has lost her mind.' Sly thought.

"Does anyone have bright Ideas that will not get us Killed?" Sly asked the gang.

"I think that we should do something about gun control in Europe. " Bentley asked.

Sly was the only one in disbelief.

"Right now?" he asked

"You know," Murray interjected. "Paris needs to be more like Great Britain. They don't have guns there. All they have are Billy clubs."

"Are you kidding?" Carmelita yelled. "If that was the case, my job would be boring as shit."

Murray's eyes drifted up to the front of the dash. He was able to make out a silhouette in the distance. It was obviously a hitchhiker. He leaned over and talked to Sly.

"Hey look." Murray announced to Cooper. "It's a hitchhiker."

"So?" Cooper asked.

"Well, he might have a gun." The Hippo exclaimed.

Sly started to fume in his seat. 'I now know why Moe is so mad,' he thought.

Bentley was about to crack. The pressure was too much. They were being chased by a guy with a gun, and with each passing minute, the car got closer, and closer, and closer. He had to speak. "Go Faster!" the turtle yelled.

"It can only go 110." Sly announced.

"I now know why you're giving this car to Ken," Bentley exclaimed. "Because it sucks."

"Yeah. Great freaking birthday present, Cooper!" Murray sarcastically snorted.

"Oh, what did you get him?" Cooper asked rhetorically.

"Well, I got him a cell phone." Murray announced smug.

Everyone in the car was in shock. All this time, during all of this chaos, Murray had a cell phone. And he never used it. Just how stupid was he? Sly wanted to smack that hippo repeatedly upside the head. Carmelita wanted to shove Murray in a fire. And Bentley, well he wanted Murray to meet his old scout master.

"You've got a Cell phone?" everyone in the car shouted.

"Oh, man. Don't tell me that you have one too?" Murray complained.

"Give us the cell phone you freaking moron!" Carmelita shouted.

"Use your own." Murray said like a child.

"None of us have ours with us." Cooper screamed.

That's when all hell broke loose. Everyone in the car was on a rampage for the cell phone. Bentley grabbed Murray's hair and started to shake him. Carmelita turned around and started to strike the hippo with her bear fist. Sly, still concentrated on driving. But every once in a while, he'd throw in a punch or two.

Then, Murray snapped.

"ALL RIGHT!" he screamed. "I'LL MAKE THE CALL!"

Everyone slowly fell back in their seats. Murray started to dial those easy to remember numbers, 911. But before he pressed talk, Murray stated one more proverb of stupidity.

"You know, sometimes they use these calls on TV."

Everyone groaned.

The 911 call went something like this.

* * *

**Operator: 911, what's your emergency sir?**

**Murray: I'm Murray. **

**Operator: what's your emergency…Murray?**

**Murray: I'm in a car, and there's this Guy chasing us with a gun.**

**Operator: Has he fired the weapon yet? **

***long pause that lasts about 5 seconds***

**Murray: is this going to be on TV? Cause I'd like to give a shout out to my friend Monica.**

***Rumbling noise. Expletive heard. Fighting insuing.***

**Operator: Sir? Are you all right Sir?**

**Carmelita: This is detective Carmelita Fox of France Interpol.**

**Operator: Yes Carmelita. What seems to be the emergency?**

**Carmelita: we are on highway 50, between Italy and France, and we are being chased by a Dotson, in a Mustang, with a gun.**

**Operator: where are you on Highway 50 madam? **

***Long pause.***

**Carmelita: *talking to Sly* where are we on highway 50?**

**Sly: Where? *pause* Between Italy and France.**

***Gunshot heard.***

***long pause***

**Carmelita: *very quiet.* he's fired the weapon. We don't have much time. Please hurry.**

**Operator: Madam, please stay on the phone. We'll track you. Help is on the way.**

* * *

The sound of silence was all that filled the car. Most of the gang feared their lives. Some were trying to remember the good times. They were looking at death, right down the barrel. It was a pretty depressing mood. So this was how it was going to end for the Cooper gang? No epic battle, no quiet peaceful death; just being in a car, chased by a guy with a gun, waiting for him to fire once more, and end their lives. It was at this moment, that most people would try to spill some truth off their chest. Murray was the first to do so.

"I'm not real." He stated.

Sly and the others were confused.

"What?" the ringtail asked.

"While you guy's knew your parents, and they died, I knew my father, and yet he's still alive. I was five when he dropped me off. He just said 'see you later' and he never returned. So I'm not really a real orphan."

"Why are you telling us this when there's a guy chasing us with a gun?" Sly asked Murray.

"That's why I'm telling you." He replied. "My father left because he didn't want to be a father. I'm going to die without a real dad."

That's when Murray started to cry. Sly wanted to help the hippo, but since the raccoon was driving, his only comfort was through words. And Sly, was not much of a talker.

"Hey now," Sly stated. "Do you know the real definition of a father? Fathers are kind and caring. But, yet, at the same time, they give you strength by ruining your self esteem. They give you the hard facts of life. Hell, in some cases, I'm your dad."

There was a long pause.

"Metaphorically, I'm like your dad." Sly clarified. "Hell, the whole cooper gang is like a family to you. We put your naked butt on the internet." Murray stated to smile. "People from all around the world can log on to your ass. There's a Murray's ass chat room because of us. And if that doesn't say fatherly love, than I don't know what does."

"Thanks Dad." Murray blubbered. Then, the hippo wrapped his arms around, Sly, bracing him with a hug.

"Murray," Sly stated, choking from Murray's tight hug. "If you call me Dad one more time, I swear I'll get Carmelita to shoot you with your shock pistol."

Murray immediately fell back into his seat. Cooper read once before, that in high stress environments, the best thing to do was talk.

"Alright people," Sly announced. "Come on, let's keep this conversation going. Does anyone else have more regrets?"

Bentley did.

"I never got to sleep with Carmelita."

Both her and Sly's head turned so fast, that their necks almost snapped.

"What!" Sly screamed.

"I've had thoughts." Bentley testified.

"Hell, everyone in the Gang has had thoughts." Murray stated.

"Great!" Carmelita screamed sarcastically. "It's nice to know that I'll go down in history as the Cooper Gang hoe."

"You are not the Cooper Gang hoe." Sly declared. "And Bentley," he shouted looking at his rearview mirror. "Those thoughts you had, those are one's you should've taken to the grave."

After a long pause Carmelita decided to give in her two cents.

"I've never got to see my home town of Ireland."

"Honey, you've never even been to the states. Except for that one time you caught Mugshot."

Carmelita shrugged. Leave it to Sly to make a dark moment even darker. She placed her hand on Sly's cheek, and sarcastically stated "That helps Sly."

"We're looking at death here!" Bentley blurted.

"Hey!" Sly screamed to all of the passengers. "We are not looking at death here, all right. We have many regrets and we're going to continue to have more."

"Oh yeah sure mister 'I've already slept with Carmelita,'" Bentley impersonated. "Like you've got any regrets.'

"Yes I do!" Sly declared. "And I'll list them off. Firstly, I've never built a house. Secondly, I've never got to rob the white house. Dear god did that last president deserve it. Thirdly, I've never got to race a drag car. Hell, I never even had a baby!"

Carmelita's eyes widen. _Did he just say…._Sly at first had no clue what he did. But, as he studied Carmelita's eyes, his words replayed in his head. This was one of Cooper's most awkward moments.

* * *

_We drove in Five minutes of more silence. Five minutes is a very long time when you're being chased by a guy with a gun. And you just told your girlfriend that you want to have children. It was five minutes of the most awkward moment in my life. Then the cops showed up. When the helicopter light showed, Bentley yelled "The cops are here." I was all like "Where were they Five minutes ago?"_

_The cops pulled out the dude from the mustang and six of them put their guns right up to his head. They had him and the ground, threw a pair of cuffs on him, it was awesome._

_I remembered turning to Carmelita, and then saying "Now throw the apple." _

* * *

It had been one hour, and forty five minutes when they actually reached the restaurant. Most of the gang was actually relived that they made it to the restaurant in one piece. Sly however…..

"Damn, we're late." Sly announced. "And I can already see Ken coming out of the restaurant. All of this driving, almost getting ourselves killed, and we're just going to turn around?" Sly was truly pissed.

Murray laid his arm on Sly's shoulder. "Hey dude, you can still shove the car up Ken's ass."

Sly's face brightened. "There is that," Ringtail declared. "Thanks Murray."

Ken was somewhere around his fifties. He was tall; _really tall. _And since Ken barley had any muscle, he almost looked like a string been. His hair was light brown, and almost looked like a mop top. He had a small goatee under his mussel. His head was almost as huge as his body; in more ways than one. He wore a navy green jacket, very tight jeans, and Ken seemed to be drunk off his rocker.

When Ken reached the window, Sly was giddy with excitement. He was about to give Ken the biggest spite ever. However, Sly was about to be denied. The Raccoon should've known better. Ken was the drunken spite navy seal.

Sly rolled down the window, and the conversation went like this.

Ken: I've already eaten. You dumbasses are an hour and a half late.

Cooper: yeah but we we're on the Highway and this guy-

Ken: Save the dumb ass excuses later. I'm drunker than a skunk and I need two of you twits to drive me home. Thanks for nothing you ringtail. And where did you get this car? It looks like an old man car. Sheesh.

At this particular moment, Ken decided to walk away. Sly was dumbfounded. His mouth was gaped open in surprise. All that work for the biggest spite ever, and he never even got to talk. 'Okay, backup plan.' He thought. 'There has to be a backup plan.' The Sly remembered Murray's gift to Ken.

"Murray," The Raccoon commanded as he looked at his rearview mirror. "The cell phone is from both of us."

Murray shook his head, symbolizing 'okay' and then pretended to look out the side of his window.

"Hey Bentley," he acted. He pretended to squint his eyes. "Isn't that Penelope? Is she walking with Ken?"

Bentley was a sucker. Bentley was very well aware of Ken's swinger reputation and since that fox and his Penelope had been alone for almost two hours, Bentley started to sprint out his car. His metal legs were clinking on the pavement, and he started to scream "Penelope!"

Murray was laughing harder than he ever had before. "Man, I love messing around with that Green turtle." The hippo stated. "He's so easy."

Sly pretended to point out his window. "Hey Murray, Look. A cow."

"Where?" The hippo screamed. He was cold turkey. The hippo jumped out of the car, running out into the restaurant parking lot, yelling "Moo!" at the top of his lungs.

In the end, the only two left in the car, were Sly and Carmelita. It was so silent, that you could hear a pin drop from miles away. Cooper was the only one to blame. If he would have just kept his cool, none of what had happen today, would have happened. Sly tried to prove that he was a man, and did it in the most childish way possible. He felt like such a jerk. He had to apologize. After a few more minutes of silence, Sly turned to Carmelita, and began to speak.

"Carmelita," he said. He made sure to touch her hands so her face was in front of his own. "I am so sorry. All of that shit that happened to us today was my fault. I can no longer go around and act like a seventeen year old kid anymore; not while I'm with you. I'm better than that. So I want you to know, that as long as I'm with you, you are looking full grown adult who is never going to lose his temper again. I will learn to control it. Okay?"

She still gave him that stare. It wasn't a death stare. Sly could tell. For if it were a death stare, Sly's neck would be burning up. It was a strange stare, a silent stare, it was that type of stare people get, when they don't know how to react. It was a blank, scary stare. And Sly felt that the only thing that could shake this silence was Carmelita.

"Honey, please say something?" he pleaded.

She just looked at him, with her blank stare, and finally began to talk. When she spoke, her voice came out as almost an excited squeal. Tears of joy almost stranded down her cheek. She said this.

"Do you really want to have a baby?"

* * *

_I've learn to control my anger. I can go from calm to furious in a heartbeat. And since I'm getting married to Carmelita, I am going to live it. The Dotson that chased us, he couldn't control his anger. He carried with him a Glock 9. Usually guns carry 10-15 bullets, but a Glock 9 holds 17. Is that what this world has come to? I piss you off in traffic you need 17 bullets to stop me? Right now, somewhere, some poor bastard is getting shot in the chest, and his last words are probably, "Sorry, did I forget to use my Blinker?"_

_So this is what society has come to?_

_I just can't wait to bring a child into the world like that._

_See you later journal, I'm going to meet Carmelita in the bedroom and we'll start working on our first child. _

* * *

**And so, the newest chapter is finished. If you can get this story up to 10 reviews, I'll promise to begin working on the new chapter.**

**I think that I like this writing style. I love how I just change points of view, don't you. I'm going to experiment working like this for a while. I'm trying to write a story for **_**Avatar: The Last Airbender, **_**with this type of writing style.**

**Next chapter. Titus episode: **_**Integritous.**_


	3. I don't comply

**Here is the next chapter of **_**Diary of a thieve. **_**As promised, I began working on this May 30, 2010. This was the day I discovered that you guy's gave me ten reviews. Sorry for the long wait, but this is a heck of a long chapter.**

**I'd like to get 15 reviews on this story.**** You give me those reviews; I'll start working on the next chapter. Also, I'd like to know which part of the story you liked the best. **

**I plan on getting at least 13 chapters on this story. Maybe less. Then I'll be done with **_**Diary of a thieve. **_

**Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of the people who wrote a review for this story. You guys are what makes the world pretty cool. **

**And sorry for the chapter lengths, but I want to capture all **_**Titus **_**goodness. Seriously, go look it up on YouTube. It's canceled now, but I believe the rights are public domain, so you can watch full length episodes. It is flipping hilarious, and Christopher Titus is one of the best working comics in the business in my opinion. **

**Oh, and again, I'm still trying to keep this story in a Sly Cooper like universe, so I had some historical figure names changed around. There will be an answer key at the end. **

**Titus episode: Integritous. **

**

* * *

**

**Prologue. **

_Everybody has hopes, dreams and aspirations. Because of theses, Chihuahua Columbus discovered early America; Mad Dog Curry discovered radium. And Galileo the Gecko…Did stuff. _

_And I could have been one of those dreamers. Except, I was raised in a criminal bloodline, my parents died, I was raised an orphan, I faked amnesia, and my girlfriends father just so happens to be the dream stomper. _

_At one point in My Girlfriend's life, her dream was for her dad to let her have a dream. _

_My dreams have changed overtime. At first, I wanted to rob the White House, but then my girlfriend told me to stop crime. And I did it gladly. Why? Cause I love her, she is my heart and soul, and I am completely pussy whipped. But you can either be whipped or be a whip. _

_Then, after I got a job building hot rods, my dream changed. Now, I want to build the most Bad ass custom cars on the planet for a huge paycheck. And just two weeks ago, I've completed that dream._

_

* * *

_

They were entranced. The Cooper Gang's eyes were bigger than saucers. After three days, 75 hours of nonstop work, they had given birth to one of the greatest cars on the planet. It was a black, all decked out, top chop, front lowered, steel fender, Ford Cooper, with a flame paint job and a white wall tires. It took Murray a full hour to stop drooling. They just stood there, staring at the car, as if it were the messiah. On top of that, they were just dumbfounded by the fact that they pulled this off. They were the ones that built this car. No one else helped. It was just three guys, hopes of a big ass check, and a dream. After almost a complete hour of just silent staring, Bentley was the first to speak.

"It's beautiful," the turtle announced.

"It's kickass," Murray proclaimed.

"It's the best car ever." Cooper Exclaimed. "And," he added. "We pulled it off, without college."

"Hell yeah!" they all cheered.

* * *

_Have you ever done something better than you thought you could?_

_Well I have._

_This car was perfect. The top chopped off cleanly. It can get no tougher, or sexier. It is one badass, mean, clean, driving sex machine. And I put everything into it. I placed most of my time and money into it. It has everything, including a piece of my soul._

_And now I'm trading it for money._

_Who knows how to dream huh?_

_

* * *

_

"And now!" Sly proclaimed. "It's time for us to claim the big stinky check." As he said this, he made sure to and an emphases on 'big' and 'stinky'. For some reason, it felt wrong for The Cooper gang to be gaining this load of dough, and not be stealing it from some fancy mansion that belonged to a mob boss, or from the palace of a true blooded criminal.

Murray was just as eager as Sly and the rest to get the cash. 'Don't forget," Murray stated. "That we get the big stinky bonus."

"Well, how could I forget my two comrades?" Sly stated as he ruffled Murrays hair. Sly then moved over to the back of the shop to claim a cup of coffee.

"So what are you going to do with your big stinky bonus?" Bentley asked Murray.

"Oh, I'm just going surf board shopping in AU-STRAI-LIA!" when Murray announced Australia, he made sure that with each sailable, his body shook as if he had cerebral palsy.

"What about you?" The Hippo asked.

"Well, I've got my eye on an internet company, whose Stock portfolio looks quite tasty." The green Turtle proclaimed.

Sly liked Bentley's choice of words.

"Tasty?" the ringtail asked. "Explain."

"Oh, no." the turtle said sarcastically smug. "I've stated way too much already." Sly started to poor himself some coffee. "So what about you?" Bentley asked Sly.

"Well I'm going to-"

WHAP. CLAK. BOOM, BOOM. SPRING.

In no less than 2 minuets after the hot rod was completed, the jack that was supporting it, crapped out under pressure. The jacks handle shot out of its socket faster than a bullet at the Iraq war zone. The car fell on the ground and started to bounce due to its shocks. However, most of the gang was still pretty shocked at the sudden noise. Fear ran into Sly's system, as he feared that the hot rod had itself totaled. He was so scared that he didn't notice that the coffee started to overflow over his cup and onto his hand. Even Bentley, when hearing the clatter, let out a small girly scream. When Sly turned around, the car looked fine. However, any mechanic knows it's what's on the inside that counts.

"Oh, Shit." The Raccoon stated.

* * *

**Chapter three: I don't comply. **

Bentley was having a panic attack. The only thing that the Turtle could do was worry. He started prancing around the room; his metal feet clinking across the concrete floor. At the time, it only seemed like the turtle could only say the words, "Oh, my god." And sometimes, they were not in that particular order.

If you had a metallic legged turtle, prancing around the room, screaming "Oh my god," It would eventually get on your nerves.

And because of this, it was hard for Sly to concentrate under the car.

"Bentley!" Cooper commanded. "Please, chill."

"Is anything broken," Bentley squealed. "Please tell me that nothing is broken."

Sly stuck his head out from under the car. This time, the look of frustration was painted across his face.

"Nothing is broken." Sly replied.

Bentley lifted his head up to the havens. He gave out three short "Thank you"s to whoever their guardian angel was, and then went over to the coffee machine. Suddenly, Bentley's head snapped back to Sly, and the Turtle rushed over to the Raccoon, shouting "Wait."

Sly's eyebrow cocked.

"Did you say noting is broken cause I told you to say 'noting is broken,' or are you saying nothing is broken because nothing is broken?" the Turtle asked, hurriedly.

Sly just let out an angered, frustrated, and really infuriated sigh, and proclaimed, once again, "Nothing is broken."

"Whew! Thank God for that." Bentley stated as he got up from the floor. As he brushed himself off, he began to prance once more. "I need some Coffee."

"Who wants Cappuccino?" a voice chimed in.

Cooper immediately slid from under the car. The raccoon could recognize that voice from anywhere. It had the most beautiful melody to it. So beautiful in fact, that a month from now, he'd be marring it. The voice belonged to none other than Carmelita Montoya Fox.

"Hello my lovely senorita," Cooper said as he stood. When He met the most beautiful face in the universe, he kissed her on the cheek. In Carmelita's left arm, was a cardboard tray filled with four coffee cups of Cappuccino. When Bentley's nose picked up the scent, the Turtle rushed over to the coffee cups. Everyone in the gang knew that Bentley had a slight addiction to cappuccinos. And since Cooper knew this as well, before Bentley grabbed a cup, Sly held out his hand, motioning for Bentley to stop. When he did, Sly gave out a little warning.

"Promise me that you'll stop drinking when the left side of your face goes numb." Sly asked the Turtle.

Bentley didn't care. As soon as Sly was done giving his speech, Bentley grabbed the far left cup as fast as he could, and laughed like a maniac.

Carmelita's head turned to the left, and for the first time, she noticed the car.

"Oh my God, Sly!" she exclaimed. "This car is wonderful."

"Oh. It's just alright," Sly stated. As he spoke he blushed. Sly would become very bashful anytime Carmelita gave him a compliment. She had the power to do that. Sly couldn't remember a time where anyone else made him feel very shy and humble.

"This Car is perfect." Carmelita continued.

Sly lost all of his humbleness.

"Yeah. Your right. It's perfect. No one could build a more perfect car than me." Sly laughed. "I'm a genius."

"You're my little genius." Carmelita said as she ruffled Sly's exposed fur on his chest.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Carmelita exclaimed. She reached into the cardboard tray and threw something large, brown, and somewhat rounded to Murray. The hippo immediately caught it in his hand. "I've brought Muffins."

"And Cappuccinos" Bentley exclaimed very hyper. "Who wants cappuccinos? ME! I want cappuccinos." Bentley took one large sip from his cup, and then continued. "Oh, and Idea just popped into my head." The turtle exclaimed. "If the car gets lots of cash, we could buy a cappuccino machine."

"Good, then you can have an aneurism." Sly sarcastically replied. Sly walked over to his chair, while Bentley told his plan to Carmelita.

"And, if we start a chain of car shops, we can add a cappuccino machine to each one. Car shop; cappuccino machine. Car shop; cappuccino machine. Ha ha ha! We'll call it Car Bucks."

Carmelita was frankly annoyed with Bentley's over hyperactive nature.

"Okay, that's it. You're cut off." She said as she grabbed Bentley's cup. The turtle let out a long frustrated groan.

"I'm proud of all of you!" Carmelita complemented the team. "The cooper gang has built their very first magazine cover car."

What she got back was the reply she had no clue she'd receive; laughter. The Cooper gang was hysterically laughing. In fact, they were laughing so hard, that Murray had snot bubbles bursting from his nose.

She cocked an eyebrow. "Why are you laughing?" she asked Sly.

The gang's faces now turned from hysterical laughter, to complete fear. It was that type of fear that only mental patients seemed to show.

"Yeah. Why are we laughing?" Murray asked Sly, shaking as he spoke.

"Cause we've been up for three days straight with no rest, working our butts off, and now we are at that point beyond tired where everything is funny."

Murray seemed too understood, for he laughed once more. Then he stood up.

"Hey Carmelita," The pink hippo motioned. "Welcome to the house of stupid; where everything is funny because you're sleep deprived."

The whole gang laughed once more.

Carmelita just shook her head. Leave it to Sly to push himself too hard. Three days? Good lord. At this point Sly could be experiencing hallucinations. She tried to give him comfort.

She took out a bran muffin. "Have a muffin," she told Sly.

Bentley and Murray's hysterical laughter increased tenfold.

"What?" she asked the two laughing idiots.

Bentley placed a hand up to his mouth to try and conceal his emotions. Through his smirking and cackling, Bentley was finally able to explain.

"You said muffin." He blurted out.

Now Cooper joined in on the hysterical thrill ride of laughter.

Carm just shook her head and grabbed Sly's hand. "You need to get some rest," she ordered. "Come with me." When she tugged however, Sly didn't move.

"No time." He commented. "I'll just sleep on my office desk. Then at 9:00, I'll show our client the car and we'll get our money."

The whole gang cheered. "Woo hoo!'

Carmelita just stared at her watch.

"It's 8:45," she stated.

"Woo…..hoo?" the cheer decreased in volume. 8:45? There was just no time for adequate sleep. Not to mention that due to the gang's high levels of sleep deprivation, the gang was off their rocker more than usual.

That's when they heard it. Footsteps started to emerge from the other side of the shop. Carmelita pointed in the general direction while her cell phone rang.

"There's your client now. I have to take this call. It's from work. You deal with the client, please?" she stated.

She left them no time to comment. She walked into Sly's office, with the cell phone up to her ear.

Their client's name was Dan Squirrel. He use to have a job in politics, but he left after only 4 months as a senator. He would later comment that politics have way too much corruption, and that he would devote his time, into what would become his future career; computing. Dan founded the website, _jokes r us_; a worldwide website where user could put up some of their favorite jokes. Some of the greatest comedians had gain success through Dan's website, and now that the site was starting to close down, Dan had money just waiting to be used.

Dan was a regular height and weight. But his personal appearance just screamed computer nerd. He had those thick glasses that almost blocked out the rest of his facial features. He also came equipped with a pair of braces that looked like train tracks. Most of all, he had on one of the worst pair of shoes ever created by furry kind; crocs.

When he emerged from the darkness, the Squirrel spoke.

"Hello, Sly." He stated. He then pointed at the car. "Is this it?"

Sly wanted to burst out laughing. There were no other cars in the place, and he still asked if he was looking at the right one. This was a classic genius turns retard moment. But sly knew that laughing at their client would be bad for business. So, he just stated, clenching his teeth, "Yeah Dan. This is your car."

* * *

_Do you know the difference between a regular geek and a computer geek?_

_12 billion dollars. _

_He's still a geek though._

_

* * *

_

"I love it," Dan commented.

"Great," Murray shouted with enthusiasm. "Now please, write that big stinky check?"

Sly just slapped himself in the face, feeling ashamed. Any good business knows that you don't just blurt out how much you want. You get the price through kindness and hard work.

Bentley then cut in between Dan and Murray, and held up to check books.

"Pick, the color." The turtle stated. "Pick the size. Pick pick pick. Please? I've just stood up for 75 continue hours! Ha ha ha!" The turtle then laughed like an evil maniac.

Sly could no longer take his friends acting like buffoons.

"Guys," he blurted as he walked between Dan and the two idiots. "I'll handle the business." Sly then tried to gain his business poster. "Dan?" he asked. And then there was a long pause. 'What should I say?' Cooper thought. 'Do I ask him how much he wants to pay? Do I give a small price and hope he decides to raise it?' Sly thought about it for a long time. Then finally, he just thought 'Screw it' and blurted, "Big stinky check please?"

The whole gang laughed.

Dan just smiled. He knew that the gang had a reputation of being quirky, so this was no surprise. "All right," Dan commented as he pulled out his check book. He then pulled out a pen and clicked it. Sly almost fainted; the excitement was almost too much to bear. But before Dan brought his pen to the check, his head shot up.

"Oh my God!" he shouted. "I just had an epiphany."

The whole gang brought their heads closer to Dan so they could listen.

"Now," he commented. "I may be speaking outside of the box here, but do you know what would make this car really cool?"

* * *

_It was as if my dream burst into Flames. Change it? Why change it? It's already as perfect and as sexy as it's going to get, so why go screwing around with it? So my dream wasn't good enough?_

_

* * *

_

"No," Sly commented through clenched teeth. It's very hard for a raccoon to conceal his anger. Sly tried to fight the urge from shouting. "What would make this car _really cool?" _

Dan then smiled as he did gestures with his hands. "Follow me here," he asked the gang. "I had an uncle who owned a race track. And he used to race these cars. They we're these funny…..little…..tilted…" Dan started snapping his fingers as he tried to find the right word.

Murray was the first to chime in.

"Stock cars?" the hippo asked.

"No," Dan replied. "But it did start with an 's'"

Bentley got the message right away.

"Sprint Cars." The turtle replied bluntly.

"Yes!" Dan proclaimed. "Sprint cars. Man, I love the way you mechanic guys talk." Dan started to smile at the unusually sounding words that were not in his vocabulary. "And these cars," Dan continued. "These cars had giant things on the roof."

"Chimney?" Sly replied still trying to conceal his anger.

"No," Dan replied not picking up on Sly's sarcasm. "It started with a 'w'"

Murray knew the answer to this one.

"Wing." Murray commented.

"Yes," Dan replied. "Now that's cool."

"And expensive," Bentley interjected.

"Cool and expensive," The squirrel stated while rubbing his index finger and his thumb over his chin. "I like the sound of that."

Murray gentle nudged Bentley on the elbow, and leaned in to his ear.

"Man that check is getting stinkier." Murray whispered with excitement.

Sly couldn't believe his ears. This squirrel was feeding his friends a big steaming bowl of bull shit, and both the turtle and Murray were asking for seconds. He closed his eyes trying to picture on a scale from one to ten, how stupid his friends were. Then he spoke.

"So let me get this straight Dan." Sly shouted with his eyes still close. "You want us to put a wing on the roof of a ford coop."

Through Bentley and Murray's sleep deprivation and hyperness, they cheered again. Sly turned his head to his gang, giving them the look of confusion and anger. He then got really close to their faces, so Dan couldn't hear him whisper his anger.

"He wants us to put a _wing _on a _ford coop." _he whispered with disgust in his voice.

Both The Turtle and the Hippo said very quietly, "Eww." Any mechanic knows that wings only belong on sprint cars, and sprint cars only.

* * *

_The problem with saying your dream out loud is that someone will hear it, and then try to tweek it so it fits their dream. Then your dream doesn't fit, and you're walking around with your dream riding up on you._

* * *

"Dan?" Sly asked. Dan's head shot straight up from his cell phone. "If you don't mind, I'd like to speak to my colleagues in private."

Dan picked up on what sly said. "Oh sure," the squirrel replied. And then he moved a few steps away from the Cooper gang.

Sly started shaking his head and fuming. "Do you guys really want to do this?" Cooper asked dumbfounded.

"I've already bought this ticket to Australia in my mind," Murray stated.

Sly gawked at the hippo's stupidity.

Dan started to put his blue tooth piece into his ear. Sly had no clue that the Bluetooth was in when Dan shouted, "Hello?"

Cooper turned around; unaware that Dan was really on the phone.

"Yeah, hello." Cooper replied. "No,"

"Yeah." Dan replied to the man on his Bluetooth.

"No." Cooper exclaimed.

"Right away."

"Not ever."

"Okay, I totally agree."

Cooper was confused. He had no clue if he won the argument of if Dan just had a minor brain fart. He turned to his best friends, but they were just as confused as well. Cooper continued.

"Good," the raccoon stated.

"Hold on for a second," Dan stated as he turned off his phone, then he started speaking directly to Sly, but leaving him no time to give his answer. "So you'll put the wing on. Great. Just give me the new total and I'll write you the check. Great work so far. Bye now." Then Dan turned on his cell phone again and walked out the door.

Sly was left flabbergasted with a surprised gap in his mouth. What in the hell just happened? At first Sly thought he Dan was Schizo.

"That guy is insane." Cooper commented.

"I know." Murray replied. "That means we can charge him whatever we want. Oh man, this is so cool."

"Yeah-wait. NO!" Cooper told Murray.

"Yeah he's right." Bentley commented. "We're not going to rip Dan off."

"No," Sly replied. "We're not ripping him off because we're not putting on the wing."

"But you'd just said you would." Bentley exclaimed.

"No I didn't."

"You said no, and then he said okay. You said good, and he said okay. You said Okay and then he left the building."

"I think we're doing it?" Murray replied confused.

"We are not DOING IT!" Cooper replied with anger. Then he stormed off to his office, hoping to be alone. However, his teammates tagged along. Bentley was being persistent.

When he reached the office, he saw his girlfriend on the phone. Then, he saw his friends storming in.

"But Cooper, we need the Money." Bentley pleaded.

"It's no longer about money," Cooper informed the turtle. "It's about…that thing where money isn't an issue."

"Communism?" Murray asked.

"Poverty?" Bentley questioned.

Carmelita, hearing all of the conversation while talking on the phone, chimed in. She told her boss on the phone to hold on.

"It's called Integrity." She replied.

"Thanks Carm." Sly stated.

"And whatever the issue is," Carmelita continued with her hand over the phone. "I agree with Bentley. We need the money."

"But this is about integrity." Sly whined like an eight year old.

Carmelita then walked over to her boyfriend.

"It is about integrity; the integrity of keeping your business and unscrewing your friends. For 15 years of my life I have been working at a job I hate…"

That's when she noticed that her hand no longer covered the phone.

"A job I hate to be late for," She shouted into the telephone. Fearing that she would say something stupid again to her boss, she ended the call. She then put the phone away, and grabbed Sly's hands. "What about my dream?" She asked.

"Awww. Honey, I thought I was your dream," Sly replied with a blush filling his cheeks.

Both of Carm's hands cupped Cooper's cheeks.

"Awww, honey. I got you, but I want my G.E.D!" Then her hands left Sly's face. "I'm going to go back to the job I hate and actually try to save it. But you, oh you can wallow in yourself integrity." Her voice was filled with sarcasm. Sly started to leave his seat, trying to keep his lady friend at piece. Before she left, Carmelita's hand reached behind the door and grabbed the Muffin Murray was about to it. "This muffin is mine. You've already ate yours if you can remember." And without another word, she left the shop, and went to save her job.

Sly went back to his desk, and stated to Sulk. Bentley saw this as an interesting opportunity to try reverse psychology on the Ringtail.

"Wow," Bentley stated trying to pretend to be dumbfounded. "The Cooper high performance dream ride is over. Your dream; all smashed to bits. Your just friendless, love less. So I guess it doesn't matter anyway if you put a wing on your smashed dream, huh?"

Sly picked up on the Turtles game.

"We're not doing it," He sang.

"OH COME ON! EVERYTHING HERE SUCKS ALREADY."

Cooper then left his desk. For what reason, he doesn't know. Maybe it was possible to clear his head. Before he left, he spoke to Bentley.

"Bentley, you'll have to trust me on this one. I have never screwed you over."

Bentley's mouth gaped open in surprise. Sly had to clarify.

"As an adult." He added.

* * *

_Growing up at the orphanage, Bentley sort of became me and Murray's test dummy for any stupid ideas that popped into our idiotic child brains at the time. Me and Murray did some idiotic stuff as kids. And Bentley was always there; trying it first. I remember one time, the orphanage owner made us watch "Marry Poppins." After seeing her fly using her umbrella, we gave Bentley an umbrella and pushed him off the roof to see if it would work. _

_Some things that you do as children can cause your best friend to end up in a neck halo for two months. _

_

* * *

_

"I still limp when it rains." Bentley nagged. "Thanks to you two idiots."

"You know there are like two hundred bones in your body you didn't break. Why don't you talk about them?" Sly grunted.

"Alright," Bentley agreed. "But I'll talk about this. I'm your partner. So I have a say in some of our business deals too. And I say-"

Cooper turned and folded his arms across his chest, waiting for Bentley to give his answer. Sly's look shot fear into Bentley's heart. He knew that Sly wouldn't personally hurt him. Then again, Sly had a history of some violence towards others. The Shop got really quiet, before Bentley said,

"We're doing it?" Bentley said more surprised than self assured.

Sly was dumbfounded. He couldn't believe it. Bentley didn't cave to his anger, but Bentley would go head over heels for a huge paycheck?

"The _wing…_ on the roof?" Sly stated with confusion.

"Yeah." Bentley replied.

Cooper then shook his head back and forth. "No."

"Yeah," Bentley replied, this time with some anger.

"No."

"Yeah."

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"NO!"

"YEAH!"

"WAIT A MINUTE." Murray screamed from the other end of the hall. Both Bentley and Sly stopped their argument and turned to look at Murray. He seemed to be lost in translation.

"Who's on the phone?"

* * *

_Bentley was actually the one who found the place to start "Cooper high performance." And was the one who suggested that we'd pick a car shop as my non-illegal job activity. _

_Whatever. I would have sooner or later found a way to buy my own shop. Pffft. _

_

* * *

_

_*_Flashback*

The door creaked and cluttered, and eventual toppled under pressure. The place looked like a mess. Trash was all over the place, dust flew in everyone's face, and the only air you breathed, had cobwebs in it. Murray, Cooper, and Carmelita were stun. Bentley spent 1000 dollars on the piece of crap? And, thought it would become a major car shop?

Bentley was the only one in the group that was smiling.

"This is it," Bentley exclaimed. "The future home of 'Cooper high Performance'"

"This place looks like crap." Cooper commented.

"Oh come on." Bentley teased. "It looks bad now, but it has everything."

"Yeah, like a toilet." Murray exclaimed as he pointed on the ground at round brown objects that looked like fecal matter.

CRACK BOOM!

Derby flew from the top of the ceiling down to the ground. It left a huge hole in the ceiling of the abandoned garage. Sunlight flooded the dark area.

"Now it has a skylight," Cooper commented. "Listen Bentley, you're wasting my time."

"Sly," Carmelita sighed under her breath. Cooper heard it clear enough.

"Oh come on honey. It sucks!"

Carmelita's anger and frustration finally reached its boiling point.

"Your right!" She screamed. "It does suck. You should just stay being a criminal, and BITCHED ABOUT MY FAMILY'S TEASING CONSTANTLY WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO GROW THE GIANT TUMOR YOU STARTED TO GROW THE DAY YOU MET MY FATHER."

When she was done screaming, Sly was almost curdled into the fetal position. When he realized that he was still alive, he climbed out of his hole, and stated,

"Wow! How long have you been saving that?"

Bentley could do nothing but smile. This was going to be the future home the new Cooper dream. Sure it needed repairs, but it was probably nothing they couldn't handle. Besides, if they worked together as a team, the place would be in top shape in no time.

That's when they heard the mouse trap go off.

SNAP!

Everyone jumped. Their heads then moved to the source of the sound. Caught in the mouse trap, was the recently killed rat. It was huge! So huge in fact that Sly was afraid that they accidently killed a living rat furry. Then he noticed its red eyes. Everyone was frightened at the size of the monster. If this rat was this large, imagine how big the other rats would be.

Leave it to Bentley to find a bright side to everything.

"Well, that's one less rat that we'll have to take care of."

* * *

*present time*

Sly grabbed the jack and started to tilt the car up. Then, he grabbed the slider, and slid it near under the car. Before he sat down on his back, he walked towards Bentley.

"I know that I'm the boss. And I don't want to pull rank here, but what does back of my jacket say?" Sly then turned around and used his thumb to point to the big Cooper logo. He came up with the design two weeks ago. He made jackets for all of the members in his crew. The logo was the word 'cooper high performance.' The cooper was huge, and was black and brown stripped lettering. The 'high performance' was very small white letting. Every single word was topped off with blue flames. The logo was placed on a white background, and the white background was placed on a black leather jacket.

"It says 'Cooper high performance.'" Bentley replied.

"Are you Cooper? Are you performance? Are you _HIGH?" _Cooper asked, when he said the 'High' part he added more anger.

Bentley was frustrated with Cooper's arrogance.

"Are you stubborn?" Bentley stated more than asked. "Are you arrogant? Are you-"

He then noticed Sly's hand pulled back into a fist.

"Are you a bit over bearing?" the turtle squeaked.

Cooper disarmed his fist, and started to point and make gestures with his hands.

"No." he replied. "I'm just not complying. I don't comply. I am doing the right thing. I'm committed. I am integritous."

"Cool," Murray stated. "Integritous. Can that be my Gladiator name?"

Cooper just shook his head at his friend's stupidity and didn't answer his question. When he rolled under the car, which was supported on only a jack and two front metal tire ramps, Bentley cocked an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?" Bentley asked.

"I'm taking the car apart. Cause together, it's dangerous. If it's in pieces, we can't sell it, thus, I don't have to comply and put a wing on the r-"

WHAP. CLAK. BOOM BOOM. SPRING.

The same exact thing happened. The jack that supported the car crapped out, and landed on the raccoon. The only thing that saved him was that one of the tire ramps bent over and kept the car from fully using its pressure on Sly's rib cage. It still was heave enough to cause Sly to pass out due to pain. And most of the gang thought he died. That is why Murray screamed like a girl.

Cooper was now trapped under a 1 ton car.

When Cooper came too about 5 minutes later, he heard Murray scream "Oh my god! He's alive." Sly tired to move to Murray's voice, but for some reason, Cooper couldn't move. That's when he realized that he was stuck under the car, and that the car was only a few centimeters away from fully crushing, and then killing him. Bentley rushed to Cooper's aid when he came to.

"Cooper!" Bentley shouted. "Are you alright."

"I'm fine." He croaked. "I'm just stuck."

Bentley panicked and ran through the list of options they could do.

"Murray," The turtle commanded. "Get the jack."

The hippo rushed over to the jack. He saw the handle, but the actually jack was shoved underneath the car. He let out another scream.

"What?" Bentley asked scared.

"The jack's shoved under the car. But I can still see the handle."

"DON'T TOUCH THE JACK!" Sly yelled. "If you do, the only thing supporting the car would be my rib cage."

Murray didn't hear the last part, and started pumping away. Both Bentley and Sly pleaded to Murray to stop at once. That's when everyone heard a loud metallic snap, and Murray brought out what looked like a lead pipe. "I broke the jack," he stated with fear.

"Oh shit!" Cooper groaned.

Bentley was now starting to hyperventilate. He ran through another list of options on what to do in case of a medical emergency. But through his over hyper active mind, Bentley couldn't process anything. "what do we do?" he screamed.

"Wait!" Murray shouted. He took the metal bar and stepped over to Sly. "Does this hurt?" he pushed the bar underneath and struck Cooper's knee cap.

"Ow!" Sly shouted. "Murray what the hell?"

Murray looked up at Bentley.

"His spines still intact," Murray squeaked. Murray then tossed the bar to the side. "Okay. Quick. I've got an Idea. I'm going to grab some butter, and we'll grease him up and slide him out." But before Murray left to the main office, Cooper shouted.

"HEY!" he yelled from under the car. "Before you Idiots try to give car birth triage on me, why don't you try to find someone with a jack?"

Both Murray and Bentley had someone in mind.

"Ken has a jack." Murray announced.

The crew then hit their battle stations, while Sly was still stuck under the car screaming. "DON'T CALL KEN!" he cried. Then tears went down his face in the horror of what Ken might do.

* * *

_Ken was never one of those father-in- laws to teach their son- in- laws. He was one of those people that just stood back and let the scars of learning happen. I have a scare on my left hand, which reminds me not to give Aunt Grace Wine. I also have a scar on my foot, which reminds me that cars are heavy. _

* * *

Ken couldn't help but smile. This was a true classic joke. Sly was now stuck under a car for a second time. When Ken heard about Sly's accident, he grabbed two things; a jack, and a digital camera.

"Car still heavy boy?" Ken teased.

Sly groaned. He knew that Ken was one of those relative that would bring up embarrassing moments in public places for all of your life. Ken had a fascinating good memory. Sly then faked a smile, and looked up at Ken, who was towering over him with a camera.

"Can you stop with the torture and humiliation until I get out from under the car?" he smiled.

Ken just stood behind the camera and laughed. "Hell no." he stated. He placed the camera up to his face, and then frowned. "I'm just not getting the right expression." He then took the camera off his face and looked and Murray and Bentley. "Will one of you fellas, please, pee on him."

Murray reached for his zipper.

"MURRAY! UNZIP AND DIE!" Cooper shouted.

Bentley was having a hard time controlling his emotions. His best friend, Sly, was now stuck under a car and no one was going to help him.

"Mr. Ken Fox" Bentley pleaded. "I think we should help Cooper out."

"No one is going to pee on him or shave his head?" Ken announced. "Damn, do I miss the 50's"

Bentley just shook his head. Then he got up from Cooper and turned to Murray. "Murray, let's put in the new jack."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." Ken replied. Bentley and Murray turned around and faced Ken. "How many more roofs do you have to be pushed off from before you realize that Sly isn't always right?"

"Ken. Stop." Sly pleaded from under the car.

Bentley seemed intrigued by what Ken was saying. Bentley's scientific side took over, and he couldn't help himself from embracing the new and testing it. "Please, explain." The Turtle asked.

"Look," Ken began as he placed the camera on the metal table that was beside him. "Sly is _trapped, _under a _car. _How many chances like this are you going to get. At best, one thing like this only happens every thirteen years."

Bentley whined. "But I don't feel comfortable peeing on him."

"No,no,no." Ken exclaimed as he smiled and shook his head. "While Sly is trapped under the car, you guys can put the wing on the top."

Bentley seemed shocked. The idea of screwing his friend over seemed so wrong…..and yet so right.

"He doesn't want us to," Bentley exclaimed. "But we could. I don't know. I'm confused. Could we Ken?"

"Sure you could," Ken stated as he stepped over Sly, and started to head to the room to grab the wing.

"No you can't!" Sly shouted. Anger pulsed through his system. People can get really mad when their friends get persuaded so easily. That, and since Sly was trapped under a car, he seemed as if he couldn't control his anger. "Now you guys listen to me." He commanded. "I am the boss here. You guys are the helpers, you guys are the elves."

Both of their eyes widened.

"Elves?" Murray questioned surprised.

"I'm not an elf!" Bentley complained.

Sly should have kept his anger on the down low; instead, he corked open a whole can of whop ass on Bentley.

"Hell, your small; nerdy; green; all you need know is some pointed ears, red hair, and curled shoes and you could defiantly be mistaken from Santa's little helper." Sly replied from under the car.

"I'm not an elf!" Murray whined.

"Yes you are, _Elf." _Sly shouted at the hippo.

"Shut up,"

"Elf,"

"Shut up,"

"ELF!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Hey!" Ken replied from across the room. "A real elf wouldn't have the balls to put a wing on the roof."

Then inspiration struck Bentley. It made him sick to his stomach that they were screwing over Sly, but the turtle could always think of this moment as revenge for the whole _Marry Poppins _incident. Wings are heavy and usually need three people to put one on. Ken was the one that came up with the Idea. And Bentley was already on board. He got about three inches from Murray's ear, and whispered.

"Ken is right. An elf wouldn't place a wing on the roof…..but a gladiator would."

Murray's head rose as he looked towards the sun. Murray at the time felt righteous and heroic. And, like a true gladiator he yelled.

"I'm Integritous; integritous because we are putting on that freaking wing!"

Everyone, besides Sly, Jump and cheered.

* * *

_Every time a car falls on me, something bad happens._

* * *

The grouped rubbed away the grease on their hands with a towel. After 30 more minutes of hard work, they had successfully placed a wing on the roof of the car. Much to their dismay however, they were left with a wired feeling in their guts.

"God, that looks awful." Bentley exclaimed.

"It sucks," Murray added.

Even Cooper, even though he was still stuck under the car, could see the giant freaking wing. "It reminds me of a tanning bed." He announced.

"It looks like crap." Ken stated. Then he walked over and Patted Murray and Bentley on the back. "Nice job boys."

Then, Cooper from under the car heard footsteps. It sounded as if it the person from down the hall had on high heels. When she emerged from the darkness, Carmelita's face seemed to turn into mush. She almost squealed. She looked at Sly who was under the car still. She was unaware that he was trapped.

"Oh Sly," she said lovingly. "You made the car look like crap? For me? Aww Sly, I love you."

Sly started to smile. Now that Carmelita was here, he had someone to back him up. "Thank you!" Sly announced bashful. "Oh and by the way, I'm stuck under the car."

"That's just gr…..WHAT!" she screamed. She was in shock. Her boyfriend was now stuck under a car. Then she looked at the group who placed the wing on the car. "Why didn't you guys do anything?"

"Ah ha!" Sly announced to his friends. "You guys are so busted."

"Hey," Ken defended himself. "I made sure that these two guys didn't pee on him."

Ken then took the opportunity and walked away. Carmelita was furious. She looked and Bentley and Murray, and motioned them to get closer. Once they did, she started to scream and point at Sly. "YOU IDOITS! GET HIM OUT FROM UNDER THERE! RIGHT NOW!"

She ten bent down and placed her paw on Sly's forehead. "Honey, are you alright?"

"Well," Sly began. "I have a slight tickle in my throat… and a CAR ON ME!"

Bentley then rushed over; his metallic legs clinking along the way, and started to pump with the new jack.

"We had no clue about the tickle." Bentley testified. When he spoke, he talked so fast that Carmelita thought Bentley had chugged down a few more cappuccinos. "Look, we were just about to let him out, and the jack broke. So we called your dad, and he came over here and wanted to shave Sly's head. And we said no,no,no. and then-"

At that moment Sly was released and rushed out from under the car, and started to chase after Bentley. The turtle scream and ran. They went in a complete circle around the car, and Bentley came face to face with Carmelita.

"Please help?" he asked Carm.

"I wouldn't blame Sly if he did kill you."

Bentley turned around, and in an instant, Sly was three inches away from Bentley face. Bentley closed his eyes, and he braced himself for the worst.

"Are you going to kill me?" He asked.

"No," Sly shouted.

"Fire me?"

"No,"

"Are going to beat me senseless?"

"…no" Cooper finally replied. The ringtail remembered to keep his cool. When Bentley opened his eyes, he saw Sly's face. It looked as if Sly was punched in the gut.

Murray chimed in from behind the car.

"If that's the case, can we go surfing?" The hippo asked.

Sly couldn't believe in Murray. This man was so stupid he made runway models look like Einstein. Sly replied with sarcasm.

"Why of course!" Sly sarcastically shouted. "Oh, and Murray, thanks for not peeing on me."

Murray didn't even catch Sly's sarcasm.

"Hey. Your welcome." Murray replied seriously.

Sly just shook his head, and then faced Bentley. "Oh, and Bentley," the Raccoon announced "Thanks for Peeing on my dream!"

"You see," Bentley replied. "That's the problem. It's my dream as well."

"This is your dream?" Cooper shouted as he pointed to the wing. "The tanning bed on the roof? That's your dream."

"It's my dream to run a successful business." Bentley retorted. "In order to do that, we have to please the customer. But you are so stubborn you won't let us do that. You won't let us do collision work, or let us do insurance work-"

"We can't sell out!"

"WE'RE NOT SELLING OUT IF WE HAVN'T SOLD A GOD DAMN THING!"

Silence filled the room. The tension between Bentley and Sly was so hard that people could feel the sparks emitting. It was so quite that Murray could actually hear the Burger King from across the street start its lunch shift. The silence lasted for a good two minutes, and then Sly did the unthinkable; he laughed.

"You know what?" Sly announced. "You're right Bentley. We _should, _do collision work." Sly then skipped into his office, while whistling some sort of strange tune. Everyone looked at Bentley for an explanation, but the turtle just shrugged his shoulders. They followed Sly into his office. They saw him grab one of their designs for a customer's Car. Sly studied the drawing…

And then brought down to his knee, cutting it in half.

"Whoa!" Bentley screamed. Everyone ran into the room. They grabbed another Drawing that Sly was about to break. "What are you doing?" Bentley asked flabbergasted.

"Have you lost your mind?" Carmelita screamed.

Sly just stared her into the eyes, and replied with such sarcasm, that even the neighborhood 13 year old school girl would be sick to death of his sarcasm. "Honey," he replied. "We're the collision guys now. Huh? Wait wait wait. Let me practice. Ahem. Well Miss Jefferson, your car looks just like new. Oh, and I save you three dollars by using aftermarket parts and lots of Bondo." Sly then gave a sarcastic smile and two thumbs up. "Oooh, Let me do my impression of Bentley. Ahem. Hi, I'm Bentley; the Bondo magician. I'm Bentley the Bondini." He then threw his hands down and slapped his sides. His expression got all serious. When Sly spoke again, all traces of Sarcasm were long gone. He pulled Bentley closer to him, and spoke. "Bently? Let me ask you something. What are people going to talk about you after you die? Are they going to say 'Bentley? He was one of the greatest criminal masterminds, and after his life of crime, he built some of the most badass cars on the road.' Or, 'Bentley. Man that guy could pound out a _dent'" _

More silence filled the room, as Bentley finally got why Sly was so angry. Sly wasn't mad that he was helping a customer. He wasn't mad that he was breaking his dream. He was mad by the fact that if they let this car get sold, it would go down under the Cooper name. He didn't want a car under this amount of ugliness, to be under his name, or there's for that matter. If a car was going to leave their shop, it was going to leave their shop looking as if it were built by God.

That's when they heard Dan once more. "Hey guys," he shouted. "I'm here. "

Bentley seemed to tense. Cooper just pushed Bentley on his shell. "It's all you Bondini." He announced. Bentley begrudgingly, moved forward, and went to speak with Dan. The Cooper gang followed right behind him.

Dan had a ten mile wide smile on his face, as he pointed to the wing. "Hell yes!" the squirrel announced.

Bentley was confused. "You like this?" Bentley asked as he also pointed to the wing.

"Hell yes!" the squirrel spitted. "This car looks _great! _You guys should hire me as a consultant."

Cooper sarcastically laughed. "Maybe we should." He gave Bentley a look in the eyes, which almost said 'now or never.'

"You _seriously like this?" _The turtle asked once more.

"Hu huh." The squirrel commented enthusiastically. "I mean, the only down side is that your name is going on my Idea, but…." His voice trailed off as he wrote his check.

Bentley looked all around the room for someone to step up and take his place. Ken was gone. Carmelita was behind Cooper 100% of the way. Murray was just too plain stupid to take on this much responsibility. Someone had to step up and tell Dan that the car looked like shit. Bentley, at that moment realized, that that someone was him. He took a deep breath, and manned up.

"No it's not." He replied.

Cooper couldn't hide his smile, when he saw how disappointed Dan looked.

"What?" Dan asked.

"It's hideous.' Bentley continued. "It's horrific. No car comes out of Cooper high performance…with a tanning bed on the roof. I'm sorry to say, but that's and embarrassment."

Cooper came around Bentley and patted him on the back. "I knew you'd see things my way." Cooper whispered.

Dan just shook his head. "Well, that's just one opinion." He ripped off the check and shoved it in Sly's face. "What's yours," he asked the Raccoon.

At first, Sly had his mouth open to tell Dan off, but then his eyes caught the total. His eyes became rounder and rounder until Carmelita thought that sly just smoked 1 pound of marijuana. His mouth began to drool spit as long strands hit the floor. All Sly could think about was 'How can a real number have that many zeros?'

Bentley got up next to Sly's ear.

"So what are being going to say about you when you die?" Bentley asked.

Sly, swallowed his god unforgiving pride, and spoke.

"They'll say, 'Sly Cooper. That lucky bastard owned a plane."

* * *

_Everyone has hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Because of Columbus's discovery, Millions of Indians died of Small pox. Mad Dog Curry died of radium poisoning, and Galileo the Gecko died of…Stuff. _

_So how much is your dream worth?_

_Well apparently, mine is worth 5,000,000,000 dollars._

_That's about two airplanes._

* * *

**Like I said. If you guys can get me 25 reviews on this story, and 7 more reviews on **_**The Tape, **_**I'll begin working on the next chapter.**

**Here's the key that I talked about at the beginning of the chapter.**

**Chihuahua Columbus = Christopher Columbus.**

**Mad Dog Curry = Madam Curry. **

**Galileo the Gecko = Galileo **

**Thanks for reading and review. Again. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the reviews. oh, and please remeber to tell me which part of the story you like the best. **

**Next chapter. Titus episode: When I say jump. **


	4. When I say Jump

Here it is. The long awaited newest chapter of

_**Dairy of a thieve. **_**Yey! ****Sorry I didn't get to typing sooner. My family had been planning our vacation. I started typing in Kentucky, got a little bit more of this done In Florida, and now I'm home finishing. I had an argument with my parents about taking the laptop. (They have no clue that I do this fan fiction. So I have to type in secret. Which meant I barley typed at all.) **

**Then when I got home, I got a horrible case of procrastination. Mainly because, I own a pool. (kickass.) **

**Thank you to all who reviewed. And a big special thank you to SnowAngle02 who reminded me that I had a story. (that was one of those:oh yeah, I forgot moments.)Again, I'd like to know your favorite part of the story. **

**I also have a youtube page. Check out **_**themetalman3 **_**on youtube. Please watch my drumming video's. **

**And, without further ado, here it is.**

**Prologue.**

* * *

_The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Doggie Thomas once wrote "Do not go quietly into the night, Rage against the dying of the light."_

_Me and Murray once wrote a poem to. It goes "DUNE BUGGYS WHOO HOO!"_

_I realized around my 14__th__ birthday, I wasn't going to be satisfied wasting my time with ping pong tables and hula-hoops. But, if you set the hula-hoop on fire, turn the ping pong table into a ramp and give me a shopping cart, well, now your speaking my language._

_Cause Thieves and Normal people have many differences. The main difference is one person steals and one obeys the law (wimps.)_

_Here's a smaller difference. Normal people would look at a suspension bridge spanning a 15 foot gorge and think "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Thieves would look at the same exact bridge and think, "Oh man do I have to jump that!"_

_With a parachute. I'm not a moron. _

* * *

When people receive paychecks with "Big stinky bonuses" attached, they usually waste it on something that they were never going to use. Sly and Bentley were the only smart ones that used their money wisely. Sly used his to pay some bills, and gave Carmelita a sapphire necklace. The plane thing was a bit up in the air. (Pun intended.)

Bentley used his on that internet company that he was talking about.

Murray, however, was wasteful. He bought a product that he was only going to use once.

Parachutes.

The _Leslie Claypool _Bridge which spanned over the _Roger Waters _Gap was always in full view of the "Happy Camper's" orphanage. It was always the gang's dream to one day, parachute off it. And now that they were adults, with parachutes and health insurance, nothing was on their minds more than to jump that gap now.

Here was the problem however. The gang would always think that each member would be single. They had no clue that Sly would be engaged to a Fox that just wouldn't let them be.

Bentley was the first out of the van. Not that he wanted to jump first; it was just the fact that if he got everyone to jump first, he could pretend to say that he did jump and not have to. (the turtle was deathly afraid of heights.)

The turtle rushed out of the van, with his metallic leg supports clinking all the way. Sly thought that Bentley at the moment reminded him of Forrest Grub Worm. Bentley then stood on the road, and waved his arms franticly. "Go, Go, Go!" he shouted.

Sly, Murray and Carmelita, just casually strolled on to the bridge.

There were two other BASE jumpers that were already on the bridge before the gang showed up. One was over the bridges rail bar, while the other stood behind. The cat on the other side of the rail bar, was taking forever just to jump.

"He said go." Cooper proclaimed to the cat.

And with that, the cat let loose of the railing and free felled a hundred feet before pulling the chute.

The whole gang cheered the cat on. It was a formal greeting from one adrenaline junkie to another.

Carmelita tried to sneak here way out of the small crowd that gathered around the bridge. Sly noticed out of the corner of his eye, Carmelita nervously trying to sneak away.

"Just where do you think you're going?" Sly teased.

Carmelita nervously laughed. The truth was, Carm was also afraid of heights. But she was more frightened of the fact that Sly was going to Jump real soon. What would happen if he died? Her heart couldn't bear to see that happen. So the real reason she was heading for the Van, was so she wouldn't see Sly jump.

"Back to the van." Carmelita replied.

"But you insisted that you stood beside me while I jumped?" Sly stated."You know, if I die and you're not here, that's your fault."

"Yeah, but if I stand beside the van, that's your fault," She told Sly.

Bentley interrupted the two love birds.

"We got an east wind with latitude of 4 knots." He Turtle proclaimed as he held his mobile monitor in the air. "I can't wait to go ahead."

"Well go," Sly said.

Bentley now had a kink to his plan. He tried to come up with a solution.

"No," he said bashfully. "You guys go on ahead."

"Hey," Murray proclaimed cool. "If you spit from up here, when your spit lands, it goes like 50 ft into the ground." Murray then leaned over the bridge, and started to grunt, hocking up a loogie.

"I wouldn't do that." Bentley told Murray.

Too late. Murray then spat a horrific spit wad out of his mouth. Two seconds later, that same exact spit wad came right back up and struck Murray right in the face. His expression immediately turned disgusted, as he wiped the snot and saliva from his face. Bentley showed the hippo the monitor and pointed towards the screen.

"The updraft is 50 knots." Bentley stated.

Sly looked over both of his friends and noticed the second Base jumper that was there before the gang. He was dressed in a jump suit, and was obviously a beagle. This BASE jumper, just like the last, took forever just to jump. It was about 4 minutes later, when Sly spoke to the Beagle.

"Come on man," Sly stated. "Let's go before the cops come."

The beagle cocked an eyebrow. He thought it was strange that the raccoon wanted to jump before the cops came, yet the raccoon's girlfriend just so happen to look very much like a cop herself.

The beagle just sighed and shook his head.

"Yeah," Murray stated to the jumper. "Jump while there's still gravity."

"Hey," the beagle stated like a douche bag, trying to get the gang to shut up. "I'm doing a little thing called preparation, armature."

The gang's eyes shot wide.

"Armatures?" Murray stated surprised. "Do you know who we are?"

"Yeah," Sly stated slightly offended by the Beagles comment. "We're the cooper gang. We lived on this gorge a lot longer than your ass has."

The Beagle couldn't take it. He let go of the railing and flew a hundred feet.

"Yeah, you better fall away!" Sly shouted.

Then suddenly, the gang started to notice, very slowly, that the Beagle hadn't pulled his chute. He was getting lower, and lower to the ground.

"Hey," Murray asked Sly. "Shouldn't that Beagle pull his chute?"

Cooper's eyes studied the silhouette of the Beagle, and that's when he noticed something.

"No, he did pull his chute but it's wrapped around his legs."

As the Diver got closer to the ground, the gang started to become more frantic.

"Shouldn't a chute be puffy and floaty?" Murray asked nervous.

"Not when it's wrapped around your legs." Cooper exclaimed.

The diver was now only 300 feet from the ground. The gang was about to watch a man die in front of their eyes. They didn't want that to happen. The gang started shouting tips.

"Dude!" Murray yelled to the diver. "Start flapping you arms."

"Do something!" Bentley exclaimed.

"Tuck and roll!" Cooper shouted. "Tuck and roooo oh"

Everyone winced. The diver made complete impact to the ground. His body now became lifeless and limp on the rocks. Carmelita ran over to the gang, when she heard them shouting. She got there to see the dead body.

"Oh my God!" Carmelita exclaimed.

Murray then pointed to the ground.

"Dude!"Murray shouted. "That guys helmet popped off. "

And that's when Sly noticed something.

"He wasn't wearing a helmet."

* * *

**Chapter 4: When I say Jump.**

Thank God that Sly's girlfriend just so happened to be Carmelita Montoya Fox. If that wasn't the case, the Chief would have already arrested their ass when arriving on the scene. Instead, after Carmelita's frantic 15 minute pleading and begging, the chief decided to listen to Cooper and Murray's side of the story. Sly could only think of a line from his favorite TV show _South Park. _'press the x button to lie.'

"We were just driving by at the speed limit." Cooper stated to the chief.

"35," Murray added.

"We were just, you know, picking up trash; protecting the environment."

"Give a hoot. Don't pollute." The Hippo sang.

The chief cocked an eyebrow.

"And there were these guys jumping. You know hooligans." Sly continued. "So we pulled over and watched them."

"It's not a crime to watch, right?" Murray asked.

"No," The chief replied. "It's just a crime to participate."

"Oh, man." Bentley stated into thin air. "That poor beagle."

"Well," The chief replied. "Look on the bright side. It's one less knob in the world."

Cooper turned to Murray and mouthed the word 'Knobs?'

Cooper then turned his head back and asked the Chief of police. "So, are you going to let us go?"

"You're lucky That Carmelita is your girlfriend," The chief stated. "Or I would have arrested your ass in an instant. You're free to go. But here's a little warning, if you are involved with any sort of crime, regardless of your relationship to the best cop on Interpol, I will throw your ass in Jail faster than you can say, 'damn, that was fast.'" And with that last statement, the chief rounded up the rest of his troops, and they headed off in the ambulance.

Cooper and Murray both exchanged looks, almost saying 'whew. That was a close call.'

Carmelita strode over to her boyfriend, looking at the rocks where a body once laid.

"That was so tragic." She stated.

"yeah, we almost got a ticket." Sly replied.

"No," Carmelita proclaimed. "The guy dying, that was tragic. Come on, let's just go home."

"No, no, no, no, no," Sly stated really fast. "We can't go. We still got to jump."

The Fox's eyes widen.

"What!" she yelled.

"oh hell yeah!" Murray shouted as he lifted one leg over the rail. Sly stopped him.

"You should probably grab a chute." Cooper stated.

Murray at first, thought about what he was saying. Then it hit him.

"Oh yeah," Murray said.

Carmelita was furious. She smacked her hands on the rail.

"You're not serious are you?" She shouted. "A guy just died here. Do you get that? Died. D-IED!"

Cooper shrugged away the mental image.

"What are the odds of it happening twice in a row?" he laughed nervously. "It's like lightning."

* * *

_Carmelita use to be my punisher. Now she's my protector. Whenever I'm involved in a stupid situation that could get my ass either killed or thrown in jail, she is always the first one to stand up and take the heat. _

_But she's got to get over that. Because I don't want to be 80 years old; living in a nursing home; and have her on my back telling me that I can't slide down the safety ramp._

_I can just picture it now. I'll be old, wrinkled, and in a wheel chair about ready to go down a three foot ramp. And she'll be old, wrinkly, and in a walker. She'll tell me that I can't slide down the ramp, and I'll be all like "Whatever women. I got only a few more days to live." Then I'll go like an inch and my heart would explode._

* * *

"Cooper!" Carmelita continued. "His head popped off and rolled away. Popped and rolled. Don't you think that's a bad sign?" Carmelita was very persistent. After she saw one BASE jumper die, she was very fearful of her boyfriend jumping.

"He was dead long before that." Cooper announced.

Carmelita just squinted her eyes and looked at her boyfriend as if to say 'who are you?' Cooper knew that look.

"Now," he stated. "don't give me the Squinty miss Squinterson look."

Carmelita sighed and tucked in both arms.

"Or the arm fold folderson sigh,"

She then looked away. It was such a hard thing to do; having a relationship with Cooper. He knew all of her looks, moods, and moves she'd do. It was going to take a lot to surprise him.

"Why?" she asked Cooper. "Why do you have to be an Adrenalin Junkie?"

"Because," he replied. "Doing things like this make me feel alive. And...well…you can't wrap your mind around that because you get your rush…buying shoes."

Carmelita looked at Cooper and gave him the death stare.

"And shoes are great," he saved himself. "But I need more than that." He whined.

"In a pine box and 6ft of dirt?" she asked.

"Yes," Cooper exclaimed at Carmelita's sarcasm. "And a head stone that reads, 'here lies Sly Cooper. He was the greatest thieve known to mankind. He lived life on the edge, and he got to tap Carmelita Fox."

She gave him the death stare again.

"It's a compliment." Sly proclaimed.

Murray and Bentley arrived on the "here lies" part of the conversation. Murray had three parachutes. He threw one over Sly, gave one to Bentley, and snapped his own right on his back.

"You know," Bentley began. "I want to be cremated when I die. And as you all know from my Christmas letter I don't want to be kept on life support."

Murray moved over to the edge of the bridge as he spoke.

"I want to be kept on life support." Murray stated. "I want to be a vegetable,"

"Want to be?" Sly laughed. "Dude, you already are."

"What?" Murray asked.

"Nothing."

"Just think how awesome it would be to be a vegetable. People wait on you. And when people talk to you, you don't have to answer them back. Plus, you get to eat, through your arm. How sweet is that?" Murray announced.

Carmelita turned to Sly, and tapped him on the shoulder franticly trying to get his attention.

"Sly," she persisted. "If you jump and survive you'll be lucky to end up like Murray."

"I am not going to be a vegetable." Cooper proclaimed. "And besides, I'll more than likely not survive."

"But I will," she pleaded. "And I would be without you."

"Awww," Cooper sighed. "I know it's your duty as my girlfriend to say that. But it's my duty as the dude...to jump anyway."

"NO!" she shouted as she blocked the railing with her body. "You'll have so much to lose."

"We're not going to lose anything." He replied. He tried shifting over to the left of the rail. Again, Carmelita blocked it with her body. Sly then shifted over to the right. Again, Carm was there. Then, instead of moving in front of Sly like the last time, Carmelita gripped him in a pleading, clinging, hug.

Sly gave off an annoyed sigh. He tried thinking of reasons for Carm to let him jump.

"Look," he began. "Even if I do die. I'm not that great. You'll get over me. I mean, I don't listen to you. I'm not going to listen anytime soon. And I say stuff like this. God I must be the worst boyfriend ever."

"But you're my boyfriend." Carmelita cried. "You're my little ring tail."

"Cooper also has anger problems." Murray stated as he lifted both of his legs over the rail.

"Exactly," Cooper agreed.

"Eventually you and I will hook up anyway." Murray continued.

Sly and Carmelita now scowled ant Murray with such ferocious eyes that the Side of Murray's neck started to boil.

Sly threw one leg over the railing when Carm wasn't looking. Before he could throw the other leg over, Carmelita stopped him.

"COOPER!" she shouted. "YOU MAY NOT, YOU SHALL NOT, AND YOU WILL NOT JUMP OFF THIS BRIDGE!"

"Dude!" Murray stated. "You're whipped." And then he made the sound of a whip crackling.

* * *

_When a women forbids a man to do something in front of another man, two things will happen._

_The man will obviously ignore the women._

_The other man will say "Whipped," and then make the sound of a whip cracking._

_20 bucks says I'll be eighty, in a nursing home, and Carmelita will forbid me to eat some bacon. Murray will still say, "Whipped." _

* * *

As Murray zipped up his jumpsuit before taking his dive, a bright Idea popped to his head.

"Hey Dude," he exclaimed to Sly. Sly turned his head to meat Murray's. "Do you know that one Cat Eastwood movie where he shoots all of those Russian guys?" Murray continued. "I want you to pretend your Cat Eastwood, and pretend to shoot me off the bridge."

Sly just shook his head. "Murray," He exclaimed. "I'm in the middle of an argument with my fiancée. I have no time to play games."

Murray didn't take the hint. So he started to do his finest impression of a Russian guy.

"I killed you rodkie partnar and he scrdeamed like a little giral. What are you going to do?" **(Sorry. it's suppose to be a russian accent.)** The hippo exclaimed.

Sly laughed and shook his head. He decided to play along. Once in a while it is always fun to play childish games. So, using his hands to pull his hair back, he did his finest impression of Cat Eastwood; with on hand on his hair and the other in the shape of a gun, pointed at Murray.

"You have the right to remain dead." Sly stated in a gruff tone. Then he pretended to fire two shots. "Bang bang."

Murray clutched his chest, playing along. And then, taking one last breath, he decided to lean off the bridge. He flew 100 feet before pulling his chute. Everyone on the bridge leaned forward to watch Murray fall. They cheered him on when he pulled his chute; everyone except Carmelita.

"you see Carmelita?" Sly stated to her. "Murray is completely fine. His chute is puffy and floaty."

Bentley could no longer take the pressure. He pulled his goggles over his eyes, and without his conciseness, he yelled, "That's it, I'm jumping." He ran to the side of the bridge. When he had one leg over the bar, Bentley fully realized what he was about to do. He shocked himself. There was no way in hell that Bentley would Jump. So, using his wits, he faked a leg cramp, and told Sly to go first.

Sly was very eager to Jump. The anticipation was pumping through his system so fast that he could feel his body move without his consistence. It was automatic. Grab the chute, strap it on, pull yourself over the rails, and Jump. The only thing that stopped his systematic timing was his one and only true love, Carmelita. She grabbed him by the arm, while he started to lift both of his feet over the rail. He stood there' both feet on the side and one arm in Carmelita's palm, when she said those words.

"Sly!" she yelled with a fiery burning passion. "If you jump off this bridge, I. Will. Leave. You!"

The Ringtail stopped. He tried replaying the words in his mind, trying to find a way around it. Leave him? Never in a million years did he think that Carmelita would say those words. He slowly backed away from the ledge. Still, however he didn't move his legs back onto the bridge. He stared at Carmelita, surprised, while she continued.

"If you jump off this bridge," She yelled like a preacher. "I will pack my things….and I'll move back in with my dad...And I promise that I'll never see you Again!"

Sly's eyes were rounded to the point that they reflected light. He couldn't believe it. Carmelita loved him so much that she'd leave him if he ever put himself in danger.

But then it dawned on him. Maybe she loved him so much that she couldn't leave him. She never could resist his charm. That why she lied to him when he faked amnesia. She loved him too much. So maybe, it was just possible, that she never meant anything that she said. Maybe _she was lying._

"no you won't." He guffawed. He then, threw on his safety goggles, as he put himself in the diving position, ready to jump.

"SLY!" she yelled.

Too late. In no later than a second, Sly sprang free into the air and free fall 10 hundred feet.

"I'm airborne!" he declared as he fell.

* * *

_Adrenaline is the perfect drug. Forget cocaine, and forget marijuana, Adrenaline is where it's at. It's made free right in your body. All you have to do is jump off a bridge where the right equipment. Or ride a rollercoaster strapped in the right equipment. _

_Or_

_You can sleep with Carmelita Montoya Fox._

_Wearing the right "equipment"_

* * *

As Murray and Cooper got right back on the bridge, they met up with Bentley. Both the Raccoon and the Hippo described the Jump in vivid detail. Both in the end said, it was the greatest experience in their lives. Bentley however, could only follow up on their story with an experience with a truck passing him while they were climbing up the mountain.

When Sly and Murray finally stopped laughing at Bentley's pathetic excuses for a follow story, Cooper finally noticed that someone was missing on the bridge.

"Where's Carmelita?" Sly asked.

"She left for the van immediately after you jumped." Bentley stated. "I have no clue what she's doing."

As if on cue, Carmelita ran on to the bridge from wherever she came. She had a weird spring to her step, and moved like a hyper jitterbug. She still had on her regular clothes, but equipped on her back, was a parachute. She was going to jump. When she spoke, she sounded like a high school cheerleader.

"Alright, let's jump this bitch!" she declared.

"w-what!" Sly yelled.

"Yeah, I'm going to rip into life, pull this chord, and then buy 15 pairs of shoes. It will be a double rush. But you probably can't wrap your mind around that."

At first, Sly was very surprised. But, as her motives dawned on him, he began to laugh. He knew what she was doing. She had a habit of doing this. Whenever Sly did something very stupid, or very evil, she would impersonate him. It was to show a reflection of either how stupid or how ungrateful he was acting. Sometimes, Sly got the hint.

Other times, however, Sly just played along. So, with a loud cough, he began to do his impression of Carmelita.

"You're not serious are you? A man died here today. D-ied." He impersonated.

Carmelita rolled her eyes, and then turned to Murray.

"Murray? Do you push you self off, or do you just let yourself fall?" she asked.

"Murray, don't answer that." Sly said. the hippo didn't listen.

"You just jump, and the falling, just sorta happens." Murray stated.

"You just shut up, and the quiet, just sorta happens." Sly retorted. There was no way that Sly was going to let Carmelita jump. Sure, it seemed a bit hypocritical for Sly to not give Carmelita permission to jump. But this was different. She was the _girl. _

* * *

_I have never got Carmelita into my extreme life style. Sure, I've gotten her to follow me when we use to be cops and robbers, but she was never in the life. Even now, while we are married, she never wants to be a part of anything dangerous. _

_She even wrote a poem about it. _

_It goes. "DUNE BUDDIES. AHHH! OH WHY OH WHY! PLEASE GOD, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, DON'T LET ME DIE!"_

_It rhymes. _

* * *

He stopped Carmelita when she had one leg over the railing. This caused her to be caught between skydiving and standing on the bridge. When Sly grabbed her arm, he made sure that he got her attention.

"Allright Carmelita," Sly smiled. "I'll play your game." Then his expression immediately changed, from sarcasm, to fear and sadness. "Please Carmelita, I love you and I've seen what I've put you through. I'll never do it again. Oh god please don't jump." Then he cried. Immediately after, his expression changed back into his normal devious state, as he smiled. "See Carm. That's exactly what you sound like."

Carmelita just stared at him in the eyes. She wasn't going to give up that easy. If she did, then her decision to put on the chute would have been a waste. And if Sly could survive, so could she.

"Count to five and pull the chute" she stated. "I think I got this."

She then threw her other leg over the railing.

Sly was persistent. He knew that women always won the arguments, but it was in his nature as the man to win as many arguments as possible. And if Carmelita jumped and survived, he would lose, thus, making him never to jump off another bridge again. When Carmelita leaned over the railing for free fall, she was immediately caught by Sly's hand. With all his strength, he pulled her back.

"All right, we get it." He replied. "You've read the manual. Let's go home."

"In your dreams." She replied. Again she leaned forward, and yet again, Sly pulled her back. This time however, he was furious.

"Carmelita, you may not, you will not, you shall not jump off this bridge." Sly statted.

Murray gasped.

"Carmelita just got whipped." Murray proclaimed. "And she's the girl. That contradicts the laws of physics man."

When Sly wasn't looking, Carmelita again leaned forward. Luckily, Sly's hand kept her from falling off the bridge, and once more, he pulled her up. The whole situation was frustrating. All he wanted to do was to have Carmelita listening to him. This probably caused him to lose his cool.

"CARMELITA!" he yelled. "WE ARE HEADING HOME!"

Carmelita wasn't frightened. As a matter of fact, she was annoyed. Her eyes rolled so far back into her skull, for a second there, she thought she saw her brain. When Carm's eyes rolled back into position, she talked with frustration.

"Or what?" she replied snarky. "Are you going to _leave me?" _

"Yeah. I'll pack my bags and I'll move in with your dad." He stated.

"Ha." She laughed. "You're such a horrible liar."

That's when she did it. She didn't even mean anything about it. All she did was poke Sly's chest. In response he did something that grabbed Carmelita's attention immediately. He giggled. She cocked an eyebrow. She decided to poke him again. Once more, a small cackle escaped his lips.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked interested.

"I'm a little ticklish." He replied shy.

"Oh you are," she sang with enthusiasm. Suddenly, her fingers went into hyper drive, and started tickling Sly. As she got faster in faster, Sly started to curl into a ball. It was involuntary. Whenever someone gets tickled, that's how they react. And that was exactly what Carmelita had in mind. When Sly was too far back to keep a hold of Carmelita, she jumped.

It was at this moment, that Carmelita accidently pulled the chute way to early. She only fell a few feet, before the Chute caught on the bridges support metal beams, and swung her under the bridge. She was now left in mid air, swinging back in forth, with her only support being a back pack.

Sly was shocked; almost crying. To the gang, it looked as if Carmelita disappeared. He ran over the bridge railing, and called out her name. "Carmelita!" he screamed.

After a few seconds of silence, Sly's heart sank to his stomach. He felt as if his whole world came crashing down. He thought that she was gone, and gone forever. But before he burst into tears, everyone in the gang heard a sound. It was almost like a mouse squeaking. It was Carmelita, under the bridge, and she uttered a very small "help."

After a few minutes of planning, Sly grabbed a rope, undid his chute on the bridge, strapped on the chute. Gave the chute to the Bentley and Murray, and started to climb down the bridge towards Carmelita with the rope in his hand. Had he been younger, he wouldn't have given the gang his chute to pull him back up in case he fell. But, now that he was older, and in a relationship with Carm, he didn't trust how well his balance skills were. Better safe than sorry people always say.

As he climbed down the bridge, he tried to give Carmelita his comfort through words. However, since he was very nervous at the thought of falling, his words didn't exactly give Carm that much reassurance.

"Don't worry honey," Sly stuttered. "This happens all the time."

"It does?" Murray asked.

"Shut up," Sly replied harshly.

He continued to climb back down. He made sure he spoke to Carmelita along the way.

"Wow," Sly stated enthusiastically, as if he were talking to a pet dog. "You really jumped hon. You showed me, huh? Girl power." Then he gave off a nervous laughter.

Carmelita just hanged there. The position she was in made her look as If she were on a swing. She actually looked almost innocent. But mostly, she looked scared.

"Honey, are you alright?" Sly asked concerened.

"Well," Carmelita replied frighten and timid. "I banged my knee up a bit when falling, but I think I'm fine. I-I have a little scrape." And then she lost her cool. "AND I'M STUCK ON A FREAKIN BRIDGE!" she screamed. "HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP RIGHT NOW! I'M SO SCARED."

Cooper interrupted her.

"Now honey," he replied. "Your chute is stuck. There is no way you are going to fall."

Murray, who was up on the bridge, could hear their conversation. He decided to add his two cents.

"Unless you move, and dislodge the chute." The pink hippo added.

Carmelita immediately gasped at the suddenly realization of something. From the tone of her gasp, Sly knew exactly what she was going to say.

"Oh my god!" she squeaked with fear. "I'm going to die!"

"No you're not." Sly replied.

"Well of course she'll die." Murray added. "If she moves and the chute dislodges she'll fall to her death."

Sly tugged on his chute with force. This caused Murray, who was holding on to the strings, to slam his head into the rail. A resounded "thump" was heard followed by the echo of the railing. As Murray gasped for breath, he spoke.

"Dude!" he shouted. "That was awesome! I never felt so much adrenaline. Can you do that again?"

"With pleasure." Cooper replied, and once more, he tugged on the chute, causing Murray to slam his head again. Sly knew that he was probably giving his friend head trama, but he didn't care. He had more important issues on his hands; such as the life of his lover, wife, and possible mother of his child, Carmelita Montoya Fox.

"Please be calm," Sly ordered his wife to be while he unraveled the rope.

"you know what my last thought Is going to be before my guts get splattered all over those rocks is?" Carm timidly whispered to Sly. Then she shouted. "I'M GOING TO DIE SINGLE!"

"At least you have love," Bentley replied from the top of the bridge.

"Oh shut up Bentley!" she shouted. When she said this, her eyes drifted to the ground below. She screamed, and then closed her eyes, wishing for this day to be a bad dream.

Cooper immediately reacted when he heard the one he loved scream. He was about to hand her the rope, but he noticed that her eyes were closed. It would be kind of hard for someone to catch something, if their eyes were closed and their hands were gripped tightly around something. He tried to get her attention.

"Honey," he stated. "You know that thing you do, when you stare at me because you're really pissed off. Do that."

"That means I have to open my eyes." She screamed.

"no duh, now grab the rope," he stated as he tossed her the line.

"But I still have to open my eyes." She screamed with her eyes wide shut.

"Honey, open your eyes. I can't reach you if you don't help me." He yelled as he wound up the rope.

"Less talking, more saving."

* * *

_I can save anyone from tragedy. It's all about thinking quickly and finding the right word._

* * *

"Honey, when we get married, I want you in a black dress."

That did the trick. She immediately stared towards Sly, with her mouth gapped open and her eyes widen with surprise and anger. It was a death stare times 10. It was so powerful that it almost shot Sly right off the bridge.

"A BLACK DRESS?" she lashed out.

He suddenly smiled, realizing that his words did the trick.

"There that's the look I'm looking for!" he sang as he tossed the rope to her. Again, the rope bounced off her and Sly had to tie it back up. Carmelita spoke to herself, still amazed at what Sly said.

"What kind of pig where's a black wedding dress?" she said out loud.

"I was thinking some leather, red pumps, and some fish necks. Now please grab the rope."Sly stated.

"I'm wearing white!" Carmelita exclaimed. "A white lacy sleeveless gown; elegant but understated."

Again the rope fell. Sly stayed on the topic of their wedding.

"Well what about the shoes?" he asked. Then under his breath, he commanded "grab the rope."

"The shoes? Oh yeah." Carmelita remembered; this time actually involuntarily grabbing the rope. Sly started to pull her into the bridge as she spoke. "Maybe some green colored plaids, cause you know how my arch-"

Immediately, Carmelita accidently looked down, and screamed. Sly tried calming her down as he pulled her in closer.

"Don't worry babe," Sly said to the frantic Carmelita. "I got you."

"And I got you." Murray said.

Suddenly, a small but audible ring was heard. It was obviously Murray's cell phone. The thing that wasn't obvious, however, was as soon as the ringtone was heard, Murray dropped what he was doing (which in this case, would be Sly,) and picked up his phone. Sly screamed as Murray let go. Sly clung to his girlfriend for dear life. Now Sly and Carmelita, were just swinging back and forth. If the chute slipped, the couple would fall 500 feet to their immediate deaths. And yet, here was Murray, yapping on his phone like a Chihuahua.

Murray flipped open his phone. "Hey, this is Murray who is this?"

"Murray!" the couple screamed.

"Excuse me," Murray told the person on the other line. Then he turned to the couple. "I'm on the phone," he exclaimed. Then he went back to his conversation on the phone.

"Murray!" Sly screamed.

"What! What is so important? Can't you see that I'm on the phone?"

* * *

_Nothing scares Murray, except for spiders, coffins, fire, guards, drowning, Carmelita….._

_Okay, scratch that, everything scares Murray now of days._

_But when he was a kid, oh my god. It was like he had no fear what so ever. I remember an incident growing up in the orphanage, where he brought me and Bentley out and he struck a bee's nest with a bat. He called bee's nest "natures piñata."_

_He would have been a hell of a fire man. But, according to Murray's rules of logic, since he couldn't grow a mustache, he couldn't be a fire man._

* * *

Now that the motion of swinging stopped, Sly and Carmelita were stuck. That was the good news. The bad news was, in this position, they could both feel the chute getting looser and looser.

"Guys!" Sly screamed. "A little help here please. Bentley."

Bentley immediately grabbed Sly's chute. "I got it." Bentley proclaimed. Then Bentley started to go to his left, which was the opposite way of the bridge.

"Other way." Carmelita stated.

"I knew that." Bentley defended himself as he strode to his right.

The unfortunate thing was, since Bentley already walked to the left, the motion of him moving back and forth was causing the couple to swing again. Both would each try to grab on the bridge, but each time, they failed, and would start to swing out back into thin air. Sly, was still trying to ease the stress of his women, by talking about their wedding.

"What kind of flowers do you want for the wedding?" Sly asked.

"Oh shut up." Carmelita lashed. "We're going to die. I have no time to talk about this. I want 'bird's in paradise,' and if those aren't available then 'season lily's'"

While the couple spoke, Murray immediately realized what was happening in front of him, and climb back up the bridge, to join Bentley and help him pull Sly and Carmelita back to safety. Murray climb over the railing, and assisted the turtle. He grabbed the chute and started walking to the right. Both the hippo and the turtle started to pull the rope up so Sly and Carmelita could land on one of the support beams. Slowly, but surly, Sly and Carmelita got closer to a beam. They got close enough to the point that Carmelita reached out with one of her hands, and pulled both her and Sly on to the bottom of the bridge. They landed on the beam with a loud thump. They breathed so heavily.

Carmelita, once she sat down on the bottom metal parts of the bridge, started to calm down.

Cooper however, was panicking.

"Honey, are you alright!" he said.

Carmelita then looked at Sly. It wasn't a death stare, and it wasn't a blank stare. It was a strange type of stare that Cooper felt he saw before, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. The stare burned just like the death stare, but instead of anger, it burned with passion and want. Still, however, Carmelita didn't speak. This drove Sly to asking the question...

"Honey? What's wrong?"

And that's that when she said it.

"That made me so horny!"

"What!"

And before Sly could say one more word, Carmelita pulled him to her mouth, and started to undo the buttons on his shirt.

* * *

_Certain girls, are turned on by certain things. I realized that day that near life-death experiences make Carmelita Hooooooooooooooooooooot!_

_Note to self: on our honey moon, remember to dress Murray in a ski mask and tell him to car jack us. Then, let the good times roll. rawr._

* * *

After a few seconds of frantic kissing, and the dismantling of clothes, some blood finally reached Sly's brain. He had the common sense to stop the kissing, before they got any farther. His breath was hyperventilating.

"Honey, we need to stop." He stated with his shirt off his chest.

"were just getting started." She giggled with lust. Then, like a dominatrix, she commanded, "take your pants off, now."

"We're on the bridge." He stated, pushing her mouth away from his face. "We can't do it on a bridge, that's just too risky."

"Doesn't the danger make it that much more pleasurable." She lustfully told him. "And besides. Risky makes me frisky."

She pulled Sly back in for another tongue wagging, devilish French kiss. Sly's blood slowly started to leave his head and headed to "other places." his tail wagging like a dog's.

* * *

_I felt like a virgin all over again. I never done it on a bridge before._

_Then, yet again, my mind kicked in. I had to get us to safety. _

_However, I still was turned on. I tried thinking of anything; dad scratching himself with a salad fork; getting defeated at Halo. Anything to keep me down._

_Then, I thought of Aunt Grace in her underwear. That did the trick._

* * *

Carmelita was very persistent. She would not take no for an answer. While Sly finally stood on the metal beam, Carmelita started using her tongue and flicked his pointy ears. Sly was very frustrated with Carmelita. It was almost like talking to a brick wall. But the ear thing was what broke the straw on the camel's back.

"Dammit Carmelita." He yelled. "If you want to have sex this bad, when we get home, I'll put the mattress on the roof."

Her eye's widen at the idea, and suddenly she submitted. "Well in that case, it's a deal." She stated. She turned to get her balance on the metal support, when her eye's darted down. Her gasp was so loud, that Sly was afraid that she "lost herself," before he even did anything. Then, she spoke.

"Oh My God, Sly" she exclaimed enthusiastically while looking down. "I totally understand you now."

Sly looked down. And for the first time in his life, he noticed something. Danger.

"oh my god, Carmelita." He stated with fear. "I totally understand you now."

"we're hanging off a bridge together." She stated plain of fact.

"yeah. We can fall 500 feet to our deaths." He stated.

"I know, isn't awesome!"

That's when Sly realized something. Carmelita had changed in front of his eyes. She became something that Sly wanted, That Sly needed. And he changed too. They changed as a couple. Now they both truly understood each other, and why one was not like the other. Maybe the old time saying was right. Opposites attract.

"you're cool." Sly said to Carm.

She felt her heart warm as he said those words. She realized that she loved him, no matter how stupid, ignorant, or annoying he was. Was he perfect, hell no. but he was hers, and she was his. Together, forever, in perfect harmony.

"You make me cool." She replied.

* * *

_She's beautiful, smart, courageous, powerful, strong, firm, kind, caring, uplifting, seducing, and sexy. I got the girlfriend lottery with her. And, that day, she understood me. I never had anything to lose when I was a thieve. But now, Carmelita is my something. Carmelita makes me not want to splatter myself on the rocks. Carmelita makes me not want to blow a tire drag racing and crash into a wall. She's the reason I never steal anymore. She's the reason that I don't take any risk. _

_Great._

_BUT NOW I'M BORRING!_

* * *

He freaked. He was acting almost like a small school girl, screaming at the top of his lungs as he climbed up the bridge. Carm was the one that pulled him down.

"What's the matter with you?" she asked.

"We got too much to lose" he said frantic. "I don't want to die."

"We'll lose nothing," she replied. "Bentley will pull us up."

"No, no, no." he said quickly. "The chute could snap and we'll fall to our deaths. I could lose you." As he spoke more, he started to curl himself into a ball on the bridge. Then and Idea popped into his head. "I know!" he proclaimed. "We'll just live right her on the bridge. We'll raise our kids right on the girder."

"Aww." Carmelita stated. A dumb and scared Sly was so cute.

"We'll be bridge people." He said.

While Carmelita enjoyed this sight, she quickly realized it was her job as the girl, to comfort him. She tried to use the same tactic as Sly did, and asked him about their wedding.

"What will you be wearing to the wedding?" She asked. "A top hat and coattails to match your tail?"

Sly took it to offense.

"I'm not introducing Clowns," he replied. "And it's a bad time to bring up wedding crap."

"Honey, we'll be fine." She stated. "We'll climb up the bridge. And even if you don't we got our parachutes on."

"Okay, honey." He said as he stood up, ready to climb the bridge. "If you do fall, you throw you pilot chute. That opens the parachute. And when you land, make sure to bend your knees. Otherwise if you don't, your femur could be jammed up into your chest, rip your heart out and kill you."

Instead of being shocked or appealed by what Cooper said, Carmelita got that glint in her eye's once more.

"Keep talking baby," she sultry told him. "You're turning me on."

"I said, not now!" he replied. He then turned to others for help. "Murray!"

That's when they hear it. Sirens. And the sirens belong to non other, that the chief of police that tried to arrest them earlier. Murray and Bentley immediately panicked, and threw the chute down. It fell onto Sly's face. Both the hippo and Bentley did something drastically different. While Sly fumed in defeat, he could hear Bentley plea to the cops.

"I didn't do anything!" Bentley screamed. "It was those two down on the bridge. And this hippo here. He sells pot."

"When I was a teenager!" the hippo replied.

"Sir," the officer stated. "Put your hands behind your back."

Murray was not going to let the law win. So instead of complying, he made sure that his chute was secure and jumped off the bridge.

Sly actually caught a Glimpse of Murray falling once he stuffed his chute pack in his pack. Then, to the left of Sly, a small rope with a yellow strap around it lowered itself.

"You two down there," the chief said, unaware that he was speaking to Sly and Carmelita. "Put the harness on and we'll pull you up."

Carmelita started to cry.

"We're busted!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, but at least we got a ride." Sly statted.

"NO!" she shouted. "I'm jumping."

"What?"

"Sly. You know how some girl's have dreams of being movie stars or runway models? Well, my dream was to be the only one in my family not to get arrested. That's why I became a cop. My brother was sent to jail three times in his life, my sister was arrested on drug charges, and now I'm going to be arrested on a bridge."

Sly had to take pity. In a life so simple, dreams were as well. He wanted to help her in some way to achieve that dream, and that's when the light bulb went off in his head. He took off both his chute, and Carmelita's chute, and then placed her parachute on his body.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Trading chutes." He replied. "Here's my Idea. You jump before me, and then I'll go after you. Once we get to the bottom, you can trade my chutes. And when the cops come, you'll have me in cuffs, and can tell them that I tried stealing a car or something."

"You know that saying that and pleading guilty could get you up to three months in prison."

"2 with good behavior." He replied.

Her heart warmed even more.

"You'll go to the slammer, for me?"

"Anything for you babe."

She grew a smile that made him melt. Once he realized what they were about to do, he told his Girlfriend something important.

"Carm," he began. "I just want you to know, that if your chute doesn't go, I'll just fall to my death."

She was starting to feel the butterflies in her stomach. It was comforting to know that he was marring this man.

"Okay." She replied. But, before she jumped, she gave her pearl of wisdom. "Oh, and if your chute doesn't open….I'll date other people."

And with that she jumped. Sly immediately jumped after her, shouting, "You better not date Murray!"

* * *

_The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Doggie Thomas once said "Do not go quietly into that night. Rage against the dying of the light."_

_But, if you got someone at home you loves you, rage responsibly._

_Oh, and if you happen to live by the Leslie Claypool Bridge spanning over the Roger Water's gap, and you decide one day that you want to jump it, I've got a simple piece of advice._

_Don't tell your girlfriend._

_Cause the next thing you know, she's strapping you in handcuffs and you have to spend 1 and a half months in prison with some weird dude name "Frank."_

* * *

**Doggie Thomas=Dillon Thomas. **

**Forrest Grub Worm=Forrest Gump**

**So what do you guys think. I know that has been a while. Sorry for the wait. Hope you enjoy.**

**Oh, and the name for the Gap and the bridge, they are named after my two favorite Bass Payers.**

**Les Claypool for Primus (this man is a freak. both with his humor and how freaking fast he can play the bass)**

**And Roger Water's for Pink Floyd. (lyrical genius. philosepher. you know the album _The Wall. _Yeah, he wrote the whole damn thing.)**

**Please review. 20 reviews equals the next chapter.**

**Preview: titus episode-Private Dave**


	5. Private Maury

**Here's the other chapter of **_**Dairy of a Theive. **_**Sorry it took me so long, I've been packing for rock camp.**

**Yeah, there is such a thing as rock camp.**

**And it's not a Jonas Brother's, Disney Corporation owned camp, this is the real deal. This camp is bad ass. Tom Morello, the guitarist from both Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, is going to be there for a Q &A. I'm so freakin pumped man. It's called the Paul Green School of rock, and there's a chain of them around the country. **

**I had to pack all of my stuff to get ready. Sorry for the long wait. So without further ado, this is it. **

**Prologue. **

_Sometimes, to protect the ones you love, you have to commit a felony. Carmelita's job was at stake when we were on that bridge. So I took all of the heat for her. We made up some story about how I stole a car, and I ended up being in prison for a month. Both I and Carmelita really knew that I was doing this out of pure love._

_But I couldn't say that to my cell mate._

"_Hey man, what are you in here for?"_

"_Armed robbery, carjacking."_

_And of course you'd have to say, "Love."_

_And trust me that will get you picked last in prison kick ball. _

_The strange thing about Jail is not the Jail itself, but how life changes on the outside once you get released. Carmelita's marriage to me was postponed for a bit, but a week from today, we'll be a happy married couple. Bentley actually met up with his biological father. They are actually getting along very well. I can see where Bentley gets most of his looks and personality from. Bentley's dad is a computer technician working at Verizon. _

_But the weirdest thing of all that happened on the outside while I was away was Murray actually got a girlfriend. _

_Her name is Linda Dog. She's an Asian terrier that Murray met up with while he was a stock car racer. She was on the opponents racing team, but somehow they became good friends. Now they are a couple. They seem so happy together._

_So I teased them relentlessly._

_It's not that I didn't like them together, it's because it's fun. It's a part of life. You don't want bad things to happen to your best friend, you want to cause things to happen to your best friend. Besides, if he's an orphan just like you, his parents won't be able to sue you. _

_I remember how I would constantly soak him with a cold bucket of water while he was asleep at the Happy Camper's orphanage. _

_Messing with your best friend is not torture, its training. I was just preparing him for that day when the girl he loves hit's him with a cold bucket of heartbreak. I thought I was doing well._

_But, about two days ago, I got a suicide note from him._

_I ran as fast as I could to the bus station._

* * *

The bus station where Murray said in his suicide note that he was going to hang himself at was port worth bus station. Port worth is by far one of the stinkiest, poorly constructed, and uncoordinated Bus stops in the country. It was three miles away from Cooper's and Carmelita's home. If someone tried to run that distance, the average time would be 30 minutes.

Cooper made it there in ten.

He was frantic. He looked as though he seen a ghost. He didn't want Murray to die, nobody did. He told Bentley as well what was going on, and he immediately ran to the bus station. As soon as he burst through the doors, he did a complete circle scanning around the bus station looking for Murray. Then he immediately saw Murray sitting on a shoe shine station. Cooper let out a very loud sigh of relief and his knees buckled to the point where he almost crashed to the floor.

"Murray!" Cooper screamed. "Oh thank god you're not dead."

Murray seemed to have a disappointed scowl on his face, as he crossed his arms. He almost acted like a two year old when he spoke.

"Yeah, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago." Murray grumbled.

Cooper lost it. His left arm went up and struck Murray on the back of the head. His right hand reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. Cooper's eyes were blaring with anger. He was so frustrated with Murray and his attitude.

"Well maybe you shouldn't Mail your _suicide note!" _He angrily replied.

"I had extra stamps. You can't take it with you." Murray stated.

Sly hung his head low. He questioned why he was even best friends with this moron. He then held up both of his hands symbolizing Murray to hush up and listen to what he was about to say.

"Listen." Cooper stated. "Linda is not worth it Man. No women is, and especially not Linda of all people."

"I know." Murray replied. But Sly didn't listen. His volume rose higher as he went on his full fledge rant about Linda.

"I mean nobody even likes her man. She's mean, she's intolerable, and she's disgusting, rude, and apprehensive. I mean there are some days where I just want to grab her neck and-"

"HEY!" Murray shouted. Sly immediately took attention. "I know. It's stupid to kill yourself."

Sly let out another Sigh of relief. He then smiled and patted Murray on the head.

"I knew that some day that tiny little brain would kick in." Cooper exclaimed.

"Yeah it did." Murray replied smiling. Cooper was happy that Murray finally got some brain power.

But then, with much excitement, Murray shouted. "I JOINED THE ARMY!"

Sly's smile immediately shifted into a shocked face.

"NOW I GET TO KILL PEOPLE AND THEY'LL SEND ME TO COLLEGE!"

* * *

**Chapter five: Private Murray.**

Sly couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was one of his worst things in imagination. Murray joined the army? Sly's face looked as if though it would explode.

"W-w-w-what?" Sly asked.

Murray, still beaming with confidence shouted "I joined the Army!"

* * *

_The brain is only selective active. So sometimes, if someone says something so outrageous, that person has to say it twice._

* * *

What Murray said was in Sly's opinion, the wrong answer. Did Murray even know the consequences of joining the army? Again, Sly asked, "What did you do?"

Murray, never picked up on Sly's angry undertone, and almost like a puppy, he happily said, "I joined the Army."

* * *

_You know the brain, can do the funniest things. Sometimes, you can get a tumor up in there, and start hearing things and thinking they're completely other things._

* * *

"What did you do?" Sly asked a third time.

Murray was now thinking that Sly had problems. Because judging from his facial expressions, it looked as if Cooper was constipated. Murray then using hand singles, told Sly what he did as if he were talking to a 3 year old.

"I _joined _the _army!" _Murray exclaimed.

Sly then, brought Murray over to the side. Sly was smiling for some unknown reason, but if Cooper told you now, the reason why he was smiling was because he tried concealing his anger. But with each passing second, no such luck.

"Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions?" Cooper stated. Then, when he spoke again, he shouted as if he was passing a kidney stone; face red with anger and vocal cords raging. "_**WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"**_

Murray then walked pass Cooper as he spoke.

"It was like fate." Murray stated. "I walked in here to hang myself. And before I walked into the restroom, there it was; an Army recruiting station, and a hair salon."

Cooper was flabbergasted.

"So it was, join the army, hang yourself, _or get a freaking facial!" _

Murray grabbed Cooper's hand.

"No need for a facial; like a baby's bottom." Murray replied confident. "Feel my face." Murray then took Cooper's hand and dragged it across his pink face.

"MURRAY!" Cooper exclaimed. "You are the most-oh wow that is smooth."

"Yeah, I know." Murray replied

Cooper then took his hand violently away from Murray's face.

"Murray, you are the most idiotic person I know!"

* * *

_The thing about brain tumors, Is they can cause you to overreact and do stupid things._

_Murray's Brian is 80% tumor._

* * *

"The army is going to be great!" Murray exclaimed as he made eye contact with a few army officials that were walking out the door.

_Has he lost his mind? _Cooper thought. "No!" Cooper exclaimed.

"Yeah," Murray retorted.

"No,"

"Yeah,"

"No,"

"Yeah,"

"No, NO, **NO!"**

"Yeah, YEAH, **YEAH!" **Murray yelled. "My recruiter said, that I could be able to join the Army surf team." And with that, he smiled smug.

Cooper reacted with a sarcastic smile and grin. "Maybe they'll let you stay at the Army beach house; with the army _**BIKINI CORE!" **_

"You think?"

"**Murray!" **Cooper yelled. This time, he got right up in Murray's face. The hippo involuntarily flinched. "Do you even now what the Army is? You're going to wake up _really _early, by some dude, with a buzz cut. And he's going to be pointing at ya, and screaming at ya. Is that what you want? Huh? Is it?"

"No," Murray replied timidly, frighten by Cooper's emotions.

"I can't hear you?" Cooper imitated, while poking Murray's chest.

Murray, suddenly felt a strong burst of bravery shoot through his system.

"Well, maybe you should get your ears checked man CAUSE I'M RIGHT HERE!" The hippo shouted.

Cooper shook his head with disappointment. _God, Murray's stupid._ Cooper now tried a less angry approach, for being angry didn't work. He cooled his emotions, and explained the situation to Murray calmly.

"Murray," Cooper calmly whined. "The Army is about regiment, and discipline. The place is going to chew you up and spit you out."

Murray, while Sly was talking, tried passing Cooper. But when Cooper talked about the Army chewing him up, Murray gasped; shocked for sudden realization of why Cooper was so worried about him joining the army. When he spoke to Cooper, he pointed at the ringtail, with his eyes blaring wide with surprise.

"You don't have any faith in me at all do you?" Murray stated.

_Bam. _That was a shot straight to the gut. Murray nailed it right on the head. Cooper did not have faith in Murray. Knowing Murray meant he knew that couldn't handle moments of stress or anxiety. And Boot camp was surly a stress factory. What Murray didn't know, was that Cooper worried for Murray, and while Murray was right about what he said, Sly couldn't just say "Yeah dude, you wouldn't last a day." That was just mean. So Cooper tried changing the subject.

"Look Murray," Sly stated. "You don't give your life up for a woman. You've got to get Linda out of your head. Don't think of her as Linda, Think of her as…as…." Sly then had trouble thinking of a good analogy to compare Linda to. But , As Sly pulled Murray to the side, he got one. "Think of her as really, really bad pot."

That got Murray's attention. The expression on the Hippo's face was that of deep thought.

"So If Linda is bad pot, I should sell her to my friend Chad across the street?"

Sly hung his head low in defeat. Then, he brought his head back up and pointed.

"Murray!" Sly yelled. "You don't let a women run your life!"

Suddenly, Murray's cell phone rang.

"If that's Linda then I want to talk to her." Sly stated.

Murray reached for his belt and picked up his cell phone. When he placed it too his ear, he immediately recognized who it was on the other end.

"Hi Carmelita."

Sly's eyes grew wide with fear. He knew that Carmelita was ready to chew him out. Both Carmelita and Sly lost one of their cars due to mechanical failures. The last they head of their car, was that it was still in the shop. So Sly, when he got Murray's note, accidently made the fatal mistake of taking Carmelita's car. And Under an incredible set of unlucky and unfortunate circumstances, he wrecked the car backing out, leaving Carmelita to take the bus. Today was the day that Carmelita was picking out the bridesmaids' dresses. Cooper knew he was in big trouble. So, Looking at Murray, he swiped his fingers across his neck; the universal symbol for cut. And he shook his head. He wanted Murray to tell Carmelita on the phone the he was not here. Unfortunately, Murray couldn't come up with a good excuse.

"uh…Yeah. But he can't talk right now because he's…shaking his head too much?"

Sly hung his head low in defeat. He grabbed Murray's cell phone and prepared to get his ass kicked over the phone. The first rule in a debate was to establish who was in charge, and Sly, under the influence of stress and utter arrogance, thought he was in charge.

He picked up the phone fiercely.

"Honey," he stated strongly. " I can't talk right now this is an emergency.'

Although Murray couldn't hear Carmelita's reaction over the phone, Sly's reaction to whatever she said was enough to know that it was bad. Sly's eyes widen, and he turned away from Murray. Murray crept closer to Sly to hear what the Raccoon was saying over the phone to the lovely wife to be. Sly's voice was all lovey dovey.

"But I thought they were open till six." Cooper replied. Again, Murray could hear more incoherent yapping on his phone. Sly then said something, which apparently, was wrong. "Just bring the dresses down here and I'll decide the dress." Sly immediately winced and brought the phone away from his hear, as the incoherent yelling raised its volume level tenfold. Murray couldn't exactly tell what Carmelita was yelling about, but every once in a while, Murray could pick out the words "Asshole," and "Fucking Moron."

Sly said timidly "I love you." Before closing the phone. When he turned around to give the phone to Murray, Sly notice that Murray was not in his normal composure. Murray's arms were crossed, and his face was painted with a smug grin.

"Hey Cooper, 'You don't let a woman run your life?'"

* * *

_Carmelita is not just a woman. I'm getting married to Carmelita, and that is totally different. She is my fiancé and soon to be wife, so I let her run my life. Studies show that relationships that last the longest, are the ones where the man gives up and lets the women win. _

_Also (and I really hope no one is reading my diary) Carmelita smells like cookies. :) :)_

* * *

While Cooper and Murray where in the mist of their argument, Sly heard a noise. It was a noise that he had grown use to hearing but it always struck him as odd. And whenever you heard this noise, you were either filled with happiness, or utter annoyance. It was the metallic clanking of Bentley's legs. When Sly was in prison, Bentley get Leg replacement surgery. Someone was actually willing to give their legs for Bentley. No one in the Cooper gang knows who this someone is, but whoever he or she is, God bless them for giving Bentley back his legs.

However, Bentley still couldn't actually walk. He had legs, but he couldn't walk without the support of two metal rods on each side of his leg. Basically, it was exactly like Forrest Grub Worm. Bentley was still kind of clumsy with his new legs.

This probably explains why Bentley tripped over the ledge of the door, causing him to slam on the floor; Making Murray and Cooper turn their heads.

Benltey looked up, and immediately spotted Murray's pink face.

"Murray!" he exclaimed happily; getting off the floor and embracing Murray in a deep hug. "Oh thank God you're not dead."

"I'm okay," Murray exclaimed. "Relax."

Instead of being happy, for some reason, Bentley was surprised.

"Aren't you killing yourself?" The Turtle asked.

"No."

Then, Bentley got mad. His face got so red that all of his green and scaly features disappeared.

"I RAN THROUGH 4 RED LIGHTS TO GET DOWN HERE AND NOW I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT GUILT THE REST OF MY LIFE!" The turtle shouted.

"Whoa Bentley," Cooper stated. "Deep breath."

Bentley complied, and started breathing deeply.

At that moment, the door opened again. The thud of the footsteps hitting the Floor made Cooper immediately recognized that whoever was walking towards them was in heels. He looked towards the door way, and noticed Linda Dog, the one who started it all, approaching Murray. The Asian Terrier looked as if though she had her hair pulled out in stress.

"Murray?" Linda proclaimed. Sly and Bentley took seats to watch the human romantic drama unfold before them.

Once Linda Got in front of Murray, the Hippo replied with a great huff, and turned his head away.

"Murray?" The Asian Terrier replied.

This time, Murray only made eye contact long enough, to say "Hello Linda," Very rudely before turning his head again and walking away. Linda stopped him.

"Murray?" She asked. "How could you think I was dumping you?"

Murray then made eye contact, but his eyes were now bloodshot with tears, and in his left hand was an envelope.

"Cause I found this, "Dear John", Letter in your panty drawer!" Murray screamed.

Linda, the Asian terrier, Cocked her eyebrow.

"Dear John?"

"Yeah, like off the movies!"

"No, No, No," Linda replied disappointed. "It's not a letter to you written as a 'Dear John,' Letter. It's a letter to my ex-boyfriend."

Murray was now the one cocking the eyebrow.

"You know, John. That's why it's written as John. Did it ever occur to you that I was writing to a person actually named John?"

"Oh," Murray proclaimed at the sudden realization. Linda grabbed the letter and placed it in her Asian silk purse.

"And why were you in my Panty Drawer?" Linda Asked.

"Well, you know," was about the only explanation Murray could provide. After giving Linda a small kiss, he shouted "Yes! Linda isn't breaking up with me. See Cooper, Linda is not like bad Pot."

Linda turned her head towards Cooper, shocked at what she just heard. Sly was about as surprised as well, but Cooper could expect anything less from Murray. Even if Cooper did actually say it, and didn't mean it, Murray was going to turn it around and put the blame on him. Sly had a gaping hole in his mouth from the sudden surprise.

"I like Linda." Cooper lied.

"He said nobody likes you," Murray told Linda. "He told me, to sell you, to my friend Chad across the street."

Now Linda was staring at Cooper with complete anger. The wrath of her death star had so much power that it almost shot Cooper off the bus stop chair. Cooper, knew that if he said no, then it would make him look guilty. So he tried coming up with a different approached, which turned out _not _to work in the Raccoons favor.

"Chad couldn't afford you," Cooper exclaimed. Cooper then winched realizing how stupid that sounded.

* * *

_Never take sides in a break up. You tell your best friend his ex is a cheap whore, and then they get back together, and then you have to go down to the mall and get her a "I'm sorry a called you cheap whore" Card._

_They run like 5 bucks now._

_Because they know they got ya._

* * *

"Let's cut Cooper out of our lives together." Linda said smiling at Murray.

"Cooper who?" Murray sarcastically asked.

Both the Asian and the hippo laughed, holding each other in their arms, before deciding to walk towards the door.

Then, a light bulb went off in Cooper's head. He suddenly realized that Murray had dug himself a hole and couldn't get out. So Sly, Being really smug shouted, "Oh Murray!"

Murray shot his girlfriend a sarcastically annoyed stare. Then he turned to Cooper.

"What?" Murray asked.

Cooper only replied, but pointing and the recruitment office, and whistling the battle hymn of the republic.

When Murray turned his head towards the door, his whole world came crashing down.

"OH MY GOD!" Murray screamed. "WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

Sly stood up from the chair, and saluted Murray, all the while, sarcastically smiling.

"Well, Surf's up Captain," Cooper stated. "See you in 4 years." And with that, Sly started walking towards the exit.

"NO, WAIT!" Murray pleaded. "PLEASE KICK ME OUT OF THE ARMY!"

"The What!" Bentley shouted.

The Asian Terrier, Linda, was frantic.

"The Army? You mean we'll never be together again?" Linda said almost crying.

"Cooper?" Murray pleaded. "You have to help me."

Sly, kept his head away from Murray at all times. When the ringtail replied, he was smug, sarcastic, and malicious all rolled into one. Crossing his arms, Cooper sarcastically said.

"Is that, is that the wind?" Cooper stated sarcastic. "It almost sounds like a glimpse from the other side. I remember when Murray use to beg me like that."

Murray brought both of his hands in a begging formation. Sly continued to look away.

"He used to get on his knees," the ringtail continued.

Murray got down on one knee.

"Both Knees."

Murray got down on both knees.

Cooper, then turned around, and stared Murray directly in the eyes.

"And he use to sing that 'Cooper is great 'Song."

Cooper knew that he had Murray in a Pickle. There was no such thing as a 'Cooper is great' song. (However, in Sly's opinion there should be.) Surprisingly enough though, Murray came up with a song on the spot, and it was rather catchy. The song went like this.

"Cooper is great. He's really, really great. I really can't believe….. How great he can be."

Cooper was satisfied with Murray's obedience. However, Cooper was not going to oblige. The Raccoon helped his best friend out and Murray turned on him in an instant? No way. Before he could leave, Linda, the Asian Terrier, grabbed Sly.

"Cooper, I'm Asian, as you are well aware of. So, if you help Murray out of the army, I will no longer thing of you as the white devil that killed my grandparents on Hiroshima."

Cooper cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay, well I guess I'll help you guys out." Sly stated.

"Sly," Bentley said. "How the hell are you going to get Murray out of the _army?" _

Sly started popping his fingers and his neck.

"Well, Bentley." Cooper said smug. "These recruiter guys, are just salesmen. So all I have to do is un-sale Murray. " Then Sly smiled. "And All I have to do is tell them how bad the Army would be with Murray in it."

Immediately, the whole group burst out with laughter.

* * *

_Worst case scenario #1: Murray end's up stripping down to his underwear, tying his white shirt to a stick, and then waving it as a surrender flag shouting "We give up!" _

_Worst case scenario #2: Murray gets a gun and accidently destroys half the place in a fiery blaze of stupidity and bullets. _

_Worst case scenario #3: Murray gets suicidal again, finds the place where they launch nukes, and points a gun at the official, yelling at him to "turn the key." Thus, starting a nuclear war that kills everyone._

_I'm just saying_

_It's a worst case scenario. MURRAY! (if you ever somehow get your hands on this.) _

* * *

After two minutes in the recruiting office, Sly was brought out by two giant men in military uniforms. The raccoon was kicking and screaming, while the main recruiter walked out in front of everybody, and started chewing out Cooper.

In an extraordinary weird an unusual coincidence, the recruiter just so happened to be, one of the Cooper gang's most feared enemies. This man was big, mean, tall, and buff. He also was a dog, and an original member of the Klaw Gang.

The recruiter just so happened to be; the one, and the only, Mugshot.

"Just who the hell do you think you are?" Mugshot replied gruff with a cigar in his fingers. He almost looked unrecognizable with a military uniform on. "Once I have a recruits name on paper his ass belongs to me, whether I like it or not. So it is my job to keep this unlucky son of a bitch until the bus arrives to pick him up. Now listen to me you pest, you get your Coon hair but out of my Face!"

And with that, Mug shot went back into the office.

At first, Sly was astounded. But after a while, Sly immediately got angry. Looking at his friends, Cooper then walked back into the office; a trail of fire following him. When he got in the office, the gang could faintly hear, "Hey, Mr. Bus station solider."

Two seconds later, Cooper was hulled out of the office through the glass window; glass was everywhere, and when Cooper fell to the Floor, everyone could hear the pained moan.

* * *

_And I thought, "Well, it looks like this is how it all ends; Murray with a gun telling a man to turn the key that will kill us all."_

* * *

As Murray helped Cooper off the heaping mess of glass on the Floor, The Ringtail started feeling really woozy. However, the Raccoon found that to be no excuse to still be fired up about getting Murray out of the Army.

"Hey Next time," Sly shouted. "I'm not going to be so nice!"

Linda squealed, causing Murray to drop Sly, Causing Sly to emit a small "Ow,"

"Run, Baby, Run!" Linda screamed. Murray immediately ran towards the door; only to have it be blocked to two bigger military guards, occupying it.

"You think you're the first rabbit to run home to fort Momma's house?" Mugshot told Murray. Then, the big bull dog looked down at Sly, who was trying to get off the floor. "Maybe Sly should join the air force, because he's already learned how to fly."

"Yeah?" Cooper shouted. "We'll maybe you should….."

Cooper stopped. He noticed that Mugshot had his fist drawn back. If anyone knew the legend of Mugshot, they were aware of the countless hours that the bull dog worked out each day. His muscles were ripe and he was known for killing a man with his bear fist. So Sly, Immediately felt fear, even though he took on Mugshot before, and scurried back.

"Do what?" Mugshot asked burning with anger.

"Learn how to operate a door better." Cooper replied quickly with fear. "I'm not paying for that window."

Linda, The Asian Terrier, had about enough of this nonsense. She already got Murray back under her arms, and now these assholes were trying to take away her babe. She wasn't going to have it like that. She stepped in front of Mugshot, with her eyes blazing with rage.

"You got two choices." She told Mugshot sternly. "Either you let my baby go, or you _bleed!" _

A strange silence covered the bus station.

Then, Mugshot started laughing so hard that tears fell down his face. His laughing caused his purple face to turn bright red. He pointed and laughed at Linda, before telling the guards to take her away.

As the Guards dragged the kicking and screaming Linda out the Door, she shouted, "I COME FROM THE LAND OF SILENT ASSIANS!"

"Yeah, she's from Oakland." Sly Cheered.

Murray tried to follow his love out the door, but as soon as the hippo reached the exit, it was blocked again by even bigger guards. After a few minutes of pleading and struggling, Murray gave up. He sulked towards Sly, before telling the Ringtail…

"Sly, I would like to kill myself again. May I please have the note?"

Sly looked at Murray; cross.

"Hold that thought." Sly told Murray, as if to say _never you idiot. _Sly was about to walk up to the guards and talk to them again. And by talk, he meant beat them over the head with his cane. But before he even took a step, the oddest thing happened.

Bentley, off all people, told Sly to stand down. The turtle proclaimed that he was going to handle the situation.

This was going to be very interesting to watch.

Bentley gained his composure before marching towards Mugshot. After he got a few paces closer to the giant bull dog, Bentley saluted the man, and stated in military tone, "Sergeant Mugshot; Bentley; friend of the enlistee. Permission to speak at ease Sir?"

Mugshot grew an amused smile.

"Well, Bentley. You didn't tell me you had a leather neck for a buddy."

"Well, I spent some time in the sun without a scarf." Bentley stated.

"No," Mugshot stated, trying to conceal his laughter, and acting his best to act like he was interested. "You're like Spun Steal. A Navy Seal? What branch were you in?"

"I wasn't really in the service." Bentley replied.

"Would you like to be a part of the greatest team in history?"

"You mean the original cast of Hairspray!" Bentley replied like a Girl.

Mugshot lost all of his ability to conceal his laughter. He roared with laughter, and his stomached moved as if an alien creature lived inside him. This would go down in Mugshot's recorded book as the funniest damn thing to happen in his life, next to the Maloney whack job he pulled with a few of his buddies back when he still worked for Klaw.

When Mugshot got off the Floor, and wiped away the tear of hilarity from his eye, he was greeted by Sly.

"So far you sound reasonable." Sly told the dog. Then he pulled the giant sergeant to the side. Sly reached into his pocket, and pulled out money. "Take the money and let Murray out, Please?" Sly felt like a total whore for begging.

"Okay," Mugshot stated as he took the dough.

At first Sly was surprised. He thought that Murray was free. He almost jumped and cheered. Then, he heard Mugshot.

"Bus leaves in 1 hour." Mugshot told Murray.

"Wait a minute!" Sly shouted. Mugshot turned his head. "I gave you 50 bucks!" Sly proclaimed.

"You sure did." Mugshot replied sarcastically. "I still don't know why, but it's in my pocket."

"Hold up Jarhead!" Sly pestered angry.

"That's Marines!" Mugshot said stern.

"Well what do they call you guys?" Sly said sarcastically.

"WHAT DO THEY CALL US?" Mugshot shouted. "They call us Patriots; hero's of the free; the people who die so that other's will live."

"Well, yeah you….."

Again, Mugshot had his hand balled up into a fist.

"…..Patriot." Sly said a bit more fearful than last time. Sly was now in a hole of shit and he didn't have a shovel. As Mugshot stared at Cooper, Sly ran through all of the Idea's the raccoon could come up with at the time. And although it pained him to do this, (mainly because he hated this individual,) he realized that there was only one man that could Scare Sly more than Mugshot, or Clockwerk, or Neyla, or even Dr.M

And that man would soon be Cooper's father-in-law.

"I'm getting Ken Fox."

* * *

_The U.S Military is one the finest fighting forces on the planet. In Vietnam alone, they killed three million North Vietnamese soldiers, 100,000 Cambodians, and 150 Lay oceans. And 13 Russians._

_One time, when Carmelita was 15 and she went to prom, Ken Fox rescued her from a man slut. _

* * *

Ken Fox had changed a bit physically. Since Cooper was in the bullpen, Ken had gained a little weight. He wasn't as skinny as he use to be, yet he wasn't fat. Thank Bow flex for giving Ken a driving edge in picking up new chicks' .Ken Fox hadn't change mentally. He was still the little old horn dog that he was. So when he entered the bus station, and saw a beautiful tiger mistress pass his eyes, Ken couldn't help but say out loud,

"Now Boarding Ken Fox."

The Fox, and father of Carmelita, then made eye contact with his Son-in-law, to be.

"Ken!" Cooper shouted.

Ken started walking quicker towards Sly.

"Ken!" Sly announced. "You're not going to believe this."

"Shoot," Ken state; annoyed that he was using his precious time he could use to score on chick, and instead was listening to Sly whine.

"I get a suicide not from Murray, and I run to the bus station to stop him, only to find out that Maury joined the Army. So I tried to get him out, and then I was thrown through the window by a recruiter!"

"Well, where's the guy?" Ken asked Sly.

Sly pointed towards Mugshot, who was currently in the smoking section, sucking on his Cuban cigar. Ken walked towards the bull dog powerfully.

"Hey," Ken shouted; grabbing Mugshot's attention. "How could you trick my son-in-law's best friend into joining the army?"

"I told the hippo that he could be all he could be."

At first, a strange silence filled the atmosphere.

Then the silence was broken by Ken's hysterical laughter.

"I'm taking you to a strip club and buying you a beer!" Ken proclaimed to Mugshot.

"WHAT!" Cooper screamed.

"Listen," Ken explained to Sly. "The Army is perfect for Murray. It will teach him some responsibility."

"DON'T YOU GET IT KEN?" Sly shouted. "THIS IS MAURY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! GIVE HIM A GUN, BOOM; MUSHROOM CLOUD!"

"He'll be fine." Ken stated. "Besides, a mushroom cloud should be the least of your worries."

"Well, what is?" Sly asked.

The raccoon's answer came in a fiery Latin voice that sent shivers up his spine and fear into his system.

"_**YOU ARE A DEAD MAN!" **_Carmelita screamed.

Sly involuntarily turned around. Carmelita looked like a mess. In both of her hands, she held two different types of bride's maids dresses; one yellow, one pink. Her hair, usually let all the way down, was put in a bushy bon. Unfortunately, due to her stress, one strand of hair was farther away from the others and stuck straight out. She breathed heavily, and she looked like she was about to tear into the souls of the unworthy. Sly almost soiled himself, because he knew that Carmelita was only talking to one person; him.

"_**I AM MARRYING A DEAD MAN!" **_She proclaimed with anger.

Cooper tried saving himself.

"Well, I-I-I-I been in this bus station for over an hour…..uh…..waiting….for…um…._you to show me dresses. Where the hell you've been?" _Sly proclaimed somewhere between the emotion of fear, and delight.

Mugshot walked over to Maury. "Glad that you are aboard. The bus leaves in 5 minutes. Say your goodbyes. Welcome to the Army."

"Sir Yes Sir, thank you Sir Sir." Maury replied.

"Maury," Ken said.

"Sir," Maury replied.

Ken looked at Maury for a long time. The truth was, Maury almost seemed like a son to him. Ken would look at Maury and see a bit of himself in the fat, dumb, and lazy hippo. But the problem with Ken was, some moments he'd be passionate. And then, at moments like these, Ken would go back to being his asshole self.

"I'm not god at saying goodbyes," Ken proclaimed. "So…." And with that, Ken left the bus station.

"Cooper," Carmelita continued. "How dare you make me drag these beautiful bridesmaids' dresses here to this filthy bus station?"

"You don't know what I've been dealing with here." Sly proclaimed. "Maury joined the Army. They're going to give him grenades, and guns, and explosive stuff."

"And a matching hat." Maury stated confident.

"SEE?" Cooper shouted frantic. "WE'RE ALL DOOMED!"

Carmelita cocked an eyebrow. Then she went over to Maury and stood beside the Pink hippo. "Sly," she stated. "The army is _perfect _for Maury. It'll teach him to grow up and be mature."

"But," Sly said. Then he was interrupted by Bentley.

"No, Sly." Bentley said. "I think Carmelita's right. Maury needs some structure and direction in his life."

"But,"

"Yeah," Maury stated. "I don't even get out of bed till noon; Sly, I think I need this. At first I was just as afraid as you, but maybe the army is the thing that will get me in tip top shape."

"MUSHROOM CLOUD!" Cooper proclaimed.

"I might not even blow up a thing." Maury announced.

"What about Linda?" Cooper stated.

"From the way Ken was talking, he was proud of me. And no one has ever been proud of me before."

"I'm proud of you." Bentley said as he placed a hand on Maury's shoulder.

"So am I," Carmelita said.

Maury leaned in for a kiss.

"Not that proud." She stated while pushing Maury's face back.

* * *

_When multiple people are fighting against you for the same thing, maybe it's time for you to shut up and let them talk. _

_And while they're using their time to explain their point of view to you, you should use that time to find out how to do what you want to do behind their backs._

_But really, really, really look like you're listening._

* * *

Sly started shaking his head, up and down, and started humming to himself. To the gang, it looked like Sly Cooper was starting to take them at their word. And that was exactly how Sly was trying to portray himself. Besides, any master thieve knows to never take anyone's advice, but to create your own.

"You know what," Sly acted, "You're right. The army would be perfect for Maury. Why didn't I see this before?"

"Yay!" Carmelita proclaimed cheery. Then, she became very cranky, "_finally!" _she stated frustrated. She turned around to Cooper, and held up both of her bride's maids dresses. "Pick a color." She stated.

Cooper looked at both dresses for a long time. Then, he pointed to the dress on her left; the purple one.

"That one," Sly stated.

"Are you serious?" Carmelita said flabbergasted.

"Alright," Cooper stated. Then he pointed to the dress on her right; the yellow dress. "That one," he proclaimed.

"You've got to be freaking kidding me!" Carmelita said.

At first Cooper was confused. He picks both dresses and for both Carm's answer is no? Then he realized, that it wasn't about which dress _he _chose, it was about what dress _she wanted. _It was at this point that Cooper saw a way to use his tactics of flirtation to his advantage. He pushed both dresses out of the way, leaving Carmelita's chest unguarded. Sly stared at her chest for a long time, then, teasing her, he nuzzled his muzzle right between the valley of her breasts, causing his cold nose to touch the fur just above her heart.

"This one," he said.

Carmelita reacted immediately. Her cheeks flushed red and she pushed Sly back, laughing nervously.

"Okay," she said laughing. "Two good decisions in one day." Then she grabbed Sly's cheek. "I'm so proud of you." Then, Carmelita told Sly she was heading home. Sly knew that he succeeded with the flirting tactic, because before Carmelita left, she patted Sly on the butt, and whispered in his ear, "See you in the bedroom."

Now that the whole Carmelita problem was out of the way, Sly was back to square one. What to do with Maury?

As if on cue, Mugshot came out of his office, with a folder in his hand, and walked up to Maury.

"Say your goodbyes, fatty. Does that name bother you?" Mugshot asked.

"No sir," Maury replied.

"We'll find one that does." Mugshot replied, taking Maury under his arm and leading him towards the bus. Then, Sly hear a thud. From Mugshot's person, a giant book fell from him. Sly immediately recognized it as the manual. He decided to flip it open to a random page, and it was as if God were speaking to Sly that day.

* * *

_The page I turned to was section 2-B of the regular Army enlistment program. It said that the applicant would be tested for the prescience of alcohol and drugs. If the applicant's results are positive, they will be discharged._

_During the whole day, I notice there was this one homeless dude around the bus station. He was following us around, and even started dancing to that "Cooper is great" song. But when I flipped to that page, I suddenly remembered about that crippled homeless dude. Then, it hit me._

_He must've had drugs._

* * *

"Two hundred dollars for one joint!" Cooper exclaimed to the crippled homeless dude.

"The bus leaves in two minutes." The homeless dude told Sly. "Do you have any other Idea's?"

"Fine," Cooper exclaimed, paying the dude. "But I just want you to know that I hope something really bad happens to….."

It was at this point, that Cooper realized that he was talking to a man that was homeless, lost both of his legs, was moving around in what looked like a Red Flyer wagon, and probably was an alcoholic. So, just saying "yeah," Cooper walked off with the weed in his hand, ready to deploy his last ditch effort to save Maury. He took the pink hippo that was standing near the sliding glass doors, and pulled him to the side.

"Maury," he told him in a whispering tone.

"Yeah dude," Maury brighten.

"I wanted to give you a gift."

"Listen Sly, You've given me enough already I don't need anything more. You've given me the support I need.

"Listen. I really want you to have this. "

"I really couldn't. After everything that I've put you through man, I don't need whatever you have."

Sly got closer to Maury he opened up the palm of his hand. Sly made sure to whisper so low that not even the Fly's on the wall could hear them. He made it so Maury looked straight down to the palm of his hand, and very softly, Cooper whispered.

"Maury. It's marijuana."

Maury's face brightened as if he were a child and it was Christmas morning.

"POT! YOU'RE GIVING ME POT!" He yelled with Joy.

Cooper immediately told Maury to hush up. But Maury didn't listen, and as far as Sly was concerned, he didn't care.

"Oh, man!" Maury exclaimed. "You are the best friend ever."

Cooper pulled Maury into a hug. And while the Raccoon was close up to the Hippo's ear, Sly made sure to get the point across very clearly.

"Please Maury, whatever you do, Please smoke your weed on the bus."

Check and mate. There was no way Maury would stay in the Army.

* * *

_Sometimes, to help the one you love, you have to commit a crime. You have to get involved in their lives even though they don't want you to. You have to put yourself out there. Sometimes, to help the one you love, you have to make sure they get tossed off a moving bus and have to walk back from Troyes France, which is about 20-100 miles away from Paris. _

_Hey, Maury sighed up for a job where he was required to march._

* * *

**And this chapter is done. Whoa. This is a very long chapter. I knew that I threw a bit of a curveball throwing in Mugshot. But he was one of my all time favorite characters from the game so I had to give him so face time. **

**Again, if you read the last chapter, Forrest Grub Worm=Forrest Gump.**

**I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. More to come. Give me 32 reviews and I'll begin working on the next chapter. Don't forget to tell me your favorite part of this chapter. It really helps me when writing.**

**Bye, and thanks for reading. **

**Review please.**


	6. Bentley's not Gay? is he?

**I'm back with another chapter for **_**diary of a thieve. **_**I'm sorry for the long week. These past few weeks, I've been finishing up rock camp, preparing for school, and attending softball practice. I have a video of me and my friends from rock camp performing one of our songs at rock camp on my YouTube page. Just click my author's page and there should be a link to my YouTube page there. If you like the video a lot, please post comments and share with as many people as possible. More videos from camp will soon follow, along with new chapters to this story.**

**And I know that the title of the chapter sounds like it's going to be a strange anti-Bentley chapter. I assure you it isn't. Bentley is one of my favorite characters from the series and this chapter sort of praises him, (in a strange way.)**

**As always, here's a chapter key. **

**Burt Rhinoceros: Burt Reynolds.**

**Speciesist: racist. (Since there really are no races of animals, just species of animals.)**

**And the Matthew Sheppard incident, for those of you who don't know, was an actual incident that was on the news for a while.**

**And the thing about the open heart surgery, true story as well.**

**I really hope that you enjoy this story. **

* * *

**Prolouge.**

_Everybody is a specieist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same. Because deep down inside, we only like people that are exactly like us. Raccoons like Raccoons; Turtles like Turtles, Hippo's like Hippo's and Foxes like Foxes. Doesn't matter what kind of species you are. Bird, Frog, Lizards,_

_Lizards are the worst; all puffy collard and so full of themselves. I hate Dmitri. _

_It don't matter who you are, you like your species and dislike the rest._

_But you've got to look past your differences. I've learned that at the museum of tolerance._

_Because what if one day, you fall in love with a Fox? Or what if one day, your sister marries a dog? Or what if your brother's best friend is a lizard?_

_And it even goes beyond just certain species._

_What if you have a daughter and she's gay, or what if you son marries a girl with hub cap size facial moles?_

_See what I mean; you never know what life's going to throw at you. So no matter how much you think your species is the best you have to see past that._

_Here's a new one. What if your best friend of 25 years, that's a turtle, winds up in a bar and thinks he's gay? What do you do then? What do you do?_

_Please if anyone reads this please answer me. What do you do? The last time I've dealt with a situation like this, this is how it went down._

* * *

it's part of our everyday society to think it's out of the ordinary to see a man and his wife, still in bride and groom clothes, to walk into a bar with a hippo holding a camera bag, but that's exactly what was happening in the French bar _le mu devour._ (Translation; lots to eat.)

Sly Cooper and Carmelita were currently experiencing their wedding day. Murray was there to capture the moment on film. But the couple never even got to the reception. They got to the part where Sly kissed his bride, when both of them realized something. Bentley was nowhere to be seen. Nowhere. There was not one sighting of that little green genius anywhere during the wedding. After Sly and his bride walked together out of the isle, they began calling numbers; trying to find out where their little buddy went. Murray decided to tag along for Bentley was much as an importance for the hippo just as he was for Sly and Carmelita.

Then, after a half an hour of calling places, Cooper got a text message from another long time friend from the orphanage by the name of 'Chad.' Chad was a fruit bat furry that use to be tight buddies with Cooper back at the orphanage. After Cooper devoted himself to a life of crime, him and Chad were not as tight. So it was very strange to be receiving a text message from him. So Sly looked at it, this is what it said.

"Hey man, its Chad. I heard u were looking 4 your turtle buddy. Well, I've found him. & he is hammered. He is totally ruining the cooper name. Come get him, quick!"

Cooper, his bride, Murray, and Dmitri rushed out of the house. Cooper and Carmelita didn't even bother to change out of their wedding gear. There was no time. They Found Bentley.

When Cooper ran into the bar, wearing his extravagant tux, the first face that he saw was Chad's.

"Hey Chad!" Cooper exclaimed as he held out his hand for a high five.

"Hey Cooper!" Chad stated as he held out his wing and they high fived each other. "Dude, what's with the tux?"

Cooper pointed back at Carmelita, who was still wearing her beautiful white lacy sleeveless wedding gown. "I just got hitched." Cooper told Chad.

"Congrats," Chad replied as he guzzled down his martini.

"You said you saw our friend." Murray asked Chad from behind Carmelita.

"Yeah," Chad replied, lifting his wing and pointing towards the juke box. "He's over there embarrassing your hot rod shop."

Cooper turned to look at the juke box. He was somewhat surprised by what he saw. He knew that Bentley was hammered, and when Bentley was drunk he did stupid things, but this took the cake. Bentley was currently holding on to a pool stick, pretending it was a microphone. And he was shouting out the lyrics to "Don't you forget about me," from the Breakfast Club soundtrack. He wore the 'Cooper high performance' leather jacket. And on top of that, due to the leg braces that supported his newly transplanted legs, he was flopping all over the place like a dead fish.

Cooper was furious. He marched towards the drunken Bentley. Carmelita and Murray tagged along.

"DON'T YOU…..FORGET ABOUT ME!" Bentley screamed. Then immediately off tune and off the lyrics; "HEY COOPER!" he shouted.

Cooper replied with a slap to the back of Bentley's head.

"ow!" Bentley stated as he rubbed the back of his head. "What was that for?"

Cooper leaned forward and whispered harshly.

"If you're going to be drunk in public please take off the _jacket!_"

Bentley complied and removed the leather Jacket. Carmelita took in for him and laid it on the juke box. That's when everyone realized that they were being watched by a large group of people. It's not every day you see a newly wedded couple, and pink hippo, and a drunken turtle in a bar. Cooper turned towards the crowd and addressed them.

"This man is not affiliated with 'cooper high performance.'" He told everyone while pointing at Bentley. When he turned around, Bentley had fully removed the leather jacket.

"Just what do you think you are doing?" Murray told the turtle.

"Yeah," Carmelita replied. "What's up? It's not every day that you get hammered. Hell, you don't even _like _to drink. What's going on?"

"Guy's" Bentley told them. "I know all about myself now, and the truth is painful."

Cooper cocked an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" the ring tail asked.

"I've just found out why I'm so different from the rest of you guys." The turtle replied. "You know how I don't like football or monster trucks or war video games? You know how I have fine taste in clothing and in home renovating? You know how I like show tunes and Wizard of Oz and Parades?"

Carmelita's eyes widen to the size of saucers. Her mouth and everyone else's mouth in the room gapped open in surprise. "OH…..MY…GAWD!" Carmelita exclaimed in a way that almost sounded excited. She yelled it as if to say to Cooper, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking."

And The Raccoon defiantly had a picture in mind. Bentley always seemed like the odd one out of the group. He always acted a bit 'fruity' if you will. And lately, both the turtle and Penelope broke up for some odd reason. Cooper tensed himself. He did not want to hear what Bentley was about to say. For he feared, that the words Bentley would exclaim would be "cooper, I'm gay."

"I don't want to hear this." Cooper replied and walked away. Cooper never wanted his image of Bentley to be shattered.

But Bentley was persistent.

"And you know how I like fabric softeners, and magicians, and mimes."

"Mimes!" Cooper exclaimed. "Good. Look at me, I'm in a box and I can't hear you."

"And you know how I like fine clothes and the rainbow?"

"LA LA LA LA LA. I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Cooper screamed as he put both fingers in his ears and started jumping up and down.

By this point, Bentley was downright frustrated.

"Cooper!" The turtle screamed. "You are my best friend and I have to tell you this. I promise you this won't change a thing. I just found out today that…"

Cooper looked towards the ground, and braced himself. _Here it comes _he thought.

But them Bentley said words that no one was expecting to hear.

"Cooper…I just found out that my biological father was gay."

Cooper looked up in surprise. His eyes were laced with confusion, and so were Carmelita and Murrays eyes for that matter. Bit by bit, the information they received resonated in their brains, and they were not surprised. When Cooper was in Jail, Bentley discovered his biological dad. When Cooper got out of Jail, he got to meet the man personally. And honestly, he was not surprised. There was always something very off with Bentley's dad (Joseph.) the man always wore multi colored shirts and ascots. And on top of that, when Cooper met Frank, the man was eyeballing him like he was the president or something.

So when Bentley declared that it was Joseph who was gay, a wave of relief swept over Cooper. The Raccoon laughed and placed his hands on Bentley's shoulders.

And then he said it.

"Oh Thank God!" Cooper declared laughing. "For a minute I thought you were going to tell me that you were gay."

Bentley cocked an eyebrow.

'Wait." Bentley exclaimed. "You think that…._I'm gay._"

That's when it hit Cooper. He stopped dead in his tracks. When he spoke, he tried sounding like he was telling the truth, but it didn't work.

"No." Cooper stated stuttering.

"No," Murray replied gawking.

"Absolutely not," Carmelita stated a bit over the top.

They had placed a fake smile across their face, but even with the smiles, Bentley could tell they weren't telling the truth.

"_You think that I'm Gay?" _Bentley stated this time more out of realization.

Cooper and the gang tried laughing and keeping their heads high. But As Bentley starred back at them, they hung their heads low. They couldn't lie to their best friends. They didn't believe he was full time gay, but there was something a bit fruity about him at all times. They braced themselves for Bentley to either A.) Unleash his wrath. Or B.) to walk away amazed at his best friends.

Then Bentley did something that was out of the ordinary indeed.

He laughed.

* * *

**Chapter six: Bentley's **_**not **_**gay. Is he?**

The gang was now currently seated around a bar table; each with a drink in their hands. At first, it was sort of hard for Carmelita to sit on a bar chair with a wedding gown on, but after a few good minutes, she finally was seated. They drank as they looked towards Bentley. The turtle was laughing both out of surprise and humor at his friends _theories. _

"I mean what on God's green earth would make you think I'm gay!" Bentley laughed.

"Well…" Cooper stated low in tone, before being interrupted by Bentley.

"I mean in what bizarre reality what make you think I'm even a tincy wincey bit gay."

As Cooper guzzled down his beer, he gave Bentley the cocked brow; as if to say. _Tincy wincey? Really? _

Carmelita also gave Bentley the stare. But Bentley acted as if nothing was wrong. Carmelita placed a hand on her boyfriends shoulder.

Bentley, unaware of the eyes that were upon him, drank his drink as well.

"That's one fabulous moijto."

This time everyone in Bentley's table gave him the stare. It's that stare that many people get when they are being accused of something they are unaware of. It's that stare that says, _seriously dude. Just look at yourself. _

As Bentley looked into everyone eyes and suddenly a deep residing gut winching feeling struck the pit of his stomach. Realization, as it were, was a horrible thing. Slowly, Bentley's face went from happy, to disgust.

"oh my god." Bentley said low. Cooper shook his head in the yes formation and began to drink.

It all came flowing back to Bentley. Every action that he ever did and every feeling he ever felt passed by his mind. Bentley was listing off each memory in his head as either gay or not gay. And the results, while surprising to the turtle himself, wouldn't be that surprising to the Cooper gang.

"Fabulous." Bentley said low tone as he kept thinking more and more about himself. "Mojito….tincy wincey."

Cooper was halfway through a sip of his beer, when Bentley yelled loudly as he stood….

"I'M A HOMO!"

Cooper did a literal spit take. Beer sprayed everywhere. Carmelita was a bit shocked by Bentley's reaction a well. Murray was a bit drunk by this point so he didn't even care. (He had already drunk two beers.)

"sit down." Cooper ordered the Turtle, as Bentley began to panic. "This is red neck territory. Have you lost your mind?"

The place did seem oddly redneck. Half the people in there had beards, wore Lynyrd Skynyrd tee shirts, sported oil stained ball caps, and had on boots. Most of their cars too, were high powered rusted big pickup truck with no mufflers and sprayed smoke everywhere. (One car was even painted like it was the general lee.) Not to mention that _le mu devour _was also a truck stop for international truckers.

Cooper turned to his audience, trying to find a reasonable explanation for Bentley's outburst.

"It's okay," he told everybody. "It's a new drinking game."

When the crowd turned around, and Cooper sat back in his seat, he thought that he had it all covered. But just then, as Cooper sat down Murray stood up from his seat and shouted. "I'm a homo!" then took a giant swig from his beer bottle.

Cooper smacked himself in the face out of embarrassment. Murray could be such an idiot some times.

"I don't get this game," Murray told the others.

Again, Sly Slapped himself in the face and drug his and across his face. After a few seconds of silence, Sly addressed Bentley again.

"Bentley," Sly said. "Just because your dad is gay doesn't mean that you're gay."

"Well," Carmelita stated. "When training for my criminal's psychology class, I've learned that there may be some possible connection."

"Oh my god!" Bentley declared.

"Honey," Sly told his wife. "I'm trying to save a man drowning in gay here. It doesn't seem like you're helping."

"Cooper." Bentley stated in sudden fear and enlightenment. "My biological dad is a 50 year old man that works with Verizon and just found out he was gay. It won't be long now before I'm buying bay beery candles and spooning some hairy guy named dirk. Who probably is a personal trainer, has no benefits and won't be able to support _ME!" _

Bentley then got up and walked away. He almost threw a hissy fit. Cooper got up from his table and tried to calm down the raging turtle who was trying to walk out the door.

"Bentley," Cooper said. "Dude you are not gay and I can prove it."

"Prove it then," Bentley stated. "Prove to me that I'm not gay."

There was an awkward silence that filled the room. The look of confusion and unknowingness was painted across everyone's face. The problem was, the Gang really couldn't find one thing in particular that made Bentley not gay. He did have a relationship with Penelope at one point, but after the road rage incident when the cooper gang was chased by a guy with a gun, Bentley and Penelope broke up. Bentley almost screamed.

"SEE! SEE! You guys can't pick one thing that proves am not gay! I mean look at me! See! I'm going Gay! Some One! PLEASE HELP ME FROM GOING GAY!"

And that's when Murray did the unthinkable. He gave Sly his 6th beer, (which Sly noticed was completely empty) he turned to face Bentley. Everyone within 3 yards of the hippo could smell the horrid smell of alcohol in his breath. And Bentley got the worst of it.

"I'll handle this." Murray stated in a drunken gibberish. The hippo then placed both of his hands on Bentley's shoulders, and looked at him dead in the eyes.

"What?" Bentley asked.

And that's when Murray did something so horrid, and so disgusting, that Cooper dropped the beer glass on the floor and it shattered into a million pieces.

Murray kissed Bentley.

He kissed the turtle so hard that the force pushed the turtle directly down on to the pool table. The Turtle was kicking and squirming under Murray's body. Sly Looked as if he were about to have a stroke. Carm's eyes looked as if they were about to launch out of her skull like missiles. But Murray had a swagger on him as if _liked it. _In actuality however, the swagger was made out of pure anger and drunken frustration.

Bentley was now still laying on the pool table, gagging so hard and wiping his mouth.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" the turtle screamed.

"Did you like it?" Murray asked Bentley.

"NO!"

"Then you're not _GAY! _Jesus Christ, quit your whining!" Murray replied in a drunken stupor.

Most of the gang didn't speak a word after the incident. They were in too much shock to really conceive what just happened. Finally, after a long, silent and awkward 2 minutes, Sly was the first to speak.

M-m-murray." Sly stuttered in utter shock. "You've got to quit smoking pot."

Murray then turned to Cooper, almost tripping over his own two feet. Then he said this.

"Listen," he said smiling smugly. "It's very simple. If Bentley isn't turned on by _me, _than he's not gay."

That's when it clicked in Bentley's head. He couldn't have been gay. If he was, than he would have liked it when being kissed by a dude. But he didn't, he was repulsed. So Bentley, Jumping off the Table with Joy, declared. "I'M NOT GAY!"

"See," Murray told Sly. "What did I tell you?" Then Murray got closer to Bentley. If he wasn't influenced by Alcohol, Murray at this point would've just straight up left. But at this point, he was only a few drinks away from passing out. So when Murray leaned in, this is what he said.

"Now, if you are still not sure there's at least two other things I can try."

Bentley's reaction was immediate.

"Oh God No!" Bentley screamed as he pushed away with his leg braces. He held his hand up with one finger; the universal symbol for 'no.' He took three large and quick steps away. "Thank you, I AM SO NOT GAY!" Bentley declared. Then, Bentley started whipping his mouth and spitting. "And you had chili for lunch."

While Bentley continued to spit and gag the left over chili from Murray's mouth, the hippo grew a smug grin and tapped Sly on the shoulder.

"Now let's see if Carmelita is gay." He suggested.

"Murray!" Sly warned him viciously.

Carmelita also heard Murray's suggestion and disapproved.

"Murray!" she growled with anger. "I'm married you prick!"

Murray then stopped and got the look on his face as if he were thinking.

"Your right." Murray stated. "I'm a dude and you're a chick." Then Murray shouted to everyone in the bar, "I need a lesbian and some grapes!"

Sly this time smacked him repeatedly on the fore head from shear embarrassment. He looked towards everyone in the bar again.

"It's another drinking game." Sly told everyone. Murray then picked up his beer.

"I'm a homo!" he declared as he took another long swig from his beer bottle. Sly had to control himself from slapping the shit out of Murray. Carmelita just hung her head low and shook it back in forth in disappointment. Now that she was married to Cooper, she was going to be visiting this moron a lot more often. She walked around Murray, trying not to trip over her wedding gown, and placed her hand on Bentley's shoulder.

"Bentley," she asked with concern. "What's going to happen to your dad now? Is he going to move out?"

"I don't care," Bentley growled as he walked over to a table. Once he slammed down on a chair, he stated "I'm never talking to my dad again."

"What!" Carmelita practically screamed. "What on earth are you talking about?"

Sly also heard what Bentley said and was shocked as well.

"Bentley," Sly told him. "How can you have a dad and not talk to him? I have dreams at night where I'd wish my dad was still alive and I'd at least get a couple more seconds with my father. The only thing I wanted was to be able to talk to my dad one more time. He was killed right in front of me and now I no longer have the privilege to speak to my dad. So how can you have a father and not talk to him. That's crazy talk."

"Yeah," Carmelita stated. "The bond between a father and his child is a sacred bond."

Murray choked on his own beer.

"Your father is Ken Fox right?" Murray asked.

"Duh," Carmelita replied with a cock in her brow.

"And _that's _a sacred bond?" Murray asked flabbergasted.

"Well it is." Carmelita stated.

"Yeah," Bentley replied sarcastically and snotty. "It's easy for you all to say that you still love your dads. But what if it were your dad Sly, or your dad Murray, or even your dad Carm."

Carmelita clenched her stomach and laughed so hard that Sly feared she had ruptured her appendix. Her face was red with humor and she was actually laughing so hard she started to sweat.

"Bentley," Carmelita laughed reassuringly. "If my dad is gay well then look to the skies cause Jesus is a coming."

Sly completely understood as he dosed another drink. Ken Fox was now Cooper's father-in-law, and Ken was a ladies' man. Ken was a bang her and leave her type of guy. In Carmelita's life, due to Ken's attitude towards women, Carmelita had five step moms.

When Carmelita was seven, she thought women were rent to own.

And if that was the case, Ken had a marriage license gold card.

Carmelita continued with her story.

"Do you want to know what my alarm clock as a girl was?" she told Bentley like she was going to tell him anyways. "My Alarm clock usually rang around 6:00am and it was usually my dad upstairs grunting, followed by the voice of a women screaming 'oh my god, give it to me ken you dirty bastard.'"

Sly cocked a brow.

"That's kind of like our alarm clock." Sly stated to his wife. "Except I'm awake, you're under me, you're the one that's screaming and it's my name."

Carm blushed.

"That ain't the point." Bentley told everyone. "What if you found out tomorrow that your dad was gay. How would you react?"

Carmelita decided to play along. She ran through the scene in her head. How would she react if she found out her dad was gay?

* * *

*in Carmelita's head.*

Ken: Look, Mark gets me sweetie. Sex, TV, Beer, and a whole lot of shutting up. We hit and we quit it. So Mark will be living with us for a couple of days whether you like it or not.

Carm: I won't call him mommy.

Ken: I call him daddy.

Carmelita: *gags and rushes out of the room.*

* * *

Bentley rushed away and walked towards the bar counter; still carrying his mojito. He no longer wanted to talk to his friends. His choice was made. He no longer wanted to speak to his dad and that was final. Of course, however, Sly, for obvious reasons was very persistent. As soon as Bentley got himself seated, Sly made his way over to the seat beside him and sat down.

"Look Bentley," he began. "You have to call your dad, Okay. You cannot just walk away from him. He gave you life. You owe him everything. And so what if while you were being conceived he was thinking of Burt Rhinoceros."

"Listen Cooper," Bentley told the raccoon while looking at him dead in the eyes. "This is my choice; my decision and all I want from you as a friend is to respect that decision."

Cooper gave off a defeated sigh. "Fine," he told his reptilian friend. Bentley then went back to his drink.

Unbeknownst to Bentley, Cooper reached into the inside pocket of his tuxedo and began dialing the number to Bentley's biological father. (Which he received the day he got released from prison.)

Bentley was just sipping away on his drink, when he started noticing Cooper acting strangely. That's when he noticed his thumbs were moving in the way as if he were dialing a phone. Then, the turtle eyes moved down, and noticed Cooper was dialing a phone.

"Cooper?" Bentley asked.

"What?"

"is that a phone?"

"No."

"are you dialing?"

"I-i-i-i-i-I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? You have a phone and your dialing so do you know what the hell that implies, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were calling my-"

"Hello, Mister Joseph."

Bentley groaned and tried to walk away, but then was immediately blocked from the exit by Murray. Cooper basically called Bentleys dad, and told him to meet him at the bar. Once Cooper hung up the phone, he moved towards Bentley and poked him three times in the chest.

"Listen!" he told Bentley strictly. "Joseph is your father and whether he is gay or not I want you to respect that he's your dad. So we are holding you here against your will until you talk to your dad and that is final."

* * *

_Nether a son, nor a daughter, can walk away from his father. And neither a mom nor a father can walk away from their child. that is how life works. Families stick together. So Bentley can't walk away from his dad. No son should walk away from his dad. Not during a civil war, or a military coup, or even when you're Carmelita and you come home after a long day of work to find a liquored up waitress from the Indian casino aiming a shot gun at your fathers goodies._

_Carmelita called it "the battle of little big whore." _

* * *

Bentley groaned with dissatisfaction as he felt tight. He was currently in the middle of both Murray and Sly in one of the booth tables and was being squished. Cooper and Murray would not let up. Bentley rattled about between the two. Both Murray and Sly thought they were doing the right thing by keeping Bentley stuck between them. All they had to do was keep squishing Bentley until Joseph made it to the bar. For some odd reason, Joseph was running late. It wasn't like the man to be late.

"Why did you call my dad?" Bentley whined as he shook about between Sly and Murray, trying to break free.

"Because you are not leaving until you talk to your dad." Sly replied.

Bentley looked up, and noticed Carmelita in the white gown. She had the look of disappointment spread across her face. It was obvious that she was mad at somebody. But who she was mad at; Bentley couldn't quite put his finger on it. It wasn't until Carmelita sighed and shook her head while looking at her husband did Bentley realize who she was mad at. And then something clicked in the Turtles head. If Carmelita was mad at Cooper, maybe she'd help him.

"Carmelita. Help me!" Bentley screamed.

"She's not going to help you," Sly Declared.

He was wrong.

Using two of her finger, Carmelita pinched the bit of fur under his fore arm. Cooper exclaimed "ow" before turning around and giving Carmelita a surprised look. Her face was monotone and emotionless. She pinched him again, this time more fiercely. "OW!" Cooper declared. She continued pinching the Raccoon until Cooper made the fatal mistake of standing up. Once Bentley was release, he ran away. Murray ran after him.

Cooper, not paying attention to the free turtle, decided to get revenge. Using his fingers, Cooper pinched Carmelita on her hip.

"_OW!" _she exclaimed rubbing her side.

"Yeah, and that was without finger nails." Sly told his wife.

"Sly!" Murray exclaimed from the back.

Cooper turned his head, and noticed Bentley running away. Using all of his speed, the ring tail made it in front of Bentley. Bentley immediately turned around, only to find himself blocked by another body. Bentley was now caught between his two friends, again. But instead of being in a table, Bentley was standing in an isle in the restaurant with both of his directions blocked.

"Bentley." Cooper stated. "You gotta hear me out. Not everybody has a father. All of us know that from being orphans. I had one and then he was taken away from me. And now that you have a dad you're just going to throw him away?. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? You keep the father you got no matter what. Even if he's gay or homeless or if he lies on the couch like Ken every Saturday morning watching sports with his hands between his legs.

That's when the gang heard a fork drop.

They turned to find a couple, who was happily enjoying their dinner, before Cooper, Murray, and Bentley showed up. The sir was currently enjoying Fettuccini Alfredo, but now his mouth was open in a gape. The Misses face looked exactly the same. Both of them were reeling in the horror of what Sly just said.

Cooper replied by leaning in three inches away from the dudes face.

"You didn't hear anything." Cooper told him.

The couple immediately went back to enjoying their dinner as if nothing happened. Carmelita got to Cooper side.

"My father has ruined my faith on everything." Bentley told Sly and Carmelita. "I mean, what else don't I know?"

"Maybe your grandpa is gay, where does he live?" Murray stated as he unrolled a stick of Chap Stick and rubbed in on his lips.

Cooper hung his head low in embarrassment.

"If he knew where his grandfather lived than he wouldn't have been an orphan, dumbass!" Copper shouted.

Then his ears picked up when he heard a noise. Footsteps. Someone was walking in. Sly turned in hopes that it was Joseph. He had a smile on his face due to relief of Joseph finally showing up.

Then, as Joseph made his way around the Corner with Ken holding him up, Sly's smile completely disappeared.

Joseph looked horrible. His face was black and blue with bruises. There was the red line of blood that ran from his nose. One of his eyes was swollen. His clothes were tattered and torn, and blood was everywhere on his body. He looked as if though he were supposed to be dead. And it looked that if Ken wasn't there to support him, he would have been crawling in.

"Dad?" Bentley questioned.

"O my God!" Carmelita shouted in horror. "What happened?"

"I found him in the alley way." Ken commented as he kept his one arm under him to hold Joseph up. Bentley's dad then began to sob.

"Two guys jumped me in the alley.' He cried. "They hit me, and they kicked me and they threw me into the garbage. They said 'this place is for beers not queers.' I've never felt so hurt in my LIFE!" and with that, Joseph began to sob uncontrollably. "Thanks for calling me down to the only hillbilly part of France JACKASS!"

Sly looked amazed. Cooper felt as if his heart would explode with sadness. It was his fault. It was his fault that Joseph was experiencing all of this pain.

"I'll get some ice," Carmelita told Joseph. Ken took Joseph by his arms and drug him to the bar counter.

"Everybody," Ken Announced. "Make some room we've got an injured man here."

As soon as two bar stools opened up, Ken made way and sat down on one of the stools, completely forgetting about Joseph.

"Get me a beer," Ken told the bar tender.

The voice of his father-in-law snapped Cooper out of his haze.

"j-j-j-Joseph." Sly stutter as he and Murray pushed Bentley towards him. "I'm very sorry that I brought you down here. But I did for a reason." And with that Cooper patted Bentley on his shell. "Bentley, off you go."

Bentley took two steps towards his dad. Cooper and Murray were now practically jumping with excitement. If what they said worked, then Bentley would be able to re patch things with Joseph.

Bentley didn't patch things up with Joseph.

Instead, he took a deep breath, and said four words that immediately caused Sly and Murray's faces to frown and gap open in shock.

"Dad, you deserved it."

Bentley then walked away back to his original table, and began to drink the rest of his mojito.

Joseph turned towards Sly and gave him a flabbergasted look. It was as if to say, 'what the hell was that about.'

Sly opened his mouth, but the words didn't come out.

"I….uh-i-i-i…uh"

He couldn't stand the fact that it was his fault that Joseph felt this way. He was so angry that somebody, anybody, could cause physical harm to him just because he was different. He couldn't take it. So, Slamming his fist on the bar stool, he made his declaration of revenge.

"THAT'S IT!" Cooper screamed. "_WHERE THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS THAT DID THIS TO YOU? I'M GOING TO BEAT THEIR ASSES!" _

Joseph immediately looked amazed. The man gasped with surprise. All tears were no longer there. And the man was completely shocked by Cooper's statement.

"Cooper," he exasperated shocked. "How can you? Violence never solves anything."

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO SLOVE ANYTHING." Sly whined. "I JUST WANT TO BEAT THERE ASSES!"

Joseph shrugged his shoulders.

"Good point." He declared.

Ken got up from his bar stool with the beer in his hand, and approached Joseph; who know had an ice pack to his head.

"You don't have to use the john do you?" Ken stated to Joseph.

"No,"

"Thank you I'll be right back."

And with that, Ken walked off to the restroom. As he walked off, Joseph noticed two men at the pool table, and gasp. He pointed at the two people playing pool, and one of them happened to be a fruit bat. The two people were none other than Chad the Bat and Chad's best friend, Tommy the rabbit.

"Those are the Guy's," he told Cooper as he pointed towards them. "Those are the guy's that beat me up. Right there! O my God!"

Cooper looked confused, and dismayed.

"What, those guys?" Sly asked amazed. "That can't be. Those are my hot rod buddies."

Carmelita's mouth was opened with surprise. Mainly because, she couldn't believe Sly would be affiliated with those homophobes. Sly was friends with those bastards?

Sly knew that Carm looked amazed.

"No, that can't be them."

Carm then crossed her arms and stared at him with disappointment. She pouted and gave him that stare that caused him to fear for his life.

"B-b-but…..i-i-i-I"

"Cooper," she stated darkly. "Go talk to them now."

Cooper looked confused; switching his head back and forth between his friends and his wife. His friends just couldn't act that way. He couldn't imagine that Chad would do something like this. Chad was a great and kind spirit when Cooper knew him at the orphanage, and Tommy, well he didn't exactly know Tommy so he couldn't make any judgments just yet. But he knew Chad. Chad was his best friend for three years. He couldn't have done something like this. So Cooper, decided to stay put in the exact spot he was standing at and do nothing.

But then after a few minutes, the side of his neck started to burn do to the fact that Carm was staring at him with such Furry.

"Fine," he declared defeated. "I'll go talk to them." And with that he walked off.

Suddenly, Murray tapped Sly on the shoulder.

"Anybody who beats up a gay guy is probably gay," he told him.

"I swear to god if you even think about kissing one of those guys I'm going to punch you in the throat." Sly told him.

"How absurd." Murray replied as he placed Chap Stick on his lips.

Cooper slapped himself in the face and drugged his hands down his cheeks. He was friends with this moron? Why?

Cooper shook the embarrassment off. He then Motioned Murray to tag along with him. Both of them made their way to the pool table, towards Chad and Tommy. Cooper still didn't believe that Chad would do something like this; it wasn't like him at all. But there was only one way to find out.

"Hey, Chad." Sly said more nervous than curious.

"What's up?" Chad asked the raccoon as the bat chalked up his pool stick.

"Here's the thing." Cooper stated. Then he pointed towards Joseph. "Did you beat up that gay guy?"

"hell yeah." Chad exclaimed. "Me and Tommy both kicked the shit out of him. HIGH FIVE!"

Sly's eyes widen in shock. This could not possibly be true. Chad wouldn't even do something like this. How could this be happening? And what was even more disturbing, was that this bat was thinking this was a high five moment.

"Listen," Sly stated calmly. "I can't have you doing that again. You see, that gay guy is my best friend's dad so, you know, I know him."

Chad furrowed his brows.

"You hanging out with _fags _now?" Chad stated amazed.

"What!"Cooper shouted.

Tommy nudged Chad on the shoulder.

"Coopers probably his 'butt slave'" The rabbit told Chad.

"WHATT!" Sly shouted now even more pissed off. "I AM NOT ANYBODYS BUTT SLAVE! CAN'T YOU SEE I JUST GOT HITCHED MAN?"

"Carm probably video tapes the sessions and puts the on the internet." Tommy told Chad quietly.

"Yeah, probably. Fags tend to do that from time to time." Chad stated looking at Cooper more fiercely, as if Sly was the gay guy.

"Hey," Tommy said out loud as they circled Sly. Sly and Murray both felt very threaten. Both Chad and Tommy were very tall; somewhere around the 7 foot range. So Sly and Murray, being only 5 feet tall, felt like they were being circled by the homophobic giants. Not to mention the fact that Tommy had pecks that would put The Terminator to shame. "If Cooper makes Cars than maybe he'll make one for his butt buddy."

"Yeah," Chad laughed. "And when the exhaust pipe goes out it goes 'poof'"

* * *

_Peer pressure sucks. It is the one thing that either turns people from geniuses to stoners, or from lovers to killers. Peer pressure is the root of all evil. It is the reason that every horrible thing in this world has been done. You know the Boston Strangler wouldn't have done what he did, if the Memphis Strangler, and the Colorado Strangler, didn't tag team, get up on his ass, and call him a cry baby and a wussy._

_Otherwise, the Boston Strangler would have just shot all of those people he killed._

* * *

"Murray's probably the husband." Tommy stated.

"He is not the husband!" Cooper shouted.

"Then you're the husband." Chad said.

"I AM NOT THE HUSBAND!" Cooper yelled.

"Why can't I be the husband?" Murray asked.

"You can't be the husband because I'm taller than you!" Cooper stated unaware of what he just said.

"WOAH!" Chad yelled. "looks like somebody likes in the caboose." And with that, Chad fiercely slapped him in the butt, in pure jock fashion. Sly Jumped and turned around, rubbing his hind in, when another hand, Tommy's, did the exact same thing. Cooper then moved at least a good 2 yards away from the two evil jocks.

"Watch the butt." Sly told them. And with that, Sly made his way shamefully back to Carmelita and the rest of the group.

Murray however, was poking his butt in front of both Chad and Tommy.

"Come on," Murray stated stupidly smug. "You know you can't resist it."

"MURRAY!" Copper shouted. "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!"

Murray made his way back to the other side of the bar. When Sly turned around, he was immediately greeted by Carmelita's face. To say that she was surprised would have been an understatement.

"You didn't do anything?" Carmelita asked shocked.

"I-i-i-I" Cooper stuttered. "Well…um….when they weren't looking I stole their quarters."

"Sly," Carmelita whined. "You are the same exact kid that was running around roof tops in France. You take no responsibility for anything! You told me you were going to kick their asses and you did NOTHING!"

That was a shot straight through the heart. That hurt the raccoon very much; so much in fact that he didn't have time to process what he was about to say.

"Well you gained six pounds since you were a cop and I never told you about that." Immediately, after Sly said this he covered his mouth with his hand. Too late.

Carmelita face reddened with anger. Her wedding gown almost burst into flames. Sly now had two voices in his head. The old man, (well it looks like a storm is a coming) and his consciousness. (I'm going to the cellar! RUN COOPER RUN!)

It was Bentley that interrupted them. Bentley now had a couple of alcoholic beverages in his system. It was not enough to affect his judgment, so the turtle totally meant what he said.

"Hey Carm." Bentley told her smiling evil. "Maybe the reason Sly didn't fight them, is because he's a big old queer."

"WHAT!" Cooper stated. "THAT'S CRAZY!"

A light bulb then clicked in Carmelita's head. Cooper seemed very agitated by what Bentley said. She knew that in moments of anger, Cooper would tend to finish what he started. For example, if Sly was suppose to fix a car and he didn't want to fix the car, all you had to do was tease him relentlessly on a soft subject of his and he would eventually complete that car out of pure anger. So Carmelita then grew a very evil smile on her face, and proceeded to tease Cooper.

"yeah," she stated devilishly. "He's probably right. I did where your tux that one time and you caught me, and you thought it was sexy." She poked him in the chest.

"Well," Sly stated intimidated. "You had that whole businessman thing going on."

"Business_man_?_" _Carmelita asked smiling while cocking a brow.

Sly immediately caught his mistake.

"BUISNESS WOMEN!" he shouted feeling his masculinity threaten. "I SAID BUISNESS WOMEN."

"NO NO!" Carmelita stated surprised and devious. "Not just that. Remember how much you liked my hair when it was short."

"I love it when it's short." He stated.

Wrong answer.

"Cause you like boys"

"WHAT!"

"It reminded you of what you want. And all you want is a big. Hairy. Strong. Man."

"I DO NOT!"

"Hey everybody!" Murray shouted as he held up a glass of beer. "My best friend is a homo." Then Murray chugged his beer. "Now I get this game." He told Cooper.

"I knew it!" Chad exclaimed from the back.

Sly took three long steps towards the center of the bar. Millions of eyes were upon him as he unleashed his righteous fury.

"I AM NOT GAY AND I CAN PROVE IT!"

"Well prove it." Carmelita stated. "Prove to everyone here that you are not a homo."

Sly looked at Carmelita in a way he never had before. Mainly because now, he noticed that her lips were more plump that usual, and he had a reason to kiss those lips. So running over to her, and pushing Carmelita on top of the Bar counter, he savagely attacked her mouth with his tongue. It was a full on French kiss fest. And to top it all off, Sly opened up her gown so her legs could wrap around his hips. And now he was dry humping his wife on top of the bar.

* * *

_She said prove it._

* * *

Both of their hands were intertwined in each other's hair. Carmelita at first was shocked by how Cooper reacted. But now, she was quite enjoying it. His tongue was going wild in her mouth and her tongue was politely massaging his. Both of them were moaning with passion. Most of the people in the bar were now staring wide eyed. Some male customers were now cheering the couple on, raising a bar glass, and laughing like chicks at a slumber party.

"Lucky gay bastard." Murray stated as he watch Sly and Carmelita make out.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Ken stated from the left of Sly, shocked at what this raccoon was doing to his daughter. "There are guys trying to drink over here."

Cooper released Carmelita from his grasp; leaving her on the bar counter top, panting, and begging for more. The Raccoon then turned his attention to the crowd.

"I've got only one word for everyone in here," he shouted. "_SCHWING!"_

"Really," Carmelita stated seductively. "You seemed to be a lot more focused on my hair."

"Get over here," Sly commanded her; growling with passion through his clenched teeth.

Carmelita then made her way back to Cooper for another full on French make out fest.

"THAT'S MY DAUGHTER ASSHOLE!" Ken screamed, stopping the couple. "SCHWING on your own time."

Cooper then turned his focus to Ken, listening to every word the fox had to say.

"Listen," Ken began. "Ever since Joseph moved into the neighborhood I helped him out. I help him move boxes and carry groceries. I've done my part for do da parade. So quit embarrassing me."

"No daddy." Carmelita stated. She was now fully aware of why she even told Sly to prove his masculinity anyway. She pointed out Chad and Tommy in the back to her dad. "See those two men back there. My husband just back down from those red necks that beat up Bentley's dad." Then she started leaning in towards Cooper, and her voice got low and seductive. "I think he needs the _proper motivation." _

Cooper then did something that surprised her. He pushed her away. She stood back, shocked by his actions. She wanted more, and Cooper could tell, so using this opportune moment, he held out one finger and showed Carmelita what it was like to be in Sly's position when he got home from a long day of work.

"You want it, but you can't have it." Cooper told her.

Immediately, Carmelita pouted her lips and almost looked as if she was about to cry. She wanted more. More. More. More. More. _More!_

"How does it feel?" Cooper sarcastically asked her.

"It sucks," she replied.

"You're lucky that I'm more merciful." Then Cooper took her and held her up close to his body. He whispered in her ear with passion. "When we get home tonight, I'm giving you the best night of your life."

"You, me, and the whip cream." She replied seductively.

"Grrr," he growled as he bit her neck.

Ken was now about fed up with this. This was his daughter god damn it.

"HEY!" Ken shouted, immediately causing the couple to look back at Ken. "Focus on me Cooper," Ken stated as he did the universal symbol for 'I am watching you' or 'focus'. "I am you constant. Now listen." Ken then called Joseph over to him. Joseph limped towards Ken, and Ken placed on arm on his shoulder.

"Fruits have the same rights as normal people," Ken began. "It's not like they're from Vietnam."

"I actually served there." Joseph stated.

"see what I mean." Ken stated.

"The people were fantastic." Joseph stated.

"You're not helping right now." Ken replied.

* * *

_Now if anyone is reading this, you're probably wondering "why does Ken care if Joseph was in the service or not?"_

_You see, before Ken moved to France, he originally lived in America with his first wife Juanita; Carmelita's mother. And while he was in America, Ken served for the National Guard._

_Now before anyone who reads this stars clapping for him, let me make this clear. He did absolutely nothing. He only served in the "watts riots." Which meant he only protected liquor stores from rocks for an entire weekend._

_But then again, they were liquor stores so Ken was the first man in, and the last man out._

_He got demoted from sergeant seven times. It turns out that you can't take your entire squad to the Holiday Inn pool, and call it "the mission."_

* * *

"Look." Ken continued. "Bentley is your best friend and Joseph is his dad. And no matter what happens, Joseph is now a part of your life just like Bentley. You'd do anything for your best friend, right, so why did you puss out on your best friend's father? I mean this is low even in my standards. Which brings me to my conclusion. If you don't help out Joseph, and beat the crap out of those guys in the back, I am personally going to the nearest law office and placing in your divorce papers."

"What!" Cooper screamed. "I don't want to divorce Carm! I love her."

"Daddy!" Carmelita screamed. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Now listen," Ken told his daughter. "Coopers an adult now, so he needs to make this decision."

Cooper was flabbergasted. He didn't know what to do. It was crazy to think about hurting two people in the first place, but then again, these two people were assholes. They had physical tried to kill another person, and for what reasons. Cause he was Gay? That was just crazy. No one should be physically abused for their beliefs, looks, culture, or sexual preferences what so ever. And who ever hurts those type of people, should be either in jail or dead.

But Chad use to be Coopers best friend in the Orphanage. He didn't know what he should do.

Cooper then ran a list of memories and reason why he should beat up Chad. For starts, if he didn't, he and Carmelita were done for. Secondly, Chad deserved to get hurt for hurting Joseph for no apparent reason, and thirdly, an old bit of random information flashed through Cooper's brain.

* * *

_In 1998 in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat the crap out of a poor defenseless dolphin furry by the name of Matthew Sheppard and left him on the side of the road, leaving him on a fence to die._

_They killed him, cause Matthew Sheppard was gay._

_They KILLED him, cause Mathew Sheppard was GAY?_

_They killed him._

_What the fuck has this world come to._

* * *

"My daughter is not going to marry a man like that," Ken told Sly.

Suddenly, Sly's chest swelled with pride as he came to a decision. He knew now, that he was going to have to kick Chad's ass. Even though Chad was of his friends long ago, Joseph was Bentley's Dad. And no one messes with Bentley's dad.

"Alright," Sly told Ken and Carmelita. "I'll do it."

And with that, Sly started to walk towards Chad. Suddenly, Murray sprang from his seat. "Wait a minute. " The hippo declared. Sly turned around to Face Murray, as the hippo leaned in for a whisper. "You're not going to puss out on me again, right?" Murray asked. "Cause people are now starting to think you and I are married."

"I swear to God," Cooper replied mad, with his face only three inches away. "Even If I was Gay, and you and I were the last two people on earth, I would never marry you."

Murray seemed generally hurt by his comment, as tears started to well up in his eyes.

"Ow Cooper," Murray proclaimed.

"Get over it," Sly stated rolling his eyes. The Raccoon the motioned Murray to follow him. "Come on. Let's go crack open a can of whoop ass on these rednecks." And with that, they marched off towards Chad and Tommy. Suddenly, they were blocked by a small reptilian body. It was Bentley, standing with his legs that were covered with his braces.

"What are you two doing?" Bentley asked surprised.

"We're going to do something that you should have done." Cooper told Bentley fiercely. "We're going to do something that you don't seem to have the balls to do and never will."

Bentley's eyes widen in surprise. He couldn't believe the way that Sly was talking to him. Did Sly really believe that the reason Bentley wasn't fighting Chad, was because he was afraid?

"Is that what you think," Bentley asked wide eyed.

"Yeah," Cooper told him. "And you know what; I wish that _you were _gay. Cause then maybe, it would give you something to fight about, Pussy."

That was a shot straight to the gut. It hit Bentley right in the core. Bentley would never call himself the bravest out of the group, because Bentley knew what he was. But when Sly called him a Pussy, that was an all time low. He felt like he was being taken advantage of. He felt like no one else in the world felt the way he did at the time. But most of all, he felt as if no one cared.

"Step aside," Cooper said. And with that, Cooper suddenly nudged Bentley out of the way with his hand.

_Doesn't he get it? _Bentley thought. _I can't believe that he doesn't see why I feel like this. Doesn't anybody feel the way I do? I hate him. I hate him and Murray. I hate my Dad and I hate the pain I'm going through. _

Suddenly, as sharp pain wrenched in his knee cap. Bentley couldn't take it anymore. Using his hands, he took off his left leg brace and began to rub his leg. _And I hate these leg braces. _Bentley thought. Suddenly, a light switched flipped in his head. He noticed that even though his left leg brace was off, he was not falling over. In fact, he noticed that he could apply weight to his left foot. He felt an invigorating spirt rise with in him. He thought, even though the idea was stupid, that his new legs had finally healed completely up. But there only one way to find out. He then took off his right leg brace, and moved his leg around a bit. He could apply weight to both legs. _I CAN WALK! _Bentley thought. _OH JOYESS GOD! I CAN WALK!_

Meanwhile, it was somewhere around this point that Murray and Cooper finally got Chad and Tommy's attention from the pool table.

"Hey," Cooper declared. This Cause Tommy and Chad to start to listen to Cooper. They looked towards the Raccoon in the tux. "You just beat up my friend's father, and that's just not cool. You think Violence solves anything. Well it doesn't, and I'm going to prove it to you by KICKING YOUR ASS!"

Chad and Tommy laughed in their faces.

"You asking me out, homo." Chad laughed at Cooper.

The Raccoon rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I get it. Ha ha." Cooper exclaimed sarcastically. "I'm a homo, whatever. But if you get beat up don't forget to mention to your buddies that it was a couple of homo's that beat you up."

Chad and Tommy started beating their fist in their hands, while all in all, evilly smiling.

"You and me; outside. Now!" Cooper exclaimed.

And then suddenly, _whap! _Impact. Chad and Tommy both punch Cooper and Murray straight in the face. Murray got it in the jaw and flew to the left, hitting a support beam in the bar ad falling on the floor. Cooper went up and landed on the table, which crumbled under his weight, and the raccoon ended up on the floor with Murray. As both the raccoon and the hippo tried to catch their breath, Chad and Tommy were laughing like bullies in the play ground.

"Whatcha gonna do now, homo!" Chad exclaimed.

And that's when it happened.

Cooper heard a tiny thudding sound; sort of like someone was running towards them. Cooper got up to see who was running towards them. And that's when he got the shocker of his life. It was _Bentley _who was running. And not just running, he was had so much strength in his legs now, he was able to jump onto the pool table with one false swoop. And on top of that, there were no leg braces. Bentley was now able to fully walk and run again, without the use of metallic legs, or leg braces. Bentley was back and better than ever.

Bentley grabbed the pool stick from Tommy's hand. He screamed, "LET'S GO BITCHES!" before slamming the pool stick up side Tommy's head. The force was enough to causing the stick to snap. Tommy fell forwards and slammed head first on the wooden floor, causing Tommy to pass out. Once the stick snapped Bentley cornered Chad up against the juke box. With the broken stick in his hand, Bentley used it as a knife, and held it only three inches away from Chad's throat.

Cooper was amazed, one minute, Bentley was a total wuss. Now, Bentley was bonofied badass. Bentley was acting like a hero, but his actions were that of a villain. He was now super cool. Sly just stared in amazement.

"You think its fun?" Bentley asked viscously while he made sure the broken stick was only picking the skin. "You like making fun of homo's? huh? Well, say it! Say you're a homo."

"You're a Homo" Chad called Bentley.

"No," Bentley said as he pushed lightly with the stick. "Say 'I'm a homo'"

"You're a Homo." Chad Called Bentley, lightly choking on the stick.

Bentley now slammed the stick against his throat. Bentley was now a good centimeter away from killing Chad.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN DAMMIT!" the turtle screamed.

Chad, now fearing for his life, complied.

"I'm a homo! I'm a homo," Chad Screamed.

That snapped Cooper out of his haze. Sly then got up from the floor, and joined Bentley's side. A crowd was now joining around this group; including a very surprised and shocked Ken and Carmelita fox, along with a very amazed Joseph. Cooper leaned in to Chad's face.

"Say it louder," Sly ordered.

Chad hesitated for a bit, mainly because he noticed the crowd starting to form. Then he realized that this was all Sly's intention. It was either be alive and shameful, or dead and full of pride. And even though Chad was an arrogant bastard, Like the wussie he was, Chad fully complied.

"I'M A HOMO!" Chad screamed with the stick near his throat.

The crowd, still thinking it was Copper's drinking game, raised up there glasses and declared "I'M A HOMO!" before taking giant swigs of their alcoholic beverages.

Bentley let go of the stick, and took it off Chad's throat.

"Good," Bentley told him. "Grab your boyfriend from the floor, and get the hell out of here."

Chad, wrapped the comatose body of Tommy around his bat wings and started heading out the door. Tommy looked very heavy, but Chad was able to manage through and pick up the heavy rabbit, and walk out the door with Tommy around his back. Once the bat was fully gone, everyone cheered, feeling happy that the homophobic bastard was finally gone.

Carmelita came up and ruffled Bentley's head. "o my god, Bentley, I'm so proud of you."

Joseph came up and held out his hands waiting for a hug.

"Son," Joseph said. "Thank you for standing up for me. " Joseph then leaned in to complete the hug.

But Bentley wouldn't have it. Bentley held a finger up to his dad's face and moved away. Anger burned like fire in Bentley's eyes, and Bentley screamed to his father, "And I NEVER, want to see you again!"

Cooper was shocked. After what Bentley did, after what they been through, and even after what Cooper said, Bentley was still holding this grudge? Why?

"Hey man," Sly said to Bentley. "You can't hate your father just because he's gay."

Bentley's eyes widen.

"do you honestly think that all this time, _that _was what I was angry about?"

Sly cocked I brow.

"I don't hate him because he's gay, I hate him for what he did to my mom and me."

Bentley then turned and faced his father. The Turtle looked disgusted. Carmelita and the others were now fully listening to what Bentley had to say. Bentley now began to pour out his feelings to his father, and this is what the turtle said.

"You ruined my life!' Bentley declared. "You banged my mom in a public restroom and you just left her there. You didn't even send her a postcard. You weren't aware of what was going on because you honestly didn't care what happen to her. You tried proving your masculinity and then you just fly off and say you're gay. My mom died giving birth to me and _you weren't there! _She died that day, and since no one knew where you were, and I had no grandparents, I spent the rest of my life in an orphanage. And I'll never forgive you for that. I grew up alone, because of you, and now you come back and expect a hand shake. I don't hate you because you're gay. I hate you because that's your excuse for walking out on my mom."

A wired silence struck the room. Joseph hung his head low in shame. Bentley stared at his father with fiery anger.

"You walked out on me," Bentley declared. "Now it's my turn to walk out on you."

Bentley then, with his newly equipped legs, walked away. For the first time ever since the accident, without the support of a wheel chair, prosthetic limbs, or braces, he walked.

Joseph never saw Bentley again.

But Cooper did.

* * *

In Cooper's honest opinion, it was some of the best night's he has had with a woman. Carmelita made her promise about the whipped cream, and the Honey moon was amazing. The honey moon was a two week holiday that stopped at two locations. There first location, Venice, was marvelously crafted. It was basically the place any romantic would take his wife for a honey moon. The culture and the feeling of the city was enough to have Carmelita practically begging for Sly. It was where some of the best sex he had with Carmelita took place. Their second stop, New York, was a special city with amazing sites. Cooper loved the city, even if there were some parts of it where Cooper would have to duck and cover. They loved the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire state building. But what they really love, what they really loved was the diversity. It was no wonder people called New York "the great melting pot." Every one of every single culture, or religion, or race, lived together in that city. And while even though some people didn't get along well, they worked together to solve ones needs.

It was a fantastic time for the couple, and Sly wanted it to last. But Sadly, Life caught up to them and they had to face reality. It had been two weeks since they last saw Bentley. Ever since that incident at the bar, no one knew if Bentley was all right or not. They'd come knocking at his door, but he'd never answer, and people knew he was home because the lights were on and the car was parked in the driveway. He just never talked to anybody.

Cooper really could've cared less. Sure, Bentley was his friend, but if the turtle wanted his space then by god let him have his space. Of course, Carmelita however would not let him have it that way. And that's two Sly ended up near Bentley's house, in the car with Carm, after their two week honey moon.

"Do I really have to talk to him?" Cooper asked.

"He needs comfort," Carmelita told him.

"But he wants some space, besides I-"

"I don't care if he wants space!" Carmelita told him. "Besides, it's been two weeks and from what we've heard Bentley hasn't come out of the house to talk to anybody. He needs help. And as your wife I order you to talk to him."

Cooper thought it would take years before Carmelita became that stereotypical house wife. He thought it would take years before Carmelita became just like all of those wives in the comic media. But here it was, in one instant, Carmelita changed. But Sly would still love her, no matter what.

"All right Honey," he stated defeated.

And with that, he walked up to the house.

The house was a bit big for a turtle. Since Bentley was a technological genius, the house was equipped with the latest in home owning technology; including a moving sidewalk. So Sly was able to make it to his door in double time. It was very strange, however, that Bentley had a moving sidewalk, speakers built into rocks so the turtle could enjoy his music outside, (he had an extensive collection of The Beatles) and he even had lights that were solar charged in the morning, and would turn on at night. Yet, Bentley did not have a buzzer system like apartment buildings or the playboy mansion. So in this house of technological wonders, when Cooper approached the door, the raccoon did the most manual thing ever; he knocked.

After three knocks, and no answer, Sly spoke.

"Bentley," Sly stated. "It's Sly. Listen, you haven't talked to anybody in two weeks, so open up."

The door then opened.

And Cooper's jam literally hit the floor.

Bentley didn't answer the door. It was _Penelope. _And in normal circumstances, this would have been strange, but this took the cake. She was standing in the door way, in panties, high thigh Go-Go red leather heels, and nothing else. Her chest was completely exposed, and her hair looked as if a wild animal attacked her. As Cooper's brain literally fired, he heard feet stepping near the door way. That was when Bentley appeared, wearing a red robe and sporting a pipe. As they both laughed at Cooper's amazed look, that's when the light bulb clicked on in Cooper's head. _Bentley and Penelope just had make up sex. _After they were done laughing, Bentley politely kissed Penelope on the lips.

"I'll meet you in the study." He told her.

"I'll get the whipped cream." Penelope said. And with that, she walked inside the house more; Bentley watching her all the way.

Cooper, even with his brain literally mashed into Swiss cheese, was finally able to pronounce words and formulate a sentence. Although not well.

"Y-y-y-y-you, and P-p-p-p-p-p-Penelope…J-just had…..s-s-s-s-sex?" Sly asked.

"yep," Bentley said not ashamed. He lifted up his feet, showing off his legs. "Turns out legs are a real turn on for her." And then the turtle laughed. "You know what's funny?"

"What?"

"Remember that pool we took when we were first time professional thieves." Bentley stated. "You know? The one where we pooled which one would end up married first."

"yeah,"

"The funny thing is, we all decided that I'd get married first, and you'd still be rutting around with lots of women. But now, here in the future, it's like we changed places. I'm the one who's lovin every day, and you're stuck with Carmelita."

Before Cooper could tell Bentley how precious Carmelita was, Penelope interjected into the conversation.

"Hey Baby," she shouted from the back. "we've got a little _anatomy _project to perform, if you know what I mean."

Nothing, not even Bentley's pipe could hide the huge smug grin that spread across his face. He then took some steps back so he was inside the house.

"I'm sorry Cooper," Bentley said, sounding not that sorry. "But I've got some _test _to perform. And then I have to do some _field work. _If you know what I mean."

And with that, Bentley began to shut the door.

Before the door slammed all the way, Cooper said one last thing.

"You magnificent turtle bastard."

* * *

_Everybody is a specist. Deep down inside, we are only comfortable around people who are exactly like us._

_But we have to give that up if we want to evolve. Because claiming that once species is better than the other, is just plain ignorant. Because in the end, we are either Brilliant, or a Douche bag._

_The first open heart surgery was performed by an African. I just found that out last week. The First time a chest was opened up and a guy tampered with a heart, it was an African behind the scaple. And that guy was brilliant._

_But do you know why that surgery was done in the first place?_

_Because two other Africans got in a knife fight and one stabbed the other in the heart._

_Douchebag. _

* * *

**Thank you to all who review and read my story. I really appreciate it. I know that this chapter is a bit dark, dealing with such topics as racism and homosexuality, but I told you Bentley would get his happy ending right? **

**Please, read, review, and share as much as possible. And when you review, please tell me your favorite part. I'm dying to know.**

**And again, please check out my YouTube page. The link is in my Author profile. Watch me and some of my friends perform the Immigrant song and Refugee at School of Rock.**

**I really hope you enjoyed.**

**And please watch the original show by Christopher Titus on YouTube. **

Chapter preview: Titus episode: "The Test."


	7. The Test

**Here's another chapter. Sorry if there was a bit of a delay. Our softball team had its first tournament. We won, and crushed the competition. Go Panthers! Also, I took my written exam and got my driver's permit. Now I'm legally able to drive on the highway with adult supervision.**

**I took the exam on my birthday, which was September 1****st****. I had a wonderful time, got lots of presents, and to top it all off, I got to drive to my party. I mean, it's one thing to go to your party, but to actually drive there? Dude, for a kid who has never driven in his life until now, that's bitchin. **

**I really hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm going back to my roots with this one. So without any more interruptions, sit back, relax, read and enjoy. **

* * *

**Prologue.**

_How far will you go for someone you love? Would you feed them and bath them in their gray years? Will you keep them company when they're lonely? _

_All of that is very good in all, but would you, if you had to, die for someone you love?_

_I read this story about this one lady, who actually lifted a car off of her child. Of course, I would've said "Dude! Back up," but then again it's not my kid. _

_I asked Carmelita the same question once too. And she told me, and I quote "If would have know all the stuff Dad was going to do for me, I would've crawled back in."_

_Speaking of Ken, after he didn't force me and Carmelita to break up (thank god) me and my friends had to find some way to repay him. I mean, he gave me her daughters hand in marriage. He let me make that seldom vow with his kin, and made me part of the family. So how do you repay the man who gave you their daughters hand in marriage? _

_Since Ken is an ass, I'd like to start by punching him in the throat. But, I couldn't do that because my wife is nice, and sweet, and she's a cop. _

_Plus, she told me she wouldn't give me cake in jail._

_What would you do for the man who gave you their daughter's hand in marriage? When __**he **__gets old, would you bath him and feed him. _

_Hell no. _

_But, when he is having heart troubles, you and your friends can donate the man some blood. That's what me, Bentley, my wife, and Murray was doing the other day. And we did it, even if it was against my will. We met Penelope, who works up at the hospital now, and she took our names and information._

_And that's when things went horribly, horribly, wrong._

* * *

"Sound off if you've ever had one of these," Penelope announced to the gang.

Everyone was now if the hospital, getting ready to give a pint of blood. It was risky, but both Cooper and Carmelita knew that since Ken was having surgery soon, it was the least they could do to repay him. And besides, Ken was one of Penelope's friends as well. After the Raccoon and the Fox got married, Penelope entered a friendship with Ken. Both of them had one common interest, and that was pranking. They loved to prank, whether it was practical, mental, and sometimes downright asinine, it was one of their favorite things to do t the gang.

Penelope was working at the hospital, the same night as the gang decided to donate blood. She stood behind the counter, and started listing off diseases.

"Head injury, epilepsy, heart murmur, bowl disease, typhoid, malaria, yellow fever."

"You forgot Sherman's Kypothis." Bentley sang. "My little sweet cakes." He leaned over the counter, standing on his tip toes. Now with his new legs, he could do almost anything.

"Well of course I did," Penelope stated flirting, "My handsome turtle." As she leaned closer, her eyes ranked down his legs. _Thank god for leg replacement surgery, _she thought.

"I love you." Bentley told her.

"I love you too," Penelope sang as she pecked Bentley on the lips.

"I kind of makes me sick that you guy's flirt with each other over illnesses." Cooper stated as he checked off his paper. Then he looked up, and he also looked nervous. "And can we just give blood. I mean, I hate hospitals. I'm standing in a room breathing in old floating flex of little dead people."

"Cooper," Carmelita told him. "We have to do this. I mean, what if Ken has another heart attack."

"Well my blood doesn't have any nicotine or alcohol in it." Cooper whined. "It'd probably kill him." Then Cooper looked up in annoyance. "And where the hell is Murray."

"I don't know?" Bentley stated. "He said he was going to donate and then he just walked off."

That's when Murray came out of the bathroom. He had a giant grin on his face that symbolized he enjoyed something. He looked all sweaty and tired. It looked like he had just ran a ten mile marathon, but how could he run a marathon in a bathroom? And also, why was he smiling so deviously? In one hand, he carried with him a puzzle book, and in the other hand was a jar. The contents of the jar were some unknown white substance. It wasn't until Murray placed it on the counter that everyone fully realized what Murray thought they were donating.

"Here's your sperm, and the shovel is in the tree," Murray stated.

The whole group started to gag.

"What?"

"Murray," Cooper stated disgusted. "We're donating blood, not sperm."

"Oh," Murray said very long and in a sigh, as he fully realized why they were in the hospital. "Well, it's already done. Now I'm going to take a nap." And with that, the pink hippo laid down on the couch in the waiting guest lobby, and fell asleep.

Penelope stuck her tongue out in disgust. As she placed her latex gloves on, she moved her hands shyly, as if she were afraid that the contents of the jar would strike out and touch her. She moved slow and jittery. Then, finally she threw away the jar of "jelly."

"Speaking of, *shudders* sp-p-p-perm," Penelope stated as she threw away the jar. "I have to ask you this question."

She then turned back to her medical clip board, and asked the question that would start the fire.

"In the past 12 months, how many sexual partners have you had?"

"One," Cooper stated.

Very quietly, and faintly, Cooper could hear Carmelita correcting him. "Two."

Cooper crushed the pen in his hand in anger, as he fully realized what Carmelita was referring to.

* * *

_May 1__st__ will be a date that will fully be etched into my brain._

* * *

"Two," Cooper sounded sarcastically surprised. "Well, I guess if you want to count the waitress I slept with because YOU broke up with me." When he said 'you' he made sure his voice was laced in anger.

"Well I do," Carmelita stated as she sarcastically and viciously smiled in anger. At this moment, her lips were sarcastically smiling, but her eyes looked as if though she could burst people into flames by just staring at them.

Cooper leaned forward and placed his elbows on the counter. Then he began to retort. He wasn't scared of Carmelita. In fact, he also knew a secret about her.

"Well then I get to count the convenience store night clerk, or aka Randy." He told her.

"Are you done, or do I have to get my calculator?" Penelope stated behind the desk, annoyed. It wasn't like she was surprised. Bentley told her the whole story, and, honestly, she had to side with Cooper.

* * *

_Look, when a couple is fighting there are a few warm caring places they can turn. _

_Self help books, _

_The clergy, _

_Or in my case, the warm caring groin of a stranger. _

* * *

"Randy," Sly muttered as if he were spewing bile. He checked off his paper viciously.

"Tiffany," Carmelita stated just the same as Sly.

They talked like this for several minutes. Each minute, they spewed forth their opinions on each other's fling. They got madder and madder, and each retort was harsher and harsher.

"Slurping jerking pig," Sly called Randy.

"Coffee- refilling whore" Carmelita retorted.

"Arrogant dick minded gas pumper."

"Pie serving hoe."

With each passing phrase, the couple got louder and louder. It eventually came to a point where they started screaming about each other, instead of each other's flings. Suddenly, Sly realized where this conversation was heading too. He screamed. "Ahh!" in realization, and suddenly he started smiling and began to talk all lovey dovey.

Carmelita suddenly realized where this conversation was heading to as well. She brought up her hands and they joined paws.

"I love you," told Carm.

"I love you too."

"Old fight,"

"New beginnings."

"God," Penelope said smiling. "Ken must have had a field day with this incident."

Sly and Carm suddenly felt fear. They looked into each other's eyes. Worry was spread across their face. She didn't know that Ken didn't know. And if that was the case, now that Penelope knew, at any moment, this little incident could become public if told to Ken. They didn't want that. So Sly and Carmelita got really close to Penelope and started to act friendly towards her; all the while sporting fake smiles hiding their fear.

"Listen, uh…Penelope." Sly told her. "Now that you're friends with Ken, maybe you guys should be doing things together."

"Yeah," Carmelita stated friendly. "Like _not _telling Ken about what we did."

Penelope suddenly got the message, and started laughing hysterically. Ken didn't know. If he ever found out both Sly and Carm would be tormented probably for the rest of their lives. As she tried to regain her breath, she asked Sly a question."

So-so-so..pffft. hahahahah. So," Penelope tried stating. "You want me not to tell Ken that she's a trollup and you're a man slut."

"I feel closer already." Sly told Penelope sarcastically.

Once Penelope finally calmed down, she passed Carmelita and Sly two clip boards. "Sign these," she ordered. Both of them fully complied. While they were signing, Carmelita stated under her breath "trollup?"

"Well you did sleep with him." Sly stated.

"Well you slept with her."

"Yeah, because you broke up with me."

"But you broke up with me as well."

"Why I ought a,"

"Slow down here fornicators," Penelope told them. "Before we can continue this argument, as one of the nurses here, I have to ask the question. Did you use protection?"

_Oh Shit! _Sly thought. _This was it. Now she's going to find out. _Sly, suddenly deep down, started trembling in fear. He fully knew that he didn't use protection, and was scared out of his wits. He knew he could always lie about it, but at this moment, he knew that someone was going to find out that deep dark secret. Even though no one noticed, his knee's started shaking, and he felt as if the earth was quaking. Any moment now, he was going to be fully exposed and ridiculed for acting like such a fool.

Carmelita, on the other hand, started laughing.

"Of course he used protection," she said. "Right honey?"

Sly replied by whistling and signing his paper.

Carmelita's eyes widen in terror. She know fully realized the truth. _HE CAN'T FUCKIN BE SERIOUS CAN HE! _She thought. He wasn't protected during his fling, and that meant a whole new arrangement of problems. She was surprised, shocked, and all around terrified know that she knew the horrible truth.

"YOU DIDN'T USE PROTECTION!" she screamed in terror.

* * *

"_Oh god," I thought. "It's a rematch."_

* * *

**Chapter 7: The test. **

"Cooper?" Bentley stated in horror and disappointment. "You didn't use a condom? How much more irresponsible can you get?" Sly ran over to Bentley to give him a piece of his mind. Bentley replied by slapping Sly across the chest with a pamphlet. Minutes later, it turned into a slap fight. Carmelita came over and broke up the fight. And afterwards, she cornered Sly. She had the look of anger in her eyes.

"Stop it Bentley," she told the turtle. Then she looked Cooper dead in the eyes. "This is between me and my _man slut!"_

"Hey," Cooper retorted. "We are here to bleed for Ken and you two are taking the fun right out of that."

"You _have _to _wear _a _condom!" _Bentley screamed at Cooper as if Bentley were talking to a teenage son. "Jesus Cooper, I thought you'd know better."

"Okay," Cooper stated stuttering. "This isn't about _who _stuck _there what _into _who_ and wearing a _thing_. We are here to give some blood, get a sugar cookie, and get the hell out."

Suddenly Murray awoke from his sleep. He rose up out of the couch at an alarming rate. He gasped in anger.

"Cookie?" Murray shouted. "I didn't get a cookie."

Sly and Bentley turned their heads at Murray for only two seconds to admire Murray's child-likeness. It was strange how stupid the hippo could act. Then, when they turned back around, they saw Carmelita's face. She had her arms crossed and had her foot tapping. She had the expression of anger.

"Carmelita wouldn't be that irresponsible." Bentley told Sly.

"That's right," she said snotty as she went over to a chair and sat down. "I was totally protected. Randy was my ex-boyfriend."

Cooper, who was looking down at the ground, suddenly snapped his head up. Bentley, who once had a smug grin on his face, now had a scowl of distraught. And Murray heard the words "ex-boyfriend," and did not want to miss the drama. There was one reason why Carmelita's statement caused so much of a surprise for the Cooper Gang.

"Hold up there!" Cooper ordered as he turned around. This time, it was him who had his arms crossed and his foot tapping. "I didn't hear the word 'condom' in that sentence."

"He has been solvent since we broke up," she told him as she checked her fingernails. "We didn't need one."

Everyone in the gang had their mouths gapped open in horror as they stared at Carmelita. They couldn't believe what they just heard. At first they looked at each other, and then, they did something that caused Carmelita to cock her brow in confusion.

The whole gang laughed and started pointing at her.

* * *

_Old fight, better weapons. *tosses the randy grenade*_

* * *

As the gang tried to regain their breath, Cooper tried to speak. They were hysterical. Murray was laughing so hard he was crying. Bentley was rolling on the floor, laughing so hard, and clenching his stomach. Cooper placed his hands up in order for the gang to quiet down. He want them to hear what he was about to say.

"Okay," he said smirking. "Wait, wait, wait." Then he laughed again. Finally, the raccoon was able to control himself. "Carmelita, let me ask you one question. Did Randy sound something like this." And with that, Cooper gave forth his best impersonation of Randy.

"Carmelita, I've been just as upset as you are. In fact, I've been solvent since we broke up."

Carmelita's eyes widen in horror. His impersonation was dead on. Not only did Cooper sound exactly like Randy, Sly said the exact same thing. Suddenly, Carmelita was able to put two and two together, and got very angry. She didn't know how or when, but she was going to find Randy and kill him.

"That BASTARD!" she screamed.

Cooper knew that she fully understood what he meant by now, but he didn't stop his impersonation. He had a lot more to say about Randy. _A whole lot more._

"Maybe if I can get into a community college I can become a welder. Err." He impersonated

Carmelita finally got over her anger, and shook her head towards Sly in disappointment. "Now you're being the bastard." She told him.

Cooper suddenly got all serious.

"You know, I can forgive you for cheating. But what if you got pregnant with little convenience store clerk JR?"

Carmelita rose from her seat, and made threatening steps towards Cooper.

"I was on the pill." She told him. Suddenly, she got up close and personal with Sly, and when she said her next sentence she started poking him in the chest. "Was…Tiffany….on…..the…..pill? Huh? _Daddy?" _

_Bam. _That was the shot that sent fear and terror running through his system all at one. The truth was, Sly didn't actually know. After the whole Tiffany incident, he never even bothered to call. Since he didn't know, he could tell Carmelita that Tiffany was fully on the pill. But for some odd reason, Sly couldn't find the strength to lie. Instead, he said possibly one of the most stupid thing's any man has probably said in history.

"Aren't you all," he told Carmelita; referring to all women.

Carmelita's eyes widen, and her mouth gap open in shock.

* * *

_*fumbles with second grenade and drops it right below.* OH SHIT! FIRE IN THE HOLE!_

* * *

In the fore ground, Carmelita was currently unleashing a can of Whoop-ass on the raccoon. She was yelling and screaming everything she thought about Sly. In normal circumstances, she would have just told him what was bothering her at the moment. But the whole pill thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. She unleashed everything, not just from today, but from the entire past as well. She started out with the main topic (tiffany,) and then she got down to the good stuff, (hygiene; his breath smells, he needs to shave more, and disclaiming his manhood. (The classics))

In the back ground, Murray called up Penelope.

"I need to see your boss. We have a cookie issue." Murray told Penelope.

In the fore ground, Bentley finally had enough. He yelled "stop!" and broke up the fight. The couple turned their head towards the turtle.

"Listen," Bentley told them. "This fight is over and has been over a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore. Sure, both of you disgust me, but it doesn't matter."

Carmelita opened her mouth to retort, but then she finally regained her cool, and started to chill out.

"Bentley's right," she told Sly. "Why are you trying to restart this fight?"

"I'm not!" Sly screamed. And that's when he said it. "I hate this fight. I'll do anything not to have this fight. Hell, that's why I proposed in the first place,"

Sly suddenly covered his mouth, fully realizing what he just said. Carmelita's eyes and mouth widen in terror and shock. Cooper started to try to fix what he just said.

"I mean! I love you! You're the sunshine of my Life! Let's get married."

Carmelita smiled sarcastically in anger.

"We did," she told him. "And look," she proclaimed as she held up her hand. "Still no ring."

* * *

_There are certain thing's a woman never forgets._

_Her mother's birthday,_

_Her Ideal weight,_

_And when you propose to her and forget to buy her a ring._

_Like a dog with a bone, man. I mean, I already bought her a pearl necklace. What more does she want?_

_I found out later, in the long future when I actually got her a ring that women want ring's that piss other women off._

_It would sort of be like this._

_**My wife's friend #1 :**__ So what did you do the other day._

_**Carmelita**__: Check this shit out *holds up ring.*_

_**My wife's friend #2**__: Oh My God Girl!_

_**My wife's friend #1**__: Holly shit, is it real?_

_**Carmelita**__: Hell yeah._

_**My Wife's friend #1:**__ you got yourself a good man girl._

_**Carmelita**__: Thanks. *phone rings.* I got to go. See ya! *walks off*_

_**My wife's friends**__: By girl.*laughing.*_

_*door closes and Carmelita is gone.*_

_**My wife's friend**__: *stops laughing* Bitch._

_**My wife's friend #2**__: I'm telling you, she must either have no pubic bone or a filthy mouth cause there is no way that she can get a ring like THAT while being only nice and sweet._

_**My wife's friend #1: **__Exactly, she's got to be a whore in bed in order to get a ring like that. _

* * *

"Fine," Cooper declared. "Let's get a ring then."

"No, No" Carmelita stated sarcastically. "If you wanted to give me a ring, you've would have gotten me one. I don't need a fucking ring. I don't need a goddamn thing at all."

"Well," Bentley said as he looked down on his magazine while he sat on the couch. "You might need one thing." And with that, he threw the magazine down, and said the words that shot fear into the couple's hearts. "You need and HIV test."

Cooper's eyes widen; amazed by what he heard. He was so amazed in fact, that he didn't even know if he fully heard to turtle correctly."What?" he asked scared.

Carmelita, however, fully understood the situation. And while she was scared too, she fully knew the reasoning behind Bentley's statement.

"BENTLEY'S RIGHT!" she almost screamed in terror. "You didn't wear a condom."

"That means that when you too made love, Carmelita slept with everyone Tiffany slept with."

Carmelita's eyes widen in fear, and this time, she did fully scream.

"OH GOD!" she announced as her hands almost pulled out her hair in shock. Then she slapped Cooper on the chest. "THAT MEANS I'VE SLEPT WITH _EVERYBODY!" _

Cooper was frightened, mostly with the facts at hand. Bentley was right. Since he didn't wear a condom, Sly and Carmelita basically slept with everyone Tiffany slept with. And the fear of there might be HIV running through his veins, brought the Raccoon down to an emotional fear that almost made him cry. Instead of crying, however, he did the best he could to prove that there was no need for the test. He didn't want to know if he was going to die or not.

"Bentley," he asked. "Did you sleep with Tiffany?"

"NO!" Bentley shouted, pissed that even Cooper would assume something so awful.

"See," Cooper told his wife. Then he started to walk around the hospital trying to find people that didn't sleep with Tiffany. His first victim was a Doberman walking around from the waiting room to the counter.

"Hey, excuse me sir?" Sly asked the Doberman. The dog replied looking up. "Did you sleep with a waitress named Tiffany?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" The Dog replied.

Sly turned back to his wife. "See," Cooper told her. Then he walked around the rest of the doctor's office, and found another victim; an octopus who was sitting down in the waiting room.

"Did you sleep with a waitress named Tiffany?"

"What?"

"See," Cooper told his wife. Then, he found his last victim. It was a tiger walking across the room. The tiger walking across the room was not the best looking of Tigers. In fact, he looked like he fell off the ugly tree and hit ever branch on the way down. So this Tiger couldn't have possibly slept with Tiffany. Sly was sure of it.

"Hey sir," Sly asked the tiger, stopping him dead in his tracks. "Did you sleep with a poodle named Tiffany?"

"From the dinner?" the tiger asked; and then afterwards. "Hell yes."

Then the tiger walked off, leaving Sly dumbfounded, and Carmelita's mouth dropped open in shock. Her eyes were filled with fear, and when she screamed, there was no doubt that Carm was frightened.

"OH GOD!" she screamed. "THAT MEAN'S I SLEPT WITH HIM!"

"You need an HIV test!" Bentley ordered.

Cooper started trying to find any excuse to get him out of it. He was scared for his life. if he found out he had HIV, everything would changed. He liked his life just the way it was. But if he had HiV, that meant he was a dead man, and that his life would drastically changed. He flipped. He started jumping up and down and started yelling.

"Come on," he whined. "Six months….Solvent….w-w-waitress. Young, fresh….COME ON!"

* * *

_The Thevious Racoonest has a section on their dedicated to pain. I mean, if you hop around from roof top to roof top, eventually you're going to fall and bust you butt. The number one rule that the section teaches, is mind over matter. _

_Denial is a powerful weapon. As Long as no one minds, it doesn't matter. Pain and fear is all in your head, so don't think about it. Carmelita's dad taught her that as well. "It's all in your head. Don't think about it." _

_And it works to. _

* * *

"I'm not getting tested!" Sly demanded. And with that, Sly started to walk off. His path was blocked off by Carmelita's body. She looked like she was going to choke somebody.

"What is wrong with you?" Carmelita asked viciously.

Sly was running out of excuses, and fast at that. And from his next excuse, it was obvious to everybody that he was running out of excuses.

"What if getting tested causes the disease?" He proclaimed.

Everyone in the room raised a brow. This action was done if both confusion and bewilderment.

"What?" Bentley finally asked.

"It's like that cat scan thing," Sly replied nervously confident. "Everyone who has brain cancer has a cat scan. Maybe the cat scan causes the brain cancer."

"Are you that scared?" Carmelita asked amazed.

"Hey," Sly defended. "I'm not scared. This is not fear I'm displaying. If _I _have it then _I _don't want to know. That's called bravery." Again, everyone in the room corked a brow. "At least that's what the boys on Iwo Jima called it." When he said this statement, he puffed out his chest.

Bentley shook his head in disappointment. However, he did smile in amusement. It was actually kind of funny to see Sly this nervous.

"Well it sounds to me like stupidity." Bentley retorted.

Sly turned his face towards Bentley. His expression immediately changed. He looked so mad. He got up to about three inches away from Bentley's face, and started pushing the turtle to the back. All the while, acting like a gansta, spouting "What!"

"Sorry," Bentley immediately apologized in fear of his safety.

Sly turned to his wife and pointed at Bentley.

"See," he told the fox. "That is fear."

"That's pitiful." Carmelita stated.

Sly got right beside his turtle buddy; and hugged him as if Bentley was the victim.

"We're okay with that." Sly announced.

"No," Carmelita corrected the raccoon. "If you don't care enough to take the test, then why should I?"

Sly then acted like a three year old.

"Cause you're the girl," he whined.

Suddenly, Carmelita gasped. Her eyes widen in surprised in her hand was brought up to her mouth. It was like she just saw the messiah, but in actuality, she thought she figured in all out.

"OH, My God!" She spouted in amazement. "I totally get it now. _You're not any more responsible than your thievery blood line! And this time it's going to get me killed!"_

* * *

_That was the phrase that broke the straw on the camel's back. So I took the test out of pure anger._

_I still didn't believe that I had it. And here's my reasoning behind my confidence. _

_Since 1981, six million living things were gone in an instant. But, in the risk group, 6'2 Raccoons that had a one night stand with a poodle waitress; the chances of me getting it were like being struck by lightning, while being eaten by a shark, in a mall._

_Unfortunately, when the doctors were taking the blood, I felt like I was in the mall of America, swimming with the sharks, and there was a lightning storm going on outside._

* * *

The doctors pushed the raccoon out the door. They looked very monotone and non emotional. As they pushed Sly out the door, Sly staggered to his feet, and spouted "hey! Those are my test results!" Before the doctors slammed the door in his face.

He turned around and started pacing back in forth in the room. "This is an oddly violent hospital." The raccoon paced so fast, and was so jittery that it looked like he was about to have a stroke. All of his pacing was making Carmelita nervous. And it was getting on her nerves as well, to see Sly so nervous.

"Calm down," she ordered him. "You need to chill,"

"I'm chill as a cucumber," Sly told his wife; pacing.

Suddenly, Penelope burst through the doors of one hallway. In her hands, she carried the test results. When she spoke, Sly repeated every single word she said with more emphasis and volume.

"Bentley,"

"BENTLEY!"

"Murray,"

"MURRAY!"

"Carm,"

"CARM!"

"Shut up,"

"Sorry," Sly replied. Everyone reached into Penelope's hands and one by one, she handed them their test results. Bentley was up first, and when he breathed the sigh of relief, it was obvious that he was "negative" he told everybody.

Carmelita was next, and reached for her paper. When she read it, her hand touched her heart, as she smiled greatly. "Negative," she announced.

When it was the hippo's turn, and he saw the results, he immediately tossed the paper in the air, and began doing an arrangement of moonwalks, spin moves, and disco dance moves; all the while, shouting "NEAGATIVE!"

After Sly was done watching the Pink hippo dance, he turned back to Penelope. Suddenly, Sly felt all giddy again. Everyone else was negative, so why should his results not be the same? He felt more excited than nervous, and he was acting all giddy. He jumped up and down in anticipation, as he got closer and closer to Penelope's clip board. Carmelita stood by his side, and placed her hands on his shoulder; anticipated as well. As Cooper jumped up and down, he spoke as well in anticipation. "All right. This is it, and the winner is…"

He reached over to grab Penelope's clip board, when suddenly, she jerked the board back. _What the?_

And that's when she said it.

"We need to retest you," Penelope stated.

* * *

_**in my mind: **__OH GOD! THE SHARK JUST BIT MY LEG!_

* * *

If Sly was pacing a lot before, then right now he was having a full on stroke. He was walking back and forth across the waiting room so fast, that he caused the air to heat do to his friction. He was just a blur pacing back and forth across the room. This really didn't tick off Carmelita as much. She had a lot more on her mind right now; like Sly could in fact have HIV. Finally after 30 full minutes of doing nothing but pacing, and waiting for the results of his second test, Sly broke the silence.

"Oh Man," he said very angry with his teeth grinding together. "I bet they're back there right now 'So who gets to tell the Raccoon he's a dead man.'"

Bentley, who was in deep thought right now, decided to add his two cents to the conversation as well.

"Well," he said as he rubbed his temples together. "Let's just say you have it."

Sly suddenly screamed and jumped.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" Cooper yelled. Sly was one of those people who was very superstitious about Jinxing someone.

"Well, it's not a death sentence." Bentley proclaimed.

"DON'T SAY THAT AS WELL!" Sly screamed.

"I mean these days with the drugs you could live for years,"

Sly suddenly turned to his wife. The Raccoon jumped up and down franticly. His hands flapping about and nervousness was spread across his face, along with wide eyes and nervous sweat.

"HONEY!" he screamed to Carmelita. "PLEASE MAKE HIM SHUT UP!"

Carmelita sprang to her feet and got right up to Bentley's face.

"Bentley," she whined as she motioned her hand towards Sly, "What do you think you're doing? He doesn't have it, it's just a test." Then she got up to about only 2 inches away, and whispered viciously, "would you please shut the fuck up."

Bentley whispered back to her as well. Although, he didn't whisper quietly enough, for Sly could her every single word he said.

"Look," Bentley stated. "If it comes back positive then he has to be prepared."

"AHH!" Cooper screamed in fear. "HONEY, HELP ME!"

Cooper started circling around the room quickly. He circled so fast that he almost caused a tornado. Carmelita knew that if Sly wasn't going to die of HIV, he was going to die of a stroke. She needed to calm him down, and fast. But the only way to do that was to make Bentley shut up. So, she went for an old tactic that Sly and Murray used. So, Carmelita suddenly gasped as she looked at Bentley, and pointed at his face.

"Hey Bentley?" She asked. "Has that mole on the side of your face always been misshapen and purple?"

Immediately, Bentley's eyes widen in fear, and he ran off to the nearest restroom, trying to find a mirror.

* * *

_Bentley is a hypochondriac. I remember one time, in the happy camper's orphanage, when the Red Cross came to the orphanage to give us shots, he traded his unlimited addition favorite comic books, to get in the vaccination line twice._

_And his hypochondria antics not only apply to his youth._

_About three days ago, Bentley took his shell half off to show us his chest. He told us that he felt a lump._

_It was his nipple._

* * *

When Bentley came back, he was so pissed that he sat down on the couch, and no longer wanted to talk to anybody. _Mission accomplished, _thought Carmelita. She turned back to her husband and held his hands. She gave him the reassuring look that everything was going to be all right, and kissed him on the cheek. Sly still however, had the look of fear in his eyes. So Carmelita spoke to him, trying to sooth his nerves.

"Honey," she commanded as she held his hand. "Just relax. You don't have it. You're fine." As she reassured him and tried to boost his confidence, she directed him over to the couch. Then they both sat on it. Sly was so nervous that he actually started curling into the fetal position. He gave off nervous laughter as he did this.

"You right," he nervously laughed as he curled himself into a ball. "I don't have this. I am freaking out for no reason." Then, as he curled more into a ball, he laid his head on Carmelita's back, and sat on his side. Soon, his whole body was on her lap in a circle. She reminded him of a pet that was sitting on his or her owner's lap. Sly was now like this, completely resting his head and body on her lap and thighs. Carmelita replied, by cautiously stroking his cheek and fur. Sometimes, she played with his ears, and he would reply with a small chuckle.

Everything was going so well. Carmelita was cautiously stroking Sly, and Sly was sitting on her like a lap dog. He seemed so cuddle and cute when he was looking for warmth. And Carmelita was applying that warmth. It was all going smoothly.

Leave it to Ken to appear out of nowhere, and ruin something so tender.

"I heard you've got the aids." Ken said to Cooper.

Immediately, The Raccoon flinched up, and started to cry. Carmelita looked up at Ken in disbelief and shock. _First of all _she thought. _Where the hell did my dad come from? And secondly, why the hell does he have to ruin something so tender?_

As Carmelita's mouth hang open in shock, Ken was called to the table by Penelope.

"Hey Ken," Penelope stated.

"Hey Pen," Ken called her. "What's up?"

They replied by bumping fist and creating a little explosion with their hands. While they fist bumped, Cooper rose from his crying position, and entered the anger mode. He walked over to Penelope, with righteous fury and talked to her while pointing.

"You told him we were getting tested?" he said out of disbelief.

"He's my praking buddy." She replied laughing. "Of course I told him. Besides with enough pestering on trying to find some good material to use on you guys, I would have had to tell him eventually."

* * *

_Carmelita's dad, Ken, thrives on fear._

_You know that bedtime prayer, "If I should die before I wake?"_

_Carmelita told me she had bed sheets that said that._

* * *

Cooper was currently unloading a can of whoop-ass on Penelope. Carmelita did the same as well. They shouted at Penelope about how come there were some things you didn't say to friends. And they asked her multiple questions, such as why the hell did she have to tell Ken about one of Ken's deepest darkest secrets.

"I mean," Sly shouted. "Seriously, how irresponsible are you?"

And that's when Penelope finally got fed up with Sly and Carmelita's constant bitching.

"At least I didn't Tell Ken that you two cheated on each other."

Cooper and Carmelita opened there mouths in shock. Ken opened his eyes in shock, and they grew wider and wider as Ken processed the information he just receive. Then suddenly, he started laughing. It was that thunderous laughter that Sly thought only gods had. It came deep within his chest and thundered out in like bellows. And it scared the shit out of the couple. Once Ken stopped laughing, he paraded over to Bentley and started to tease him.

"So Bentley," he stated. "You finally turned him."

Penelope was shocked by this statement. It was unbelievable how Ken was on her side for one minute, and then the next minute, he was teasing her boyfriend about his sexuality. Bentley stood up, mad as hell, and began a to unleash a tirade upon Ken.

"I'm not gay!" Bentley whined.

"Nice purse," Ken commented noticing that he held Penelope's purse by his side.

Bentley then did the unthinkable. He threw the purse at Ken. Penelope was shocked as well. Suddenly, Bentley started to walk away, but not before he gave away his rebuttal. "You know what?" Bentley shouted. "You all make me sick. You know, a man who has been married five times is questioning my manhood? And you, Sly and Carm; cheating on each other? You make me sick." Then he took Penelope by her hands and kissed her. "Let's go home baby," he told her.

"I can't" she told him.

"why not," he asked her.

And then she went near his ear and whisper. What she told him rocked his world. It was so astounding, yet so believable, and at the same time, it was downright horrible. However, he fully understood what had to be done. When he turned around, and looked at Sly, he looked at the Raccoon as if her were a ghost. He had that look of death and disbelief, as if this was Cooper's life was about to end shortly.

This look struck fear into Cooper's heart. So when Bentley walked away, he began his pacing again. While he did this, Ken spoke to Carmelita.

"So daughter," he stated. "We had the cheating talk and we had the rubber talk. When you cheat, tell him to wear a rubber." Ken then turned his head towards Penelope. "She never listens." He told her.

* * *

_A normal father spends years trying to tell his child about the birds and the bees._

_Carmelita's dad gave her a 30 second lesson in a truck stop, on the way to Vegas._

* * *

"Did you come here just to hassle us?" she asked her father.

"No," Ken stated. "I came here for my heart medication. I came here half an hour early though just to hassle you."

Sly was still pacing back and forth in the room. The speed was so tremendous that it almost caused the earth to quake. This constant pacing eventually caught Ken's eyes. "I think he'll need my medication," he told Carmelita. Sly looked up. He then placed his hands up, to signal stop, and slowly sat down on the couch.

"Ken," he told him as calmly as he could. "I don't need this right now. Please, this is a very dark moment for me and I don't want you hassling me."

Ken sighed, knowing the ringtail was right. "Whatever," Ken told him. "Look, I just want you to know, if you do have it, when my daughter bails, you can live with me."

Carmelita was flabbergasted by this statement. She wanted to floor her dad right here right now. But what caused her the most shock of all, was her husband's reaction. Sly didn't tell Ken off, he didn't punch Ken, nor did he get in his face. Instead, when Ken made his obscene offer, Cooper looked straight up into Ken's eyes, surprised, and stated. "Wow, thanks Ken. That's really thoughtful."

Carmelita flipped.

"WHAT!" she screamed. She almost pulled her hair out. This was insane. "I'm not going to bail."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Ken mumbled as he shook his head back and forth. "Carmelita, you don't get it do you. You are a terrific person on the surface, but deep down you're a woman. And women _leave." _And with that, Ken walked off, stating, "Goodbye," and left.

Carmelita almost chased after her dad. She hated it when she never got the last word; epically when it came to subjects like this. What her dad said was a big steaming bowl of bullshit. She would never leave. Never.

But then, that little voice struck. It's that little voice that strikes everyone. It's that little voice that talks to you when you're on a ledge and it says 'jump. You can fly.' And this time, what her little voice was telling her was, 'never? Are you sure? I mean, after all, he has aids.'

Carmelita looked back at Sly. The raccoon was in deep thought. He stared straight ahead at the wall in the waiting room. He looked as even though his physical body was not moving, his soul was sliding every which way and direction. He was thinking really hard. He was processing information. The time was near. In only a few short minutes, Sly was going to find out if he was a dead man or not.

And, it was also at this moment that Carmelita decided to give a test. She had to know if she could do it. Could she, if she had to, love someone who was going to die. The emotional turmoil would be great, but if Cooper passed this next test, then she would know if in the end, all that suffering would be worth it.

She sat down by his side, and placed her hands on his hands.

"We both know that I would take care of you, right?"

Cooper looked at his wife, and tightened his grip on her hands, symbolizing that he understood and loved her. "Yes," he replied timid. He had fear for he knew the time was short.

"I would do anything for you." Carmelita told him.

"So would I," he told her.

"There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you."

Cooper this time blushed. Love was starting to seep through his veins. To know that this women loved him that much, meant so much to him as well.

However, what came next was a shocker.

"And if one of us has to have it," she told him. "I'd rather it be me."

Cooper's eyes widen. He wasn't prepared for Carmelita to make that statement. He had no lines what so ever to make her love him more. What the hell was he suppose to say? 'no I want the HIV?' he was lost for words. So what he did was he tightened his grip, and stated "Thank you."

Carmelita almost furrowed her brows. That was not what she expected to hear. Maybe it was a slip up. So she tried once more.

"And?" she asked lingering.

"A lot." He said.

Carmelita could have hit herself in embarrassment. Didn't Sly get what the hell she wanted him to say? So she decided to give him a little hint.

"Okay, Sly" she said calm; trying not to burst out in anger. "This is one of those 'I love you things'. You know, where I say I love you and you say I love you back. Okay." She placed her hands on his hands again, and tried for a round to.

"I'd die for you." She told him.

"I love you to." He replied.

"And?"

"A lot?"

That was when she lost it. Maybe it was the fact that cooper acted so stupid, or maybe it was lingering hatred from her father minutes ago. Whatever it was, she finally got pissed, and growling in frustration, she began to yell.

"DAMMIT SLY. YOUR SUPPOSE TO SAY YOU'LL DIE FOR ME!"

* * *

_Die for her? I don't know. When we were on the island, that was just impulse. I didn't do it knowing I would die, it's just was in my instinct to protect Carmelita in any way I could. And I would still protect her to this day. I love her._

_But die for her? That's a question for when you've been married for 50 years and you're 80. You're sitting on the porch together, rocking, and then you realize you can only afford medication for one more year._

* * *

If you remember how mad Carmelita was when Sly told her that he was faking amnesia, this was that level of anger, times ten. Luckily, she had enough common sense to go smashing anything. But all of her anger was projected through her voice. She got up from the couch, repulsed at what her husband just said. She looked at him like he was a peasant, and when she spoke, she yelled with righteous furry.

"WHAT THE HELL HAVE WE BEEN DOING THE LAST TWO YEARS!" she yelled. And then she walked over to a chair, grabbed her purse, and was about ready to storm out. Yes, she knew that if she did this, it would make her father right. But honestly, she didn't give two shits about that now. She was mad. She needed time; time away from her god-awful husband. And if she had to, and with the anger pumping through her she really wanted to, she would leave him for good.

But as soon as she touch her purse, a voice rang from the office door. It was Penelope, and she had the look of sadness in her eyes as she opened the doctor's office door, and called for Cooper.

"Sly," the mouse yelled. "The doctor would like to see you know."

It was as if the bell rang in his heart. It was time. The moment was here. He knew it. There would be no other reason for a doctor to see a patient about his or her test results unless it was something bad. And for the raccoon, that meant death. He turned to see his wife, who also had the same look on her face. It was an all knowing, nervous look. But at the same time, her look was also accompanied by disappointment. Why would that be? Cooper found out, only moments later, when his wife sat her purse down slowly, walked over to Sly and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm sorry," she stated trying to hold back tears. "I'd never leave you."

"I'd never leave you either." He told her while kissing her neck.

They stopped kissing. And turned to face the door. To one's ordinary eye, it looked like a simple, plain, and overused office door. But for Sly, this was the door of death. He back out of it now, and live the rest of his life in ignorance. After all, the saying goes 'ignorance is bliss.' However, that would not be the honorable approach. The honorable, noble, and brave thing to do was to go in there, knowing fully that he was going to die, and face the news like a man.

But he needed a partner.

He interwove his hand with Carmelita's.

"Let's do this," he said. "Together."

Carmelita smiled; knowing that she would never leave his side, even in moments of stress, just like today.

"Yeah," she replied. "Let's do this."

Then they walked towards the door. It wasn't a long walk. It was only three steps. However, it seemed like an eternity to get there. And with each step, the couple counted them off.

3….

2…..

1….

And then they opened the door.

* * *

They proceeded in the room with caution. They took in their surroundings. It was a normal doctor's office. It had medical photos on the wall, and degrees in medicine placed in frames. But there was one important element missing. A doctor. There was no doctor in sight. Where could he be? Suddenly, as Cooper looked around the small room, on impulse, trying to find a doctor, both him and Carmelita heard a scream. The scream was so loud, and so sudden, that it caused both of them to scream. They turned to find that the source of the scream was none other than, Ken. The Father Fox was now pointing at Sly, clenching his gut, and laughing his head off.

"NEAGATIVE!" Ken announced.

After that, Penelope came out behind the curtain where Ken jumped from, and proceeded to laugh and point as well.

"Ah man," she said. "You should've seen the look on your face."

Carmelita was confused. She tried taking all of the information she was receiving. Sly however, fully knew what happened, but was so pissed off, that he was confused as well. It looked like steam was erupting from his ears, and then he proceeded to yell at Ken.

"WHAT!" Cooper screamed.

Ken paid no attention.

"Thanks for the assists, Penelope."

"Any time," she replied to Ken.

Sly was downright furious.

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME ALL THIS TIME THAT THERE WAS NO DOCTOR."

"Of course there was no doctor you twit," Ken replied. "You're negative."

"YOU SET THIS UP?"

"No," Ken replied. "I only wish. Penelope set this up, I was just the closer."

Carmelita stood in the background, rubbing her temples. She was trying to make sense of all this. So far, what she knew was the truth, but it seemed downright evil. Apparently, Sly was negative all this time, and Penelope held the information back just to pull a practical joke. She was relieved that her husband was negative.

However, it took Sly a few seconds to finally get the message.

"So I'm Negative?" he asked Penelope.

"Yes," she replied.

"YEAH!" Cooper screamed in victory. He proceeded to laugh in triumph. Relief rushed over him like a tsunami. He was going to be fine. However, his laughs in victory soon turned into breaths of fear. For now, as he curled into the cot, he had a new fear.

"I'm no longer afraid of diseases." Sly told everyone. Then he pointed at Ken. "But now I'm afraid of you."

"Well that's healthy," Ken replied.

Now, that Carmelita fully understood what was going on, and what happened. She wasn't surprised. Her father was a monster and she knew it. Still, this was almost downright sadistic. So she had to ask.

"Dad," she began. "Do you have any other speed besides 'Satan'?"

Again, Ken began to defend himself. He shook his head once more, and gave off his three "tsks" in disappointment. Then he told Carmelita exactly why he decided to do this. "Carm," he began to tell his daughter, "None of you ever listen to me. It's not enough just to tell you to cheat responsibly, but now I have to tell him to?"

That set Carmelita off on a tirade. She yelled and screamed and stamped her feet. She almost acted like a two year old. But she had finally cracked under enormous stress. She was about to give her father a piece of her mind.

"My husband," she began yelling. "Your Son-in-law practically dragged us here and forced us all to give blood. So when you little, small, evil, black heart stops you won't die."

Ken's eyes widen; amazed. He turned around to Sly, looking for an answer.

"Is that true boy?" he asked Sly.

"Yeah," he replied timid.

Ken straightened his shoulders.

"Whatever." He replied. He then looked back and forth between his daughter, and his Son-in-law. "I just wanted to make sure, that he's ready for when you leave."

Again, Carmelita lost all of her patients, and burst out on her dad. "THE ONLY FUCKING REASON THAT I WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING HIM, IS BECAUSE I'D HAVE TO VISITS YOU MORE OFTEN YOU EVIL, MANIPULATIVE, SADISTIC, DRUKNE BASTARD!"

Ken's eyes now widened due to what her daughter just said to her father. But he later just shrugged at this, and turned to Sly.

"See," he replied. "I'd told you she'd leave."

Now that was the straw that broke the Camel on Sly's back. He frankly had enough of Ken. This guy, even though he was his father-in-law, was a bitch. He acted like an asshole, and he tried to put up with it. But going out and saying that his wife would abandon him? That was enough. Sly had enough, and now the raccoon was going to give ken a piece of _his _mind. He flew from his chair, got only three feet away from Ken, and started to poke him hardly.

"Hey!" he screamed. "Now you listen to me you bitch. She's not going anywhere. And that pisses you off because you've _never _had a girl like that. Ha, ha. You've never had a woman that you loved enough to _die _for."

Carmelita immediately picked up her eyes when he said that word. _Did he just say…?_

"Wow," Carmelita replied while Sly was in midsentence. "Really?"

Sly held up a finger. "Give me a second." He told her. And then he finished his rant.

"Say, or do, whatever the hell you want to say or do to me, but if you ever bad mouth your daughter again, while I'm around, you're going to need a lot more blood donated for you."

Ken got up to Sly's face. A creepy chill went up his spine. Sly now thought he was done for. Ken was going to beat him up for sure. Ken had the look on his face. It was stone serious, and it seemed like Ken could just Kill Sly with only his stare. Sly winced and braced himself for impact. He thought Ken was going to kill him.

Instead, Ken smiled.

"Jeez," he stated. "Lighten up, it was only a joke." Ken then walked towards the door, and took Penelope with him. "Come on Pen. It seems that the wussy has feelings." And with that, Both Ken and Penelope left the room, leaving Carmelita and Sly alone in the room together.

"Can I talk now?" Carmelita asked Sarcasticly.

Suddenly, Sly remembered how he reacted earlier, and began to apologize.

"Oh god," he began. "I'm so sorry. What is it my dear sweet love?"

Carmelita blushed for a bit when Sly said this. Then she remembered what she wanted to talk to Sly about, and got all business. "I just want to check something." She stated as she held his hands and looked into his eyes.

Then she said it.

'I'd die for you,"

"And I'd die for you too," Sly said out of impulse.

When Sly said this, he was looking at his wife's hand. He noticed that she was right, there was no ring. And women like Carmelita deserves the finest ring in the world, he thought. When he looked up, he saw his wife's face. She was simply flattered. She held her hand up to her chest, and tried to hold back tears of joy as she fluttered her eyes.

Then, Sly remembered what he said.

He grew a large smile, and held out his hands, welcoming his lover into an embrace.

"Huh?" Sly stated. "See. I can do this marriage stuff to." And with that he kissed her. Sly loved this. She seemed so happy and flattered. So why stop here he thought. He then looked at her straight in the eyes, and said this.

"Later, today, I'm going to go to that store and buy you that ring you always wanted."

Her reaction was completely different. This time, instead of being flattered, she was either annoyed, or sad. She had that look on her face that seemed like her friend told her what she was getting for Carm's birthday.

"Don't tell me," she whined. "Surprise me. Jesus Sly. You may be a hell of a good flirt, but when it comes to this marriage stuff, you suck."

Carmelita and Sly then walked out of the room together. Both of them were completely exhausted. It had been a long day, filled with much struggle, stress, turns, and twist. This left Sly as a mess. All he wanted to do now was eat some supper, bang his wife, and then hit the sack. _There is one silver lining _the ringtail thought. _This day can't get anymore worse._

Sly, unfortunately, thought this thought to soon. For as they were walking away, the couple heard this.

"Sly?" a female voice stated.

Sly stopped dead in his tracks. He totally recognized the voice. His heart pounded with fear, and he began to sweat.

Carmelita, however, turned around. She saw a teenage poodle girl. She was around medium height, and, like most poodle girls, had white fur. She was a good looking girl. She had a cute face and a great body, but what Carmelita noticed that stood out, was that her stomach was round. Round with child.

Suddenly, the poodle girl looked at Carmelita with furrowed brows.

"Who's this?" the poodle asked; looking at Carmelita.

Sly, slowly turned around, and faced his fears. His heart was up in his throat, and he felt that with each passing second, he was going to explode with panic. But what sent a jolt of fear right through him, was when he noticed that the girl's stomach was round with child.

Then, Cooper remembered the girl's question.

"This is my wife," he told the girl. "Carmelita."

Carmelita cocked a brow. She wondered who this girl was, and how she knew cooper.

"Who's this?" Carmelita asked

Sly knew that this question was coming, but he was so frightened that he didn't know how to say it. When he spoke he stuttered. He couldn't pay attention because half of his focus was on the round tummy. When Sly had to say the identity of this girl, he knew it wasn't going to be easy. "This….i-i-sss…..t-t-t-this is." And finally, Cooper braced himself for impact, and told Carmelita that his Poodle, who was pregnant, was none other than…

"Tiffany. The waitress."

Carmelita mouth hung open in shock. She had two thought going through her mind. 1, so this was Tiffany. And number 2, Tiffany's stomach.

Finally, the pressure was too much. So Sly, pointed at Tiffany's stomach, and blurted the question that was on everyone's mind. "WHO THE HELL IS THAT?" he yelled pointing at her stomach.

Tiffany laughed and rubbed her belly.

"Don't worry Sly," she told him. "You're not the father."

Sly broke down into a dance, and cheered into the heavens.

"HA! IN YOUR FACE!" suddenly, Sly remembered that he was talking to a pregnant woman. "I mean uh….congratulations."

Tiffany was not offended by this; neither was Carmelita or Sly for that matter. A huge wave of relief rushed over the. Knowing that Sly was not going to be a father just yet, made them calm and at ease. Sly could now, finally have peace.

Suddenly, a thought jumped into his mind.

"Wait?" Sly asked Tiffany. "Who is the father?"

And that's when Sly heard it. It was footsteps. They seemed to get closer to the room. And someone was walking towards them. The person spoke as he walked, and what made Sly shiver in fear more, was that he recognized that voice as well. It was very thick in a French accent.

"Hey honey. I went to the store to try to fine you that honey you want, but it cost way too much." Dimitri stated. "Hey Tiffany! Look. It's cracker box."

* * *

_How far would you go for someone you love? _

_Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say "I told her that I'd die for her."_

_Of course, after that I'll have to say. "And then I tried to run away when I found out one of my friends did my last girlfriends before their grandma and got her pregnant. And that grandma was in the room when I found this out."_

_You never know when you're making a memory._

* * *

**Wow! Long chapter. Sorry for the wait. Softball has been on a pretty tight schedule, and I had to learn how to drive my parent's vehicle since I got my permit. I am now officially 15, and able to drive legally on the roads with a parent or guardian. If I ever say I'm near your town, you might want to boost your insurance.**

**I really hope you enjoyed.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**NO SERIOUSLY! PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Thank you all so much.**

**Chapter preview: Titus episode: Tommy's crush prt.2**


	8. Look at who Dimitri's dating

**Here is the next chapter. Thanks for the positive feedback for the last one. Updates have been a while, mainly because of our high school marching band, and because of my other story, Apollo. Anyways, thanks for the reviews, and if I can get 7 for this chapter, I'll begin work for the other one. **

**Prologue: **

_When you're a thieve, you're already screwed up. It's an amount of how screwed up you are that counts. If you're a really screwed up thieve, sort of like me, you have a job to keep your non-screwed up thieves (Bentley, Murray, Dimitri, Penelope, Carmelita, ect) intact. YOU have to ride shot gun in their lives and protect them. Because non crazy thieves, are easily manipulated. Non-screwed up thieves are fricking LUCKY, to have thieves like me. I've had to save Bentley from bullies at the orphanage, to body guards at Rjan's palace. I've had to save Murray countless times from many villains. Now that I'm married to Carmelita, I'm constantly protecting her from her dad, (even though I know she can whip his ass) and I have to save Penelope from the depression of the single life by pairing her and Bentley back together. _

_But Dimitri…..well…..he has this sort of….gift, if you will. _

_My friend Dimitri is possibly one of the most perverted animals on the face of the earth. If it has two legs, female reproductive organs, and it walks, Dimitri will immediately start dry humping it. _

_It's my duty, as his friends, to make sure he doesn't get to deep (pun intended) with nasty girls. And I know that I probably shouldn't be talking; I mean, I've had my shares of one night stands, threesomes, and all sorts of crazy sexual shit happen to me in my past, but I think I at least have some morals. Dimitri doesn't give a damn. He's basically a walking, talking, humping machine. He'll screw any women as long as the price is right (pun intended again.) _

_I once had to fricking save him from a GIANTESS. _

_When I hear 'fee fi foe thum' I'm the guy who has Dimitri's back. _

_But the problem with being a screwed up thieve is that nobody has my back except from the other screwed up people wince I came. And their dead, so I have nobody. But at least I have Carmelita. She's so beautiful and precious to me. And I love her so much. Unfortunately, I had to screw that shit up as well. _

* * *

**FLASHBACK TO THE FIRST CHAPTER. (takes place between the actual break up and the getting back together.)**

Cooper promised himself, long ago, that he would never cry over another women. He did once before, long ago when he had his first love, but he swore to himself to never do that again. There's just no logical use for it. Once a relationship is over, it's over, and while it seems like it was nothing but wasted time, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

But now, Cooper was indeed crying. To make matters worse, he was crying in front of one of his friends. After getting kicked out of his apartment, and having the one night stand with Tiffany, Cooper took emotion shelter in Dimitri's apartment, which was about two miles from where Cooper preformed the deed. If you told Cooper that he'd be crying after sex one day, he'd ask you what you were smoking, and where he could get it. But now, here it was; The ringtail was crying about a dirty deed, which he preformed just moments after his break up with Carmelita.

"I screwed up so bad!" he cried as he buried his head into the couch, tears running down his cheeks.

Dimitri didn't pay one bit of attention to what cooper was talking about, until the ringtail started talking about this waitress 'Tiffany.'

"Was she hot?" Dimitri asked.

Cooper threw a couch cushion at the lizard. "Damn it Dimitri!" he shouted. "Don't you have a soul? I break up with my one love and I dishonor her by sleeping with a waitress!"

"I know," Dimitri stated. "I care. I'm just asking…..did she have a nice rack?"

"Screw you!" Cooper shouted as he cried more tears.

"Did She?"

"I'm not answering this!"

"c'mon!" Dimitri whined. "Just tell me."

Cooper sighed angry. He knew that Dimitri wouldn't give up unless he told the lizard the truth. So, swallowing what little bit of pride he had left at the moment, he told him.

"She was…possibly a D-cup. I'm not sure."

Dimitri's ears suddenly snapped to attention, his tail pointed straight into the air, and his hormones started screaming.

"Say what?" Dimitri stated surprised and excited.

"I SAID SHE WAS A D CUP! NOW CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Dimitri did indeed leave the ringtail alone. In fact, it seemed that the Lizard couldn't wait to just bust out of the apartment and leave Cooper to his peace. Dimitri was literally sprinting out the door, and Cooper didn't know why. If the raccoon would have tried to listen more, he would have heard it.

"Oh man..." Dimitri moaned like a horny teenager. "I got to get me some fricking pie!"

* * *

_It's my job to protect Dimitri no matter what the odds. Do I like him? Not that much to tell you the truth. But he is my friend and I have to protect him. So when Dimitri stopped talking to me about 3 weeks ago, he could have been dating another giant, or a Siamese twin cat, or a head with a foot, it could have been fricking anything. So when he invited me and my wife to dinner, I thought, 'What the hell, I have to know who he's with ever since I saw him with Tiffany, I got to know who it is this time."_

_Why did it still have to be TIFFANY!_

* * *

**PRESENT TIME. **

Cooper wanted to hide away in a shell. Cooper wanted to disappear into oblivion. Cooper wanted to just turn into a grain of salt and float away in the win. The problem was, he couldn't just turn into a grain of salt, and it seems impossible for win to enter a restaurant. So Cooper had to take it, even though he wasn't taking it like a man. He was shaking in his core, and was hoping for escape. For today, on this day of terrible days, Carmelita and he were going to have dinner with…..

"Well" Carmelita stated sarcastically. On the inside, she was furious. "Look at who Dimitri's dating." She then turned her head and spat on the name as if it were vile, and raised her voice with each syllable. "TIFFANY!"

Cooper had to slightly turn to look at the horror. In front of him was a somewhat confused Dimitri, and an even more confused poodle waitress by the name of Tiffany. She was trying to analyze what the hell was going on. She knew some details, like who Cooper was and that he was married, but who was this fox with the purple hair, and why was she so pissed?

Cooper fully knew everything. He fully knew of the horror that was going to spill out in any second, but he also knew that there was no escape. Still, he tried to find an escape, and that came in the form of a question.

"T-t-t-Tiff-uh…..who?" Cooper fearsomely replied.

Carmelita turned back to Cooper. She gave him that black hole, all ends, death stare. It was the type of stare that would leave a man withered and dead, and the type of stare that would scare even the toughest of bulldogs.

"It's the girl that you cheated on me with," She angrily replied through teeth clinched in fury.

Cooper had to try and pretend that he didn't even know. "O-o-h-h-h…..oh,' he replied. Then he tried to act somewhat kind and unafraid. 's-s-so that's where I know you from. It's just I never seen you so…..so…"

Carmelita took the words out of his mouth, even though they were words he didn't want to be repeated. "Vertical?" she inquired.

He punished himself via slap to his own forehead. It was going to be a long day.

**Chapter eight: Look at who Dimitri's dating.**

Dimitri was felt somewhat awkward. Tiffany felt really awkward. Was it as awkward as when they met at the hospital…..no. but it was still pretty awkward. Add that to the fact that Carmelita was going to stay with them for a full dinner, and that Murray and Melinda were drawn in to the mix (Sly invited them. He had no clue Tiffany would be there) you had an uncomfortable dish served up with a side of scared shitless. And Cooper felt the same way.

"So-s-so?" Sly asked, trying to make sure there was no silence in the air. "Dimitri…..you're dating Tiffany." And then he blurted it out. "There's like 5 billion women on the earth, were they all taken?"

Carmelita couldn't have agreed more. In fact, she wanted to get out of the place as fast as possible.

"C'mon Sly," She stated directing her man. "I'm not eating at the house of sluts."

"They seem to have great pie," Murray announced.

Sly turned around to give Murray a 'what the fuck?' stare, but then his vision was blocked by a reassuring Dimitri. And strangely, he seemed very apologetic.

"Please stay," The lizard asked. "Don't go. Come on. You guys are already here. Just say. We can all get to know each other."

To say that Carmelita was pissed, would have been an understatement.

"Dimitri!" she almost screamed. "That whore slept with my husband. I already know her."

"Me too," Sly stated out loud to himself.

"I'm very sorry," Tiffany stated. "I had no clue what was going on at the time, and I am very sorry for what has happened."

"She's apologizing for screwing Sly," Murray told Melinda.

"Murray!" Sly groaned.

"Well hey," Murray defended himself. "I have to bring Melinda up to date. She's new."

Carmelita tugged on Sly's sleeve, symbolizing him to leave. Sly replied, and they started to leave. But Tiffany wasn't going to have it that way. She knew was one of those people that thought that the only way to solve conflict, was to make peace through conversation. And if Cooper and Carmelita were about to leave, then that would mean there would be no conversation. Plus…..she had some things up her sleeve.

"You know what?" she announced to them. "I'm the manager of this place and you guys look hungry. I'll set up a table and some drinks right now. It's on the house"

Carmelita's head perked up at this. Before Tiffany left, she extended her hand for a hand shake. "Why thank you," she stated happy. "That sounds nice, thank you."

Tiffany smiled, thinking that she just resolved the conflict, and went off to do her job.

Once Tiffany was away, Carmelita turned around and gave off her real feelings.

"Look at that. Isn't it just like her to give it away for free!" she exclaimed.

Carmelita lost it. "Damn it Sly! Your mistake is going to haunt us for the rest of our lives."

Sly came up to his wife, and placed a caring hand on her shoulder. "….I know it will." he said. "But you know what, It's may October 19th right? So every October 19th you can just spend the whole day ripping my ass. It will be national rip Sly's ass day."

* * *

_NEVER. SCREW. CARMELITA. OVER! _

_She hangs on to everything. She has the sass of a tigress, and the memory of an elephant. She's exactly like Buddha._

_If Buddha was vengeful and laid down a whole lot of whop-ass. _

* * *

It was taking Tiffany a while to set up the tables. That meant there was enough time for Sly and Carmelita to leave. Before they left however, Sly added one more word of advice.

"Well," Sly said sarcastically. "Let's do something uncomfortable again. Call us when you start dating CAREMLITA'S MOM!" and with that, they tried to walk off. Dimitri tried to stop them.

"Please stay." Dimitri stated. "Listen Crackerbox. I've spent a lot of day and nights with this women for the past 3 months. She's the mother of my child and all I want is for two very important people in my life to be happy with each other."

"Oh," Sly replied viciously with sarcasm. "And I wished Dogs crapped chocolate Ice Cream!"

"Wait!" Murray stated in the back ground surprised. "Dog's crap ice cream?"

Sly didn't hear Murray's comment. He was so wrapped up in anger that he didn't hear a thing. In fact, he didn't even hear himself say the next few words. These next few words just flew out of his mouth. They were in his mind; just sitting there and waiting to be created as a sentence. And when he spoke these words, they changed the rest of the day.

"Dimitiri" Sly stated. "The only reason that Tiffany is going out with you, is because she is fully 100 percent obsessed with me." He turned and kissed his wife on the cheek. "Let's go," and with that he tried to walk towards the door.

But then he ended up getting stopped. He realized that he was tugging on Carm's arm, and she wasn't moving. In fact she looked strange. Like she was thinking.

Carmelita was really confused. So was Dimitri. Carmelita couldn't believe the words that just came out of Sly's mouth.

Cooper had no clue, so he didn't know what was going on in her head. So he began to tug on her arm again. Still, she stood stone solid and confused. "What's wrong?"

"Obsessed?" Carmelita asked. If Cooper could read her thoughts, he would have known that she asked this questioned out of confusion over the reasoning of the word. As if to ask, 'Do you really think she's obsessed over you? You have a big ass ego'

Of course, Cooper couldn't read minds, so he thought that she had no clue what he was talking about. When he replied, it sounded stuffy and self important. "Yeah," he ruffed out. "It's so obvious; Sad really."

Carmelita couldn't believe it. She was actually starting to chuckle. Sly was so delusional, that it was almost funny. "Wait…wait" she asked laughing "You think that Tiffany is only dating Dimitri to get closer to you?"

"I know" Cooper stated shaking his head. "I can't believe it."

"Neither can I" Carmelita stated under her own breath. "You are right, it is sad. _Very, very sad." _Then, she said it. "Gee, Honey. What are we going to do?"

The tables shifted suddenly. Now, Cooper was the one who was confused. And this confusion was focused on Carmelita. She was planning something.

"Hmmm," she hummed sarcastically. "I think….." Then she raised her head with a devious smile. "We should stay!"

Cooper went wide eyed, and his heart began to beat five times faster. "No!" He screamed.

"Don't worry," Carmelita answered sardonically nice. "I'm not going to let her get to you."

"We can't stay." Cooper replied with fear.

"Oh yes we are," Carmelita sang. "It will be Me, Dimitri, Murray, Melinda, Tiffany, you, your ego-Oh wait! We're going to need an extra chair." And with that, she smiled smugly.

Tiffany and Dimitri happily sat up the tables. Murray and Melinda began to sit down. Carmelita walked over and mockingly patted Sly on the back, and Sly punished himself once more with a slap to his own face. He always put himself into these situations, with no escape. He looked up, and that's when he noticed Tiffany passing around a mug filled with something that looked like bread sticks. Everyone grabbed one and then she walked over to Sly with the mug in her hand. There was something about Tiffany that got Sly nervous. It was with the way she walked, the way she had her eyes lidded, and epically about the way she talked.

"So hot," Tiffany exclaimed in a long and drawn out moan.

Cooper timidly pointed at the bread sticks. "You're talking about the bread sticks, right?"

"No," she said as she got closer. "I'm talking about your ass. You so much better in bed than Dimitri." And with that, she stuck the bread stick In Sly's mouth, pulled his tail seductively, and then walked away.

Sly was left shocked with a piece of bread in his mouth. He couldn't believe what she just said. He knew it all along! She was just going to try to get closer to him! He had to tell Carmelita. She had to believe him, and they had to get out of here before Tiffany pushed Sly too far. Sly knew he could handle temptation, but when it came to morals, he was just a C student.

Sly walked forward and chewed off the piece of his bread stick before walking towards the table. "Carmelita! I…..wow this breadstick is good. Carmelita!" he got closer to the table, and that's when he was greeted by one face he did not want to see at the moment.

"How's it going, boy?" Ken Fox replied at the table.

Sly was shocked. "You invited him?" Sly asked Carmelita surprised. "Please tell me he just got here."

"No," Ken replied. "I was already at the restaurant checking out the chicks when you guys walked in. and I thought to myself 'dinner and a show? I'm not going to miss this for the world.'"

"And to answer your question," Carmelita replied. "Yes."

Sly hung his head low, and perked it back up when Ken stated, "It's an added bonus if Tiffany and you did it in the car."

Carmelita dropped her silverware and stared at Sly wide eyed; with her mouth gaped open in horror. "The Car!" she screamed. "Our car! Oh God, I can never ride in it again!"

And that's when Sly blurted it out. "But Tiffany just said I had a hot ass!"

Carmelita about strangled his throat and Dimitri looked up from his menu confused and bewildered. "Are you trying to piss me off?" Carmelita roared.

"Lucky me, I knew there'd be a show," Ken stated.

Murray and Melinda were eating and chatting away while Carm and Sly began to fight. "I didn't sleep with Tiffany. She isn't Asian." Murray interjected into the conversation. Then he turned back to his girl. "Like you, you're Asian so I love you."

"I do what I can," Melinda sang while smiling and kissing Murray on the cheek.

Sly was about to speak once more, when he hearing the sound of water drip into his glass. Tiffany was pouring the pitcher of water into Sly's drink. And while she did this, whether intentional or not, her left boob was really, really, close to his face.

"I'm sorry about sleeping with Sly," Tiffany told Carm as she poured Carmelita's drink. "I was in a really low point in my life."

"Well thank you," Cooper stated sarcastically. "I'm glad I could have been a part of that."

"What seems to be your problem?" Tiffany asked with a cork in her brow.

"Are you serious?" Sly almost screamed. "You just told me I had a hot ass!"

"Of course she did," Carmelita mockingly told Sly.

"Yeah," Tiffany replied. "Are you delusional Sly?"

Cooper was shocked. He couldn't believe what was going on. Just a second ago, Tiffany was fully coming on to him, and now she was acting like it never happened. She acted like she didn't even have a thing for him. He was confused, shocked, and all around pissed. Tiffany poured more water into the gang's glasses and continued to speak.

"Things are going really great for me now," She spoke. "Even this job is temporary. I'm trying to earn my degree in law."

Carmelita almost cocked on a breadstick. "Law?" She asked. "Really, that's what I'm invested in. I'm a cop."

"Really," Tiffany reacted truly surprised. "Me too! I'm going to the academy to earn a badge. My goal is to become a police captain."

"That's my goal too!" Carmelita happily shouted. She might in fact become friends with this slut after all.

"yeah," Dimitri added. "Tiffany and Carm have a lot in com-"

"Hey, Hey, Hey!" Cooper interrupted; shouting. "The only thing that my wife and Tiffany have in common is that they both want you to shut the hell up!"

"No, no," Carmelita replied smirking. "I really want to hear this." Then she turned back to Tiffany and asked, "Which station do you think you'll be working act?"

"I'd like to work at France Interpol." Tiffany replied.

"That's where I work!" Carmelita replied.

"You know what would be really ironic," Murray added. "If Sly's ex-mistress and wife became partners. Carm as The Sheriff and Tiffany as The Depute."

"That would be bad for Sly right?" Melinda asked Murray aloud.

"Yes. It. Will." Carmelita answered fully looking at Sly, who at this moment looked like he was going to faint with shock. The Fox then turned back to the Ex-mistress. "You know what Tiffany?" She began. "We should really work together. You could get the cubical right besides mine. We may give each other rides to work-Hey! Sly can drop us off." Then she turned to Sly. "You can drive us to work dear. I believe_ she knows her way around the car." _

Tiffany began to laugh. "Oh God," she exclaimed laughing. "You didn't tell me that your wife was funny."

"Sing it sister." Carmelita replied.

Sly at this point had enough. He knew that the day was only going to get worse and there was no way of stopping it. He was either going to lose it sooner or later, so he might as well get it over with. He jumped up from he seat and waved he arms around franticly like a mad man. He was trying to get his point across. No one would listen! "Didn't you hear what I just said? Tiffany told me I had a Hot Ass!"

"Boy," Ken stated. "Don 't try to get a three-way. Someone in the end always gets pissed off."

Cooper slammed his head down on the table, and hid it in shame.

* * *

_I have a little disclaimer in the front of my diary, that basically says the three things that you will learn about me if you read my Diary. I'll post it again for you here if someone reads this._

_Lesson #1: If you are going to jump off a bridge, never tell your girlfriend_

_Lesson #2: Control your anger_

_Lesson #3: always use caution, protection, and every other 'tion' you'll need in life._

_Lesson #4: THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE! __NEVER SLEEP WITH A WAITRESS 2 HOURS AFTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND BREAKS UP WITH YOU!_

* * *

Sly hanged his head low in desperation and depression. He just wanted to get out of the restaurant as fast as he could. He felt so out of place and so nervous that it was making him sick. He had to leave, now. As soon as Sly rose his head from the sanctuary of his own arms, he noticed Tiffany holding a photo in front of Carmelita. That meant that it had to be bad news. He grabbed the photo as quickly as he could. Carmelita was left surprised.

"Sly! What the hell?" she exclaimed.

It only took a split second of looking at the photo to realize Sly was mistaken. It was a photo of a child. It was a poodle child, with strangely, purple fur. It looked really small and young. Sly handed the photo back to Tiffany. "Who's this?" he asked pointing at the photo.

"That would be me and Dimitri's child." She exclaimed as she took the photo back into her arms.

Sly's mind was literally boggled. It seemed reasonable (the baby had purple fur after all) but the matter of the situation was just insane. Dimitri was a father? How can that be so? But the worst thing about the situation, was not only was Dimitri a father, but the mother of that said child was Sly's ex-mistress. Carmelita was right. This mistake would haunt them forever.

Tiffany continued to pass around the photo to the guest at the table. Murray and Melinda made small little, "aww's" when they saw the photo.

"Isn't he-I mean she- I mean….what is it?" Melinda asked politely.

"She's a _she," _Tiffany continued. "And her name is Maggie."

"Yep," Dimitri stated. "She's Dimitri's little princess."

And those were the words that set Sly off. It's strange how a set of words, a touch, a sound, even a smell can trigger such a plethora of emotions simply by one act. Sly was pissed, mainly because he was mad at himself for doing something so wrong many months ago. But the thing that made Sly so pissed off, was just a second ago, he knew that Tiffany was still interested in him. She was using Dimitri to express her feeling towards Sly. The relationship was going to end in disaster and Sly knew it. Dimitri however was completely oblivious. Sly slammed his fist on the table, causing everyone to look up. And the first words that flew out of Sly's mouth, even though Sly had no clue why he would say these words first, were…..

"Dimitri can't raise your little princess, he doesn't have the time!" Sly exasperated.

Dimitri seemed cool and collective as tiffany placed her arms around his torso from behind him.

"Sly, I don't have a job anymore," He stated. "I think I can find the time to nature a life."

"You can't really nature a life if your out on the streets!" Sly screamed.

"What the hell you talking about?" Dimitri asked.

"Tiffany doesn't like you!" he screamed. "A second ago, she pulled on my tail and told me I had a hot ass. She's going to lose interest in you. She doesn't want you, she's dreaming about me."

Carmelita punched Sly in the arm, causing him to get distracted for a split second. "Sly!" she viciously warned him.

"Honey, I'm his friend." He told Carmelita. "I can't let Dimitri get stuck in situations like this." He then turned back to Tiffany. "Tiffany, all you are is a blood sucking vampire that ruined my relationship with Carmelita. And Dimitri, you're not even her boyfriend. You're daycare."

The room got quiet. It was so quiet that every other sound seemed to be sucked into a black hole. The whole gang stared at Cooper as if he'd just killed somebody in front of them. It was shocking. Even Tiffany stayed quiet. Suddenly, there was sniffle. Tiffany's eyes began to lace themselves with moisture. She was at the brink of crying, and judging by how hard her voice was cracking, it wasn't going to be long before the water works flowed.

"C-c-cooper?...W-why would you try to destroy something that me and Dimitiri…h-have!" and that's when her faced scrunched in agony. She ran off into the kitchen, and the sobs could have been heard from a mile away. Dimitri got up to see where she was going, but he ended up just standing there in confusion. The whole gang, including Ken, stared at Cooper with a befuddle look upon their faces.

Cooper was currently trying to hide away in his chair by looking down and twiddling his thumbs. He was not expecting crying. He was hoping for…well…..now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure what reaction he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't crying. And the worst part of this whole situation was, since his friends were now staring at him, he had to make an excuse.

"w-w-w-well" Sly stuttered timidly. "Sh-She's crying cause she knows it true?"

"A women runs out in tears." Ken commented. "For once, I'm not on the ass end of that."

Dimitri then suddenly slammed his fist on the table. It was such a viciously blow that Sly could have sworn he heard wood crack. Dimitri immediately stood up. His face had now turned into such a shade of red that it almost stood out like Rudolph's nose.

"DAMN YOU CRACKERBOX!" he screamed. "DAMN YOU! YOU ASSHOLE. I HATE YOU!" and with that, Dimitri ran into the back to talk to Tiffany.

"Another women runs out in tears," Ken stated.

A couple of minutes of silence went by. Carmelita looked as if she was going to strangle the poor ringtail. And he wouldn't have put up a fight if she did. What he said, even though all of it was true, really broke down poor Dimitri. Sly was being the asshole here, and there was no escape. Dimitri walked back in to the main table, wagging his finger at Sly.

"SHAME!" He screamed at the Raccoon. "SHAME ON YOU SLY. TIFFANY'S CRYING ALL OVER THE SALAD STATION!"

"Well," Sly retorted, still nervous. "I get weepy around vinegar as well."

Carmelita punched Sly in the arm. This wasn't a 'now it's time to be quiet tap.' This was a, 'YOU ASSHOLE! I'LL KILL YOU!' punch. Sly suddenly grabbed his arm, and started rocking himself to in fro in his chair do to the pain.

"What is wrong with you!" Carmelita screamed. "Go in there and apologize right now!"

Cooper's ears picked up. What he did was wrong, that much was certain. But what he said was true, and he wasn't about to apologize for being true. Besides that, this was a women that slept with him long ago and ruined the relationship that Carmelita and him shared at the time. There wasn't a chance in hell that Cooper was going to be in a room with that blood sucking bitch.

"What!" he screamed. "No way!"

"You see Melinda," Murray began to tell his girlfriend. "Carmelita wants Sly to apologize, but Sly's like 'pfft. Now way!'"

Ken looked like he was going to explode. "Are you not getting this?" he asked Melinda. "I thought Asians were smart!"

Everyone didn't even wince once at this statement. Ken was the old racist of the group.

Melinda replied to Ken's comments, with a smile, "I'm getting this, I just like the way my boyfriend thinks, _round eye!"_

This time, everyone in the room winced. Even Sly had to control himself from ducking under the table. Ken was the type of asshole that spewed insults, but if one was thrown in his direction, there was hell to pay. Ken's facial expression darkened. "What did you call me?" he asked menacingly.

Melinda just stuck out her tongue. "I called you round eye, you racist, Irish drunk bastard."

The table got silent again. The anticipation was tremendous. Murray was about to have a heart attack. Ken's moves were slow and precise. He sat down in his chair, leaned back and folded his arms, stared at the Asian dog with his bright yellow evil eyes…..

And then proceeded to laugh like a maniac. He was laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. "OH MY GOD!" he laughed. "ROUND EYE. THAT'S PURE GENIUS. THAT KINDA STUNG A LITTLE! DAMN THAT'S GOOD." Then he turned around. "BAR TENDER, BY MY YELLOW FRIEND HERE A BEER!"

Melinda laughed as well. "AND GET ME A SHOT OF WHISKY FOR MY FAVORITE VILLIAGE IDIOT!"

"High five!" Ken declared. Melinda then slipped some skin with the fox.

While Ken and Melinda proceeded to spew insults at each other and laugh, Sly hid his head from the crowd with his hand. Carmelita gave him a vicious stare, and started to speak to him slow and evil.

"Sly," she proclaimed with a low and menacing voice. "If you don't go back there and apologize, me and you are going to walk home, _alone, down a dark alley way. And I'll make sure to have my pistol with me."_

Sly only laughed. "Are you in the mob now or something? You gonna whack me?" He chuckled.

**Silence**. That's all he received. It was a deathly silence that filled the atmosphere with fear and death. This silence scared the shit out of Sly, and suddenly, his eyes widen. He turned to look at his wife, to study her face. And judging by how she was giving him the death stare, she was purely serious.

"….okay then," Sly replied fearfully. Then he got up, and went to the back room.

* * *

The whole place seemed like a mad house. Waitresses were coming and receiving orders left and right, Cooks were carrying around frying pans that were on fire. All in all, Sly had to move quick to make sure he didn't accidently run into somebody while moving. Sly eventually started opening doors, from compartment to compartment, looking for the crying poodle. Eveuntally, Sly was getting tired of searching for this women by himself, so he decided to call out for her.

"Tiffany!" he shouted he opened each door. "Tiffany, are you there?"

He kept opening each door, shouting her name. Still, to no avail. She seemed to have just disappeared off the face of the earth. Eventually, he opened the food storage room, and when he shouted her name, he was rewarded with what could be best described as a moan of sadness.

"Okay, Tiffany. I get it. I made you cry." He said as he walked towards the source of the noise. "Look, if you make Dimitir happy, then I'm sure that you guys would make a wonderful coupl-holy shit!" Sly exclaimed as he turned around. He couldn't believe what he just saw. It was so sickening that Sly almost wanted to burst out of the room screaming, yet at the same time, it was so shocking that it made the poor ringtail stand still.

Tiffany was fully clothed, but the salad man was not, and oh god…..they were humping each other in a frenzy. That salad boy was about to 'toss some salad,' If they continued this.

Sly only said 4 words before he left this scene. "Cancel my spinach salad," he grunted through teeth clenched in anger. He had to tell Dimitri that Tiffany was cheating on the lizard, _now! _

* * *

Sly was almost giddy like a school girl when walking out to talk to Dimitri. Now that Sly knew this secret, all he had to do was show Dimitri how Tiffany was _really _working, then Dimitri would dump her and she'd be out of Sly's life forever. He started to control himself as he got closer to the table.

"Hey Dimitri," Sly stated calmly. "I have something to tell you."

When Dimitri turned around, it was shown on his face that he was pissed. "Oh what now!" The Lizard scream. "What do you want from me now, Mr. Liar!"

Carmelita even joined in on the bagging. "Sly," she whined. "I thought that you and Dimitri were friends now!"

"I am!" Sly practically screamed, defending himself. Then he lowered his voice and spoke directly to the purple reptile. "Dimitri, I was wrong. Tiffany is defiantly not interested in me. And if you two love each other, then you should be with each other. In fact, you should go be with her _right now!" _

Dimitri looked a bit emotional. "Really cracker box?" he asked with affection. "Thanks. I'll tell her that when she comes out."

"No, no, no!" Sly franticly stated, trying to lift Dimitri off his chair. "When she comes back she'll be done by then. Come on. Go now."

As Dimitri got lifted up his chair, he fully realized that he would be going through the kitchen, which was forbidden.

"Wait!" Dimitri practically said as he stopped himself. "I can't go back there," He told Cooper as he pointed towards the kitchen. "Tiffany told me that employees are the only ones allowed in the back entrance."

"Yeah I bet," Sly stated under his breath. Luckily, Dimitri didn't hear those words. Then Sly talked to Dimitri once more. Sly was trying everything in his power for Dimitri to go. "You have to go back and help her; she's lifting something right now."

Dimitri cocked a brow; though not in confusion. In fact, it was worriment. "Lifting?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sly replieds, realizing that the 'bait' took hold of the 'hook.' "She's _arching her back _and _moaning. _It's _really big, _and heavy. She needs someone to help her, so go."

"Alright," Dimitri almost complained. "I'll go." And with that, Dimitri left the dinner table.

As soon as Dimitri was out of the sight and presence of the guest, Sly began to laugh. It was a deep, roaring, cackling laugh that made Sly almost sound crazy.

"What's wrong with you?" Carmelita asked her husband.

"Oh…._nothing. _" Sly replied deviously smirking. Then he pointed to Murray. "By the way bro, don't order the salad." As Sly made his way around to his seat, his grin got wider and wider. He proceedied to chuckle deviously. "And thanks honey for sending me back there." Sly told his wife. " That was the best apology I have ever given. And she was so into it."

Carmelita raised her brow. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked.

Ken came up with an answer.

"He wants some more of that booty." Ken proclaimed.

Sly's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets in shock. "WHAT!" Sly screamed in surprised.

"He wants another slice of Tiffany pie." Ken proclaimed. "He wants to add Cooper's homemade dressing all over her salad."

"No he doesn't!" Carmelita proclaimed defending her husband.

"Yes, I agree honey!" Sly proclaimed to his wife. "I didn't even want the salad when I got it."

She turned slowly like a predator, and glared at Sly as if he were prey. She gave him a glare that sent his nerves tingling in fear. Sly then tried to rephrase what he just said, thinking that his wording was the error on his part.

"Had it?" Sly suggested.

Glare.

"Did it?"

Glare

"Made love to it?"

An even more vicious glare.

"This is a really bad area for me." Sly announced to himself as he came to the conclusion to never talk about this again.

"Hey!" Murray announced from the other end. "I will not have you go bad mouthing salad like this."

Sly gave Murray a total 'what the fuck' look of confusion. Ken at "this point became bored with the lackluster of interesting conversation, or food.

"Jesus, I'm tired of listening to you morons talk." Ken exclaimed. "Who do I have to pork around her to get some fricking food!"

"Ken," Sly stated through chuckles. "I think the answer to that question is pretty obvious." And with that, Sly laughed thunderously.

Then, all of a sudden….

BAM! POW! CRASH!

A loud, powerful, and non-inviting commotion was heard from the far end of the restaurant. The sorce seemed to be the kitchen. Sly at first though a waiter must have dropped someone's order. And then, out of nowhere, Dimitri came rushing back to the table. The Lizard looked as if he was running away from both the Crypts, The Bloods, aliens, bears, and demons all at the same time.

"SLY!" Dimitri proclaimed as he reached the table. "TIFFANY! SHE FELL AND BROKE HER NECK! CALL 911!"

Melinda stood up from her chair, completely drenched in panic mode. "I'LL CALL 411 AND GET THE NUMBER!" and with that, Melinda took off running for a phone.

Everyone at the table, including Dimitri, watched the little Asian Terrier run off. They watched this in confusion. Did she just say what they thought she said? Could they have imagined such an utterance of stupidity? Murray calmly stood up from his chair and politely address the audience.

"She's panicking." He told his friends. "She can't think straight. _I'll_ call 411, and get the number."

* * *

_Numbers listed in the Thevious Racoonist to call in an emergency list as followed._

_919_

_910_

_912_

_As you can see, 911 is clearly not listed. *sarcastically* Gee! Wonder why! It's not like I'M A FUCKING THEIVE OR ANYTHING!_

* * *

Sly slowly walked in to the kitchen. His eyes did not deceive him. There was a Tiffany on the floor, fully clothed, and looked pale and expressionless. She was still breathing; he could tell so by watching her stomach rise and fall. But she didn't seemed hurt. According to Sly, he thought she was faking this.

"help me," she called out in a monotone to Sly.

"Pfft, help me." Sly uttered back not impressed with her horrible acting abilities.

Carmelita, who was behind Sly during this, chose to at this moment, to attack Sly with a vicious blow to the small of his back, via fist. To her, Carmelita thought that Tiffany was truly hurt.

"Sly!" she screamed. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"She's faking it!" Sly proclaimed. Carmelita gave him a look of confusion. Sly searched around the kitchen, looking for a tool to aid him with this quest. His tool at this moment was a large bowl of salad. "If she wasn't faking it, would she let me do this?"

Sly turned over the bowl, and the whole 12 or so cups of salad that were placed in the bowl, were dumped onto her. Her face, body, and dress were now covered in lettuce, tomato, onions, cabbage, and cheese. And what surprised Sly was that she didn't move one bit, even as the salad dressing dropped onto her eye.

And that's when it hit him.

"OH MY GOD!" he screamed as he bent lower down to help Tiffany clean her face. "SHE ACTUALLY BROKE HER NECK!"

And it was at this moment, when Sly and Carmelita were clearing the lettuce off Tiffany's face that Ken decided to step through the door. He was greeted with the sight of a poodle waitress covered in salad from head to toe.

"A beautiful girl covered in salad." Ken proclaimed. "This reminds me of Bob Joseph's bachelor party."

"Dad, there's no time to recall friends of the past," Carmelita stated. "We have a woman with a broken neck here, and we don't know how she got this way."

_Well I know! _Sly thought to himself. He then looked at Tiffany furiously. "You tell Carmelita exactly how you broke your neck."

"I slipped," Tiffany replied. Carmelita gave Sly a glare.

"ON TO A NAKED CHEF!" Sly yelled. "Well, he was wearing a top hat."

"You were wrong about Tiffany and Dimitri," Carmelita proclaimed. "Why should I believe you now?"

"A.) because I'm your loving husband," Sly listed off. "And B.) When I walked in to apologize, I saw Tiffany and a naked salad chef humping each other on the cutting block." And as he said this, he smacked said cutting block.

"She wouldn't be able to have sex on a cutting block!" Carmelita exclaimed. "She'd fall and break her neck."

"SHE! KNOWS! THAT! NOW!" Sly shouted.

"I've done it a million times before and this hasn't happened before." Tiffany stated.

"Yeah-wait. WHAT!" Carmelita exclaimed at Tiffany.

If Tiffany could shrug her shoulders, she'd do that now. "All right, I'll admit, I was screwing the chef."

"…..OH MY GOD!" Carmelita exclaimed. Her mind was given new truths, and as this epiphany rolled in to her conscious, she became furiously, ground shaking, angry. "You can't screw chefs! You have a baby!"

"Pfft. Yeah. That's how you make them, genius." Tiffany replied from the floor.

"Okay, Okay." Ken stated calmly as he broke up the fight between his daughter and this women. "Here's the deal," Ken told Tiffany. "You tell Dimitri the truth, and will have you back on your knees and riding the bus boy rodeo circuit in no time."

"That's a pretty sweet deal," Sly replied to Ken. "I'd take it."

"Guys," Carmelita whined. "There's no need for Dimitri to know this right now. Let's take one disaster at a time here."

At this point, Dimitri came in with both Murray and Melinda at his tail. Murray walked in wide eyed; smiling.

"This is by far the best salad bar I've ever seen." Murray exclaimed.

"The paramedics are on their way." Dimitri exclaimed towards Sly. "They should be here any minute now."

Sly decided, even though Carmelita told him not to, he decided to act and tell Dimitri the truth. "Uhh...Dimitri?" Sly stated as he stopped him.

"No!" Carmelita declared, fully knowing what Sly was about to do.

"But I have to tell him." Sly replied.

"OH WHAT!" Dimitri screamed, fully angry. "WHAT HORRIBLE SPIRIT CRUSHING THING ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME NOW?"

* * *

_Hey, he asked for it._

_Because you see, bad news should happening like the snap of your fingers. The quicker the bad news is told, the quicker your friend can get over it._

_For example; hey, your pet is dead. Snap of your fingers._

_Your house burnt down. Snap of your fingers._

_Your xbox got destroyed. Snap of your fingers._

_You got your arm torn off in a vice…..okay, well you can't really snap your fingers to that one._

* * *

"Tell him now." Sly commanded Tiffany.

"Oh for Christ's sake." Tiffany exclaimed. "Dimitri, I was having sex with the chef on the salad station."

"Any man who can make a salad this good, deserves to have sex." Murray proclaimed as he chewed on a leaf of lettuce from said salad.

"That's okay." Dimitri said as he shrugged his shoulders. "Me and Tiffany have an arrangement."

Carmelita's eyes widen to the point that she almost looked like an anime character. "Excuse me?"

"She's allowed to sleep with other people." Dimitri proclaimed.

Sly folded his arms over one another. A confused yet questionable look was present on his face. "….I see," Sly stated, though he fully didn't. "And what do you get?"

"Well, I get to sleep with her." Dimitri replied.

"THIS IS BOB JOSEPH'S BACHERLOR PARTY!" Ken proclaimed.

* * *

_When you're desperate for a woman, you'll do anything. Don't deny it, we've all been there._

_But Dimitri, he has a condo there; at 1181 Desperate lane; Hard Up, France; area code is 91please oh please._

* * *

As the paramedic poured into the kitchen to assist the cheating girlfriends, Dimitri was lead back out into the restaurant by Sly and Murray. Both of the animal were pushing the lizard on his back, and they urged him to continue forward. The other guest (Ken and Carmleita,) were already seated out in the restaurant. Sly then began to speak to Dimitri.

"Dimitri," Sly commanded. "You have to break up with Tiffany."

"No," Dimitri replied harshly, breaking away from Sly and Murray.

Sly and Murray ran about two paces to catch up with the lizard to stop him.

"No?" Sly replied. "C'mon man. Who's had your back? Uh? Who's kept you safe through your later years? You know, I'm your friend and I'm here to protect you, but when you screw up like this, _you really make me look bad._"

Dimitri turned around at this comment, and his eyes glared in anger and frustration. "See?" the lizard announced. "See? Stop! This is exactly what I'm talking about. Stop telling me what to do. You have your wife, and Murray has his girl Melinda. WHAT CAN'T I FUCKING HAVE TIFFANY!"

"Because Tiffany's not your girlfriend." Sly replied. "Tiffany's more like….a time share."

"Look on the bright side." Murray replied from the back. "At least you got her in the summer. _And, _you can move her near the water."

Sly faced palmed Murray and pushed him away from the conversation.

"Listen Dimitri." Sly stated. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but out of all of us here at the moment, you seem to be the normal guy. And I urge you, I plead you to be the normal guy. You see, with my life as it has been, and continues to be, I have to live like spider man."

"Shee yeah," Murray replied from the back.

"Shut it dude," Sly stated to Murray. Then it was back to the task at hand. "With my friends and Family, I have to be on it all the time. But with you, your life is boring. In a good way though. Cause in your life, you have time to relax. You have time to sit down and smell the flowers. You know, sometimes, I wish I was you."

Dimitri's eyes widen in both confusion and happiness. A glimmer shone across his eye as if Dimitri had just seen his favorite celebrity, and when he spoke, his voice cracked.

"Really?" he asked like a little boy. "Cause Sly, I want to be like you all the time."

Sly cocked a brow in confusion. "You're creeping me out there a bit buddy." He replied. "And why would you want to be like me."

"Sly," Dimitri then hung his head low, as he was about to make his confession. "I wasted me life alone. I wasted it on greed and thievery. When I met you, even though I was pissed off, I had to admire that even though you were sort of like me YOU HAD FRIENDS. Me, I had no friends. Sure, I enjoyed, and still enjoy, the company of a fine women or two…or three if you count Wednesdays, but I never really had friends. I never really had a person that had my back. And I thought to myself that maybe, if I was more like you….I might have more friends. I'm tired of being lonely."

Sly almost had to fight back a tear. It came as a shock to realize why Dimitri wanted to be like him. It was, without a doubt, touching. And Sly meant it by no offense by…

"Dude," he sniffled. "I deeply respect your view on me, BUT IT'S CRAP." Sly replied. "Trust me dude, you don't want to be like me."

"Yeah," Carmelita replied as she chugged down an alcoholic beverage (possible given to her by the bar tender.) "You defiantly don't want to be like my husband." She said. "If you were like Sly, you would have cheated on me and broken my heart almost a year ago."

Sly stood before her in agony and frustration, waving his arms around like a mad man. "WILL I EVER HEAR THE END OF THIS!" he shouted at her.

"The end of what?" she deviously replied. "Superman." She called him.

"It's Spiderman."

"Whatever. Blah, blah, blah."

Sly turned back to Dimitri.

"Listen dude, If that's the case…..don't be normal for you, be normal for me." Sly asked Dimitri

Dimitri took a deep breath in to calm himself. When he exhaled this large breath, he turned to Sly and had the look of a brave solider. "I'm ready," Dimitri replied.

"Good," Sly stated. Then he pointed. "Cause you have to break up with her, right now."

Dimitri turned to see a large stretcher get wheeled out into the Kitchen. On the stretcher, was Tiffany. Her forehead, her arms, and her neck were bonded to the stretcher with a combination of rope, medical tape, and a neck brace. Dimitri gulped, and then proceeded to walk towards her. He told the EMT's that it was fine and that he knew this girl. Once he got be her side, he kneeled down to speak.

"He said that it's just a sprained back, and I'll be back to work in a couple of weeks." Tiffany told Dimitri.

"That's great," Dimitri said with a fake smile. "Listen hon…..the thing is…..I…..I….I"

Sly decided to cut to the chase and tell Tiffany what the hell was going on. "He's breaking up with you!" Sly shouted quickly.

Tiffany suddenly got a glare in her eyes. It was an evil glare that burned with the fiery depths of hell. She breathed heavily and became like a demon. And her nostril flared with anger. "What?" She grumbled in hatred.

"Well….I….I" Dimitri stuttered.

"He put you up to this didn't he?" She questioned with anger. "YOU'RE HIS PUPPET! Maybe some day you'll get to be a real boy you fag!"

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Dimitri's mode suddenly shifted from fear, to bravery and anger. He got right in Tiffany's face, and gave her a hard dose of her own medicine.

"You know what," Dimitri replied menacingly. "I was going to tell you it's not you, it's me. But that just wouldn't be suiting. So you know what, I'll tell the truth. No, it's not you, it's all the people you slept with you dumb bitch!"

_WHAP!_

Out of nowhere, Tiffany's hand came flying out and cracked Dimtri in the jaw. He immediately fell over and rubbed his jaw in pain. Sly's eyes widen in surprise, and he took an involuntary step back. Tiffany then procced to yell like a psychopath to the EMT's.

"LIFT ME UP!" She shouted.

"Uh….mam?" One EMT asked.

"THAT MEANS NOW DAMMIT!" Tiffany shouted. The EMT;s slowly started to Lift her up, and Sly about soiled himself. It was like something out of a horror movie. She was raised upright slowly and menacingly. It reminded Sly of the Frankenstein monster. Her hair and her head stood on in because of the forehead bind. As her face rose out of the darkness, her expression could be described as if she were a psycho axe murderer. And her voice was laced like an evil demonic killer.

"I'LL EVEN LET YOU TAKE THE FIRST SHOUT!" she barked and spit towards Sly. "LET'S DO THIS RIGHT NOW!"

Sly staggered back. "Uh…Murray help?" He asked in fear.

"_I can't! I'm scared too!" _Murray replied as he hid his face in Sly's shoulder.

"This has taken a turn for the bizarre." Carmelita stated from the bar, watching the truly strange scene unfold in front of her.

"WHAT'CHA GONNA DO NOW!" Tiffany replied. "poor little wife won't help you huh? LETS DANCE BYOCTH!"

This was the point were the EMT's started to roll her out of the Café, much to her disapproval.

"Hey, Hey, HEY!" She shouted to the EMT's. "I'm not finished her. Wheel me back!" and before she completely disappeared out of sight, she had six final words to say. "_I'LL GET YOU SLY COOPER!"_

"Call me when you can squeeze a ball!" Dimitri shouted back.

* * *

_When you are a screwed up thieve, you have a responsibility to keep your normal thievery friends from getting walked on. It's easy. How bad can you screw that up?_

_And if anyone reads this, don't you dare say, "Well, you can cause someone six months of physical therapy like you did," Because lots of times those exercises that Tiffany will be doing, are in take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places. _

_And, she gets to park up to places really close for a long time._

_Pfft, and I'm the bad guy. Whatever._

* * *

**So….yeah. Another long ass chapter that took awhile because of school. **

**Next time: THE SLY COOPER CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! YA!**

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	9. The Sly Cooper Christmas Special

**I'm back. After a long period of working on other fan fic's and practicing high school basketball, I've finally found the time in between to type the newest chapter to Dairy of a Thieve. And here's the moment you've all been waiting for…..THE SLY COOPER HOLIDAY SPECIAL!**

**I hope that you enjoy this chapter very much. So without further ado, here it is.**

**

* * *

**

_Christmas is a time for Joy, love, and peace,_

_And a giant spike in the suicide rate._

_Carmelita's father, HATES Christmas. Can you believe that? There is actually one person on this god given planet who hates the holiday. Why? MY theory is that when he was a kid, he got all the Christmas joy sucked out of him by his cold, vindictive mother, because his drunken partying father sucked all the Christmas joy out of her._

_But there is hope._

_Carmelita, LOVES Christmas. And saying that she just LOVES Christmas, is an understatement. She LIVES for Christmas. She breathes for Christmas. She's the type of person who will turn your house into an animatronic holiday HELL. She knows her way around wires, light bulbs, switches, and anything else that can seem to make your house a living, breathing, object of holiday spirit._

_It astounds me. One minute, she's miss iron sides with a seductive love side for me, the next, she's a happy cheery school girl whistling "Joy to the world," while hanging up the lights. Not to say that I don't love this, but she actually got us on the six o'clock news once. It was crazy._

_She loves Christmas, her father hates Christmas. Put the two together in a room, there's going to be some damage._

_We had an incident with her father last week._

* * *

Ken Fox was pretty upset. The hangover from the night before was already agitating him, but to make matters worse, it was completely dark outside. And with his breath fogging up his glasses, he might has well been blind from birth. He couldn't make out anything. He was stumbling around the front of his house like a drunken idiot; which is what he was.

But, all of a sudden, Ken heard something rustle in the bushes. This was followed by the sound of two people snickering. One had a high pitch girly giggle, while the other voice was a low manly chuckle. It gave Ken the creeps. Immediately, he turned around to the source of the noise, and asked allowed…

"Who's there?" Ken asked.

Suddenly, his vision went into overload. Bright lights filled his eyes. Multicolor filled his vision, and adding to the migraine due to his hangover, it caused a horrible headache that raged inside his skull. He placed a hand up to his eyes to shield himself, but the damage was already done. Now Ken was more pissed off than ever. But who to blame for his anger and misfortune?

Well, as it turned out, the two figures were Carmelita and Sly Cooper, who jumped out of the bushes holding an electrical cord. Behind them, was a giant contraption of lights and holiday decorations. Both the raccoon and the fox had eager and cheerfully smiles on their faces, and looking at ken, they both proclaim in unison…

"Surprise!" they shouted.

Ken brushed his eyes and groan. The anger started to boil. And from the scowl on his face, it was very apparent, that he was not in the mood for surprises.

"What the hell is this?" Ken proclaimed.

"Oh come on dad!" Carmelita proclaimed happily and teasingly as she patted his chest. "You can't have a Christmas without holiday decorations now can you?" and then throwing her hands up, she proclaimed, "Merry Christmas Dad!"

Holding a lit cigarette in his hand, Ken proclaimed sarcastically "Ho, Ho, Ho." And then he flicked the cigarette into the pine tree closes to his left. The tree immediately burst into flames, causing the couple to gasp. As Ken proceeded into his house without hesitation or remorse, Sly immediately shed his outer jacket which he was wearing, and began to choke the flames. Carmelita's dreams were demolished.

* * *

_How do you make the gloomiest guy around the holidays feel the joyful spirit? Trying to get Ken to feel some holiday cheer is like trying to get Hitler feel remorse for the holocaust. It's impossible. And all I want is for my wife to be happy. But she'll only be happy if her dad loves Christmas._

_So what do you get a woman who wrap's scrooge McDuck's house in twinkle lights, to get him to love Christmas? _

_Well, I was reading a magazine on Christmas cheer and I found an article that solved all the answers to our problems. It told us to "trap the scrooge on a houseboat for the holidays, so he can't get hammered, and ruin it."_

_Actually, it didn't really say that, but you get my point. It really told us to surround the man with what's good, and keep the man away from what would cause dismay. _

_I had an old pal who lives off the shore from Italy, his name is Ramón. He is a rabid fisherman who lives on a houseboat just off the coast from time to time. And when I read the article, I immediately called Ramón and asked him to put the boat just a bit off shore, and asked if we could borrow it for Christmas and Christmas Eve. _

_My plan was coming into action. _

* * *

Carmelita had never been so giddy in her life. Her heart was racing in happy anticipation. It all began when Cooper announce at breakfast that there was a surprise waiting for her later that evening. And knowing that Cooper was into the holidays too, her mind immediately concocted images of candy canes and Christmas trees. But what made her more excited was that Cooper described this surprise as a gift. Since he got a major pay check for some body work he did for a big time employee, she could barley hold her breath in anticipation for the extravagant gift. Later that evening, Bentley, Murray, and Linda Dog came over and joined them for a holiday brunch. And that's when a blindfold got involved. Sly told Carmelita that her surprise was near, but that she would only be able to see it if she placed the blindfold on as they made their way to the destination of the present. She eager tied the cloth around her eyes.

At this point in time, she was stepping off a small row boat. She could tell this for she felt the rocking of waves as they moved across was sounded like water. She was literally losing it; blabbing her mouth in anxiety, describing what could be what she was feeling.

"Sly, Okay, I'm getting off a boat!" she announced happily, as Sly grabbed her hand's and assisted her up the steps. "What is it? Oh my God! I can't tell! Is it a romantic dinner on the Warf?"

"Nope," Sly stated. "But close dear."

Carmelita's hands touched what felt like iron railing. Her heart beat jumped up two paces, as her heart fluttered in happiness.

"Oh My!" she proclaimed. "It's a cruise! It has to be a cruise!"

"Very close, but not exactly." Sly replied softly.

"…holy shit!" Carmelita screamed. "IT'S AN ISLAND! IT HAS TO BE AN ISLAND." She coughed to clear her throat. She made her speech in a somewhat pompous manner. "I hereby christen this shore, Carma-landia." Then she went back to her eager self. "Oh Please Sly, remove the blindfold. I can't take it anymore. I want to see my beautiful….."

And with that, Sly reached up with one hand, and removed the red cloth.

"….old rented, broken down, dirty houseboat?" Carmelita said amazed. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. The houseboat was very old indeed. Parts of the wood was cracking and the place was covered with dirt and seaweed. Her mouth was gapped open in horror and disappointment. All this time, all this anticipation, the gift was nothing more than a shitty house boat. "Sly!" she whined. "What the hell? What is this? I can't be queen of this!"

Sly, who was holding a box of various Christmas decorations, held on with one hand and pointed at the door behind him. "No, baby. It's not like that!" Sly laughed. "Ken's in there."

"That makes it worst!" Carmelita cried. "Now he's drunk and our whole Christmas is over."

"Not really!" Bentley exclaimed eagerly; also holding a box of Christmas paraphernalia. "You see, we tricked your father into coming here."

"Yeah," Sly said happily. Then he began listing off the additions of this arrangement. "There's no beer, no women, and he's all by himself." He almost danced in joy. "Now we can take every last bit of our Christmas joy and shove it down his cancerous tar filled throat!"

Carmelita's eyes immediately widen. Her mouth turned into a smile of joy. Her expression went from sour, to deliciously evil. Yet at the same time, she was happy. Her eyes were crazy with joy and maliciousness. "That….is by far the greatest Christmas present ever!" Carmelita cheered. She leaned forward and gave her husband a well deserved kiss. Then, after breaking the kiss, she reached into the box and pulled out a long tin can. "Snow in a can!" she announced with Joy. She rushed over to the door, and held the can as if it were a weapon. "Head's up gang." She said in a recognizable voice of authority that she used when on the job. "Operation; Santa's revenge is now in effect." And with that, she kicked open the door with ease; a lesson she mastered from all her years as a cop.

Suddenly, the gang's eyes widen in horror. For what they saw in the houseboat, made their moods immediately shift from happy, to shocked.

Ken's old time drinking buddy, was a German Sheppard by the name of Bob Olson. Bob was an old dog around his 40's and not big on small talk. Because of this, the gang barley got to see him. Now he was in plain sight for all the gang to revel in horror. He was passed out, and slumped up against the sink. A half filled bottle of Jack Daniels was clutched to his side.

Carmelita turned to her husband, yelling in horror.

"Why the Hell is Bob Olson drunk and past out on my Christmas?" She screamed.

Sly had no explanation for this event. He thought that when they left Ken, he was all alone. How Bob got here was a mystery. And since Sly didn't want his wife to immediately loose all of her holiday cheer, the ringtail went straight for denial.

"He's not passed out, and he most certainly shouldn't be drunk!" Sly proclaimed angry. The Raccoon immediately went to the German Sheppard's side, and began to shake him; trying to wake the dog from it's slumber. "Bob, Bob!" Sly declared loudly into Bob's ear. And at that moment, Bob's head slumped over to the side closest to Sly, and the dog released a gut wrenching, horrible belch, that smelled so bad, it could have torn the paint off the walls. Sly's nose immediately burned at this sensation. He jumped back and plugged his nose a second too late. His eyes were watering from the horrible smell.

As Sly got back to his wife's side, that's when a loud slamming noise was heard. The gang involuntarily jumped at the sound, and turned their head's to the source of the noise. Ken, who was now completely shit faced, emerged from the bathroom, drunkenly and clumsily trying to zip his pants. His hair on his head was now standing on end, and was arranged so insanely that Einstein would have been put to shame. As he turned his head towards the gang, his expression was none other than a drunken scowl.

The gang's breathing hitched. No one was expecting Ken to be this drunk. In fact, they weren't expecting Ken to be drunk at all. However, Sly, taking the calm and directive approached, calmed his wife and his buddies down, as Sly asserted himself towards ken.

"Hi there ." Sly said politely.

"Wussie!" Ken called Sly.

The raccoon hung his head low in shame. It was going to be a _long _Christmas Eve.

Suddenly, Ken's cheeks enlarged. His eyes widen in surprised. A hand placed itself over his mouth, and he began to run forward. Sly could immediately recognize that Ken was only seconds from throwing up. Sly also noticed, that the destination to where Ken was going to 'toss his cookies' happened to be in front of the couple, in a box filled with light's and decorations. Carmelita also noticed this as well. So was Ken got to the box, bend over, and flipped the lid open, the couple shouted together, "NO!"

Too late. When the lid was open, Ken immediate up chucked everything that was in his system into the box. The sound of Ken puking was wretched, and would haunt the gang for years to come.

After Ken was done Puking, the fox looked towards the sky, mumbled incoherently, and passed out to the side of the box.

Sly felt the side of his neck beginning to smoke. Carmelita was giving the death stare times ten. It was a stare that made Sly shake in his boot's and cause his tail to stand at alert. Shaking, he turned his head towards his wife, who was now so pissed off, her face began to resemble a cherry tomato.

"Sly," she grumbled in a warning tone.

Sly, noticing the can of faux snow by his wife's side, immediately tried to cheer her using his wits and humor. "I got this babe," he proclaimed as he grabbed the can of snow. Using it like Febreeze, the raccoon drenched the vomit in the box and tried to cover the smell. Once he released the can from his grasp, he spewed forth a joke.

"Huh?" he proclaimed joyfully to his enraging wife. "Look at that. Put a Gingerbread house on top of that and you got yourself a little snow village."

* * *

**Chapter 9: Houseboat. (Or the Sly cooper Christmas spectacular.) **

She polity kissed her husband on the cheek. Her voice was a mixture between sadness and forgiveness. "Baby, I love you," she began. "And I thank you for trying to make this Christmas special, but with these two here like this, Christmas is ruined."

Sly immediately became defensive. He refused to admit frailer. He was now going to try and make sure that his plan was never over. "Oh come on!" Sly whined. "Nothing is ruined. Look!" he then ran over to the passed out Ken, and began waving Ken's arms around. Ken was now Sly's puppet, as Sly poorly tried to impersonate Ken's voice. " Hey, I love Christmas. I want a pony!" Sly impersonated as he moved Ken's arm's in a driving horse motion. "Hey look at me Carm, I'm the ghost of Christmas passed out."

Carmelita replied by shrugging her head and staring at her husband with a disappointed stare. At this point, Bentley came walking down the stairs which lead from the storage room up top, to the main cargo and kitchen where Sly and Carm where at.

"Eh, we can sober them up," Bentley proclaimed as he laid down a barrel of Kettle corn and what looked like sugar. "Especially if I'm making my Popcorn balls." Bentley declared. "Do you guys want some popcorn balls?"

"Popcorn balls, wasn't that what they use to call you at the orphanage?" Linda Dog joked as she went through the refrigerator.

"No!" Bentley harshly and quickly replied.

While Sly was chuckling at Bentley's situation, he heard a strange noise which sounded like something dragging along the floor. He turned around and noticed his old pal Murray, holding the passed out Bob with two arms. Murray was dragging Bob by his arms towards the door behind him. Sly got up and immediately questioned Murray.

"What are you doing?" Sly asked Murray aloud.

"I'm putting Bob on a dingy and taking him back to shore." Murray ruffed out as he pulled Bob along. "If Ken doesn't have anyone to drink with than he can't get drunk and ruin our Christmas."

"Murray," Sly said in a groan, thinking that the idea was another typical Murray stupidity. Suddenly, Sly's eye's rounded. He put two and two together in his head. He was amazed, and astounded. But over all, he was shocked. He immedialty ran by Murray's side. "Murray!" Sly shouted in amazement. "Did you hear yourself? You were smart for like ten seconds!"

* * *

_Murray's a little slow, but he has his moments. Put Murray in front of a typewriter for a thousand years, he'll eventually type the word….monkey._

…_actually, he'll only type the word monkey._

_It's his favorite word._

* * *

As Sly, Carmelita, Linda dog and Bentley decorated the interior of the houseboat, Sly jumped when he heard the main door slam. He was confused to find Murray, walking back in by himself, and happily walking along. It had only been like two minutes. There was no way that Murray could've already taken Bob back to shore.

Murray danced for a bit, and grabbed a cookie to eat as he gracefully moved along the houseboat. "Well, Bob's gone."Murray declared happy. Then he did his impersonation of a pirate. "Arrg, me mattes. Bob is a Pirate. Yarrrg."

"Whoa," Sly said as he continued to grow more confused at Murray's presence. He walked over to Murray and looked him in the eyes. "who's with Bob?" Sly asked.

Murray looked like an innocent child. His face was still in a happy smile as he enjoyed his cookie. "I don't know. Who?" Murray asked.

It didn't take long before Sly realized that something was going horribly wrong. Bob was now out on the sea, by himself, passed out, with no way to steer the boat. Bob could already be catching an ocean current and drifting off into oblivion. Bob Could have rocked a bit in his drunken slumber, overturned the boat, and drowned. The horror's flashed through the ringtail's brain, as he realized that Murray was still his idiotic self.

Carmelita, also shocked at this revelation, immediately looked Murray in the eyes as her heart pounded with fear. "Who's steering the boat?" Carmelita screamed.

"…..I don't know, who?" Murray happily replied, confused.

As Carmelita began to panic, Bentley did as well. The once sleeping Ken was now rising from the floor. He was now entering consciousness, which was bad news for the gang. They were already amist in chaos as it was. Ken suffering from a hangover was just going to make it worse. Bentley ran by Sly's side as the Ken slowly came back to reality.

"Sly!" the turtle screamed. "Mayday! Mayday! Ken's waking up! He's going to kill us for losing Bob."

Sly's heart pounded with fear as he watched his father-in-law rise from the floor. He raced through any way's to get out of the situation at hand. He only could come to one conclusion. "Not if we kill him first. Get me a frying pan!" Sly quickly shouted in fear.

Finally, Ken rose to his feet. He stumbled around a bit in his after drunk state. He wobbled to the left and right, and looked around the room in amazement. The normal rundown houseboat that Ken was drinking himself to hell in, was now more colorful and filled with strange lights. Since his state of consciousness was still a bit fuzzy, he could only come to one conclusion.

"….crap. I died and woke up in a Mexican restaurant." Ken proclaimed as he looked at the lights.

Carmelita at first was trying to stay away from her dad. But realizing that Ken seemed to not be so threatening, she decided to be the nice one, and help Ken out. She slowly walked towards her dad with a bright smile, and gave him a cookie.

"No, dad." She said playfully. "It's Christmas eve." She held the tray out in front of her father. Sly and Bentley were now present with smiles by Carm's side. The tray she held out was filled with Christmas cookies, each one shaped in a different Christmas symbols from the last. And each one was covered in chocolate icing. She had a cheer to her voice as she sang to her dad, "Marry Christmas dad!"

Ken's reaction was expected, but still over the top. He immediately screamed in his daughter face, not recognizing who she was. "I HATE CHRISTMAS! NOW GET ME A CHIMICHANGA YOU MEXCICAN!"

Carmelita turned to her husband, her face filled with shock. Both she and he had brows cocked in confusion.

* * *

_For Ken, Christmas isn't Christmas until there's a barbed wired reef on the door and yellow garland around the yard that says 'police line, do not cross.' _

_Unless you're Santa. *winks sarcastically*_

* * *

Ken was now sitting down on a chair that was provided for him. The whole gang surrounded Ken, with nervous smiles on their faces. They were a bit shaken by Ken's outburst earlier. But as they explained more and more to Ken that the houseboat was defiantly _not _a Mexican restaurant, they could relax a bit, knowing that he would no longer be asking for a burrito. They still feared for what he may ask.

And then he said it.

"Where's Bob?" Ken asked.

All he received was silence. Even though on the outside they were smiling, on the inside the gang was quaking with fear. What were they going to do? As soon as Ken realized that Bob was now out to sea, it was going to be their head's. Trying to come up with a quick excess, they pretended to play dumb.

"Bob?" Sly acted confused.

"Who's Bob?" Carmelita tried acting.

"Bob!" Ken proclaimed. "Bob Olson. Wasn't he on here when you guys came here?"

All that Ken received was a bunch of heads shaking their self's 'no.' they pretended to acted normal, or at least tried to act as if they didn't have a clue as to what was going on. It seemed to be working, as Ken himself didn't know where Bob was either. He got up from his chair and began walking out to the deck.

"Bob!" Ken screamed as he walked. "BOB!" Now Ken was on the deck looking out to sea. The gang was right behind him, following the frantic Ken out the door onto the deck. Ken was literally losing it. They had never seen Ken so ecstatic about another being. "Maybe Bob fell overboard when we were drunk!" Ken proclaimed as he about tarred out his hair.

"I'm sure he's fine," Carmelita commented to Ken, trying to act as real as possible. For she truly knew that Bob may not be find. But if Ken was scarred now, imagine what would happen if he learned the horrible truth. Ken rejected Carmelita's advice to take it easy.

"No! I have to find him!" Ken screamed. "Once his belly of beer goes flat, he'll sink like a rock!" Ken started racing around the deck, yelling franticly for Bob. The gang followed Ken, trying to see if he was all right. Carmelita was surprised. Ken was never this caring for another person, not even her. "If he drowns it's my fault!" Ken proclaimed. "I'm the one who dragged him out here! He wanted to spend the holidays with his kids but I told him 'Christmas and children don't mix.'"

Suddenly, a light bulb flicked on above Sly's head. And Idea began to sprout by one small seed. From the way that Ken was acting, it showed that he cared a lot for Bob. Would Ken goes as far as to celebrate the holidays with Bob? Sly didn't know. But he did know this. Ken cared for Bob so much, that he would do anything for the man. And if that man was gone, he would do anything to honor the memory of his drinking companion. So, with that idea in mind, Sly suddenly wanted to put it to the test.

Carmelita, was trying to calm her father down. Sly held a hand out between the two, interrupting them.

"Carm….I'm sorry." Sly proclaimed as he tried to act suspicious and shocked. "But…..I think your father might have killed a man."

Ken looked into Sly's eyes. Ken was shocked and frighten. The idea was possible, and with the disappearance of Bob, Ken almost began to weep. It couldn't be true. It shouldn't true. But what gave Ken the worst sadness of all, was the fact that he might have actually killed Bob.

Sly tried hiding his evil smile, and so far it was working.

* * *

_It was as if Opportunity was knocking on my door, and I replied. The conversation sort of went like this in my head._

"_Opportunity? Is that you knocking? Say what? You want me to convince my father-in-law that he killed his best friend on Christmas so he will celebrate in memory of his fake deceased friend? But Why?_

_Because in a way, it was also a bit of revenge for the crap that Ken put Carmelita through when she was a child. He never celebrated Christmas, so when Carmelita was young, she was denied that privilege of the spirit of joy. Carmelita told me of how her father would go to extravagant length's to make sure she didn't celebrate Christmas._

_You want to know the harshest story? She was woken up on Christmas one morning, and the conversation between her and Ken went something like this._

_Ken: *waking up his sleeping nine year old daughter.* Carmelita wake up! It's Christmas morning!_

_Carm: *surprised.* really dad. What did Santa bring?_

_Ken: NOTHING! Your new mommies a Jew; blame her. _

_So that is why I decided to get a little mischievous that night. I was eating revenge pie, and it was sweet._

_A little cold though. *winks sarcastically again*_

* * *

Sly was freaking out. He dragged Carmelita back onto the houseboat to explain his plan. He was jumping around like a teenager who was rewarded concert tickets to his favorite band. His wrists were flapping in delight. The whole plan was just so amazing that Cooper was leaping with Joy. His wife, however, had no clue what Sly was doing. To her, it seemed that her husband had lost his marbles. She wanted to know what was going on, and it was Sly's intention to tell her.

But she beat him to the punch. Once they were inside, Carmelita's eyes thrived with amazement and confusion, and she spoke first.

"Sly!" she yelled at the increasingly over joyful husband. "What are you doing? Bob isn't dead!"

"Yes!" Sly sang with happiness and deviousness in his voice. "But Ken, _thinks _he is. He's going to be all sad, and mope, and you can just shove your Christmas spirit down his throat. This is the perfect time to do it."

Carmelita gasped in shock. She took a step back and covered her agape mouth with her hand in amazement. Her eyes were now screaming the emotions of utter shock. She was offended and appalled by the idea. This was so _evil. _It was downright wrong in her opinion. Sly was making her father believe that he killed his best friend on Christmas, to celebrate Christmas. It was horrible. And Sly should have been ashamed of himself. After a few moments of amazed silence, she got back her old death stare, and placed on hand on her hips, and one finger pointing at Sly judgmentally as she spoke.

"You _cannot _use Christmas as a _weapon!" _Carmelita proclaimed.

"Well not with that attitude were, not." Sly retorted, equally offended.

Before they could speak again, they were interrupted by the sound of ….._crying. _Someone was actually crying on Christmas Eve. They turned their heads to find Ken, stumbling across the doorway as tears streamed down his face. Words could not describe the emotional output of depression that Ken was expressing. And what was even worst was that each sob began with Ken screaming "BOB!" before emotionally breaking down.

Carmelita pointed at her father, and looked towards her husband."Look at him." She told Sly.

"I know…It's perfect." Sly proclaimed.

Carmelita had enough of this. While she would admit that her father was a raging, arrogant, drunken asshole of a parent, he was still her dad. And she could no longer bear seeing her dad like this. So, turning towards her dad, she opened her mouth and tried to speak the truth. It was time that the truth was told.

"Ken," Carmelita stated. "I have something to tell you about Bob."

It was at this point that Sly figured out what Carmelita was trying to do. If the truth was told now, all would be ruined. Ken would get drunk, and possibly beat his ass for lying to him, and the whole Christmas operation would be thrown out the window. Sly had worked too hard and had too much preparation built into this plan just to back out now. So jumping around his wife, Sly interrupted her. "DEAD, Bob." Sly proclaimed as he got closer to Ken. Then, it was at this moment, when Sly noticed that Ken was looking at him with a forlorn and confused face; it was time to show off his acting skills. Sly squinted his eyes, and lifted his hands up as if her were a beggar. This was to show that he was amazed. "Who you killed!" Sly said in utter shock.

Ken's face now became angry. His once open mouth turned itself into a scowl. When Sly made this accusation, Ken finally lost it. If no one was going to defend him, he'd have to do it himself. He barked towards Sly with anger apparent in his voice.

"HEY!" Ken shouted. "It's not my fault that Bob's dead." And that's when Ken did the unthinkable. He pointed at his own daughter; Carmelita, and accused her. "If anything it's her fault."

Carmelita turned towards her dad. Her face was sequenced in repressed anger. And with each passing second, her eyes got wider and wider, and her face got redder and redder. She was going to lose it. How could a man, even a drunken man, blame his daughter for a death that she didn't comment?

"I dragged Bob out here to get him away from your chirpy annoying Christmas cheer. And you songs about baby Jesus," Ken proclaimed as his anger turned to frustration. "But you couldn't have it that way, could you Carm. No! Instead, you bring the Christmas cheer here, and you killed Bob over the head with it!"

"I DID NOT KILL BOB!" Carmelita screamed; finally losing her cool. The volume of the scream was so loud, Sly felt like he just got punched in the face. The fury within her voice was overwhelming. Carmelita, immediately after the yell, closed her eyes, and tried to calm herself down. She proceeded to her zen zone, and began to think about what to say next. And while it was so wrong to do this, with each passing second, Sly's idea about shoving that holiday cheer down Ken's throat was becoming more and more tempting. That mental wall eventually crumbled, and Carmelita decided that it was time for revenge. "You killed Bob!" Carmelita proclaimed. "If anything, your hatred of Christmas was what stirred Bob to jump off this boat in the first place."

Ken's face was that of enlightenment. The knowledge he received suddenly began to click. Light bulbs in his head began to flicker on as switches were switched. He know bought into the lie that he killed Bob, and that it was his hatred of the holiday cheer that drove Bob to his death. "….oh, my god. She's right." Ken said to Sly, who was closing his eyes and nodding politely and caringly. Ken was no starting to lose it once more. The tears streamed down his face. "He was just a noble guy!" Ken declared. "He was just a normal…"

Ken immediately ran to towards the bathroom and closed the door behind him. It was now apparent that Ken was crying his soul out in that small little restroom.

Sly walked over to Carmelita, with a strange look upon his face. Carmelita looked down at the ground, twiddling her thumbs, as if she was disappointed with herself (like any sane person would be after lying to their parents).

Sly….seemed confused.

"…wow." Sly said silently, and utterly amazed. "You just help me make Ken think he just killed his best friend on Christmas Eve." Silence filled the cabin room, as Carmelita felt more and more ashamed. Suddenly, she was gripped in a tight and loving bear hug by her husband, and was winged around in a circle. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," Sly proclaimed as he held his wife tight. Sly's voice switched from confusion to happiness. "You're the most amazing wife ever!"

* * *

_Some people, they are so full of the Christmas spirit that you can't beat it out of them with a stick._

_Or a bat with a bunch of nails on the end._

…_.which, ironically, is a Christmas tradition in Denmark._

* * *

The whole gang was now inside the houseboat. All of them in the same room, doing different activities. Carmelita and Bentley were decorating the Christmas tree with tinsel. Linda Dog was fixing herself some hot cocoa. Murray was finding the secrete stash of candy canes that the group hid from him, and Ken…..well….he just sat and watch.

He had the look of boredom and sadness on his face as he watched his daughter and her friends celebrating Christmas. He wanted to drink away these thoughts of depression that he was reveling in. but since the house boat was not stacked with booze, Ken had to repress these feelings. He felt like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. He rested his head with his hand as his knuckles came under his chin. He felt like utter shit. He killed his best friend. It was a thought that would make anyone, feel so rotten and depressed, that it almost ate you alive.

Sly, told Ken that he went upstairs to call search and rescue to see if they could find traces of Bob's body. In actuality; however, Sly just went upstairs to do another victory dance. This was perfect. Ken was now falling victim of the prey. Ken was now accepting the fact that Bob might be dead. All that was left was to make Ken honor the fake dead man, by celebrating Christmas. In order to do that, Ken had to feel that Christmas was the only way to remove his guilt. Sly ran back down stairs for the kill.

"Ken." Sly called out as he slowly walked down the stairs. The fox turned upright to watch his son-in-law walk down the steps. "I radioed search and rescue. They said that they couldn't search for the body until the body reached sufficient bloat age." Sly made sure that when he said the last two words of his sentence, he was only a few inches from Ken's ear.

Ken turned around to see Sly's face. Ken looked both sadden and surprised.

Sly pretended to sniffle a bit and dry his eyes. The thevious racoonest is great for acting tips. Ken was convinced that Sly was choking up. "Poor Bob," Sly stated under his breath.

Ken's lip quivered as the fox about cried again.

Bentley, who had noticed how sad Ken was becoming, decided to try and lift the fox's mood. After all, it was Bentley's intentions to lift people's spirits. And it twas the season to be jolly, not sadden. Besides' wasn't there a rule about Christmas that had something to do with good will towards all men? So Bentley decided to add his two cents to the conversation, trying to brighten Ken's negative attitude.

Besides, everyone, including Bentley, was now aware and taking part in the big heist to trick Ken into celebrating Christmas; fully knowing that Bob was not actually dead.

"Oh, come on Mr. Fox" Bentley proclaimed as he grabbed a hand full of tinsel. "See, watch this. You take each strand, and you place it on the branches, one at a time." Bentley proceeded to do this carefully. He smiled, laughed, and clapped in joy when only a small fraction of the tinsel was now on a single branch. "See, that's what make is shimmer." Bentley said happily.

Ken, was all to unimpressed. "Back off." Ken replied in an angry monotone. "I'm not ready for your shimmering fairy world."

"Hey, hey, hey." Carmelita commented repeatedly, defending Bentley. She slowly began walking over to her father. "It's too bad that Bob couldn't be here." Carmelita said, trying to sound compassionate and considerate towards her father. Ken just continued to eat up the bait.

"It really is." Ken replied softly, as he looked away.

Sly now started walking towards Ken. "He always paid attention to the little things." Carmelita inquired.

"It's true…*sniff* little things." Ken stated as his voice began to crack with sobbing.

Sly now got really close to Ken. This was it. This was the moment for the kill. If Sly could just say the right things from here on out, Ken would be so submissive. Sly, politely and compassionately, grabbed his father-in-law hand, and rubbed it gently. "The little things," Sly repeated with wisdom and caring in his voice. "Isn't that what makes life so special."

Murray, who was directly behind Sly and Carmelita, and who had heard 100% of the conversation, decided to ask a question.

"I thought it was big women with little heads and giant breast that made life so special?" The pink hippo inquired.

"BOB LOVED BIG WOMEN WITH LITTLE HEADS AND GIANT BREAST!" Ken sobbed out at the memory of Bob.

Bentley reached around Ken. He grabbed a small, fluffy item and pulled it around Ken, and showed it to the fox. It was a very small angle, made of cloth, which was supposed to be placed on top of the tree. Bentley was suggesting silently that it was Ken, who should be given the honor, to place the angle on the top. Although it was a small act, it was a great act of compassion that warmed the hearts of everyone in the room. Ken however, was still confused. And besides, he fully didn't know if he deserved such an honor.

"Come on," Bentley said playfully as he wiggled the angle.

"Take the angle, dad." Carmelita replied as she patted Ken on the chest. "Do it for me. Please?"

"If you aren't going to do it for her, at least do it for Bob." Sly said warmly to Ken.

"And besides," Murray added as he touched the doll, trying to get a good look of it. "It sort of looks like she has big tits."

Ken grabbed the doll with both of his hands, and studied it for a while. The doll looked so small and fragile. It reminded Ken of life; how one minute, you could be soaring across clouds, and then the next minute, you could be dead. Bob didn't deserve to die. And Ken felt like such a fool for bringing Bob out here. However, knowing that Bob would have wanted him to do this, Ken decided that he was no longer going to be a scrooge. Tonight, he was making a vow from here to forever. Ken was going to celebrate Christmas; if not for he, than at least for Bob.

"All right," Ken said as he made his way over to the tree. The gang followed him as Ken made small steps towards the tree. Each of the members was smiling in anticipation. Ken, finally reached the tree, and stood still for a bit. He took one last look at the tree, and one last look at the doll, before he finally came to the conclusion, that this is what would've Bob wanted. "For Bob!" Ken declared as he pinned the angle to the top of the tree.

Out of all the people in the group, Sly seemed to be smiling the most. _Hook, line, and sinker._

* * *

_Honestly, if I would've known that this was going to make Ken turn into Father Christmas, I would have made him believe that he killed his best friend a lot sooner._

_Sometimes, when it's right in front of you, you just don't see it._

* * *

This was by far, the happiest moment in Sly's life. Everyone was having a wonderful time. There was nothing in the atmosphere but pure peace and Joy among the group. If you looked up the definition of 'perfect', this moment should have been made into a picture and placed right beside the word. Everyone was happy. But the most shocking thing was that Ken was the happiest. For the first time in Sly's life, the raccoon actually saw his father-in-law singing in joy. Of course, that's what the whole gang was doing. After the whole gang grabbed a glass of hot cocoa, they began singing Christmas carols together. While some were off key, it didn't matter. They were having some of the greatest fun they ever had on Christmas Eve. They were currently wrapping up 'the twelve days of Christmas'; and all had a ten miles wide small planted on their face.

"_And a partridge in a pear tree,"_ the whole gang finished in unison, and afterwards laughing.

Unbelievably, Ken was the happiest out of all of them. He sang louder than anyone in the group, and his smile was defiantly the biggest. If you'd tell Ken years ago that he'd be enjoying Christmas carols, he would have laughed in your face. But now, Ken was actually laughing from the joy of the melodies he was experiencing.

"You know what's funny?" Ken proclaimed after finishing the song. "Five golden rings is _exactly _how many rings I've placed on a woman."

The whole gang laughed together at the joke. It was a wonderful time they were experiencing. They all felt so joyful. And Ken was so happy. He even told his daughter that he was actually having a type of fun he never thought he'd experience. But Sly knew the true reason why this was all going so well. As long as Ken felt some remorse, and still thought Bob was dead, then Ken would continue celebrating Christmas with the gang. And while the ringtail was enjoying seeing Ken so happy, he felt that it was time to remind Ken why he was still celebrating.

So Sly, very slowly, began to raise his glass. "I'd like to make a toast." The raccoon announced. "For Bob."

Immediately, everyone raise their glasses too in appreciation. Ken was actually the only one raising his glass out of true emotion. The rest of the gang complied, realizing that if they continued to act, the more believable the lie would be.

"Bob was a great guy," Sly began. "and if he knew that his being killed would actually make Ken celebrate Christmas for the first time…..well….he'd be pretty pissed off cause no one like to be dead. But in all seriousness, if he was here, right now, I'd believe he'd say…"

"….Who the hell put me in a little boat?"

The whole room immediately became silent. A pin drop could have been heard from thousands of miles away. It was unbelievable. The whole reality of the situation was insane. It had to be impossible. But for some reason, out of nowhere, the gang could have sworn they just heard Bob's voice. Very slowly, and timidly, Sly and the rest of the gang turned their heads towards the door.

And that's when they received the biggest shocker of all. Standing in the door way, was a very tall, and soaking wet German Sheppard. They could tell that he was in the midst of a hangover, because his face was squinting due to the light, and his hair was completely messed up. He wobbled into the room. And Sly became filled with tension.

Bob was alive.

And Sly, Carmelita, Linda, Murray, and Bentley were scared shitless. Fear pierced their hearts like a bullet. The weight of distressed caused their stomachs to fall to their groins. The fear in the atmosphere was heavy, and all of their eyes were widen to the size of saucers.

Ken, however, was so happy, that he literally leaped with joy, and gripped the German Sheppard in a massive bear hug. "Oh Bob!" Ken cried in joy. "Thank God you're alive, what happened?"

"I remember passing out by the kitchen," the ripping wet dog recalled. "When I woke up, I was out in the middle of the ocean on a little raft. I don't know how the hell I got there, but I don't remember passing out on it."

It was at this point, that Murray cracked. The tension was too much. He started jumping up and down, and running in a circle. His body flapped as if it were on fire. Sly had to run over to the frantic Murray to try and calm him down. But trying to calm down the pink hippo was like trying to hold on to an electric power drill that was five times more powerful and bigger than he was. He felt like he was the one being shaken back into reality, rather than Murray was the one being shaken. Murray was frantic. He was losing it.

"Murray!" Sly screamed as he tried his hardest to make Murray stop his frantic dance of suspense. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Dude, Ken is going to see through our lie! He is going to know that I put Bob in the boat and lied about it!" Murray yelled a bit too loud. Ken heard everything.

Sly's heart was now pounding every millisecond. He had the heart ate of a cheetah. The anxiety that filled his soul almost made him snap. Ken now knew that Bob didn't actually die, and that this was a horrible lie told by his son-in-law. This was a low hitter. He said that Ken's best friend _died. _Death was not something to joke about around Ken. Sly was now fearful, and anxiously awaited for Ken's brutal retaliation.

Ken looked forlorn. He also looked like he was in deep mediation. He had the looked of shock and disbelieve on his face, as he evaluated and pondered all of the gang's actions from when he woke up to now. A few seconds of dreaded uncomfortable silence filled the void, as the atmosphere gained a thick fog of suspension. And that's when Ken gave his reaction to the lie. And it was a reaction that no one even thought he'd do. It was so irrational, that it only made the fear worst. Ken did something that made the whole gang quiver in their boots.

He laughed.

He laughed so hard, that snot started bursting from his nose. His face became redder than any other Christmas decoration, and he began to lose his breath due to his insane laughter. When he turned to face Sly, that's when the raccoon felt the most unsafe. He literally jumped back in fear, and the others did as well. They tensed up and flinched as Ken's laugh almost became a deadly snort. Ken's eyes flared with intense insanity, and it scared the living daylights out of the gang.

"Oh man," Ken breathed in laughter. "You guy's really got me."

"Me too," Bob replied as he placed his hand on the shoulders of his drinking buddy.

The reaction they got from the gang was a nervous smile.

"Oh come on," Ken proclaimed as he continued to laugh evilly. "You guy's made me have Christmas. You made me think that my best friend was dead. I got to hand it to you," Ken let that comment hang in the air, as he got his face only three inches away from the ringtail's face. Sly's fear was now at the breaking point. But Sly still couldn't show his fear, and his face showed a nervous smile. While Ken's face sported an evil smile.

"….so you're not mad?" Sly asked timidly; shaking from the fear.

"No," Ken reassured them. "I mean, if I learned anything here today, it's that there is nothing more precious than our loved ones. And that's the greatest gift a guy can get." After patting Bob on the back, Ken turned his attention back to the gang, and began to yell. "NOW! WHO'S READY FOR MORE CHRISTMAS!" to which Ken proceeded to laugh more.

Carmelita ran up behind her husband and viciously and repeatedly elbowed her husband on his side. She leaned in very close to her husband's ear, and cupped her mouth so that Ken couldn't read her lips. Her message was a message of fear and turmoil. Carmelita, whispered very harshly, "MY DAD IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL US!"

* * *

_Let's read a Christmas story, shall we. It's called 'How The Kenge's got his Revenge'. **(Parody of 'how The Grinch stole Christmas'.)**_

_The Kenge is a man so brutally vicious_

_So dark and so nasty, so wickedly malicious _

_So full of revenge he'd stuff snarly young creep's_

_Of bugs into your pants and under your feet_

_As Carmelita grew up she came to learn_

_That if you messed with the Kenge, you would get burned_

_For his hate was like fire, and his revenge was like wood_

_He'd pick on his children cause he can, and would_

_He chainsaw your bed while you sleep like a pup_

_All because it was a school day, and you were late getting up_

_And he'd make all you clothes garbage disposal…ly_

_Cause you left the door open and made his toes frosty _

_And to top it all off, his rankest of ranks_

_He'd unzip his pants and pee in your gas tank_

_Of the car which you own "cause you forgot to do your home work," he explaineded_

_Cause you stayed up all night, smoking pot, getting brain dead._

* * *

**Still in Cooper's Diary.**

_Now, I have to pause this story for a second to explain something very important if anyone is reading my dairy. Carmelita __**did**__ at one point in her life,__** smoked pot. **__And if you're looking for someone to blame, blame Ken. _

_Ken was a rabid pot farmer, and when Carmelita was in , that was the only way the family could get income. Ken grew the plant in the back yard and made a profit off it by selling to some of his friends at his job as a sales consultant._

_That was usually Ken's method to selling his company's products. He'd get the client so high that he'd agree to anything. But eventually, Ken lost that job and being a pot farmer was all Ken had left to gain income._

_So being raised around the sage, Carmelita and her friends when they got older, began taking quote unquote 'free sample's' of the pot. And the main reason she became a cop, was when she figured out that it was wrong, she wanted to do something that was so anti-pot that she'd never smoke again._

_She told me that when she and her friends use to smoke weed, they'd frolic in the huge bushes of pot in the backyard. _

_They use to play a game, which she called "Hide and go….."_

_Yeah, the weed was that good._

* * *

"C'mon Bob," Ken told his amigo. "How about you and I go check out the lake while these people here try to figure out what the spirit of this season is all about." Ken then patted Bob on the back. And as if Sly wasn't tense enough, Ken did one thing that absolutely made everyone believe he was crazy. Ken sang. He sang to his heart's content the course of 'Jingle Bells' as he and Bob danced outside to the deck. When Ken passed Sly and the gang; whose backs were now fully placed up against the wall due to total fear, Ken flashed a vicious smile.

And then, Ken went for the kill. It was a small act, but it was an act that none the less, made everyone in the room so suspenseful, that you could feel the electricity of tension everywhere. Ken slowly closed the door behind him, staring through it as the crack got smaller and smaller. As the door got closer and closer to getting shut, Ken's singing became slower and slower. Not to mention, the way he was singing right now made Ken seem like a totally evil person. And to top it all off, Ken had only one more word to say.

"Bye," Ken said with a malicious smile and evil eyes. And with that, he slammed the door shut.

Silence.

That was the only thing going through the cabin at this moment. After the initial shock of the door slamming shut, the atmosphere became drenched in morbid fear and horrible suspension. What was Ken going to do now? Where was he going? The heart rates of every single individual in that house boat was now so fast, that their heartbeats could have been recorded and then used as a double bass pedal for a death metal song.

Sly's eyes were widen with anxiety as he placed his ears on the door; trying to see if Ken was doing anything. He looked back at Bentley, who was shaking in his shell. The look that Sly gave forth was a look of apprehension and turmoil; as if to say 'do you know what's going on?'

Bentley looked back at Carmelita, who's mouth was gapped open in fear. Her eyes twitched rapidly as she tried to comprehend what the hell was going on. As a cop, she had faced numerous crooks, countless villains, and had fought hand to hand against some of the roughest and most dangerous criminals ever. But no amount of physical preparation, mental preparation, training, experience, or bravery you could gain from being a cop, could match up against the most fearful of the dreaded, and most scariest of men; Ken Fox.

Murray looked away from the group. He gripped the chair that was in front of him. He was gripping it so tightly, that he began to rip it. He didn't tear it to pieces, but he was really close to. And a nervous sweat poured down his body like water falls down a cliff.

Dreadful and anxious silence continued on for a good two minutes.

And then Bentley cracked.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Bentley screamed.

The sudden noise caused the whole gang to burst out screaming in shock. Once they realized that Bentley was the source of the noise, panic began to flow onto the gang like water flowing on a river. It didn't take long after Bentley's outburst, for the rest of the gang to follow, and become extremely paranoid. (As if they weren't paranoid enough.) Each of their actions was now over reactive and supremely over the top.

Case in point, once Bentley had his outburst and Sly realized that it was Bentley who screamed, the raccoon noticed his friend Murray, grabbing a handful of cookies that was on the chair in front of him. (Being a nervous eater, and a person who eats when nervous, Murray grabbed lots.) Sly immediately was filled with paranoia.

He screamed, ran over to Murray, grabbed the cookies out of the hippo's hand, and immediately crushed them. "DON'T EAT IT!" Sly screamed. "IT COULD BE POISONED!"

Carmelita rushed over to the door, looked out the window, and proceeded to give off a scream that would make any b-rated horror movie actress jealous. "FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHAT THE HELL IS MY FATHER DOING OUT THERE!" she screamed in horror.

Suddenly, Murray ran up besides the horrified fox, and began to 'shush' her. "WAIT!" The hippo whispered harshly. "I THINK I HEAR HIM." The hippo placed his ear on the door. The whole gang was now focused on the pink hippo who seemed to be listening to the door pretty intently.

"he's moving," Murray eventually said after a long period of silence. Suddenly, the hippo changed his mind. "No wait, he isn't…oh god…..i think he's in." and that's when Murray came up with a terribly horrifying conclusion, that was both wrong realistically, but right metaphorically. "OH GOD! HE'S IN MY HEAD!" Murray screamed. The hippo continued to scream more as he started jumping around the house boat.

Sly ran over to his buddy, and shook him back to reality. "Calm down," Sly instructed. "He's not in your head." Suddenly, and intense wave of paranoia and fear swept up his spine. Sly could only come up with one possible explanation. "OH GOD! NOW HE'S IN MY HEAD!" Sly screamed; to which afterwards, he proceeded to jump around and shake his head violently just like Murray did earlier.

Suddenly, Linda Dog pointed towards the door. "THERE HE HIS!" Linda screamed out loud.

The whole gang, excluding Linda, screamed at the same time. They jumped down onto the ground and curled up their bodies into the fetal position, waiting for an angry Ken to release his vengeance. The gang was now in duck and cover mode. They landed on the ground like a solider lands when he sees a grenade. They quivered in their position for a long time. Then they looked up and noticed an amused Linda who was laughing her ass off.

"God, I'm going to love spending Christmas with you guys." She laughed at their turmoil.

* * *

_When it comes to vengeance, I've learned from Carmelita's childhood stories that you have to beat Ken to the punch. _

_Carmelita told me one story of her when she was five and she had a stuffed teddy bear named Rufus. Rufus was her best friend. She carried it with her wherever she went as a little girl, and also promised the teddy bear that she would never harm him._

_Until one day, she accidently ran her bike into the side of her father's car. _

_And she knew that Ken was going to take vengeance, so she had to beat him to it._

_The only remains that you can find of Rufus, is a torn to shreds teddy bear with the head cut off, living in a box in Ken's attic._

_She told me, and I quote, "Rufus died, so that I could live. And yes Sly, for your information, EVERYDAY I FEEL GUILTY!"_

_So knowing that Ken was probably going to take his vengeance out on us and our Christmas spirit, we had to take the vengeance out on Christmas first._

_Warning: if you love Christmas, you might not want to continue reading my dairy._

* * *

Sly started viciously packing away the tree. He wasn't even gently making sure the braches were coming out of their sockets. Sly just began tugging and pulling the braches, and if the piece broke, fuck it, at least that was only less branch to worry about. As for ornaments, it didn't matter. Some got placed in the bag while other's fell and shattered to a million pieces. Sly hurried through packing everything up as if he were on meth. Carmelita was very confused and filled with distress. A.) Christmas was her favorite holiday and B.) Why was Sly acting so scared?

"Sly, what are you doing?" Carmelita asked concern with a cork in her brow.

"I'm taking Ken's vengeance for us." Sly described with fear running wild through his veins. He didn't even turn to acknowledge Carmelita. He just kept packing. "We have to destroy Christmas before he destroys us."

Carmelita seemed to be the only one hesitant to destroy anything. The original members of the gang, however, were immediately pumped. And the only objective on their mind was to break everything in sight. Even Bentley, who was so usually so nerdy and un-masculine, got a big gruff deep tone in his voice, and shouted through his thick glasses, "HELL YEAH. LET'S TEAR THIS BITCH UP!" He immediately grabbed the garland that was wrapped around the cabinets, and pulled them down as if the garland was his mortal enemy.

Carmelita slowly pulled the small angle doll that was placed on top of the tree. She bought it down with a tear in her eye as she studied the doll's face. She couldn't do this. It was against her nature. She loved Christmas and she would do nothing to harm it. With a hand to her heart as it fluttered with a mixture of sadness and nostalgia, she began to speak.

"Sly, I don't think I can do this." She said as if she were disappointed. "I can't hurt Christmas."

Sly leaned in to her face with the most frail and fear tainted eyes. "Carm," he said soothingly at first. Then he went ballistic. "THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER CHRISTMAS IF KEN KILLS US!"

"YOUR RIGHT!" Carmelita screamed, suddenly realizing Sly's reasoning, and with panic and fear in her voice, she snapped the dolls neck.

At this point, Sly felt someone tap his back. He turned around to find a militarily firm and focus Murray. In one hand, was a chicken leg. And in the pink hippo's right hand, was the ham. He brought both items of food up to his face. "I got the food," Murray declared. And with that, he used his giant, fat, blobby hippo tongue, and began licking the ham as if it were Ice cream.

While Sly began gagging as he saw the sight of his best friend French kissing a ham and turkey, he suddenly heard a loud crash. This was followed by the tinkle of shards of glass falling to the floor. His ears twitched immediately, and Sly turned around to find the source of the noise. Lind dog stood there, with a frying pan in her hand. Sly could already tell by the broken window that was three paces from her left, that it was her who demolished the window. Sly suddenly was filled with anger.

"Hey, Hey, Hey!" Sly proclaimed as he rushed over to Linda dog. "Destroy Christmas! Not the houseboat! This belongs to a friend of mine and I have to pay him for any damages."

She replied by only shrugging her shoulders, and then violently slamming the frying pan into the window next to the broken one. As the glass fell, she sarcastically exclaimed. "Oops. Hand must have slipped."

As Sly's anger began to boil, he began to hear the sound of laughter. But the laughter sounded muffled, almost as if it were coming from a distance. Suddenly the muffle laughter became clearer as he heard the sound of a door being opened. He turned around to find Ken and Bob, walking back into the boat, laughing together like drinking buddies commonly did. Everyone immediately stood still. They became tense as they watched the fox and the hound enter the houseboat.

Slowly, but surly, Ken and Bob took in the sight of the damage. The tree: Ruined. The Garland: Destroyed. The Lights: Pulled out of the wall as if a bull was dragging it, leaving scraps and staples in its path. Ken's face suddenly became confused. He was flabbergasted. What was going on? What happened to Christmas? The room became silent as they both looked concerned and confused. Then, after a long period of silence, Bob was the first to speak.

"…in my family, we usually keep our decorations up till February." Bob commented.

Ken took only three seconds out of his precious time to look at Bob. Once those three seconds were up, Ken went off on one of those tantrums that made him the powerhouse king of anger and mean dad's it wasn't a long tantrum, but he more than made up for it in volume. It was only six words, and those words were, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Sly gave off a powerful laugh that lasted a millisecond. It was almost a laugh of discovery. Sly felt that he had Ken right where he want him. With the forlorn look upon Ken's face, the ringtail assumed that Ken was disappointed for now he couldn't dish out his vengeance. Why? Because Sly took Ken's own vengeance and placed it on him. Sly smiled smug as he continued placing away Christmas lights into a yellow trash sack.

"We are being miserable." He confidently replied.

"Ha! Got your ass!" Bentley stated from the back.

"We couldn't be more miserable. We can't get much lower." Carmelita exclaimed, over reacting as she hung her head low.

"I ATE A HAM!" Murray replied like a boastful King, with a ham bone in his right fist as he sat on a wooden chair.

Ken looked at the group of four as if they commented a murder. His eyes were widened and his mouth was gapped open in astonishment. After he twitched his head around the room and gave everybody the look of disconcert, he held his hands up to his temples. His eyes squeezed shut forcefully. To the gang, it looked as if Ken got an immediate head ache. Then, he lifted his hands off his temples, and his eyes opened slowly in disappointment.

"Look, if you guys want to screw up your Christmas day, go right ahead." Ken replied looking at the group. "But don't screw up mine." He added. He looked at the Christmas tree with nostalgia. "I mean, for the first time in my life, All this stuff means something to me." He reached out, grabbed an ornament, and plucked it from the tree.

"EVERYBODY DOWN!" Sly screamed as he duck and covered in the spot to which he was already standing at.

To the group, this act looked completely unreasonable. But if you asked Sly, it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. That ornament could have been a bomb detonator planted on the tree, or it could have been a grenade disguised as a Christmas decoration for all Sly knew. But the fact was this. The ornament was just and ornament and Sly had now presented himself as a fool.

Ken shook his head in disappointment. He held out his hands and went over to Sly. "Sly," Ken began caringly.

Sly took it the wrong way though. Seeing Ken coming towards him, Sly thought that the fox was coming in to attack him. Sly immediately panicked. With a giant "Ahh," of surprise, Sly ran away a few inches from Ken.

Ken was very persistent. He kept trying to grab Sly so that the ringtail could pay attention. But the more he got closer, the more Sly tried scooting away. Ken was getting a little frustrated. "Come on, Sly," Ken whined.

"AHH!" Sly screamed again as he backed up more. Suddenly, his back was against the kitchen island. Sly had nowhere to run. So, trying to see if he could annoy Ken away, he began screaming more and more. It was a repeated scream. It made Sly almost sound like a monkey.

Ken, holding his hands only two inches way from Sly's shoulders, grabbed Sly's hands in front of the ringtail. Sly winced upon the touch, and screamed more. Suddenly, scream died down. Sly slowly opened his eyes. The fact that he wasn't dead yet was very confusing. Once his eyes were fully opened, he saw Ken fox standing in front of him, holding his hands at bay. And he saw a look in Ken's eyes that he never saw before; compassion. Ken slowly and softly spoke.

"When I was growing up Sly, I never had anything." Ken began. Suddenly, his eyes beamed with joy. "But today, I got something back." He turned and motioned his fried, Bob, to join him. Bob walked over and Ken placed a hand on Bob's shoulder. "Now I know what Christmas is all about." Suddenly, Ken turned around and faced Sly. This time, the fox's eyes were burning with intense frustration. "But I cannot stand to be around all this negativity!"

"Yeah, you guys are really bumming me out." Bob commented.

"Me too!" Ken proclaimed. Then he looked directly at Sly. "Look, I came over to your side and you abandoned me."

Suddenly, a resounding _thud _struck Cooper in the gut. This was a direct blow. Sly now felt like a total ass. Ken had finally given in to the Christmas spirit, and for the first time of his life, Ken was enjoying it. Sly had to let his fear ruing the fun for everyone. His fear and assumptions created a whole mess out of the holiday. Christmas was ruined, and it was his fault. Ken wasn't after revenge. Ken wasn't after anything expected to finally enjoy the holiday. Sly felt stupid. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn't find the strength to.

"Come on Bob," Ken stated as he patted his buddy on the back. "Let's go spend Christmas with _your _family. Maybe they'll be a lot nicer."

Carmelita, at this moment, received the vicious blow from guilt as well. Unlike Sly, However; she found the courage to speak up and apologize. "No," Carmelita apologetically whined. "Please stay dad. It would mean so much to us. We're sorry."

"Yes Ken," Sly called out, finally gaining the courage. "Please stay with us for Christmas Eve. It would mean so much to us. It's the whole reason I rented the houseboat. Please?"

"Please stay Ken sir," Murray called out. "I promise I won't eat the turkey."

Ken chuckled at this comment. His head hung back in a laugh. He still had a smile on his face once the laughing died down. He looked like he was thinking, and then he came to a conclusion. "I'll tell you what," Ken began. "I'll take Bob back to the shore so that he can spend Christmas with his family, and then I'll come right back."

Ken placed a hand on Bob's shoulder. "Are you up for that?" Ken asked.

Suddenly, Bob began twitching. His eyes immediately began blinking randomly. His legs jittered as if he had an itch. And At first, the gang assumed, knowing that Bob was well over 50, that Bob was having a stroke. Suddenly, Bob's hands went to the waist and entered the hemline of His pants. "Yeah, I'm fine." Bob declared as he grunted. He moved his hands around in his pants. Suddenly, a strange flapping noise was heard. Bob pulled his left hand out of his pants and revealed the culprit to all his twitching. It was a tiny baby catfish. "I have a tiny fish in my pant's" Bob declared.

* * *

_As me and Carmelita helped Ken into the boat, and as Bob tossed the baby catfish back out to sea, I had happy thoughts flowing through my mind. And as I watched Ken row back out to shore, I was thinking this._

"_Wow. Ken's a new man. He's learned that forgiveness is better than hate and vengeance. Maybe next year, I and Carm can teach Ken that heart attacks are not like women, and you can't just keep getting them."_

_Then suddenly, when Ken was halfway between the shore and the boat, he stopped rowing._

* * *

"What's he doing?" Carmelita asked as she saw the silhouette of the boat and her dad stopped dead in the water.

"I don't know," Sly declared.

They whole gang watched from afar as the Ken shadow stood up in the boat; a very risky move to do. He reached down onto the boat and pulled up a medium size black suitcase. Sly was confused. He didn't remember seeing Ken with a black suitcase when they first tricked him into coming on the boat. But for some odd reason, the black suitcase seemed oddly familiar.

"That looks a lot like our flare g…"

Sly stopped his speech dead in his tracks. Fear rushed over him like a tidal wave. Panic hit him like a bucket of water. A sweet grew on his forehead as he saw the shadow of Ken pull out a strange looking device from the suitcase, and assemble it on the boat.

At this moment, Murray tapped Sly on his shoulder. The raccoon, briefly hesitant, looked down to where Murray was pointing. "Didn't we use to have a flare gun pack here?" Murray said as he pointed at a giant broken glass container.

Suddenly, a loud _ping _was heard. This was followed by an intense whistling. Sly looked towards the boat, and while it stood out there, it was covered with an increasingly growing red ball of light. Sly suddenly realized that Ken had shot the flare gun, and that the flare was coming towards them.

"EVERYBODY DOWN!" Sly screamed. This time, everyone did as he instructed. The whole gang ducked down and buried their heads as they saw this miniature, put powerful ball of fire flying towards the ship. Luckily, the gang ducked down in time for the flare to pass over them, and no one was harmed. However, if the gang had been paying attention to the angle at which the flare was shot, they would have realized the true target that Ken had planned on hitting, and did hit.

Suddenly, a loud _whoosh _was emitted from inside the Houseboat. Something had burst into flames. The gang turned around, and they saw a horrendous sight. The Christmas tree was on fire. The whole tree was burning with flames, and those flames were rushing upon the houseboat, and they knew it wouldn't be long before the whole Houseboat would be on fire. They also concluded, that Ken had taken the only remaining life boat, and if they were to survive, they would have to put on life jackets, and swim back to shore.

They heard Ken exclaim, as he rowed out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good freaking night!"

* * *

_Me and my friends survived, and no one was harmed. Expect for the fact that we had to swim back to shore in 40 degree waters. We were so cold after that, my snot grew icicles. _

_So, to conclude, let's finish our story, "The Kenge's revenge," Shall we?_

_Christmas is a time for joy love and peace_

_And throttling hot vengeance that will never cease_

_So no matter the volume of fussing you fuss_

_Or the wide angry streams of cussing you cuss_

_Your fate is sealed, when in mussing you must_

_The day the Kenge, got his revenge._

**LONG CHAPTER! Wow! I can't believe I typed that much.**

**And I know I posted this up early, but I like to get my stories up as soon as I'm finished typing. Yes, I do edit, but by the time I'm usually finishing typing, it's around time for me to go to bed, and my parents shout at me to hit the sack. (I know, pretty lame right? However, they are great parents who gave me great things, so I probably shouldn't judge.) **

**And besides that, I couldn't get around to typing this. High School basket is intense! Way more intense than I even imagined. If there isn't a game, there is an hour and a half practice after school. And I also have band practice, school Christmas plays to which I'm acting in…to sum it all up; I've had a hell of a time trying to write this. However, it is now finished. No, not the story, the chapter.**

**I believe that the ending of the story isn't far off now. I'm thinking of only doing 15 chapters. I hope you are enjoying it so far and will continue to read more, and share to as many people as possible.**

**Oh, and if you are reading this on December 25****th****…**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!( or haunaka, or quanza, or whatever holiday you celebrate. Pardon my spelling.)**

**Thank you, and PLEASE REVIEW.**


	10. Sex with pudding?

**Hello everyone. Sorry for the wait. I had a wonderful holiday season and I hope you did as well. I had some typing to do. I had lots of basketball practice. And the band I'm currently in, **_**Touch of Red, **_**had their second gig at the school for a lock in. I had a wonderful time. Anyways, I'm preparing for our school's court warming. I can't wait. I'm really excited, and the next day afterwards, I;m going to see **_**Ozzy Osbourne **_**Live! I'm so pumped.**

**Without further ado, sit back, relax, and I hope you enjoy.**

**Prologue: **

_When you're born, you're pure. You're unspoiled and trusting. And you believe in everything, and everyone._

_Carmelita was like that._

_Then she met her parents._

_At 5 years old, Carmelita was like a double agent. She wouldn't tell her father about his new girl cheating around on him, and she wouldn't tell her current mom at whatever time that Ken was cheating on her. She had to be a double agent. It wasn't like she wanted. She just had to. Her dad had been married Five times. _

_Knowing this, I made a vow that I would never end up like Ken, or Carm's mom._

_Or her mom._

_Or her mom._

_Or her mom._

…_or her mom._

_See what I mean?_

_Instead, I decided that I would always give the benefit of the doubt and live in total trust. I mean, it can't be that hard. _

_Or so I thought._

* * *

"My girlfriend's sleeping with some guy." Cooper dreadfully concluded as the elevator went up.

Sly, Bentley, and Murray were currently riding an elevator upwards towards Carmelita's working place. It was an extremely tense and suspenseful atmosphere. For one thing, the Interpol Police station was a place that was extremely off limits to the Cooper gang. Even though Sly was married to one of the main officers, his reputation of a master thief made him and the gang Interpol's top most wanted criminals. Even if he wasn't committing a crime at the moment, and that he had never committed a crime in 3 years, he was still a major criminal that the police were trying to catch.

Luckily, Sly and the gang had some high, "Grade A," professional disguises.

But that still didn't cover up the second reason that Sly felt so nervous. Recently, Sly was having doubts about his wife's trust. It started with some strange business dinners, and then lately, he received a strange combination of letters. And while Murray would believe in anything, Bentley tried to convince Sly that it was okay.

"You don't know that for sure." Bentley exclaimed calmly.

Sly flashed Bentley a serious look, and then reached into his coat pocket. "Two strange business dinners, and now this!" he pulled out the latest of strange letters that Sly was receiving. Once he un-crumpled it, he read it aloud, with a sarcastic and gloomy tone. "It says, Dear Carm, A rose peddles curves are nothing compared to yours." After finishing the note, he gave Bentley a corked brow. "Care to explain that, _genius!" _Sly sardonically explained.

Bentley seemed to be completely flabbergasted. As he tried to rightfully defended Carmelita, he realized that the more he spoke, the more and more idiotic his case sounded.

"Well," Bentley began. "Carmelita is a very efficient employee; a-a-and l-lots of her coworkers would admire her. And she h-happens to be a _very _attractive woman, a-a-and….uh…..they might remark on her resemblance to flowers?"

Sly listened to the entire conversation, with one brow cocked and both of his eyes focused on the turtle as he stumbled to make a sure fire argument defending this obscure and somewhat obscene note. When he failed to do so, Sly's face went for a confused and befuddled look. He had only one question.

"….Are you drunk?" Sly asked sarcastically.

* * *

_Carmelita is the one. I know this for sure. In the beginning, it was harmless flirtation and a small attraction. But as we kept running in to each other, time and time again, I realized my very powerful love and attraction for her. She's my heart, she's my soul. And she owns me._

_And when you give up your complete trust to someone, you have to make sure that they are not screwing around on you._

* * *

"What time you got?" Sly asked Bentley.

Bentley held out his wrist and began to read his watch. "It's 11:00 am."

Sly nod his head once in a serious manner. "Good, then that means she's at a staff meeting." The plan was coming into action. Sly was starting to act like a master detective, and not at all like a master thief. "Okay, here's the plan. We walk in, we asked some questions, and we gather evidence." Then he pointed at Bentley. "You're recon," Sly exclaimed. Then he pointed to Murray. "You're the diversion." Sly concluded. Then he turned and popped his neck, as he waited for the elevator to arrive on the 11th floor. "Let's do this."

At approximately that moment, the elevator doors opened. All of Sly's motivation had crumbled, when he seen what was in front of him. It was something that shocked the raccoon to his core, and made him stare at awe with his jaw to the floor.

Carmelita was holding on to another employee's tie. The man that Carmelita was laughing with, seemed to be in a pretty good mood, and didn't mind that Carmelita was tugging on his tie. The Fox Girl, was laughing really hard. She reminded Sly of a school girl, much to his utter horror. And Sly heard Carmelita exclaim, "Oh God, Chad. You're so funny!"

Sly was so shocked and sadden, that he didn't loose his astonished look of gloom as the elevator doors closed shut.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Sex with….Pudding?**

After a little while, the elevator doors finally re-opened. As Carmelita continued laughing and tugging on this seemingly positive Coworker's tie, she sensed the odd feeling that she was being watched. Then she turned and looked at the Elevator door. Even though their masks seemed to disguise them a lot, she noticed two things.

1. The three people in the elevator were obviously a turtle, a raccoon, and a hippo.

2. The hippo was left unmasked.

Spotting Murray immediately, she realized that Sly had shown up to her work space without her permission. And judging by the way he was slowly and intermittingly walking towards her and the coworker, she could tell that this trip was personal. At this point, the coworker noticed the gang as well. At first, he had no clue who they were. But he was defiantly sure that they were scaring him. He didn't have to wait too long to guest who the guests were, for after wrapping an arm around Carmelita, Sly announced himself to this man.

"Hi," Sly exclaimed in a nice but somewhat threatening manner. It was by the way he smiled and calmly explained himself that made Chad, the coworker shiver with fear. "My names Sly. I'm Carmelita's _boyfriend. _Prone to fits of anger." Then he held out his hand. Chad timidly shook Sly's hand. "Nice to meet-oh. Very feeble handshake you got there. You should pump some Iron; take care of this hand problem."

Chad was scared out of his wits. This man seemed very intimidating.

Carm was sporting a nervous smile and the presence of shock. She was absolutely astounded that Sly showed up at her workplace. Worst of all, he showed up acting like a total jerk to Chad, who had done nothing wrong, and was probably scared out of his wits. Carmelita, decided to help Chad out, laid out her hand on Sly's while the raccoon gripped the feline's hand in a rough hand shake. She looked Chad in the eyes and told the cat, "Chad, its okay. I'll see you in a second."

Chad, gave off a shy, "Okay," and then went on his way.

Before Carmelita could begin to tell her husband how much of a raging ass he was acting like, Sly gave off a quirky swagger as he looked at his wife straight in the eye. "You never mentioned Chad. So Chad is funny right?" Sly stated in a serious manner.

Carmelita rolled her eyes, and smiled sarcastically as she leaned in for a kiss. "Chad is just someone I work with. That's all." Then, after pecking Sly's lips in a sweet and syrupy kiss, her mood changed from nicely sweet, to sardonically sour. "Now, shall I step aside as you _mark your territory." _

As Sly scowled in a disappointed manner, Bentley laughed nervously as he tried to defend his buddy. Bentley slapped Sly on the shoulders, and began to speak. "Oh come on, Sly's way funnier than Chad." With a fake laugh, Bentley shook Sly in a friendly manner as he continued speaking. "Come on Sly. What was that you asked in the elevator earlier?"

With perfect comedic timing, and fully meaning what he was saying, Sly asked Bentley "Are you drunk?"

Bentley laughed at Sly's comment, while looking at Carmelita, and pointing at the ringtail.

"Yeah, hilarious." Carmelita sarcastically remarked. "You Guys know that you're not allowed in here right?" she asked. "If any of my workers found out who you actually are, you'd be in serious trouble. How'd you get past security?"

"What? These masks didn't cue you in?" Sly asked jokingly.

"Oh, I could see the masks. What's more was I could see how fake they looked."

"Really?" Bentley stated as he studied Sly's mask. "I thought they'd actually work."

"Besides that," Carmelita interrupted. "If you guys didn't have the masks, how else were you going to get in here?"

"Well, we figured that if you walk in with confidence, nobody will bother you." Sly commented. Carmelita jerked her head towards Murray. Sly looked at the hippo, realizing that Murray was the only one out of the group that didn't have a mask on. "Plus, we gave Murray a large hat." Sly said as he tapped the large hat that Murray wore.

* * *

_Murray is my best friend. And I love him with all my heart, no matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory. The last time I was with Murray in Carmelita's office, he ended up stealing like 50 pounds of paper. And, to add insult to injury, he smiled at the camera with the papers in his hand, on the way out the door._

* * *

"What are you guys doing here in the first place?" Carmelita asked discreetly.

This single sentence sent Sly back a step. The problem was, the gang really didn't have a definitive, alternative reason for being here. And since it would be rude to explain truthfully, that Sly was here because he feared that Carm was sleeping around on him, the gang looked at each other, searching for an alibi. They came to one conclusion. "Lunch." They exclaimed in unison.

Carmelita corked a brow. "It's 11:00." She replied.

"…..So…..what time do you have lunch?" Sly asked politely and confusingly.

"Lunch time." Carmelita replied enhancing every syllable with a serious matter of tone.

"…uh-huh." Sly replied with a cocked brow and a confusing stare. Afterwards, he looked at his buddies for advice. This was single handedly one of the most awkward moments in his life. the gang replied with shrugged shoulders. After a long period of silence, Sly got an idea. "Okay, we'll wait in your office."

Suddenly, Carm's eyes seemed to almost bulge right out of her skull. Her mouth gaped open in surprise. Her pupils dilated in complete and utter alarm. She had to control herself from almost screaming. She placed herself right in front of Sly, and held him back from moving forward another inch. With complete astonishment filling her voice, she whispered harshly, "No, no, no. you are not allowed in my office; not after what happened last time."

* * *

_Carmelita's office; inflammable, nonflammable._

_I mean, you'd have to be dictionary to know what burns._

_Notice how I wrote that last sentence._

_You'd think Murray would learn to be careful with a lighter around paper. But nooooooo! He has to go and almost burned down the entire fricking office!_

_On accident._

* * *

"Here's an Idea." Carmelita rudely interrupted as Sly tried to justify staying in her office. "Why don't you leave now." She suggested with a sarcastic smile. And by the way she was shoving Sly towards the elevator, it was evident that she wasn't suggesting, she was commanding.

Sly looked confused and bewilder as Carmelita kept pushing the gang towards the elevator doors. He was about to lose his chance to gain some evidence in his favor. The whole gang seemed perplexed about the whole situation. Suddenly, the elevator doors opened on their own.

Everyone's eyes widened in shock.

There was a female tiger inside the elevator. She had on simple business attire, with a jacket, white button up shirt, and black skirt. She looked young, but her presence made her seem old; possibly in her thirties. And she was now, the biggest and most fearful enemy the gang had to face. Her name was Teresa. And she was the new chief of Interpol.

She waited in the elevator, and smiled brightly at Carmelita. "Hello Carm. The witness to the "Mary Cortez," case is here. You coming up?"

After a brief moment of staring in shock, Carmelita replied, "Right now." And she made her way into the elevator.

Once inside, Teresa looked and noticed the three strange individuals standing in the doorway. They seemed odd, because they were oddly familiar. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she had a feeling that she knew who these gentlemen were. And she definitely knew that she had to have seen that hippo from somewhere.

"Do I know you?" she asked.

Sly, and his friends' eyes immediately widened. Then they turned around and showed their backs to Teresa. They tried lowering their voices so they wouldn't seem so recognizable. Slouching and 'burying their heads,' they replied. "Nu-huh."

"Yeah, we're here to fix the…um…cup of coffee….er….thing." Sly replied with a very deep voice.

Teresa was easily confused. "What?" she asked.

Before Sly could dig his grave any deeper, Carmelita made a justifiable excuse, saving her husband. "They're going to clean my office." She responded to her incredibly puzzled boss. She then commanded Sly and the rest of the gang. "Go to my office. Wait for me there. And don't touch anything."

"Now wait." Teresa stated. "I know I've seen them somewhere before."

"No you haven't," Carmelita laughed. "There just…..cleaning service." and with a smile, she pressed the button to close the doors.

Once then elevator doors were slammed shut, Sly gave a small and solemn prayer to his wife. Then he made a dash for Carmelita's office. He ran like a wild hyena, with his gang closely behind him. They all thanked Carmelita for saving their asses once more.

* * *

_Carmelita is sort of like my co-conspirator at keeping the world from knowing what a dork I really am._

* * *

Once they were inside Carm's office, the search began. Sure, they were informed not to touch anything, but Sly made it his priority to search Carmelita's office top to bottom. There was something very suspicious going on behind Sly's back, and Sly was not going to rest until he found out what it was. Now, they were in the front lines; the battlefield of confusion. This was where Sly believe most of the wary activities were taking place. Now it was time to investigate.

"I'll take the desk," Sly ordered Murray. "You take the file cabinets."

Murray did a simple salute, and then went about to his work.

Bentley, with a groan of annoyance, recognized the door was opened, and went over to shut it. While he was helping out the gang by closing the door, at the same time, Bentley was fully against this search and seizure of Carmelita's work space, and he made it apparent by the way he spoke, in what he said.

"Can you guys at least for one time in your life, since this is a police station of course, _not commit a crime?" _Bentley complained.

"This is not a crime." Sly replied as he pulled up a strange looking, slim, black box. _Wonder what this is? _Sly thought.

"It's an invasion of privacy!" Bentley retorted.

"Which is not a crime." Sly answered as he fooled around with the strange box, trying to figure out how to open it. Suddenly, he realized that the black box folded up. What was worst was the fact that this wasn't a box that Sly was tampering with, it was Carmelita's workstation laptop. And to the ringtail's utter horror, as soon as he opened the laptop, the computer stated three terrible words in a futuristic monotone. "You got mail."

With wide eyes, Sly proclaimed, "Okay. This is going to be an invasion of privacy _and _a crime."

* * *

_When Carmelita was growing up, she heard the legend of privacy that lived in other people's houses. You know what I'm talking about dairy, right. I mean after all, this diary is a legend of privacy. No one reads it but me._

_Carm tried keeping a diary once. It ended up being a performance piece for one of her dad's poker nights. She claims that she was so embarrassed when Ken read aloud her diary, that she didn't leave her room for three days._

_Luckily for me, my diary is under a strict security set up. (But for some odd reason, I always get the feeling that somehow, and in some way, someone from somewhere is reading my diary.)_

* * *

Sly, even though he knew it was against his bitter judgment to sink so low as to reading another's mail, began to run through every single strange looking email that Carmelita had received. Most had been deleted before hand. But some, seemed to catch Sly's eye. They didn't look so threatening, it's just, in some divine way, it was like destine for Sly to discover the one email that made his jaw drop.

"Oh my god." Sly gasped as he read the email.

Bentley went on the defensive. "DON'T JUDGE HER. THEY JUST SEND YOU THAT PORN WITHOUT EVEN ASKING!"

Sly was easily confused. "What? No!" Sly exclaimed to Bentley. "It's not porn."

"Well, what is it?" Murray asked as he walked over to the computer, wanting to read the email as well.

Sly then began reading over the text once more. The Title was an eye catcher to begin with. I mean, how many emails begin with the words, "Hello love," and they don't catch someone's interest. Sly, was now more investigative than ever. His hunting instincts seemed to kick from natural, to technological, as he pin pointed and analyzed every word from the email. Eventually, he read it aloud.

"Don't judge her, huh?" Sly mocking told Bentley. Then he began to read the Email. " 'Hello Love. Dinner tonight?' *question mark.* 'are usual place?' *question mark.*"

"Snacks in the break room. Period." Bentley retorted.

Sly took only a moment's time to stick out his tongue in a childish manner at the green turtle. While Bentley was his best friend, Sly was very annoyed whenever the technological genius would act out in a snotty manner. Sly then refocused on the email. The raccoon then begin to squint. He wasn't quite sure he read something right. But as he got closer to the screen and concentrated on the words more, he realized that his eyes had not deceived him earlier. It wasn't shocking, just very odd. So odd, in fact, the raccoon mumbled aloud, "What the fuck?"

"What?" Murray asked interested.

"Listen to this. 'Signed fondly…..Pudding.'" Sly replied. _Who the hell names themselves Pudding? _Sly asked himself.

Bentley thought about this word in a completely different manner. "See! Pudding. A light snack." Bentley replied.

Sly turned to Bentley and gave him the confused stare of surprised. Bentley was acting so egotistical and stubborn. It was plainly obvious by the way the word was written into the email. "Pudding," was not a light snack. "Pudding" was a person. And from Sly's fears from before, the Raccoon came to the conclusion that "Pudding" was sleeping with his wife. Carmelita was having sex with "Pudding."

"I hate this pudding guy." Murray hatefully whispered aloud.

* * *

_The problem with Bentley is that he's too trusting. Sure, Bentley knows a trap when he sees one, but when it comes to a personal life, Bentley never see's past the smoke in mirrors._

_Case in point: I see a carjacker. Bentley see's a grumpy valley with a gun. I see terrorist. Bentley see's a very faithful Muslim._

* * *

After at least 30 minutes of investigating, Sly began to realize that he might have made a terrible mistake. As he looked about the room, he noticed papers were lying about, in every direction, and they were either crumpled or out of order. The desk had been searched through so thoroughly, that the drawers were almost off their hinges. Even the couch, which the cushions were now removed from, was investigated. Noticing this, Sly called his comrades to a halt.

"Guys," Sly proclaimed. "Carmelita going to know we did something."

Murray looked about the room, and began agreeing with Sly that maybe this was not this best idea. And while Bentley was completely agreeing with the fact that pillaging through Carmelita's office was a bad move, he did not have the reserve to give forth his calm retaliation like Murray did. Instead, the turtle lost it.

"We!" Bentley exclaimed. "No. there's no 'we' in 'Bentley.' There is a 'y' as in _why the hell are you doing this!" _

Sly shrugged this off with a moan of exasperation. Looking towards Murray, they decided that it was best to begin cleaning up now. Sly began searching around the room for certain papers that needed to go in certain drawers. Murray was about to do the same as well. Suddenly, as Murray opened the very last file cabinet, something interesting caught the hippo's eye. He pulled it out into the sun light of the room, to get a clearer view of it. And when he did, he was defiantly surprised.

"Hey Sly?" Murray asked as he walked towards Cooper with the box in his hand. "Did you give Carm this present?"

"No." Sly replied with a growl as he snapped to attention. While Sly was a generous husband, and presented this by indulging his wife in multiple gifts, he certainly remembered that he hadn't yet to give his wife a present this month. Sly was also had a very good memory. So he memorized his presents very well. He most certainly, did not give Carmelita a thin white box.

As soon as Sly grabbed the unknown gift, it was immediately taken away from him by Bentley, who proceeded to laugh in a playful manner.

"Come on," Bentley replied. "Has no one ever heard of a secret Santa?" and at this point, Bentley decided to open the box, and take a peek inside. To Sly's astonishment, Bentley immediately closed the gift as soon as he opened it. It was like whatever was in the box, was about to attack Bentley. The turtle seemed so astonished. Sure, he continued to laugh, but now, the laughter was more in a nervous manner than anything else. Bentley, with his heart racing and sweat pouring down his body, replied with a squeaky voice, "it's just a scarf."

Sly, was defiantly not buying that excuse. So, taking initiative, Sly grabbed the box and opened it up. As he picked up the object, at first, Sly was convinced that perhaps this item was a scarf. After all, that item was a type of clothing, lace, long, and very thin. But for some reason, Sly felt there was more to this apparent, "scarf."

And that's when the clothing revealed itself, by dropping its front onto Sly's knuckles.

"Do scarves usually come equipped with _crotches?" _Sly sarcastically asked as he held the lace, hot pink, thong in his fingertips.

Looking back down into the box, Sly noticed a small card. Dropping the very desecrating panties, Sly looked at the card, and the text it displayed. As he read each word out loud, his heart started to break more and more. until the point that when he was finished with the card, he began to weep like a lost child.

"Hey sexy," the note stated. "Saw this and thought of you."

After reading the final words, Sly placed his head down on his wife's desk, and began to cry. He wept with such a fury that he almost felt like throwing up. And with a cry of horror and sadness, Sly declared what he thought was the truth. "Oh God!" he tearfully proclaimed. "My wife _is _having an affair."

* * *

_I always loved Carmelita. The story of how we came together actually runs very far back. The first time we met, Carmelita's second step mother took her to the "happy campers" orphanage. Her second mother wanted to adopt Carmelita a brother. (Which she eventually did do, but I'm not going to discuss Carmelita's brother just yet.) While her second step mother was talking with the officials, Carmelita (who was five at the time,) spent her time talking to the kids around the orphanage. Eventually, she met me, (and I was somewhere around six,) and we played a small little game of "cops and robbers" while her mom talked with the officials. _

_I find it kind of ironic that we played that game so long ago the first time we met. It was almost like foreshadowing._

_The second time we met; I had turned 18, escaped the orphanage with Murray and Bentley, and was running from the cops after the success of my first heist. I had stolen a jewel that was about 30 carrots, and was running out of the museum, dodging security lasers and spot lights. During my haste, I accidently ran into the main security guard_

_Guess who the main guard was._

_I swear, it was one of the most awkward moments of my life. _

_So, one evil robot owl, a resurrection of the owl via crazed cat lady, an evil doctor, and one case of faked amnesia later, Carmelita and I fell in love with each other, and decided to marry. _

_So when I went into her office, and discovered those panties, I cried more than I had ever cried in my life._

_But eventually, all things have to come to an end._

* * *

After a good five minutes of crying, Sly was finally able to calm down. All of us could attest to the fact that even though crying solves nothing, it does lift a lot of weight off one's shoulder. And eventually, you feel better after a good long cry. So Sly, felt somewhat clearer, (even though his sinuses were not) after his weeping session in Carm's office.

Then, it happened.

The door to the office opened. And Carmelita burst through. Her eyes immediately landed on the broken raccoon, who looked up at her with the biggest look of defeat she had ever seen. Bloodshot eyes, stiff patches of fur where tears once laid, and with the facial expression that only a mouse could give, Sly exasperated in sorrow, "Hello."

Her expression went from anxiety, to discovery. She was now taking in all the aspects of Sly's mood. More importantly, she was noticing all the details of the room. it looked like a disaster area. It was almost like a war zone. Papers were thrown all over the room. The cabinets were almost off their hinges. But the thing that caught her eye the most was the couch. As she turned around to close the door behind her, she commented on that effect.

"I can understand going through the desk and the file cabinets," she began. "But, why did you look under the couch?"

"Well, we found 65 cents under there." Murray commented as he held up his hand, showing her the coins.

Sly, with the most disappointed look, showed her the panties. "We also found this." Sly exclaimed.

"He thinks you're having an affair." Bentley pointed out.

"An affair, huh?" Carmelita commented with a strange tone that was a mixture of sarcasm and sadness. Suddenly, the sadness seemed to outweigh her sarcasm. And it was apparent when she spoke. "Sly," she choked. "Did it ever occur to you that there might be something going on in my life that is worst than having an affair.'

Sly was now really confused. He didn't believe that there couldn't be anything worse out there. Well….he did have a slight idea of something that could be much worst.

"I'm dying?" Sly asked confused.

"No," Carm replied, disappointed that Sly was only thinking for himself. "This is not about you."

"Then I'm dying!" Murray exclaimed with much fear and horror.

"No!" Carmelita shouted, as her frustration fogged her mind. "Nobody is dying."

"Well," Sly exclaimed as he threw the panties down on the desk, and got up from the chair. "What am I suppose to think?" at this point, Sly got in front of his wife, and took her hand in a gentle manner. He spoke reassuringly. "Listen Carm, We're a team. If there's a problem, I got you back."

"This is not a cage match, ringtail." Carmelita replied. "And the reason I didn't tell you was that I didn't want you involved. This is my problem, and my problem only, and I'll fix it myself."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Sly was on the verge of acting like a little kid. The fact that Carmelita was being so resilient was causing him to become frustrated and angry. So, planting his feet, he made his solemn promise, and declaration.

"Carm," he shouted. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."

"Well, I'm not telling you." Carmelita proclaimed, equally pissed off.

"Fine then," Cooper stated.

"Fine." Carmelita retorted.

Bentley was about to lose it. The pressure was becoming too much to handle. As Carmelita and Sly's fight escalated, Bentley was losing his mind. Finally, the turtle could no longer take it. Standing up, he proclaimed, "I think you should tell him."

Sly was shocked. "You knew?" he proclaimed.

Bentley, after his proclamation, realized the error of his way. However, the metaphorical snowball was already rolling down hill, so there was no use in turning back now. So, with much distain and awkwardness, Bentley said, "…Yes."

"Tell me." Sly announced.

"She's…..She's…." Bentley stuttered. The uncomfortable situation was becoming worse by the second. One hand, if he told Sly, the feeling would immediately pass. But Carmelita told him to never tell anyone. And the fear of her retaliation kept Bentley from spewing forth the truth. Sly however, had the look of reassurance and trust. So, with a deep breath, Bentley told him.

"She's being sexually harassed."

Sly turned around to face Carmelita. Sly's expression was that of shock and dismay. He was looking to Carmelita so she could confirm the truth. Carmelita was biting her lip. Her eyes were welling up with tears. She looked like she'd been punch in the stomach. So Sly had an assumption that what Bentley said was true; that someone was teasing her wife in a way that was hurting her emotionally. Still, after having an incorrect assumption earlier today, he had to ask his wife in order to fully know the truth.

"Is that true?" Sly ask with sadness.

Carmelita reluctantly bobbed her head, 'yes.' Then the tears began to flow.

Sly went over to his wife, and held on to her tightly in an ever so loving hug. He clung to her securely, and made it sure that he would never let go. He tried providing her comfort, as Carmelita buried her head into his chest, and began to cry.

Suddenly, Sly said something that made Carmelita extremely confused.

"Oh, thank God." Sly said.

Carmelita was almost shocked. "Thank God?" she inquired.

Sly brought her up so she could see his face. It was stretched into a smile. "Yeah," Sly proclaimed. Suddenly he shook his head. "I mean. It's simple now. All we have to do now is kick the guy's ass."

Carmelita hung her head back and looked towards the heavens in defeat and disappointment, as she placed a finger to her lips, trying to hold back her frustrations.

"Finally. We're playing to our strengths." Murray proclaimed from the back with a smile.

"See?" Sly told his wife. "The guy's a dead man.""

"Uh….roughly how _big _a dead man?" Murray asked.

"Sorry," Bentley stated from the back to Carmelita. "I really tried to stop this."

"It's not your fault Bentley." Carmelita exasperated. "I'm the one with the problem I can't seem to handle."

Sly looked like he was about to crack. "Well, we'll handle it for you." Sly exclaimed irritated.

"Sly," Carmelita warned as she placed a hand on his cheek affectionately. "Sly, please, just stay out of it." Once she said this, she moved back to her desk and began to clean up the mess the gang had created. "It's my problem."

"But I'm in it." Sly whined.

"No," she replied with a vicious tone, coming from a smile. "Actually, you're not. It's…" she tried searching for the right word. "….complicated. You'd just…..you wouldn't understand."

"But you do." Sly stated.

"Yeah, cause of my father." Carmelita mumbled.

* * *

_Carmelita's dad invented sexual harassment. Every time there's a sexual harassment lawsuit, Ken gets a royalty check. And every time he sexually harassed a woman, he never took no for an answer._

_Of course, he has taken, "get off me," or "I'm calling the cops" for an answer._

* * *

"I know how much you guys want to help," Carmelita replied. "I really do, but you can't. I'm the one you dug the hole; I'm the one who has to pull myself out.

Sly was confused, hurt, and bewildered. "You think you're to blame for this?" Sly asked with a cocked brow.

"Yes?...no…maybe…partially…..It's-it's complicated."Carmelita stuttered trying to find the right answer.

Sly gave Carmelita's a reassuring look, as he took his wife's hand and kissed it. He softly spoke to her, in a sweet tone that made her melt; that is….until she heard the whole sentence. "Honey," Sly considerately told her. "You're just hot. It's not your fault you're a smoking hot sexy lady. It's not."

"You're hearts in the right place," Carmelita considerately told her husband. "It's just not connected to your brain. You'd just don't get it."

"But Bentley can?" Sly replied hurtfully.

"Bentley listens." Carmelita exclaimed as she patted the turtle on the back. The turtle began to blush as Carmelita continued describing Bentley's abilities. "Bentley is not like other guys. I can share things with him. He listens."

With a laugh of embarrassment, and a face redden with embarrassment as well; Bentley began to tell a story. "You know, that's something they taught us in the orphanage. The councilor would use to say, 'children, you have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak.'"

"See?" Carmelita exclaimed as she grabbed a red folder, and walked out behind her desk. "Honey," she told Sly. "I have to go upstairs now."

"Good," Sly proclaimed. "You handle the client, we'll handle the asshole. So who's the guy?"

"Yeah, who's this pudding fella?" Murray shouted like a tough man.

Carmelita turned around. Her eyes blaring with the fire of anger and frustration. She slowly walked towards Sly like a predator. Her stance and movement was intimidating. And what made it even scarier, was the fact that she was smiling, because she knew exactly how bad she was threatening the raccoon. "Here's how you can handle it." Carmelita exclaimed as she poked his chest with the edge of the red folder. "You can either A.) Sneak out past security the same way you came in; or B.) We'll have a _long, hard, fight_ that _last for days."_

Sly closed his legs together in remembrance.

* * *

_Anyone who has read the first entry of my diary knows exactly why I never fight with Carmelita anymore. May the 1__st__ will be a date that will live in infamy._

* * *

"I just want everyone here to respect you." Sly made known.

"Really?" Carmelita sarcastically asked. "Okay. How about we start with you?"

A powerful and dreadful silence entered the room. Sly was hurt horribly by Carmelita's comment. And all it took was Murray to make it worse.

"Good one." Murray commented to Carm.

Sly slowly and irately turned his head towards Murray. He glared at the pink hippo in an intense and warning manner. The heated glare caused Murray to involuntarily take a step back. Once Murray did this, Sly looked back at his wife in a strange way. It was a cross between anxiety and questioning.

"Are you sure?" Sly asked concern.

"Yep." Carmelita replied.

After a couple more seconds of silence, the raccoon bobbed his head in acceptance. "Okay." He replied confidently.

Carmelita was confused. Never had she seen the ringtail make up his mind so quickly. "Really?" she asked with a quirked brow.

"Yes." Sly stated with a smile. "I trust you completely. I know you can handle it."

Carmelita slowly grew a warm smile. She went up to her husband and kissed him on the cheek. They hugged each other closely and soothingly.

Then the door opened behind Carm. And it was followed by the sound of Teresa asking, "Hey Carm, are you sure-"'

Sly and Carmelita immediately took action. Carm loosened the hug without delay, so it seemed like she was only patting his shoulder. Sly hung his head low so that way Teresa wouldn't be able to identify him. Murray looked away so Teresa couldn't do the same with him as well. Carmelita slowly backed away, as she started talking so it looked like she was in the middle of a conversation before Teresa walked in.

"Like I said, I'm very proud of you all." She proclaimed. "Especially you," she told Sly. "Okay now. I'm leaving for a bit. Continue on with you work…..um…..bye-bye."

And with a flash, Carm was out the door with Teresa. Sly was finally able to breath, and wiped a sweat from his forehead. It was another close call. They waited as they watched Teresa and Carm through the windows, as the entered the elevators again.

* * *

_Since I have been married to Carmelita, I've learned. You don't have to bungee off every bridge. You don't have to work on every car that's top of the line. You don't have to be the first man to jump so and so many busses. And you don't have to be one of those mall boyfriends._

_You know the ones. "Hey, you looking at my girlfriend?" *acts cocky and intimidating*_

_As much fun as acting like a mall boyfriend is, I've learned not to do that._

_But it's a challenge._

* * *

After the coast was clear, the gang made their way through the building, and started walking towards the elevators again. Murray was silent, for he had nothing to say. Sly was silent, because he was thinking. And, he was somewhat disappointed. Sure, he trusts that Carmelita was going to fix her problem, but he wanted to fix her problem for her. After all, after hearing about the 'pudding' a-hole, he wanted to kick that guy's ass so much. But Carmelita wouldn't allow it. So with silence and disappointment, Sly continued walking towards the elevator doors.

Bentley however, could not shut the hell up.

"Sly," he made clear. "I just want you to know how proud of you I am."

Sly sighed as the elevator doors opened. "Yes. Of course Bentley." The turtle had said this at least a thousand times earlier.

"I mean, you are becoming a sensitive trusting man." Bentley stated.

"Congratulations," Murray sarcastically mumbled to Sly. "You're becoming Bentley."

"I heard that." Bentley warned as they stepped into the elevators. "And No Murray, he's not becoming me. Sly now knows that he doesn't have to be the white knight who rushes in at the first sign of danger."

Before the doors could even close, Sly pressed the button causing the elevator to stay where it was at. He immediately walked out the door, and dragged Murray along with him.

* * *

_And I thought, "Danger? I married fricking Carmelita Montoya Fox for Christ sakes. I live with danger. I'm an ex-criminal. I jumped gaps between building that couldn't have been made with a motorcycle, and made it to the other side. I walked on type ropes faster than the speed of sight. I fought giant mechanical owls. I survived explosions, plane crashes, and bullet wounds. So what make Bentley think that I'm just going to stop now. I came in today looking to kick someone's ass, and I'm not leaving till I do."_

* * *

Bursting back through the elevator doors, with Murray who was now informed about Sly's plan, the raccoon and the hippo gathered everyone's attention. It was a simple Idea, Sly was going to declare to the whole office about the problem Carmelita was having, ask this, 'pudding' guy to leave Carmelita alone, and then be on his way. The first step; Sly had to gather everyone's attention.

"All right everybody! Listen up!" Sly declared to the whole office.

Immediately, everyone's eyes were focused upon Cooper. The whole atmosphere changed from work to silence in an instant. They all looked upon him, with a mixture of fear, curiosity, and bafflement. Sly, was never one for public speaking. In fact, Sly always tried taking chances to never be seen a lot in public. Now, with all the eyes upon him, Sly felt completely nervous and awkward. In fact, he was so nervous, he completely forgot what he was about to say.

"Um…I…." Sly stuttered.

Unfortunately, Murray had the perfect sentence to fill in the silence.

"_This is a hostage situation!" _Murray declared.

"Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god," Bentley hyperventilated.

Sly backhanded Murray on the back of his head, muttered the word "idiot," and then realized that he had some business to take care of. He had no clue that he could lead his team with such authority. Part of his rush came from the adrenaline from being in his first hostage heist ever. Another part of his rush came from the fact that he felt like he was being a criminal, and he hadn't preformed criminal activities in years. Whatever the case, Sly was beginning to like the adrenaline, and felt so good, that he began calling orders.

"Murray," declared to the hippo. "Watch the elevator." Then he turned his head to Bentley. "Bentley, watch the hallway." Sly ordered. Both of his comrades followed his orders exactly. Once they were in their positions, Sly looked back to the office room to notice his audience still standing at attention.

"Now listen people." Sly began. "I don't know exactly where I'm going with this but-"

Suddenly, Sly was interrupted by a small noise. It was like the tapping of a window, followed by a metallic crunch. Sly turned his head, and saw Chad, (funny cat, Chad) stapling certain documents together. This made Sly irritated, for, since Chad was stapling, it was proof that someone in the offices wasn't taking him seriously.

He started off calmly. "Please, put the stapler down sir."

Chad looked up confused. "What?"

Then, the adrenaline rush kicked in, and Sly lost it. "DOWN!" he screamed.

Everyone in the office ducked down and placed their hands behind their heads, including Chad.

And Murray got into the situation, and added insult to injury by stating, "And do what he says people! He's crazy! El loco, man!"

Sly realized that the situation was possible getting too intense for Sly to handle. So, trying to commence what he meant to start earlier, Sly began to tell the office why he was here, and why he was calling everyone to attention.

"All right people," he began calmly. " This is going to sound crazy…..but I'm looking for a man, named pudding."

Awkward Silence filled the air.

"I'm assuming it's a nickname," Sly continued. "But whoever he is, he's harassing my girlfriend, and I want him to stop."

"Who'ssssss your girlfriend?" a python asked crouching under his desk.

"My girlfriend happens to be my wife." Sly stated. "And her name is Carmelita Montoya Fox." Sly realized that he was getting very emotionally wrapped up in his own speech. His own heart felt like it was breaking, as he continued with his story. "When I was growing up in the orphanage, I thought I'd never find a good woman. Instead, I got the perfect woman. She is cool, and sweet, sassy, beautiful, but every time someone picks on her, part of that beauty dies. So….Pudding….whoever you are. Just stop. Come clean and be a man."

Suddenly, a chill went up Sly's neck as he felt something hot, wet, soft, and caring kiss his neck. He automatically recognized it as Carmelita's lips. Her lips had a way of resonating in Sly's mind, for no one's lips could be so caring, and seductive, yet automatically recognizable. Sly turned around and notice Carmelita standing in front of him. With a warm smile. It was the perfect moment, and Carmelita knew just what to say, to screw it up for her enjoyment. She loved watching Sly's emotions.

"Thanks for not _getting_ _into it, _babe." She sarcastically remarked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." Sly sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. He placed his hands on her hips, and her arms wrapped around his neck, as they kissed once more. "When did you come in?" Sly asked after they broke the kiss.

"She came in right around the time you talked about yourself at the orphanage." Chad proclaimed as he got up from the ground. "And….I have an announcement to make." Chad suddenly got all nervous. Then He looked Carmelita right in the eyes, and said the words that sparked the fire. "Carm…..I'm the one who's been sexually harassing you."

Carmelita was shocked. "Chad?"

Sly however, had a great suspicion about Chad. He called Murray over as they punched the insides of their hands. "Well Chad," Sly stated darkly as him and Murray cornered the kitty. "It looks like we're going to have a little chat-"

Sly was suddenly interrupted by the snake as he stood up and announced, "I'm Guilty too!"

Sly turned to face the snake, baffled. "What?" Sly exclaimed.

"I throw loose change on the floor and watch you pick it up!" the snake exclaimed guilty. "I spent like 5 dollars on you this week."

Carmelita looked towards her husband, with the most stunned eyes, and squealed, "eww."

Another coworker stood up, this time a lion, and while it was strange for a lion to act so feeble, it was happening at the moment. "I work down in the mail room," the lion proclaimed. "I always time myself so I can meet you as you're walking out the office."

"That's kind of creepy," Carmelita yelled, surprised by how it was now 3 people who were harassing her, than the usual one.

"we're going to need more guys to kick everyone's ass,"

Suddenly, the elevator doors opened again. This time, some one that rose fear in the heart of Sly stepped through the elevator doors. Teresa, Carmelita's boss, walked through the elevator doors, with confusion and shock being the only emotions present on her face.

"What is going on?" Teresa exclaimed out loud. "Why isn't anyone working?"

Knowing, that Teresa was the chief of Interpol, and with the fact that Sly was filled with so much emotion, Sly decided to make a sarcastic remark. "Well, you must be the head of the stalker training camp."

At first, Teresa was extremely confused and offended by the comment. But suddenly, as she studied the raccoon more, her pupils dilated in surprise and recognition. With a gasp, she exclaimed, "Wait! I know you."

With a sigh, Sly finally realized it was time to take off the mask. Looking at Bentley, he confirmed him to do the same as well. They reached right by their jaws, and grabbed under the fake latex skin. Like a sene out of a horror movie, Sly ripped his faux face off, reveling his true, furry, pointy ear form, as the ringtail we all know and love, Sly Cooper.

"Yeah, I'm Sly. We had two incidents involving a desk fire and some stolen paper." Sly stated. "Listen, the reason we're here is because someone is sexually harassing Carm."

Teresa turned to Carmelita, staring in awe. "Oh my God, is that true?" she asked.

"You're damn right it is," Sly exclaimed. "And you're not going to hide this behind some corporate door."

"Yeah, Like the engine that runs on water," Murray retorted.

"Who are you to talk right now?" Teresa asked with anger and confusion in her voice.

"Well, _I'm_ Carmelita's _husband!"_ Sly exclaimed self righteously.

"Carmelita's not married." Teresa proclaimed as if it were a matter of fact. "Carmelita's gay."

"What?" Sly shouted, confused. "She's not gay. Wait? Are you Carm?" Sly asked sincerely.

Looking like a lost puppy dog, with much sadness, shyness, and a meek glimmer in her eyes, she replied softly. "No. I'm not gay Teresa."

"Wait. You're _not _gay?" Teresa asked with a quirked brow.

"No."

"Wait a minute," Teresa exclaimed. She backed up. Her eyes were widened. Her mouth was open in a gasp. She looked like she was going to back out. Instead, the reality of the revelation was so intense, that she almost couldn't believe it. But she knew that it was the truth. "If you're not gay the….._OH MY GOD! I'M THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN SEXUALLY HARRASING YOU!"_

"Wait!" Sly exclaimed flabbergasted as he pointed at Teresa. "_You're _pudding?"

With a smug smile as wide as The Great Wall of China, Bentley exclaimed with haughty laugh. "Hey Sly, you know the deal. Kick _her _ass."

Sly was now more confused, shocked, and astounded than ever. It was a twist that he had never seen coming. He was so shocked that he almost felt like he brain was splitting into two. He was going insane. Sly had to find a seat and sit down for the added pressure of just standing up was too much to handle. As he sat and contemplated what the hell was happening, Carmelita began to apologize to her boss. But before that happened, Teresa had one question on her mind.

"If you ain't gay, how come we went on all those dates?" Teresa asked.

"I didn't know they were dates, until Tuesday…when I got the panties." Carmelita embarrassingly said.

"Panties?" Chad asked interested.

"DON'T YOU HAVE SOME STAPPLING TO DO?" Sly shouted in anger as he looked towards the ground, running his hands through his fur, as he tired contemplating this strange scene.

Carmelita then began to speak with her boss some more.

"I'm so sorry," Carmelita sincerely apologized. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings. We had dinner and I thought you wanted to be just girlfriends not…._girl-_friends."

"I want to work here." Murray exclaimed with a dirty smile.

"Listen," Carm began. "If you were a boy, I'd knew how to handle you."

"Yeah, Me too." Sly mumbled in a monotone.

"If I were a boy, I'd go after another boy. Cause, I'm gay!" Teresa exclaimed.

"You got admit, that's a good point." Sly incoherently said.

"I'm so sorry." Carmelita stated. "Should I quit my job?"

"No, no, no." Teresa said. "Let's be reasonable here. You're a great officer, and a good friend, and you simply got in a situation that you didn't know how to handle. You can stay. Keep the job. Keep the panties if you're comfortable with that. Keep the teddy. It doesn't matter."

"Teddy?" Sly asked with a quirked brow.

"It's in the mail." Teresa replied. "Oh, and it also came with a some lingerie." And with a crafty smile, she deviously said, "Think of me when she's wearing it."

* * *

_When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, that when you're born, it's the only time you're perfect._

_You're also born with blood and placenta all over you, but no one seems to get nostalgic about that._

_Speaking of birth, I got some exciting news. About two weeks ago, Carmelita asked me to come into the kitchen, and she gave me some of the greatest news ever._

_She's pregnant._

_There's a Sly junior on the way. _

* * *

**Here you go. You've just read the newest chapter. I'd like to thank all of you who've read this. I'm about to wrap it up. I got three more chapters plan, and then I'm putting it away. Hopefully, everything is going to turn out the way it's planned. And no matter what, I hope all of my faithful readers, and even the ones that just read one chapter once in a while, had a blast, and thought this story was funny, or entertaining.**

**So yeah, three more chapters, and then I'm done.**

**Next time: Ken Fox has a heart attack. *cue dramatic music.***


	11. Ken has a heart attack

**Hello my fellow readers. I am extremely sorry for the ridiculously long hiatus. School has been kicking my ass pretty hard. I had public speaking contest to do. I also had music from our school band to practice and memorize. Also, my video editing software for my YouTube videos were giving me a swift knee to the testicles. I was trying really hard to get this one video edited but it wouldn't seem to comply. But it's cool now and the new video is up. It's really kick ass. Please check it out on my YouTube page whenever possible. The link is on my author's page. Just click my name and look for the link that says "themetalman3."**

**This chapter marks part 1 of the two-part finally. This chapter combine with the next chapter will be considered the last ones. Chapter 13 is more of an epilogue; I really hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**And without further ado, here's you chapter.**

_In a crisis moment, my friends gather together and put aside their petty differences and hatreds._

_Because a crisis, gives us the perfect opportunity to come up with MORE PETTY DIFFERENCES AND HATREDS._

_My Father-in-law, Ken, comes from that generation way back in the fifties. You know, their basic premise was you'd live till you're 50, your heart exploded, and that was that. You know how some people when they cook bacon; they put the grease into a can. Ken is the can._

_I remember picking him up at a hospital after one of his monthly physicals. When he got in the car, I reminded him that he already had 4 heart attacks and told him to take it slow._

_Want to know what his reply was? He told me that he was, and just as he said that, he pulled out a freaking pack and cigarettes and a beer, and said, "My doctor put me on a light diet; Menthol Light, and Miller light." _

_After Ken's third heart attack, he actually got so good at them that he decide to drive himself to the hospital during his forth one. Why? Because he said, and I quote, "They won't let me smoke in the ambulance. Besides, I can't really make a burger run if I'm not in the drive through."_

_As I'm writing this down, I can't help but wonder that if this is the defining trait for Carmelita's family. I also can't help but wonder if this is what will become of my child. My wife is now three months pregnant by the way. Because all families have something special they're known for. _

_Athletic Abilities,_

_Brains,_

_Musical talent,_

_Carmelita's family has heart attacks._

_Will this become of our child? I don't know. I do know that it's already too late for Ken. _

_But it's cool, Ken belongs to an HMO. He really liked their slogan._

"_HMO's; hey, we're better than a prison doctor."_

* * *

A Long time ago, the France Interpol had a major problem. Recently escaped convicts would immediately go back to crime and cause only nothing but trouble and frustration for the police. How many times would a criminal have to be thrown in jail, and get there asses beaten, till they stopped being involved in the life of crime? The answer was none; as long as they got a job. That's why France decided to pass a bill about 5 years ago called "the rebirth and re-growth" bill. It basically said that when a convict was released, a convict was provided a temporary job by the government for a period of two weeks. The basic premise was basically to give the convict a distraction while on probation, so they wouldn't end up in unlawful habits. And most of the time, it worked. Many criminals would find that the career they were given, was very interesting, and would choose to pursue it, or a career like it. And because of this, many cops at France Interpol liked the bill.

But as Carmelita fumed in the hospital, she only wished for that certain bill to burn in hell. She wished for it to burn and be pissed on by a bountiful group of demons.

Because sometimes, on rare occasions, instead of jobs, recently released convicts were given classes for government jobs. For example, some convicts were given classes on how to become a teacher. Others were sometimes even given classes on how to become a writer.

And sometimes, as Carmelita found out to her utter horror today, the recently released convicts were given classes on how to become a nurse.

And that's how Carmelita came face to face with the one who she despised the most. Everyone thought she was dead, but somehow, in some miraculous way, she survived. She was nothing but pure evil and annoyance covered by the thick purple fur of a tiger. She was lewd. She was crude. She was a deceptive, maniacal bitch. She was none other than Constable Neyla. And she was now working as a nurse in the hospital where Ken was at, due to his recent heart attack.

"Selfish whore," Carmelita muttered under her breath. She watched as the purple devil ignored her, and sighed away certain documents which Carmelita wished were Neyla's own death warrants. Feeling vicious, and filled with rage, Carmelita finally let her patience slip, and she told the tiger all of her frustrations.

"My father has been there for an hour. I'm his daughter. You have to tell me something." Getting close to the counter, (but not to close, in fear that her newly formed round belly would hit the wood and somehow damage the baby in utero) Carmelita got her face only three inches away from Neyla's and bellowed out a reply that surly came from the depths of hell. "I told you that I have the right to know!"

Finally giving in to the urge to reply with a sarcastic and vicious monotone, Neyla looked up from her papers, and replied, "And I told you, that Ken is breathing out of a _tube _right now." After letting her comments settle into Carmelita's conscience for a moment, Neyla gave forth a business posture and feel to her remarks. "Listen, I understand that you're his daughter, and when he is allowed company, I'll let you know. But right now, the doctors specifically told me that Ken can't have company right now, so you can't go in there. And the only thing that I can tell you is the same thing I've told you this past hour; Ken had a heart attack and was rushed here." And getting a little frustrated, Neyla added, "So sit your ass down."

Carmelita was now on the edge. Pregnancy hormones were already hell to begin with, but Neyla was only adding fuel to the fire. Carmelita, however, was wise enough to let her powerful perception of conscious, override her instinctive, motherly, hormones, and with an aggravated "Huff," she began to walk over to the chairs and was about to sit down.

Then the double doors opened.

Carmelita twisted her head to the left to notice Sly frantically running in with Murray behind him. And although she knew she was in public, she couldn't help but run up to him, grip him tightly, and scream, "SLY. THANK GOD YOU MADE IT!"

Sly's senses were now hyperaware. It seemed like everything was slow, yet everything was fast at the same time. Being a thief, he knew from years of training how to handle a stressful situation. He picked out every tiny of tiniest detail about his surroundings. He made sure that everything was clear with the assumptions that he had. So far, he wasn't surprised. After all, he was brought her because of a tearful and impossible to understand voice message from Carmelita once he got home from work.

Placing her off him, Sly held her wrist tightly. Calmly and emphasizing each word, Sly stated with the widest of eyes, "Carm, baby, what the hell is going on?"

Carmelita was frantic. Even if she wasn't pregnant, the fact that her father was now in a hospital bed made her emotions grow to an extreme and uncontrollable level. The pregnancy was aiding the madness, and all that came out of her was insoluble string of words, with a hysterical sob in the background of it all. All that Sly could make out was "HOSPITAL,"

"Yes, babe, hospital," Sly stated as he looked her in the eyes. "That's what you message said. But I need to know more."

"KEN…..HOSPITAL!" Carmelita frantically replied with tears.

Sly sighed out of frustration. "Okay, fine. At least were going somewhere. Ken. What happened, babe," Sly stated enunciating his voice smoothly, hoping to calm her down. "I can't help you if you don't tell me. Please calm down. Take a deep breath."

Carmelita clamped her eyelids shut forcefully. Submitting to Sly's commanded, she drew in enough air to suffocate everybody in the hospital due to lack of oxygen. She held in to the breath for a long time, hoping that eventually, her brain's craving of oxygen would cause all of her anxiety to be released along with her breath. And when she breathed out, that's exactly what happened. Slowly opening her eyes, she looked directly at Sly's and told him the situation.

"Ken, had a heart attack, ran a red light, wrecked his car, and was brought to the hospital." Carmelita stated.

"Good, easy," Sly stated once Carmelita finally manage to speak a coherent sentence. Then, "Oh crap." Sly stated in utter horror as he realized what those words meant.

With those two words alone, all of Carm's fretfulness came back in a slap of her own thigh. Tears went down her cheeks like waterfalls in Brazil. She ran over to the couch in the waiting room, and fell on it, sobbing as her tears drenched the cushions. Sly got right beside her, and did the only thing a loving husband could do; stroke her back and tried giving her comfort. Although, all of his attempts seemed doomed to fail.

"I mean, this could be it!" Carmelita screamed; her voice muffled by the couches cushions. "This is dad's 5th heart attack. He's already about to turn 60 within a month, and he's too old to be smoking, drinking and partying at his age. But I can't do anything about it. I'm his daughter, damnit. I should have been able to make him stop. Now he's going to die before our child is born. Our child will be without grandparents. What are we going to do? I know I need to calm down, but there's nothing to make me calm? How am I supposed to remain calm at a time like this?"

With a strange coolness, yet soothing power in his voice, Sly said, "can I make a suggestion?"

Looking up, and not taking the time to focus on the devious smile on his face, Carmelita asked desperately, "What?"

And that's when Carmelita's mouth was attacked with a forceful, loving kiss. It was a powerful kiss that made Carmelita shoot back and out of reality in a split second. After a momentary gasp of sudden shock, she moaned out of tremendous comfort. She closed her eyes as she only focused on Sly's mouth, and tongue, and her muscles loosen as Carm became like putty in Sly's hands.

Pulling her up to where she was sitting, Sly tried to continue the kiss from this position, and he held on to her tight. And while neither wanted to like go, it was Carmelita who broke the kiss, looked Sly in the eyes, an with a grin and a slight chuckle, uttered, "You really know how to comfort a woman."

With a cocked eyebrow, Sly defended himself by saying, "What did you expect? I'm a cooper."

Suddenly, at that moment, the door to Ken's room opened. Carm immediately turned her head, hoping to good that a doctor would walk out, and she would finally have someone to talk to, other than that manipulative bitch Neyla. Her expression went from surprise, to utter and hysterical confusion, as she began to recognize the figure; as it was Bentley who walked out of the room.

Turning her head towards Neyla, forgetting all about her resentment against the purple tiger, Carmelita asked with astonish "How the hell did Bentley get in there?"

With an evil grin, Neyla replied, "Oh, that's easy. I let him."

Her facial expressions of anger were ballistic and homicidal. She would have killed Neyla with her bare hands, had it not been for the pesky bill. With utmost rage in her voice, she screamed, "What! You let him in! Why?"

"His attitude was a hell of a lot better than yours," Neyla stated with a vicious smile.

Sly at this point, left the couch as he tried to approach Bentley. Bentley's expression was, rather alarming. Whenever a crisis was in effect, Bentley was usually frantic and had outrageous swings of emotions. Never was he cold and in deep thought like he was right now; staring at the ground with the eyes of serial anger. With concern in his voice, Sly asked his friend, "Hey Bentley, What's up?"

And that's when Bentley cracked. With a face of furious anger, Bentley unleashed a powerful and completely ballistic anger that would even make the most powerful of villains cower away with their tail between their legs. With eyes wider than saucers, Bentley screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP COOPER! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!"

Bentley then began to march away, and tried to ignore Sly by getting close to Murray. But the turtles path was suddenly blocked by a shocked Sly, exclaiming, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is going on?"

With anger and frustration in his voice, Bentley asked desperately, "DOES THE WORD PATRICED MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU COOPER!"

"Patricide; to kill your own father. I read about in a magazine once. Why do you ask?" Sly stated in a commerce fashion.

"WHY?" Bentley chaotically shouted. "WHY! BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO KILL KEN!"

Sly's was completely unprepared for that comment. With wide eyes and a gaped open mouth of shock, Sly replied, screaming, "WHAT?"

Carmelita joined in, in the confusion, and shouted also, "WHATT?"

Murray, who was a little bit slow as usual, asked Sly in anger, "Did you kill Ken!"

"NO!" Sly shouted outraged by such an accusation. He was glaring in anger at the poor turtle.

"Well he tried." Bentley stated with resentment at Sly's actions. He looked over to Murray once again, and then he noticed Carmelita. She was about as confused as a lost puppy dog. Noticing this, Bentley directed her over to him with the curl of his fingers. Once Carmelita was close enough, Bentley began to tell the whole story of how Sly was responsible for Ken's current state.

"You see," Bentley stated a bit softly, as he finally calmed down enough to have a normal conversation, (or somewhat normal, due to the circumstances that brought them to this conversation in the first place.) "Ken had this date. And Ken wanted to show her the new boat he got. He spent three anger hours, trying to get the boat started." Then Bentley turned his attention towards Sly. Still speaking with Carmelita, while looking at sly, the turtle yelled. "BECAUSE SOME HEART ATTACK CAUSING MORON, TOOK THE DISTRIBUTER CAP!"

Sly was at a shock; mostly because It was true.

Yes, Sly did take the distributer cap, but it was only in good fun. It was just a joke that Sly was going to pull. Him and Murray heard about the date, and decided it would be funny to sabotage it. Now that moment had come around to frantically bite Sly in the ass. His wife and Sly's two best friends were now glaring at him. The tension was too much. Sly was at a loss for words.

"Well," Carmelita replied with anger ever so present.

"You're all acting like Ken hasn't tried to kill me!" Sly replied. "Remember when you first told him about us Carm. HE GRABBED A SHOTGUN CARM! A SHOTGUN!"

* * *

**Chapter eleven: Ken's heart attack.**

His friends looked back at him with their arms crossed, and their eyes slanted in the most aggressive way possible. Sly couldn't believe how they were reacting. Even his own wife looked at Sly with much despise. What Sly couldn't believe was how quickly his friends were turning on him. Had his friends stop to realize what they were saying; they would have realized that the excuse Ken gave sounded like such utter bullshit. Sly was shocked, surprised, and all around disgusted as he looked back and forth between the door to Ken's room, and his friends. Finally, after 2 very long awkward and agonizing minutes, he began to speak.

"I almost killed Ken, because I took his distributer cap?" Sly stated unbelieving in his words.

"Well, you must feel sorry," Murray said with much seriousness. Afterwards, he stuck his tongue out in disgust; as a child on a playground would do.

Placing his own palm to his forehead, Sly fought off the gruesome headache that occurred due to Murray's stupidity. Then Sly looked up, and reminded Murray, "Murray, you _helped _me took it."

Murray's expression was nothing more but a small revelation. He looked about, smiled childishly, and exclaimed, "Oh, wait a minute. I was wasn't I?"

Sly slapped his head in disappointment. The lack of intelligence that Murray provided was simply astounding. After a few seconds of self thought, Sly looked back up with his most assuring look, as he stared into the eyes of Bentley, Carmelita, and Murray.

"We did not cause Ken's heart attack." Sly calmly and assertively proclaimed.

Carmelita at this point, felt that it was time to add her two cents to the conversation. Calmly placing a hand on Sly's chest, she began to speak softly, caringly, and most of all, inquiringly. "Honey, honey," she began. "I know that you probably did nothing to cause dad's heart attack."

"Damn strait." Sly responded with pride in his chest, as he turned and looked towards Ken's hospital room door in disbelieve.

"Yeah, but apparently Ken thinks you did." Carmelita said in the most polite manner possible; trying not to disturb Sly anymore. The statement still made him turn around and look at her in shock. "So is it possible that you…..maybe….you know…acted the way that you usually act and that by doing so you cause my dad's heart to, like…maybe..….pause?"

That last statement was enough to break the camel's back. Sly's head filled with violent thoughts. _Screw Ken! _Sly's consciousness shouted. _Just who the hell is he to blame me for his heart attack. _It was time for some justification. Sly needed to straighten things out. So, as his chest filled with pride and in the most heroic and bad-ass way possibly, Sly turned around and began to march towards Ken's door.

Unfortunately, he didn't make it even make it three steps before his wife's hand started to tug his arm. "Sly, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Carmelita replied with venom; anger increased due to the pregnancy.

Feeling no emotions of fear, Sly replied, "I'm going in there to talk to Ken and straighten things out." Then, as Sly looked at his wife, he noticed Murray behind her, and thought, _two is always better than one. _"Murray, you're coming with me." Sly proclaimed as he pointed at the pink hippo.

"Hell no!" Murray exclaimed with child like fear. "I'm not going in there."

"You _helped _me, _take _the distributive cap." Sly reminded.

"Damn you and your logic!" Murray shouted. And with that, he began to walk with Cooper towards the door.

When they were only a few steps away, Carmelita got in front of them immediately. Like a ninja, she sprang out from nowhere, and blocked the door with her body; arms and feet spread so her entire wingspan covered the door. With eyes of fear and in a pleading voice, Carmelita begged Sly, "Please baby. Don't go in there. My dad is now weak and fragile, and the last person he needs to see is the one who put him in that delicate state in the first place."

Placing their index fingers to their lips, both the raccoon and the hippo went into deep thought. While silently thinking, Carm awaited anxiously for their decision. Suddenly, Sly's eyes widen in revolution, and he proclaimed, "Well wait a minute. If Ken is in a delicate state, then that's the _perfect _time to talk to him. That way he wouldn't be able to kick our asses."

Murray shook his head violently up and down; immediately agreeing.

All Carmelita could do at this point, was sigh in disappointment, open the door a tad, and mutter, "Well don't say I didn't warn ya."

* * *

_Me and Carmelita have been together for three years and four months now. We've been together long enough to know that we're not going to change our habits, and yet strangely, we like each other because of them. Carmelita knows who I am, and likes me for it. She finds a unique sense of charm and cuteness in my stupidity._

_You know, the way people like Canada._

* * *

When Murray and Sly stepped into the room, they were surprised at the sight bestowed upon them. They thought that Ken was going to look like hell. They thought he'd be fragile and almost languid. Instead, they caught the sight of a very strong and almost powerful Ken, sitting in the hospital bed. While yes, he was breathing out of a tube that was shoved through his nasal cavity and, also, there was a nurse attending his I.V, he still seemed to have a sense of strength and brawniness about him.

And when Sly and Murray walked in, Ken gave them a glare of anger that made the boy's involuntarily crossed their legs in fear of their man hood's being ripped off by the beast breathing out of a tube.

Still, however, Sly had personal matters to attend to. So, shrugging off this evil and defiant stare; Sly stood up straight, trying to put off a sense of vigor, and walked towards Ken.

When he got up to his bed, Sly stated, "Hello Ken."

Ken still gave off this aura of evil.

Two more seconds of the evil stare was enough to bring down even the mightiest of warriors. Crashing down, with the image of strength in shatters, Sly asked nicely asked, "Can we get you anything?"

Ken had only this to say.

"You can start by trading yourself in for a Korean boy." Ken gruffly replied.

Sly winced. He bared himself a look at the nurse. For the fact of the matter was, the nurse attending Ken was oriental. When Sly looked at the nurse (who was a praying mantis,) Sly noticed that she was slightly annoyed. Fearing that Ken had no clue about the nurse, Sly began to try and stop Ken, by vaguely pointing at the nurse and whispering, "Ken."

Unfortunately, Sly's father-in-law, did not get the message, and continued with his rant. "I'll name the kid Ho John Cooper." Ken exclaimed with anger and sarcasm ever so present.

No the nurse seemed really offended. Stopping her procedure, she stared at Ken with Awe. Sly continually tried to stop Ken, but nothing worked.

"Ken, you need to," Sly tried to put in.

"Ho John would respect me." Ken continued.

"Ken. You need-"

"Ho John wouldn't steal my distributer, and I could probably pick him up for a pack of cigarettes."

Sly then looked towards the sky in embarrassment. Trying a new tactic, he decided to remind Ken what got him going on this rant in the first place. Slapping his thighs, Sly proclaimed in defeat, "All right. You know what, Fine. You don't have to ask me or Murray for any help. If you need anything, ask her." Sly finished by waving his hand towards the nurse.

Ken looked at the nurse, noticed she was oriental, and stated in the most matter-of-fact way possible, "Hey Girl, do you know where I can pick up a Korean kid?"

"KEN!" Sly screamed in shock and bewilderment, as he laid his face down in his arms; not being able to bare himself a look at the mantis nurse.

Now the nurse seemed extremely offended. "Uh, excuse me?" the nurse replied with astonished insulted gasp. Sly could tell by the tone of her voice, that she was trying to stay calm, but with each passing second, the calmness was slowly starting to slip.

Ken only looked back up at the nurse, with that signature Fox grin, and replied with an even more racist remark. Yet, as Ken's remarks usually went, this one was actually more of a compliment. "I mean, you people know how to work hard, and you respect your parents." Suddenly, Ken noticed that this Mantis was a girl. And using another fox tactic, he tried using his filtration to his advantage. "Don't you baby?"

The mantis sighed in annoyance. _Great,_ _it's another racist asshole who's after nothing more than poontang. _She thought viciously. After she finished hooking up the rest of the E.K.G. machine, she gave her reply. "Well first of all," she said with a harsh and sardonic tone in her voice, "I'm Japanese. And secondly, I'm from Greece." Then, with complete mimicry from Ken's voice earlier, she replied, "_Baby_."

Ken eyed this woman suspiciously. It wasn't an incentive or disturbing look, but more of a look of curiosity. His left brow quirked up and Ken asked, with 50%sincerity, and 50% flirtation, "If you're Japanese, then why aren't you designing computers?"

With a gawk stare of shock and anger, the mantis replied with much sarcasm, "Because then, If I was designing computers, I wouldn't be able to see little racists devils like you."

Ken looked up like a child who had just found a lost puppy, and with a titillating and seductive wink, he exclaimed "Aww," out of sarcastic pity. The mantis, at this point, was already starting to walk away, and out of the room. It was a major part in the events that would transpire today. For, when she left, that gave Ken the opportunity to begin talking, (more like arguing) to his Son-In-Law. Ken flipped over on to his side, eyed Sly and Murray, and then crossed his arms.

"Well, well, well," Ken stated in a sarcastic and disapproving glare. "The boys' have come in to apologize to me, for giving me a heart attack."

Before Sly could even begin to backtalk, and give his much needed side to the spectrum, Murray's will power vanished into dust. Murray's resistance crumbled like the Berlin Wall. Surrendering immediately, Murray exclaimed quickly, "Yes Ken," with an incredible amount of shame.

"You weak bastard," Sly exclaimed out of disappointment. After eyeing down Murray, Sly turned to Ken, and with barley any drama in his voice, Sly cried, "Ken, we did not because you're heart attack."

Ken flipped. His arms that were once crossed were now flailing about and going in every direction possible. All that Ken need was some foaming at the mouth and he could have easily been mistaking for having rabies. It was insane. Ken was insane. His face was redder than a cherry tomato, and he screamed like a banshee, "CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING SAY, ONE NICE THING, FOR FIVE MINUTES!"

Sly was at a completely astonished. Ken was completely losing it. With a gawking stare, Sly shouted back, "You've been smoking and drinking your whole life-"

Before Sly could finish his sentence, he was interrupted in the strangest fashion yet. It started off with Ken simply proclaiming, in a rude fashion, "HEY! HEY! HEY!" But as Ken continued screaming, the cry transformed. "HEY! HEY! REY! ROY! ROAR! ROW! ROW!" Ken was now literally barking like a dog. His animal instincts were unleashed, and he began barking franticly. It was almost like a German Sheppard Bark. Sly literally jumped back and gripped Murray tightly; fear running between both of them. Their eyes were frail with panic.

Ken slowly came down from his instincts, realizing that he might be scaring other patients around him. His barking turned into a growl, and he proclaimed with a might of a god, "I HAVE SMOKED, AND I HAVE DRANK, FOR 15 YEARS, BEFORE CARMELITA WAS BORN, AND I NEVER, EVER, HAD A HEART-ATTACK!"

Sly was now hiking his leg in a defense mechanism instinct. He held out his hand, palm open, symbolizing politely for Ken to calm down. Ken now no longer was barking; only staring at Sly with eyes wide, filled with rage, and was breathing hard. After a couple seconds of tense silence, Sly began to speak his first words to Ken.

"While I can't argue with that," Sly stated somewhat timidly. Then, noticing that Ken was no longer going to fight back, Sly lost all restraint, and began to tell Ken off, "Ken, the only way that a distributer cap could kill you, is if I stabbed you in the heart with it," Sly stated while making stabbing gestures to Ken's chest with his closed fist.

All of a sudden…

BEEEEEEEEEEP

Sly's eyes widen at this horrific sound. It was by far one of the most recognizable sounds anyone could hear. Sly was completely shocked. Ken's heart just flat-lined. "KEN!" Sly screamed out of shock as he eyed the monitor. It showed that Ken's heart completely stopped.

But Ken, felt as normal as ever. "What?" Ken asked out of confusion.

Sly eyed Ken, and the monitor, moving his head between the two, back and forth. Sly was completely flabbergasted. Ken was supposed to be in serious pain. In fact, Ken was supposed to be dying. But here he was, just as evil and dream crushing as ever. So, with Sly completely confused, he asked the only logical question. "Um…how are things?"

Ken, stared at Cooper, wide eyed in confusion, when out of nowhere, his door opened.

Bursting through the door was a group of scrubs, being lead by one doctor like he was the pried piper. The doctor was a bull dog, and from some lack of hair and feeble looking bones, he seemed to be somewhere between 50 & 60 years old. He had on small spectacles that completed his pompous, yet fumbling doctor outlook he was presenting. The scrubs that followed behind him wheeled in front of them a giant defibrillator. Out of nowhere, Ken's HMO, the Japanese Mantis, ran out from behind the forest of scrubs, and ran up to Ken's monitor.

Eye-balling Ken, the bulldog doctor sprang into action. Once the defibrillator was right beside Ken's hospital bed, the doctor shouted, "Set the defibrillator to three hundred." Noticing Sly and Murray, the bulldog exclaimed, "Get away from the bed." Suddenly, the doctor grabbed the two pads of the machine, rubbed them together, and screamed, "CLEAR!" with his hands above Ken.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE!" Ken screamed, with his hands in the air, tying to defend himself. Strangely, the doctor complied, and now was hovering above Ken, shooting him a confused look. Obviously, his monitor stopped, so Ken was experiencing a heart-attack. Then, Ken gave forth his description to the event. "Before you assholes vaporize my ass, why don't you check if something's wrong with the monitors."

Suddenly, the mantis nurse from earlier, exclaimed while looking at the monitors, "He's right doc. The monitors got switched between him and the patient beside the curtain."

* * *

_HMO's….._

_We like to save lives, but we don't get all freaky about it._

* * *

Sly watched in astonishment through the medical curtains, as a team of doctors, nurses, and scrubs, desperately tried to save a life. Sly was unsure who they were working desperately on to resuscitate; the crowd of medical professionals made it impossible to identify the victim. But whoever, it was, the bulldog was trying his damndest to bring him or her back to life. Once in a while, the doctor would rise from the sea of scrubs, like Moses on the top of a mountain, with the defibrillator in his hands, only to fall back down into the sea, immediately, and violently; pressing the machine onto whoever was dying. With a resounding, _thud, _Sly could hear each volt of electricity pulsing through the body once the defibrillator made contact to the chest. Each volt of electricity was desperately trying to bring back that spark of life that once flowed ramped in the animal's veins.

Sly watched in awe, as this happened.

Then, after two astonishing minutes, the bulldog rose back up from the crowd of medically trained personal once more. This time, a dark shroud illuminated him. His facial expression was a mixture of both intense sadness, and deep disappointment. After panting for a good minute or so, the bulldog turned to a scrub dressed in blue, and calmly said some of the darkest and depressing words Sly would ever hear.

"It's over. He's dead now." The bulldog evenly proclaimed. And then, under his breath, he muttered; "Now how the hell are we suppose to tell his pregnant wife?"

Sly immediately turned back around, closing the curtain in a violent fashion. His eyes were widened in turmoil and surprise. The anxiety rushed through his veins like a NASCAR hot rod. He couldn't believe what he just saw. He had just witness the death of a man, even if he didn't entirely knew who that man was. Still, it was shocking, and unforgettable. Never in his life, had Sly witnessed something so tragic, since the death of his parents. Was it the most violent death he witnessed; no. Was it the most influential death that would make an impact on him as a Raccoon; not entirely. It would have been forgotten in less than a month, if Ken hadn't had said a few seconds afterward,

"Kinda make you stop and think, doesn't it?" Ken replied with a monotone as he commented on the situation.

Sly looked towards Ken. He had a thousand yard stare that would put any war vet to shame. It was then at that moment, that Sly realized that Ken would possible end up like the dead man he just witness breath his last breath. It was then, that Sly realized Ken was feeble.

"Yeah. Yeah it does." Sly stated slowly as he deeply thought about those words.

And then Ken replied, "Yeah, I wonder what his bastard of a child said to him?"

* * *

_It was then that I realized Ken is no longer the ass kicking God that Carmelita once knew. I realized that Ken, was now only and old fox. _

_Feeble_

_Weak_

_Prone to heart attacks._

_6 months from now, Carmelita and I would have our child. If I wanted my child to grow up with a grandfather, I had a simple choice to make._

_I can either be right._

_Or I can have Ken._

* * *

"Okay Ken," Sly muttered in a low tone with his own pride muffling his admittance to a somewhat distain sense of Guilt. As he swallowed his pride, Sly said incoherently, "I'm sorry."

Foxes, as most people know, have a very acute sense of hearing. So Ken was able to pick out that sentence immediately like a sniper picking out is target from a crowd. Ken's eyes widen to the size of grapefruits. Though in his voice, he present much sarcasm and self-righteousness.

"You're sorry huh?" Ken proclaimed as he crossed his arms. "Sorry means that it was _your entire fault._"

Sly held up his hand, before Ken could tear that hole in Sly's heart much deeper. He closed his eyes in pain, and he finally proclaimed. "Yes. It is my fault. I'm sorry."

Ken looked back down; thinking about what he just heard. Sly admitted guilt, something that Ken thought was impossible for a Raccoon to do. Something struck him as odd about the situation. While Sly admitted his part in the act of provoking Ken's cardiac arrest, Murray still stood before both Ken and Sly, confused, and shy as ever. Ken looked at the Pink hippo strait in the eyes, with a questioning yet sarcastic cock in his brow; as if to ask Murray, "Weeeeelllll?"

"I was a pawn." Murray defended himself as he pointed to Sly; the Raccoon giving off a look of shock and bewilderment.

After a few seconds, Sly braved himself a look at Ken. Again, all that Ken portrayed was a thousand yard stare. Sly desperately wanted something to break the silence. He also wanted something, to somehow, and in some way regain Ken's trust. So looking down, Sly asked, "Ken, is there anything I can do to make it up to you."

"There's not you can do," Ken immediately and involuntarily replied. Suddenly, as the words left Ken, he was struck by the lightning of inspiration. A nasty evil plan began to brew in his conscience. Although he had somewhat come to the conclusion that Sly knew it wasn't the distributer which lead to the heart attack, he realized that Sly truly didn't know what caused it in the first place. And as long as Sly was submitting himself to accept guilt, then that meant Sly would do anything, _anything_, to make it up to him.

Trying a small experiment, to see how far Sly would go, Ken muttered, "Of course, my car is totaled."

Sly's face beamed like a radiant sun. "A CAR." Sly concluded as he pointed to Ken when a thought popped in his head. "I'll take your car to the auto shop and me and the boys will fix it up good as new."

"New would be better," Ken dryly proclaimed as he stared Sly in the eyes, wondering how far the raccoon would extended this polite gesture.

Sly's face cracked for a few seconds. Just the thought alone was surprising. It sounded….no….Ken, was asking Sly for a new car. As he held up his hands in the absurdity of the request, Sly proclaimed shocked, "A new car?"

Ken, noticing Sly's reaction, decided to use another tactic. If Ken reminded Sly how much pain he experienced, Sly might take pity on him and surrender to his request. With a small groan, Ken grabbed his arm and tucked it in tightly around his chest. He made sure that the groan got a little bit louder, the closer he brought his arm to his chest.

Observing this, Sly started frittering about as he stumbled upon a clear and better solution; though it was a solution that pained him. "Okay," Sly gulped as he swallowed his pride. As he said each word, a strain became evident in his voice. "You can have my….classic….1956…._Chevy _with a corvette suspension."

"He said new." Murray replied, much to the astonishment of everyone. Sly turned his head and gawked at Murray like the hippo was an alien. Ken began holding his hands out, proclaiming that the offer was okay in his book, as images of him traveling down the road in Sly's badass silver Chevy with the top down.

Now Ken was beginning to get drunk with power. He was literally trying to push the boundaries and test the limits. With an all knowing, evil grin, Ken had one more request to give.

"I'll take the car into consideration; definitely." Ken proclaimed as he shifted about in his bed. Sly's eyebrows cocked as he stared at Ken confused, trying to see what Ken was doing moving around in the bed. "But either way, you still can't get me a new heart." Ken decided to let that comment sink in and sting Sly's emotional aura. "But," Ken added, "You can gain back my trust. All you have to do is perform what I ask. For your first task…"

And with that, Ken's pulled the sheets up closer to his neck, rolling them up as he did. His feet finally were now out in the open air; revealing themselves to Murray and Sly, much to their horror. A fowl stench filled the room as the boys stared in utter shock at the abnormally disgusting feet. Crust, yellow toe nails, and dry skin on heels would now and forever more, haunt the boys for night to come.

* * *

_When you whore yourself out to Ken Fox, you whore yourself out to the point where even other whores look at you and say, "Bitch please, there's such a thing as self-respect."_

* * *

"This is nice," Ken sighed happily as the boys picked the lint between his feet.

Sly couldn't have disagreed more. This was awful. It was torture. It was absolutely barbaric. The only good thing that came out of giving Ken a foot message, was the fact that Sly didn't have to face Ken while doing this. He could pout and look upon the horrible old feet with disgust as much as he wanted. And that he did. He would occasionally shot apathetic and common knowledge looks with Murray, who had the left foot. Murray would return these looks as well. They were now brothers sharing the same horrible experience together. This moment was somewhat comparable to two comrades in a war zone brought together by gruesome action.

It was hands down, the most humiliating and most discomforting moment of Sly's life. And the only way it could have became more embarrassing, was if his wife were to walk through the door and see this sight; which she did.

It was simply be coincidence that Carmelita walked in on her husband massaging Ken's feet. She walked in with the motive in mind to tell her husband some strange news. But halfway through the room, with her arm still holding on to the door and pushing to full swing, Carmelita took in the scene, and began to snicker. It was absolutely hysterical. Was it cruel for her to laugh at her husband's misfortune? Yes. But still, she couldn't help but cackle at her boyfriend messaging each individual toe on Ken's foot.

When Sly looked up at Carmelita with the biggest puppy dog eyes, she apologized by saying, "I'm sorry," and then proceeded to tell her husband the news. "But there's a law informant outside who wants to talk to you about Ken's car wreck."

"What!" Ken exclaimed, outraged and surprised. "The police want to give me a ticket for having a heart attack?"

"No, no, dad." Carmelita reassured him. "If that was the case, I'd be the one billing you. It's like some private eye guy, and he want's to talk to either you dad, or you Sly." Carmelita explained.

"But didn't you tell him that your Ken's daughter?" Sly asked.

"Yes I did," Carmelita proclaimed confused. "But he said that you were the only one that had the 'benefits for his needs.' Whatever the hell that means."

Sly placed Ken's foot away, having the ankle rest on the side of the cot. He looked back towards Ken's face, and stated, "I'll handle this Ken." And with that, Sly got up from his crouched position and walked towards his wife. And that's when he asked Carmelita one request that she was horrified to hear. He placed the toenail clippers that he had in his hand, and placed in her left hand, asking, "Honey, can you take over for me?"

Carm's face broke. With a shocked stare, she groaned out, "Uhhhh…..what?"

Sly didn't even give her time to answer. "Yes, I got to the little piggy that had roast beef." And with that, Sly stared to walk away and out the door.

Carmelita was flabbergasted. In one fell swoop, it was now Carmelita who would be aiding Ken's feet. At first, while disgusted, she didn't mind. After all, Murray was going to be cutting toenails to, so at least she would have someone to share the atrocity of the moment with. But then, to her utter horror, Murray left Ken's foot as well. For the pink hippo, it was the opportune moment to leave. Now it was Carm's responsibility to cut the toenails. After all, Ken was her father.

So, giving her his toe nail clipper, Murray told Carm, "I was on the little piggy that went 'we we we' all the way home." And, adding insult to injury, he stated, "Oh, and save the clippings. It might be all we have left of him." And with that, Murray ran to join Sly.

Carmelita turned to her father, with two clippers in her hands. Ken looked back, and with a huge silly grin on his face, Ken proclaimed, "Hello dear." And then he proceeded to wiggle his toes for his own amusement, as he watched Carm's jaw drop in shock and disgust.

"Ohh the horror!" Carmelita cried towards the heavens.

The first thing that Sly noticed when he walked out of Ken's room was the strange dog chatting with Neyla at the front desk. He looked like a Doberman. Sly could tell from the pointed ears and the long snout that he couldn't have been anything else but a Doberman. He also noticed that he looked a lot like a detective; or at least what Sly thought detectives looked like due to movie media. He had on a light brown trench coat, with black pants and steel toe boots. He also had on a brown hat with a back band. He was also currently smoking cigarettes, and laughing up a storm with Neyla.

Murray also noticed him too, and made it clear by shouting, "I know you."

The Doberman turned his head, noticed Murray….and smiled. "Hey Murray," the dog beamed brightly, with a wide smile. Afterwards, he crushed his cigarette in the ash tray, waved Neyla good bye, and started walking towards Sly. Once he was in front of Sly, he held out his hand in a polite gesture, and Sly shook it. Sly noticed that the dog's grip was firm and powerful. He obviously was a man of high authority, Sly assumed.

And Sly assumed rightly, for the Doberman concurred, "Hello. My names Jonathan West. You must be Sly."

"Yes, I am." Sly said. Then, the raccoon asked nicely, "How does Murray know you?"

"Well, I'm in the army reserves." Jonathan proclaimed. "I'm the guy who threw Murray off the recruitment bus when he was smoking that joint."

"You still have my pot," Murray muttered grouchy.

Sly proceeded to laugh. Sweet and funny memories filled his head. He remembered when he got the news that Murray was thrown off the bus. He was just about as surprised as everyone else. (Of course, Sly was the one who gave Murray the joint and told him to smoke it on the bus, but he wasn't going to tell anybody that soon.) After a small chuckle, and exclaiming, "Good times," Sly asked. "So what's going on? Is there anything you need?

Looking over Sly's shoulder, and staring directly at Ken's door as if it were the object of desire, Jonathan asked, "I need to speak with Ken please."

Sly clenched his teeth, and humorously and sardonically stated, "Yeah, Ken's breathing through a _tube _right now, so why don't you talk to Carm. She is his daughter."

"I doubt that Carmelita would have the means for my transaction," the Doberman said with a dirty smile.

Sly looked back with a cocked eyebrow of confusion. "What do you mean?" Sly asked.

"Let me start from the beginning," Jonathan proclaimed as he reached into his trench coat. He then took out a large brown envelop out of his inside pocket. Opening it and sliding out of it was three very large photos of what appeared to the front windshield of a car. "The intersection where Ken had his 'heart attack,' has a camera that takes a picture when you're car runs a red light. Take a look at this." And with that, he held out the photos in front of Sly for the raccoon to study.

Sly looked closely at the pictures, trying to analyzing everything. He noticed immediately, Ken driving the vehicle. But what shocked Sly, was that Ken in this photo didn't appear to be showing any pain at all. In fact, Ken was smiling. It looked as if though Ken was really, _really, _happy. As Sly continued to analyze the photo, he also noticed something else.

"What's that fury thing in Ken's lap?" Sly asked aloud. Murray at this point, started to look at the pictures as well.

The P.I. then flipped to the second photo. Sly noticed that it was still Ken driving, and it was in the same fashion as before. Again, Ken showed no pain or any sign that he was having a heart attack. This time, Ken's eyes were closed, and his mouth was opened in somewhat of a gasp; _Very odd, _Sly thought_._ Sly then noticed something also particularly odd about the photo.

"Now the fury thing is gone." Sly said aloud and confused.

And that's when the Doberman flipped the pictures to the very last one.

Sly's face immediately turned into a nasty and disappointed scowl. The revelation of it was too hard to comprehend, but yet it was the only reasonable answer. Ken didn't have a heart attack. Ken just had a wreck. Why? Because, what Sly noticed about this picture, was Ken now was smiling really wide. Also, the fury thing was back in Ken's lap, and Ken had a hand on it, trying to push it down. And Sly could also make out, that the fury thing had an ear.

"There it is again." Sly grumbled with anger and rage.

"Her name is Angela," Jonathan stated. "I'm her private detective. She's upstairs getting a cat scan."

"I still don't get it?" Murray said confused. "What's the fury thing in Ken's lap?"

Turning towards Murray, with eyes blazing with the fire inferno of anger, Sly said with much viciousness, "The fury thing is Angela!"

* * *

_Driving with a woman sucking your cock=Fun, but dangerous._

_Driving with a woman sucking on your cock + not wearing a seatbelt=More fun, but more dangerous._

_Driving with a woman sucking your cock + Not wearing a seat belt + getting in a car accident + blaming me= well, looks like the head is in the other lap now!_

_Revenge will be sweet._

* * *

"Flip the pictures back and forth real fast, it looks like a short porno." Sly commented on the photos with disgust and anger.

Murray, placed his fingers on the photo's and scrolled through them. "Yeah, No plot though."

Sly looked at Murray with an open jaw of surprise. Quickly, Sly began to gawk at his friend in a strange manner. He couldn't believe that Murray was that ignorant. Maybe he was just really stupid, or just too innocent to understand the matter of the situation.

Ken had lied about his heart attack. He scared everyone, including his daughter to the point of insanity. What's more is Ken had blamed Sly for his fake misfortune. How could a father do something like this to his family? It was downright evil. Sly placed his head in the palm of his hands, as he let out a sigh. He looked up and noticed the Private Inspector still sitting across from him on the chairs in the waiting room.

Sly lifted his head, and asked the question that was currently on his mind. "Okay, what's the deal? Why did you specifically tell me about this information and not Carmelita?"

"Gentlemen,' the Doberman began politely, "The doctors told me that due to head trauma, Angela won't remember the crash or how it happened. If I tell her, she could sue the hell out of Ken and if the legal system finds Ken guilty, he could lose his license, face serious jail time, and have to register as a sex offender."

As Sly's jaw dropped from the brutality of the situation, Murray's face beamed. "All right!" Murray exclaimed with much excitement. "Dude that would be hilarious! Oh, the irony of the situation!"

Sly placed his hand over Murray's mouth to shush him, as Murray's ranting was starting to attract attention. Once Murray calmed down, Sly decided to give his point of view; the point of view that everyone needed to know. It was sheer genius.

"Murray," Sly exclaimed with a devious look in his eyes. "Why let the P.I. humiliate Ken when _we _could do it for him." Sly exclaimed. "I mean, this is like a gift from God. It's a revenge piñata, filled with little chunks of Ken."

Murray's face smiled widely as the revelations stirred in his brain. This was an opportunity to good to pass up. And apparently, the P.I. knew that as well. Otherwise, why else would he go to Sly first? So, leaning towards the investigator, Sly began to ask for the Doberman's request. "So what do you want out of this ordeal?"

"You own a custom hot rod shop," The Doberman stated as he leaned forward. "I want my viper, flamed."

"Yeah," Murray retorted like a child. "Well you took my pot when you kicked me off the Army recruit bus. I want my pot back."

Sly slapped himself on the forward. The sheer lack of intellect from Murray was completely bewildering. "Murray," Sly groaned. "We're the ones bribing him. That's not how it works."

"But he already has my pot!" Murray whined without reserve.

"Murray!" Sly exclaimed with wide eyes as he placed the palm of his hands over the hippo's mouth, hoping to the heavens that Murray would shut up. After a few seconds of silence, as Sly let the dust settle, the raccoon turned towards the P.I. and gave a nod of his head in acceptance. "All right. We'll paint your car."

"Deal," the Doberman concluded as he tossed them the pictures. He pulled out a cigarette and began to light it, before leaving the gang, and walking away in true detective fashion.

Looking at Murray, while stacking the papers with his knee, Sly gave forth a devious grin, and whispered with much excitement, "It's payback time." The two of the chuckled like naughty school boys. Ken was _soooo_ going to get it. As Sly looked towards the ground, as devious plans concocted in his subconscious, Murray decided to bring out an old quote.

"'It is difficult to fight against anger for a man will buy revenge with his soul.' – Heraclitus; 500 B.C." Murray stated.

After letting the historic accuracy, the perfect timing, and the strangeness of the quote that Murray said to settle in, Sly replied to Murray, "You scare the crap out of me sometimes."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sly heard the sound of someone in high heels walking towards them. Sly turned his head towards the source of the sound, and found him staring at an extremely tired, very exhausted, and somewhat aggravated Carmelita walking out of Ken's room. Sly realized that Carmelita could be a major contributing factor for him to get sweet revenge on Ken. After all, Ken lied to her to. All sly had to do was milk this moment for what it was worth, show Carm the pictures, and then she would immediately side with Sly.

He proceeded to milk the situation, when Carmelita slammed herself down on the couch, exhausted from her hard work. "Ken is asleep; finally." Carmelita announced to her husband. "I had to give my dad a foot message." She proceeded to shudder at the memory. "He told me to make his feet, 'feel as nice as they looked.'"

With the boys giving their best sad faces, Sly proceeded to make Carmelita reach her boiling point. "Wow," Sly said with much sadness in his voice, (though it clearly sounded like he was over acting.) "You must feel…..dirty." Sly proclaimed.

"And Angry," Murray added.

"Yep," Sly stated as he shook his head. "Dirty and angry. I mean, you took the day off of work to see if Ken was all right, and then you had to message his feet. It's a good thing that he had a heart attack. Otherwise, all of that work would have been for nothing."

"Okay Sly, what the hell is wrong with you?" Carmelita viscously replied.

And that's when, out of the inside of his shirt, Sly pulled out the photos and showed them to Carmelita.

At first, the poor girl fox was confused. "It's a picture of my dad," she concluded. "So?"

"Take a closer look," Sly stated with a _sly _grin.

Carmelita leaned in towards the photo, and finally noticed the strange thing about the picture. "What's that furry thing on my dad's lap?"

Sly flipped to the next picture.

"It's not there anymore." Carmelita stated.

Then, Sly flipped it on over to the last page.

"There it is again," Carmelita stated confused.

"Angela," Sly told her.

At first, she was still completely oblivious to the context of the photo. Then, suddenly, her eyes widened at the eye-opening truth of the matter. She began to fume. Her body shook with rage. She let out little squeaks of anger as her lips mouthed without control. And her face became redder than a cherry tomato.

Suddenly, with the rage of a thousand hell spawned demons, Carmelita exclaimed, "I MESSAGED KEN'S FEET!"

Sly nodded his head once. _Mission accomplished. Carm is on my side. _

She stood up as she pointed towards Ken's door. The anger in her was unbearable. Sly and Murray still sat as they watched Carmelita begin a tirade. "KEN….THAT LITTLE….SON OF A-….PEICE OF…." Then, Carm pointed at the photo's in Sly's hand. "That's not a heart attack, that's a blow j-"

Suddenly, Sly sprang from the couch, "OH, PLEASE SAY IT!" Sly stated with much enthusiasm. Then, wiggling back and forth, and smiling mischievously, Sly whispered like a beggar, "I love it when you say it."

Carmelita placed her hands on her hips. She looked at him with the smile of both anger and disappointment. Sly should really act more mature in a manner like this. Playing along, and teasing him just equally, and possibly better than Sly, she put a finger on the pictures, looked her husband square in the eyes, and concluded, "_That's…._not driving safely."

And after that, she took the photos from Sly's hands, and replied, "My dad doesn't have to worry about his heart anymore. Because _I'm going to rip it out!" _

Carmelita was marching towards her father's hospital room door, when she was block by the body of her husband, Sly. Murray also stood with Sly as well.

"No, no, no," both of them repeated in unison. Then, placing a hand on Carm's shoulder, Sly began to explain to her the opportunity that the situation presented with an evil smile on his face. "Don't worry babe. We're going to get revenge, we're just gonna do it slow, methodical, painful, and mean; just the way your father would."

Leaning her head against his chest, Carmelita wickedly smiled, and proclaimed, "Oh….daddy's gonna be so proud." She savored the moment as she heard her husband's heart beat with excitement, as she kissed under his jaw. Then, looking up and into Sly's eyes, she asked, "But what to do?"

As if it were a sign sent by providence, Bentley entered the hospital through the double doors, with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. "Hi guys," he stated, this time with less hate against Sly. Then, Bentley said the words that would change their lives forever. "Have the doctors ran any of the test on Ken yet?"

The gang stared at the turtle with blank stare.

"The EKG, the cardiac cauterization, the eco-cardiogram?" Bentley listed off.

Turning her head towards her husband, with a cunning grin, she avowed, "uh-oh. Daddy needs tests."

Sly held a fist up to his mouth, trying to conceal his laughs of triumph. Medical tests would be the perfect way to exact their revenge on Ken. Not only would it hurt Ken, but it would destroy his wallet. But which one to choose? That's the question that was floating around everyone's head at the moment, when Sly turned to Bentley and began to talk to his little green friend.

"Well, I don't know if they done any test for _poor old ken." _Sly announced to Bentley, as the Raccoon, the fox, and the hippo all turned their eager heads to Bentley, hoping he'd comply.

"Well you'd know if they done a cardiac cauterization." Bentley stated nonchalantly. "I mean, it's a very painful test." And then, Bentley added, "Do you think he needs one,"

Carmelita response happened in a blink of an eye. Immediately, she exclaimed, "Oh yes! Yes! Ken defiantly needs it." And then, crossing her arms, and looking towards Sly with a devious face, she exclaimed through clenched teeth, "My dad is a very, _very, sick, sick man."_

With eyes widen by surprise, Bentley stated, "Ok, but I warn you, it's very painful."

"How so?" Carmelita asked with curiosity in her voice.

"Well, for one thing, they have to run a tube from his groin up to his heart." Bentley described.

Immediately, Murray and Sly winced out of pain, groaned, and crossed their legs together. The thought of having a tube shoved up in their most private areas was completely bewildering, and painful.

Carmelita, however, beamed gloriously at this idea, and with a cocked brow, and a mischievous smile, she beamed "_Really?" _with and indention in her voice.

"Yeah," Bentley stated, shivering in pain as well. "And on top of that, he has to lay still for at least six hours." Then, leaning in, Bentley whispered privately with the gang, "But that's not the worst part."

"What's the worst part?" the whole gang asked in unison. The anticipation was just too much.

At first, Bentley was taken aback by the sudden unison of voices. But, shrugging this off as coincidental, he leaned forward again, and said, "They have to shave him completely; from ears to toes. Even his tail will have to be nude."

All of their jaws dropped on the floor. They were flabbergasted at even the thought of such an act being committed to a patient. They slowly turned, and reeled in the situation upon them. This test was just simply perfect. And if they chose this test for Ken, he'd have a tube in his penis, six hours of boredom, and blown wallet, and no body hair to speak of. And Foxes, as most know, take pride in their bushy tales.

Slowly, but surly, their shocked faces of surprise, turned into dirty smiles of mischief. _Slow, methodical, and painful. _

Then, a thought popped in Sly's mind. "What time can he have visitors during the test?" Sly asked.

"Well, I haven't heard of anyone trying to visit their loved one while in the middle of such a test," Bentley said. "But, I assume that Ken could have visitors about three hours into it."

Sly thought about this, leaned in to Carm's ear, and whispered, "Well make the doctors do the test. Then we can go, grab a bite to eat, come back here about three hours later, and show Ken the evidence while eating a bacon hamburger sandwich."

Carmelita turned around to face Sly. Her eyes were widening with such wonder. And her mouth was gaped open in a happy-shocked face. Immediately she sprang onto Sly, ferociously kissing him. Pulling back, she exclaimed, "Sly, you're a freaking genius. That's wonderful."

"What's wonderful?" Bentley asked confused.

Suddenly, realizing that Bentley didn't know, they looked at each other in a moment's pause of shock. They decided as they looked into each other's eyes, for the better, maybe Bentley shouldn't know all the details about Ken's ordeal. Regaining their composure, Carmelita exclaimed. "It's nothing really." She stated as she brushed out the creases of her dress. "Sly just told me that the test would be perfect for Ken."

At first, Bentley was completely perplexed by what Carm said. Based on her reaction, she apparently was way too excited for such a test to be performed on her father. But, thinking it was just pregnancy hormones acting up, Bentley shrugged his shoulders, and proclaimed, "Okay, but we better hurry and tell the doctor's to give Ken the test now. Otherwise, you'll be here around early AM times."

And with that, the whole gang followed directly behind Bentley. Unbeknownst to the green turtle, the whole gang accompanied with them, vicious and devious smiles on their faces, as they tried desperately to conceal their giggles of enjoyment.

* * *

_The Lancaster Heart Foundation states that you are 116% more likely to of a heart condition in an HMO than in a regular hospital._

_Apparently, there are enough mercenaries who frankly don't give a damn about the patient._

_At that moment, those facts came buzzing around my head. And all of them were brought up with this question in mind._

_How can I use this to my advantage?_

* * *

As the gang stepped in, they were greeted by the sight of the bull dog doctor, signing away on some papers, and a smiling Ken, leaning his head back into the palms of his hands, as he stretched out his back. At first, with the exception of Bentley, everyone fumed at this sight. _How can Ken just sit there like that with that freaking disgusting smirk, _they wondered. _He freaking lied about a heart attack. Good thing he's about to get a tube in his junk._

And then suddenly, their minds were shot back into reality, when the bull dog looked up, noticed the company standing by the door, and proclaimed, "Good news Carm. We're releasing your father."

"WHAT!" the whole gang shouted in unison, shocked by such a statement.

"No, no, no," Bentley repeatedly exclaimed, as he waged a finger and walked over closer to the doctor, and Ken's bedside. "This man just had a heart attack."

"-and the police report will say 'accident cause by heart attack.' Right?" Ken asked the doctor, interrupting Bentley.

_Oh…..you're so gonna get it, _Carmelita ferociously thought as she fumed. Her dad had just put her through hell, and he lied about his condition. On top of that, he blamed Carmelita's husband for his misfortune. Soon, it would be time to pay.

And Bentley was the cashier. "Not until they run test."

Ken turned his head towards Bentley, with confusion spreading all over his face, as he quietly exclaimed, "What?"

"Have you run test?" Bentley asked the doctor.

"Yes," the bull dog defended himself.

"Oh, what kind of test? You shine a flashlight down his throat?" Sly exclaimed, not wanting to miss an opportunity to punish Ken.

"That…and other stuff." The Bull dog replied, with his alibi currently lacking in strength.

With a devious smile, Sly leaned in for the kill, and began to sell the doctor, the idea of running test. There was one emotion that Sly wanted to doctor to feel, and that was fear. "Pardon me doc," Sly stated with a smile. "But _Ken, _was under your care. And _he _had a heart attack. So if you release him, and he walks out those double Decker doors and keels over…..well….."

"IT'S YOUR ASS!" Murray finished the statement, yelling at the doctor while pointing a finger at him.

The bull dog thought about this for a moment. He couldn't handle being sued. His financial situation would crumble if he were to lose his job. Fear swept over him like a tidal wave. So, looking at Sly with the best intentions, the bull dog criss-crossed his arms together, and asked the raccoon, "What do you want me to do?"

"A cardiac cauterization." Sly replied without a hitch in his voice.

"Whew," the doctor breathed out in surprise at such a statement. "Well, it's a very expensive test." Then, turning towards Ken, the bulldog asked the question that would forever land Ken into the trap that Sly wanted to spring all this time. "Are you sure you had a heart attack?"

Before Ken could even get a word in edgewise, Sly yelled loudly, "OF COURSE HE HAD A HEART ATTACK! I mean. Who the hell lies about heart attacks? Whoever does that is a _real loser. _Am I right Ken?"

Ken's eyes opened up brightly in shock. It was at that moment, that Ken realized he was screwed. On one hand, if he told his son-in-law that he'd been lying all this time, he'd probably lose all respect from his daughter, and would die an old feeble man. On the other hand, if he kept on insisting that he had a heart attack; it meant that he would have to go under some kind of painful test.

Decided that a simple test, was better than a life with no rest, Ken stated "Well yeah, of course."

Seeing the fear in Ken's eyes, Sly and Carmelita couldn't help but think, _gotcha you bastard. _

But they needed one more thing. They needed just one more added kick in the concoction that they created for the situation to have an added sting. They needed some drama. Something to make Ken realize that he was getting this test, and there was no way out. Luckily for Sly, when Carmelita was in high school, she took acting lessons to pass a major. So, remembering her old lessons she receive from School, Carmelita began to try and create tears, and fake being sad.

"You better give him that test," Carmelita croaked to the bull dog doctor. Her voice was already cracking in her attempt to portray sadness. "Because….he's…..my…._dad." _This time, the tears were extremely close to overflowing. Her eyes were becoming bloodshot. Her voice was starting to crack. Her body was trembling. And with four final words, Carm exclaimed, "and_ I love him!" _Before throwing herself onto her husband's chest, and crying into his fur. Her tears were now streaming from her face with such ferocity, that Sly was astonished at how well she could act.

Leaning into her ear, Sly whispered words of encouragement. "_nice."_

Then, for an added measure, she took her face off her husband's chest, looked towards her father, and crying (but still faking it) she exclaimed, _"I want to go to the park and let you push me on the swing, one more time dad!"_

"Wait. When the hell did we do that?" Ken exclaimed, extremely confused.

As Sly watched Ken realized he was fucked, Carmelita leaned into Sly's ear, and whispered something.

* * *

_It is difficult to fight against anger for a man will buy revenge with his soul. – Heraclitus; 500 B.C._

_My dad's pubes are toast. – Carmelita Fox; 2014_

* * *

All of a sudden, at that particular moment when Carmelita held on to Sly and Ken stared in confusion, the mantis who saved Ken earlier, came bursting through the door. In front of her, she wielded a small cart with an electric clipper, a bowl of water, shaving cream, and a manual razor. She walked into the room with much confidence, and without missing a beat, looking at Ken, she told Carmelita, Sly, and the rest of the gang…

"All right, out of here, all of ya." The Asian Mantis stated. "I need to shave him."

Suddenly, Ken burst up from his laying down position on the mattress. His expression was that of utter fear and shock. springing up like a the blast of a shotgun, Ken exclaimed with much hysteria, "WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO SHAVE ME?"

Looking back at Ken, with the most devious eyes, she proclaimed sardonically, "Yeah, cost me a pack of cigs, but it was worth it."

At that moment, Ken recognized who she was. Knowing this came with the fear and knowledge of how he treated her earlier today. If she had any right sense of mind, she was going to torture him. And she was, _she was going to shave him. _But Ken couldn't blame her, A.) He was acting like an ass and B.) It was her job. Still, Ken had to find a way out of this situation he was currently in. Trying to stop the lady, he thought that if he described his lie in-depth more, he might get a lesser test for a lesser heart condition.

"Now, wait a minute," Ken tried to proclaim calmly while holding out a hand. "I made this sound a lot more serious than it is,"

Out of nowhere, Carmelita ran up to her dad, cutting him off by exclaiming, "You did? So you didn't have a heart attack?"

"No," Ken immediately exclaimed, "I did but-"

Before he could get a word in edge wise, Carmelita shushed him by placing her hand on his chest, and cutting him off by bringing back her acting skills, and producing small welling teardrops around her eyelids.

"Because," she interrupted "We want what's best for you because…._we…..love you." _

Ken was dumbfounded. He had no clue that his own daughter had such an emotional attachment to him. Sure, she was his daughter and she cared for him, but he was a terrible father. And he knew it. Without thinking, Ken stated, "And I love you to but-"

"Shave him. Let's go Sly." Carmelita interrupted before Ken could get a word in edge wise. As Carmelita grabbed Sly around the arm, and they walked out the room together, Ken realized that he was about to be left alone to the treacherous mercies of the Asian Mantis who he had offended earlier.

Reaching out with his arms, he screamed to his daughter, "Wait! Please. Don't leave me here."

Seeing this as an opportune moment for her to explain her future actions, the Mantis woman shushed Ken by running to his side, and placing a finger on his lips. Her eyes blazed with the fury of the fiery depths of hell. And with the most sarcastic and fakest Asian accent ever, she mocked Ken for his future misfortune by stated, "Don't wawy Joe. I be very Gentle. Me shave you, long time."

* * *

**Three hours later.**

After a good hearty meal at one of their favorite restaurants, the cooper gang began to head back towards the hospital. Fortunately, Murray had enough sense, (or hunger) effecting him to make the gang pull over to Ken's favorite fast food joint, _The Greasy Spoon. _While Sly and Carmelita disliked such products, they knew that ken absolutely loved them. And it was essential to have at least one hamburger in hand when Sly would converse with Ken three hours into his test.

How else would they be able to torment him?

Sly knew that he was going to be in for a surprise once he walked through the doors, but this was a cluster of emotions. At first Sly was shocked. He thought he walked into the wrong room. There was a very bright pink animal on the hospital bed; no fur to speak of. He looked almost like an alien. And for some reason, he was holding up the covers, and looking in them.

Then, suddenly, Sly felt humored when the creature looked up to meet his eyes. That's when Sly recognize it was Ken. He'd knew he'd look bad without fur on, but _damn….._This was something Sly wasn't prepared for. Using the bag from the greasy spoon to shield his smile and small chuckles of laughter, Sly asked Ken "Ken…..um….need a little after shave?"

With a sigh of disappointment, Ken began to complain. "Look at me," Ken whined. "I look like a pre-pubescent homo alien."

Sly smiled to himself as he walked closer to Ken. He held the envelope with the pictures of Ken inside the greasy spoon to-go bag. Sly knew that it wouldn't be long before Ken would tell the truth. A Fox can only go through so much before he cracks. But Sly was waiting for the opportune moment, to reveal the secret to Ken. And that moment would arrive when Ken would reveal his secret.

And reveal it he did.

As Sly sat down next to Ken on the edge of the bed, Ken sighed and stated, "Sly….can you please tell them to stop the test. I've been laying like this for three hours. There's a goddamn tube in my 'happy place' and…Sly, I'm so sorry that I have to tell it to you like this but…the truth is….._I didn't have a heart attack."_

Sly did his best to act shocked. With a gasp, an open mouth, and wide eyes, Sly proclaimed. "What? Wait. Does that mean you _fake_ heart attack….was….was….."

"Fake," Ken complied and finished Sly's sentence.

"And that means that….that…..your _fake _heart attack was not my….." after Sly exclaimed this, he rolled his two fingers together, symbolizing that he wanted Ken to finish his sentence.

"Fault," Ken replied.

Sly, then held a finger to his lips, and then shaking his head back and forth, while coming out with three 'tsks' Sly asked mockingly "Now how did you get in a car accident?"

Not picking up on Sly's sarcasm, Ken began to explain with, "well….it's a long story….'

_This is it, _Sly happily thought as he reached into the greasy spoon bag. Pulling out the envelope, Sly exclaimed happily and deviously, "Well Ken…I bet a picture," and with that, Sly three the envelope to Ken's chest; the fact that he now had no fur cause the envelope to create small red marks where the edges cut him, "is worth a thousand words."

At first, Ken was confused. Reaching towards the envelope, and opening it, Ken wondered what the hell Sly was smiling about. It didn't take long for Ken to find out. As soon as he pulled out the first picture, he immediately recognizes that it was him on camera. And he flipped. Throwing the pictures in the air, Ken screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK! ALL THIS TIME YOU…"

And then he stopped. He noticed that Sly had no fear. There was no tension, and no paranoia. Sly was about as happy, cheerful, and relaxed as ever. And that caused Ken to do something he hasn't done in a long time.

Ken smiled.

"You knew…and you let them shave me?" Ken said with a devious tone.

"No Ken. I knew and I _got _them to shave you." Sly corrected him.

As soon as Sly said that, Ken's anger came rushing back like a tidal wave. It was dramatic. Ken's eyes almost bulged out of his skull, as the shaved fox slammed his fist onto the hospital bed, while exclaiming with a thunderous tone, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Son of a bitch?" Sly stated as if he were shocked. Coming back with a wide grin, Sly exclaimed sardonically, yet happily. "Now Ken, I know why you're mad. You're mad just because you're shaved, and I'm still all _fuzzy."_

"WHY YOU LITTLE!" Ken cursed Sly and the heavens above with a bellowing roar. Sly was trying to hold back his laughter. He got Ken right where he wanted him. For years, he had teased Carm the same way he teased him. For years, he lied to Carm about many things. And now, it was Sly who held the spoils of just deserts and victory.

Vengeance was sweet.

And then, everything turned sour.

As Ken was in the middle of his tirade, he immediately stopped, and let out a pained moan. Clutching his arm, Ken brought it to his chest, as his face scowled in pain and agony. He let out a giant breath of sheer ache, as it felt like an unbearable amount of weight was placed upon his heart. Sly, completely confused, cocked an eyebrow and asked, "Ken, you feeling okay?"

And then, all of a sudden.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP !

The heart monitor rang out as Ken's heart struggled so hard to try and produce a beat. Sly, completely bewildered, ran over to Ken screaming. "Ken! KEN!" to his utter horror, Sly noticed that Ken was having trouble breathing. Ken's eyes were frail with pain, and Sly watched in dismay as Ken's eyes began to roll back into his skull.

Out of nowhere, the bull dog doctor from earlier came bursting through the doors with a team of scrubs behind him, wheeling in a defibrillator. With the most commanding voice Sly ever heard, the bull dog shouted, "Ken's in cardiac arrest. Wait outside. Now!"

Before Sly could even comprehend what was going on, a bunch of multicolored scrubs began pushing him out of the room until in the blink of an eye, Sly was outside the room; desperately watching the doctors through a little window as the doctors desperately tried to save Ken's life.

And then, the heart monitor flat lined.

* * *

_In a crisis, a family comes together as they set aside their petty differences and hatred, while they pray and do constructive work, to bring that crisis to an end._

_But in my family, we put aside our petty differences and hatreds because that gives us the opportunity, to come up with new ones._

_Ken's heart stopped for 20 seconds straight. For 20 agonizingly slow seconds, Ken's heart didn't beat, pound, move, twitch, or even fucking shake._

_Luckily, the doctors saved Ken, and he is now alive and doing well._

_Unluckily for me, Ken hates my rotting guts. He has taken Carm away from me, house trapped her, and I haven't been able to see Ken or Carmelita for three weeks._

_I need to figure something out. _

_They are now in a house in Romania. I plan on visiting them every day until Carm is back in my arms. I must go to sleep now. Tomorrow, I will try again._

_Wish me luck,_

_Sly. _

* * *

_**Will sly be able to retrieve Carmelita in time before she has their child?**_

_**Will Ken be able to forgive Sly?**_

_**Will Neyla return to bring devastation the Cooper gang?**_

_**Find out….on the next chapter of Diary of a Theive.**_

**Sorry to leave you guy's hanging again, but this was how I planned it out. Again, I apologize for the extremely long wait. As I said, school's been kicking my ass, and I hope all of you understand. I also hope that you understand, that I love doing this and pleasing you all, but I need to know if you are still enjoying the story. Read, review, and share as much as possible. I really appreciate it as a writer and you have no idea how much confidence it gives me.**

**Thank you, and God Bless.**

**Welcometofightclub.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	12. Sly is dead

**HELLO ONE AND ALL! I HAVE FINALLY RETURNED. The last month or so has been hell for me, but this month has also provided great opportunities for my future. I had an audition for acting agents down in Florida for an acting/talent competition and 2 agencies are very, VERY, interested in hiring me. Besides that, the band I'm in, Touch of Red, preformed another gig and added a new member, a backup guitarist named CJ. So things are going great, I just couldn't find the time to write this. But now that school has been let out for summer vacation, (WOOT) I have all the time in the world. I apologize for the long wait, and I hope you wonderful people enjoy the last chapter in the series. This has been a blast and I've enjoyed writing this comedy and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. **

**Thank you all, and God Bless! Without further ado, here it is.**

**Oh, and btw, I'm doing more references to people using animal names. David Finch=David Lynch. (One of my all time favorite film directors).**

* * *

**Prologue;**

_I gave my father-in-law, Ken Fox, a heart attack. The memory of it is etched into my brain. He took my three month pregnant wife, Carmelita fox, away from me, and I wasn't able to see her for the next six months._

_IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A JOKE!_

_I mean, you push a guy's face into a cake, he's gotta clean his face. You hit a guy with a water balloon; he's supposed to dry off. The guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week. It's hilarious!_

_You don't go and have a heart attack. *angry face* :( it kills the joke; and sometimes the victim of the joke. _

_Carmelita was pissed at Ken these past 6 months and I don't blame her. I would have been in pure rage if I was in the situation she was in. But, we have now both seen that Ken, is really all Carmelita has left; besides her idiotic, drug abusing, brother Jake. (Who, I had the quote unquote "pleasure," of meeting by the way.) _

_Now, if someone finds this diary, you may wonder why the hell is Ken the only thing Carmelita has left. After all he done to her, after the hell he's put you two through, why do you still love him?_

_Because, my fellow reader of my personal property, in a violent world, where bad things happen, you need to be protect by someone who is worse._

_Carmelita calls him father._

* * *

Sly approached the cobble stone walkway to the house as he was accustomed to these past six months since the heart attack incident. He took another daunting look towards the shelter of the lion's den. It was painted pure white, with black shutters and blue curtains. It looked like something out of a very eerie David Finch film; or documentary footage of the red scare from the early 50's. In front of the house, were two very large, twiggy, brown, dead bushes, with the faintest hints of Rose Buds coming into bloom. In a world where everything was grim, hope was trying it's damndest to shine through.

And that's what kept Sly going the same route these past few months; coming back to Ken's door step everyday at 3:30 immediately after he got off work, to knock on his door repeatedly, and to ask for Ken's forgiveness and Carmelita back; hope. Hope was all that Sly had to help him wake up in the morning. It was the hope that, if he tried hard enough, and did it repetitively, Carmelita would be back in his arms just before their first child was born. Sadly, the attempts before this day were unsuccessful, and usually left Sly drained of energy, after running for his life from Ken.

But now, something new has arisen from the ashes of the heart attack catastrophe. Yesterday, at approximately 6:00pm, Sly was given a call on his cell, from Carmelita's brother Jake. Jake told Sly that Ken was ready to talk. At first, Sly was unsure about the proposition that Jake reported to Sly. It was not that he didn't want to talk to Ken, but it was very hard to trust Jake. But, as the hours past by, Sly found himself unable to sleep. The excitement of the day looming ahead and the possibilities it could bring were too much to handle.

Hell, Sly was astonished that he was able to walk up through the path and reach the large white door with the golden knob without his head exploding.

Taking one last large intake of oxygen and one lengthy exhale, Sly sighed in anticipation; eager that this would be the Last time he would ever have to walk up the coble stone path. Using all his will power to fight his doubts, Sly lifted his hand and knocked on the door three times.

Immediately, and without warning, Jake threw the door open from the other in. It was quick-paced, and with so little patience, Sly yelped in surprised; not expecting Jake to reach the door that fast. Honestly, Sly thought his heart might have stopped just _a little bit. _

Jake was half Fox and half Rabbit, (as ironic as that sounds, it was completely 100% percent true). Jake was the child of Lalya Cadbury Rabbit, who was Carmelita 3rd step mom. Layla meet Ken at a bar, and as the old saying goes, the rest was history. Layla had Jake with Ken and around Jake's third birthday, she began to loath the sadistic bastard of a Fox that she was married to. Eventually, Layla left without warning, leaving nothing but a note, divorce papers, and unfortunately Jake. No custody battle took place, and Jake was left under the malicious intent of Ken.

Although Jake's tail was clearly fox like, the rest of his body was defiantly Rabbit-like. He had white fur with piercing red eyes. His two long, too long ears were flopped down to the side as if he had just taken a very extensive shower. His fox tail was snowy white just like the rest of his body. His torso was very skinny and sinewy, but his arms were somewhat ripped in muscles; not too much to be considered a body builder, but at least enough were on lookers would decided not to challenge him to a fight. He had a sardonic mood to match his oval head, and yet strangely opposing charismatic facial features. It was as if his face was saying, 'I don't give a rat's ass, fuck you.'

Jake wore a white greased stained wife beater, along with ripped jeans that weren't bought that way. He had on a pair of giant brown combat style boots that were untied, and completing his junkie attire, was a robe that was hanging, just barley, off his left arm as he placed it on the side of the door. The wife-beater and jeans hung loosely off his black tar heroin wiry figure. Unfortunately, however, the drug addiction was not the worst thing about Jake. Not only was he shooting it up, and taking hits from the bong at least three times a day, Jake was 21 years old, still live with his dad, had no job, and was still a virgin.

Jake was the absolute definition of sadness. Which is why Sly's mouth was gaped open in shock as he took his first long look at the forgotten brother; Jake.

"You must be Jake," Sly said aloud in awe.

"Gee, wonder what cued you in on that?" Jake asked sarcastically. Afterwards, he brought a blunt which he was holding at the time, up to his lips and began to smoke. He then began to cough as most stoners do. When he eyeballed Sly once more, thanks to the marijuana, Jake's red piercing eyes now were even redder and seemed as if though they could devour themselves into the soul of Satan himself. With an itchy, gruff voice, Jake stated, "My father is ready to talk to you now."

Sly's eyes widen at the proclamation Jake just exclaimed. He beamed with Joy, "Really," he replied with a giddy tone adequate to that of a small school boy. "Thank god!" Sly's excitement was at boiling point. Suddenly, as Jake was about to walk back into the house, a sudden idea dawned upon the Ringtail. "Wait, wait, wait," Sly hyperactively whispered as he tried to hold Jake back. Jake turned back around with a cocked brow, as he watched Sly's emotions switch from franticly happy, to desperate, depressed, and sadden. Sly was trying his hardest to appear miserable and in need of forgiveness. He hoped that if his words wouldn't convince Ken to let him have Carm back, maybe looks added with his words will. It was time for all those acting lessons from the thevious racoonist to pay off. With a sadden look, Sly replied dryly, "Okay, now I'm ready."

Jake cackled silently as he watched Cooper become an actor in training. "You know what Cooper," Jake said, "I really like you and find you hilarious." Then, with a charismatic and foreshadowing tone, he avowed, "Question is, will Ken feel the same?"

Jake disappeared into the dim light of the house once more. Stepping back through the door way, and into the light, was the very grumpy, very hateful, and extremely pissed off Ken; in nothing but a bathrobe, boxers, and slippers. The transition between Jake and Ken was so quick that it startled the poor Raccoon. Sly began to fumble for the right words to say, as the shock from Ken's overly angry face caused Sly's mind to boggle in fear for a few moments. Then, coming back to reality, Sly remembered the words he wanted to say. Coughing into his fist, Sly began his speech.

"Ken," Sly said clearly and intently. "I am truly sorry for what happened back at the hospital 6 months ago. I know I almost killed you, and I've been thinking about it every day and every night. I haven't been able to sleep. The torment of my actions has kept me up at night. I have come to the conclusion that I'm worthless. You think you're mad at me, I can't even believe in me. Look, but what I wanted to say is-"

Suddenly, Ken closed his eyes and held one paw up, causing Sly to come to an abrupt halt. Interrupting him Ken said some off the darkest and angriest things that had ever fallen onto ones ears. With a clear, intentional, and jarringly calm voice, Ken said, "I wish you were never born."

Those words by themselves cause Sly's world to crack and to fall apart. But Ken wasn't about to stop there; oh no. He showed no mercy, and with each passing comment, his voice got louder, and angrier.

"I wish you were still in between your father's legs." Ken Continued. "I wish you were aborted. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN FETAL RESEARCH!" Then, Grabbing the door tightly Ken screeched at the top of his lungs for the whole neighborhood to hear, "YOU'RE DEAD TO ME COOPER! YOU HEAR ME! DEAD!"

And with that, he slammed the door shut on the flabbergasted Raccoon.

_*checks own pulse and realizes he has none. Grabs a defibrillator and holds it above own chest, waiting for it to charge* Clear?_

* * *

**Chapter 12: Sly is dead. **

Sly's personality at the moment was that of a mixture between a hyperactive woodpecker, and a squirrel. He was knocking on the door franticly. His actions were familiar to that of a teenage boy after his first love. The love for Carmelita was overwhelming. But sadly, the door still remained closed. Sly wasn't getting in anytime soon.

"Ken! Ken!" Sly shouted at the top of his lungs and he repeatedly banged the door with an open palm. After shouting his name, he tried another tactic. "Dad?" he attempted. Sensing no danger, he continued forth with calling Ken "DAD!" with the passion of a thousand suns powering his voice.

Suddenly, Sly heard a rustle to his left. He glanced over and noticed the window opening. Sly's full attention was captured when he noticed that Jake was on the other side. Regrettably, he walked over to speak to Jake, and Jake began to participate in his favorite life time activity, torment.

"Jake?" Sly asked curiously.

Cupping his ears, Jake ignored Sly's voice and instead replied. "Wait….is that….I hear a voice."

Sly's brows furrowed in anger as he face scrunched up in hatred. "Jake, come on man. Let me in."

"Could that be my deceased brother-in-law?" Jake proclaimed sarcastically. "I seem to feel a presence."

"Jake," Sly grumbled with eyes intensely burning with anger. "Open the damn door." When he spoke, his tone was darker than a New York alley way.

Closing his eyes for dramatic effect, Jake began to proclaim with a voice that would impress Norse Gods, "Oh Sly from the other side! If thou art's presence is with us, please show thee a sign." Jake's Shakespearian acting lessons from the pass seemed to have had some effect.

Sly leaned his hand against the side of the window pane. Then he leaned in and was only a quarter's inch away from Jake's rabbit face. "Would a punch to the face be considered a sign?" Sly stated with a dangerously intent manner.

Suddenly, Jake's expression was a nervous smile. He pulled the window up, trying to close it, and with very steady sarcasm, Jake implicated, "uh-oh. You seemed to be fading away." Once the window was completely shut, and Jake assumed he was safe behind the glass, he began to laugh and point; shouting, "Say hi to Hendrix for me, douche bag."

Then suddenly, Sly did something that struck Jake a little peculiar. He began to laugh with him. As strange as it was, Jake felt no fear. What harm could Sly possibly do if he was on the outside? Then, Sly reached into his pocket and pulled out something that struck fear into Jake's erratically beating Rabbit heart. He jingled the object in front of Jake's mystified and frightened face behind the glass, before rushing to the door. When Sly was at Ken's house yesterday, he stole the set of spare keys under the door mat which ironically stated in Calibri font writing, 'Come on in.' Sly vowed that he wouldn't use the keys unless it was of dire importance. This was a moment of dire importance.

* * *

_Cain slew Able._

…_Oh happy, happy Cain._

* * *

Jake acted like a child as he giddily stood behind the front door, holding it close so Sly couldn't enter. It was the sense of juvenile behavior that seized Jake and held him for the moment as he kept the door shut. He loved screwing around. He was a junkie for crying out loud! It was like something he born to do; to constantly get in trouble and to like it. His class clown attitude got him through his entire high school. (Unfortunately, it wasn't enough for him to go to college).

Suddenly, chills went up his spine of he felt the hand of an unknown presence, covered by a velvet blue glove, grab his shoulder. Then, the voice hit the eardrums, and Jake was stricken with fear.

"Did you forget that you have a back door?" Sly asked sardonically.

"Aw damn. Think!" Jake scolded himself as he smacked himself on the forehead.

Sly took part in the berating and smacked Jake upside the head; much to his astonishment and anger.

As Jake turned around and eyed Sly angrily, the Raccoon began to pace around the inside of Ken's house. He was currently standing in the middle of the living room. It wasn't much, but it wasn't like Ken was poor either. The floor, minus the kitchen and the bathroom, was covered in orange and brown shag carpeting. The walls were covered in a bland, kaki tan wall paper. There was of course, a T.V., along with a couch and two green recliners. But what really struck Sly as odd, was the large Cuckoo clock on the left side of the wall. Its presence was almost staggering, because it seemed as if it didn't belong. Why the hell was this Cuckoo clock purple?

"Where's Ken?" Sly asked aloud as he strode around the room, before shouting "KEN!"

Suddenly, the sound of a toilet flushing filled the room; followed by the slam of a wooden door and soft furry footsteps. Ken emerged from the bathroom behind Sly. As he walked towards the ringtail, disappointment (yet not anger), was painted across his face. He held out his hand as he moved, and once he stood in front of Cooper, and sighed in frustration, "Give me the keys."

Sly willing obliged, and reached into his pocket. When the keys were let loose from his pants, he dropped the keys into Ken's open paw.

Then, Ken's mood drastically switched to death threatening anger. The transition was so quick it happened in the blink of an eye as the keys fell from Sly's hand. He grabbed the keys tightly, and his wide fox eyes were round and wide with anger. He screamed at the top of his lungs, "NOW, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Sly was dumbfounded as Ken passed him by and sat down on of the recliners. There was a table before him with a glass of water, which sly thought about knocking over to gain his father-in-law's attention. He stuttered for a bit in amazement. Then, he proceeded to whine in a manner that would have impressed an infant.

"Come on!" Sly exclaimed. "I cleaned your gutters. I've came here every day. I've detailed your car. I'm making payment on your bar tab." Then Sly pointed into the kitchen, at the purple tigress that was cleaning plates, and preparing dinner. Without a doubt, though much to everyone's frustration, the Tigress was none other than former villain to the gang, Neyla. "I even hired you a personal nurse!"

"Ah," Jake exclaimed like a philosopher. "A personal Nurse which Ken wouldn't have needed had you not tried to kill him."

With a beaming smile of sarcastic manner and epic proportions, Ken exclaimed while pointing at Jake, "Good point there my _favorite son!" _

Jake smiled smugly, and crossed his arms. After a good two minutes of basking in the glory of self-righteousness, he left the room and entered the kitchen. As he walked along the way, he patted Ken on the collar bone and whispered, "Thank you favorite father."

Sly was becoming frustrated. It seemed as if nothing he did proved itself any worth. It was becoming infuriating. "Ken, come on! It was just a joke!" Sly exclaimed.

"HA HA!" Ken sarcastically laughed. "JESUS WAS LAUGHING AS I WAS HEADING TOWARDS THE LIGHT!"

That one comment set Sly off. After a good days worth of torment, backlashes, and hurtful comments, Sly had a bottle of fury that he wanted to uncorked and bust over someone's head. Giving Sly an open shot, the Raccoon took it and yelled back with equal force, "HE WAS LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET INTO HEAVEN!"

* * *

_Me and Carmelita have both agreed that we hate fighting Ken. Why?_

_He's the father and we love him._

_HE ALWAYS WINS._

_That being said, these winning moments have taught us lessons. And with those lessons came some very intriguing and rather hilarious conversation pieces and life stories. Carmelita, when she was young, was a regular rough Houser and school fighter. I've told this story a thousand times to my friends, and it just keeps getting funnier. When Carm was 11, she had gotten into trouble after she got into a fight with one of her fellow classmates during lunch. The superintendent brought her home and it went something like this._

_Superintendent: Carmelita has been suspended for three days. She was caught in the cafeteria punching a girl Dotson repeatedly in the stomach._

_Ken: *leans down and looks Carm right in the eyes.* Punching a girl in the stomach? What have I always taught you? *pause* GO FOR THE EYES!_

_Carm: *disappointed in herself,* yeah, I know._

_Superintendent: *awestruck*_

* * *

"GET OUT!" Ken shouted.

"MAKE ME!" Sly retorted.

Ken then got off the recliner he was sitting in, and got into the infamous and so recognizable eagle claw position. Lifting one hand up, he curled his two of his fingers like snake fangs and held the particular hand up by gripping it tightly with his other. He leaned back in forth in anticipation for his opponents move.

Noting this, Sly took the eagle claw position as well, and commented, "Carmelita showed me this one time. She said that you have taught her some moves. Well ken, THE STUDENT HAS NOW BECOME THE MASTER!"

Sly's bantering was short lived, when out of nowhere, a purple claw gripped his hand like a vice, and began twisting. Sly's arm was on fire, and every molecule in his hand was screaming in pain. Sly, still conscious, collapsed to the ground like a ton of bricks. Looking up, he noticed the owner of the purple claw, was non other than the demented and vicious personal nurse Neyla; who seemed to have a rather dangerous, sardonic, and yet peculiar look on her face, almost protective.

"What are you doing to my heart patient?" Neyla asked at her victim who was wincing in pain and lying on the ground.

Stuttering due to the twinge in his hand joints, Sly replied, "w-w-w-well he st-st-st-t-started it."

"Yeah, and I'm finishing it." Neyla smugly replied. Then, she began applying more pressure, which caused the ringtail to lean his head back and groan in incredible agony. With a malicious voice, Neyla told Sly with much intensity, "I will let go of you," the she moved the arm back, causing a loud, but non-lethal popping sound to be emitted from Sly's shoulders, "If you leave my heart patient alone."

Stammering due to fear, Sly said, "D-deal."

She let go of Sly, who fell the floor and clutched his furry paw, which was throbbing in a ludicrous amount of pain. Neyla took some time to spitefully stare at Sly with a self-righteous grin, before turning to Ken. All of her evil attention which was once focused on the raccoon now was placed solely on Ken. Neyla stared him down while placing her hands to her hips.

"And you are not to speak to him anymore," she viciously commanded as she pulled out a thermometer and poked his chest with it.

"Hey, I could've taken him," Ken acknowledged.

Then, without warning, Neyla asked Ken, "Are you talking?" Then, when Ken opened his mouth to reply, the thermometer was shoved into his mouth quickly. Ken now stared at her dumbfounded with a stick hanging loosely on his lips, while Neyla did her best to take record of his temperature. Then, she sat him down, and began to say something which caught Sly's attention very, very swiftly. "Because, I'm perfectly fine with letting you die. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Attempted Murder, thank you. I would even plead it down to man slaughter. You don't even know the law lady!" Sly defended himself as he rouse of the floor.

"I don't know the law?" Neyla proclaimed flabbergasted. "Sly, in case you have forgotten, when I was an evil villain, I infiltrated France Interpol POLICE FORCE, and got a job as a COP! So, I'm pretty sure I know the law. And even if I didn't know it that well, I can say that it's pretty much common knowledge that it's against the law to kill your father-in-law."

"I wasn't trying to kill him!" Sly screamed; offended by Neyla's witty attitude and demeanor. "All that me and the gang did, was told the doctors that he needed a test. They shaved his balls, shoved a tube up his 'little buddy', and it was funny! It's his fault for getting all cranky and trying to croak on the spot!"

"What make you think that your comments didn't cause his heart attack?" Neyla asked with a cocked brow.

"My comments did jack shit!" Sly proclaimed. "It's his fault for getting into that position. He's been smoking and drinking for 30 years of his life. My wife, Carmelita, when she was little, had a Gold fish that died of _second hand smoke!" _

"30 years," Neyla asked with a smug attitude. "Isn't that how old Carmelita is?"

Sly felt heat rising to his face. Anger boiled in his systems. His fist shook with rage. His heart pumped blood violently. He was about to go into psychotic kill frenzy. How dare that bitch blame Carmelita. He needed something to break, or someone to punch before his anger was unleashed and all hell consumed the earth. But who.

"Good one Neyla," Jake commented stiking his head out the side of the hallway which lead to the bathroom.

Sly locked eyes with Jake.

Target acquired.

Sly sped off.

* * *

_The damage that Carmelita and I have caused Ken; can no longer be described in normal sentences. Instead, they can only be described and expressed in haiku form. _

_Ken's liver and heart._

_Grey and dying from the smoke_

_He consumes daily_

_Bowls bloated, a big fat belly_

_Ken is almost dead_

_Cigarettes are his demise_

_Smoking to rid pain_

_Why would he do such a thing?_

_I am Sly Cooper_

_From which all pain has arisen_

* * *

After Sly chased down Jake for what seemed to be an eternity of running, Jake finally managed to lock himself in his own room. Knowing that the door was securely fasten and was impenetrable, Sly decided to give up on the matter for now. He walked back into the main living room, and was breathing somewhat heavily. (he really needed to get back to the robbery game, or at least try to work out some more. years of inactivity were taking a toll of the Raccoon's body).

Neyla stood behind Ken, and was giving him medication, before she looked up and noticed Sly walking in. After handing the fox his pill, Neyla began to address Cooper. "Stay if you want, but he's not talking." Neyla told Sly about Ken. Afterwards, she began to walk away and towards the kitchen.

"Fine!" Sly belted out of anger to Neyla who had her back turned.

"QUIET!" Neyla screamed ferociously without even turning to look behind her.

Sly was caught by surprise. He was not expecting a scream of such superior volume. After being shaken up a bit, he finally was able to calm his nerves, and then, in replied, he whispered back to her with an equal amount of strength, "fine," he whined like a child.

He looked back down at Ken, with an increasing amount of irritation beginning to throb in his skul Sly was completely annoyed by Ken's attitude towards him. How could Ken just sit there and pretend like it was no big deal? How could he not be able to pay any attention to the matter at hand? What was wrong with him? Sly felt abandon. No, it was more than abandonment; Ken was shunning him from his existence. It made Sly feel disgusted.

"Fine," Sly retorted spitefully. His tone was very sardonic and filled with complaints. As Sly spoke he walked towards the couch that sat adjacent to Ken's recliner. "I'm dead to you, who cares?" Sly continued to speak mockingly. "You know, saying I'm dead makes me even more of a better husband to your daughter. _She's _been dead her _whole life because of you. _She told me that she had dreams, of being dead to you so she could walk into the real world without all the emotional baggage that you brought into her life, _you evil old man!" _And with that, Sly flopped onto the couch without any resentment.

Ken still had a scowl on his face as he stared off into another plane of existence.

"AWW COME ON," Sly whined sadly with puppy dog eyes. His transition from boiling rage to pleading was astounding. But not astounding enough, so it seems, as Ken still stared off an away.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Sly's ears perked at the sound and he turned towards the door. When the somewhat speedy and giddy knocks returned once more, Sly lifted himself from the couch and made his way over to the door. He opened it, and afterwards, dropped his head in disappointment. If there was once person in the universe that he didn't want to talk to right now, it was Bentley the turtle.

He stood on the doorstep with a wicker picnic basket in his hand. He had on one fo the widest, and most brightest smiles painted on his face that was ever known in the universe. When Bentley discovered that Sly answered the door, and not Ken to which the turtle was expecting, his smile dropped; and the expression was replaced by what could only be described as the open jaw of excitement and awe. Then, after letting the turn of events reel in his brain, Bentley began to assume and speak aloud his assumptions. Unfortunately, Bentley is just a turtle. And like all other turtles, he's allowed to assume wrongly.

"Oh my God, Sly!" Bentley exclaimed excitedly. "You're inside the house. You got back in his good graces!" Bentley reached forward and gripped the Raccoon in a powerful bear hug. After patting Ringtail on the back, Bentley made his way over to the living room, and began to proclaim happily the situation he was witnessing. "See? Everyone is here! Everyone is happy….." That's when Bentley began to notice the awkward silence sucking up all the emotion in the room like a black hole. And there he was, assuming wrongly and grinning like a mad fool. "…..no one's talking but me."

After dropping the grin, Bentley leaned forward towards Sly and asked politely, "What's wrong?"

"Seems the problem here is I was born." Sly said aloud, staring down Ken like a gun-slinging cowboy.

"Amen," Ken confirmed, not looking once at Sly.

"SHUT UP!" Sly retorted as he walked towards the couch and sat down.

"GET OUT!" Ken retorted, finally looking at Sly. Raising his left arm, he was preparing to go into eagle claw fighting stance.

"Calm down you two," Bentley stated commanded with a soothing voice. He held out both of his hands in a stopping symbol, as if he were a lion tamer who had just lost his whip. Once the dust was starting to settle, Bentley began to whisper to Sly. "Don't worry Sly," Bentley stated quietly. "I can help you out. I've brought some food." Then, Bentley made his way over to Ken.

"Mr. Fox sir," Bentley stated politely. Then beaming with a smile, he said, "I've brought your meal on wheels." Then, he lifted the basket while he talked as if the basket was talking. "The meal that heals." Bentley then laughed at his own pun.

Ken's brows furrowed. "What did you get me Fruit." Ken stated.

"Nope, too much sugar." Bentley replied as he reached into the basket, thinking Ken asked a question.

"No, I'm calling you a fruit, fruit." Ken told Bentley.

* * *

_Screwed up people, like Ken, settle fights with violence. That said violence can escalate into a war which ends up killing thousands upon millions of people._

_Normal people settle fights with…..cookies cakes and pie._

_Normal people are FAT._

* * *

Pulling it out of the basket, Bentley revealed very slowly, and gracefully, the secret weapon. Ken, being a fox, immediately picked up the scent. His nose started twitching, his mouth started watering, and he himself began to paint, when the powerful aroma of fried batter entered his brain.

"Fried chicken," Bentley exclaimed with a grin as he presented the platter to Ken.

Ken began to express a dirty grin. He chuckled such a daunting low chuckle that any sane person would be given the chills. His mouth opened as he began to lean towards the chicken.

And Then Bentley pulled the plate away. Holding out a finger he said, "Ahh, but before you can eat this. You must first forgive Sly."

"WOOF!" Ken was able to reach his inner fox, and barked just like one, scaring the pants off of Bentley. It was so abrupt and so real, that it was a miracle that Bentley didn't soil himself.

"Here you go," Bentley immediately obliged and handed him the food. '

Ken then took that first carnivorous bite out of his chicken. It was almost cannibalistic; the manner in which he ate his food. It was as if he was a recent survivor of a plane crash on an un-inhabited island, and he had now returned home to have his first meal in a long, long time. He hummed in his mouth, savoring the flavor of the forbidden.

And just when he was about to swallow, Neyla walked into the room. She was carrying a small portable table that contained his healthy meal. When she saw that Ken had chicken in his hands, , and in no less than a millisecond, was she able to put solve the mystery of the chicken, and she flipped.

"Nope! Nope!" Neyla walked around Ken and held out her hand in front of him. She had the stance and the presence of a drill sergeant. With a commanding voice, she proclaimed. "Spit it out. Now!"

And he did, much to everyone's disgust. The chunky, yet moist, liquefied chicken landed right in the purple tigress's paw, and made a wet plopping sound. It was too much for anyone in the room to handle. Sly and Bentley almost tossed their cookies right there. But Neyla; Neyla remained strangely cool, and kept that calm demeanor. She didn't even twitch when she grasped it. It was as if she were a sociopath.

Then she turned around….

And placed the half eaten chicken mush right in Sly's hand.

Sly tense up, gagged, and immediately placed the chicken in Bentley's hand.

Bentley sprinted off like a bullet from a gun, and ran to the sink to toss the chicken, and his lunch; dry heaving all the way. Sly ran to a couch, and sat down. He wiped the substance on the fabric, which was almost carpet like. He then looked towards Ken and watched as Neyla ordered the Fox around as if he were her lap dog. It was an amazing sight that brought Sly such great joy.

She brought out the table and sat it in front of it. On the plate was asparagus, and a bowl of dried prunes. By far, it had to have been one of the nastiest and most shameful dinners anyone could partake in devouring. But, Ken had to eat it for his health. He didn't want to, as his facial and body language clearly showed.

"You're eating this," Neyla ordered. She stood to the side and eyed him down with her hands on her hips.

"Aww come on!" Ken griped without any reserve. It would have impressed a three year old. "I have to have something with some FLAVOR!"

"okay, I'll just smear garlic butter on the roof of your coffin." Neyla sarcastically bantered back. Then, trying to cover up the wound, like a band-aid, she added. "Don't worry; I added marshmallows in the jello."

Suddenly, a loud crash emitted itself into the room. The sound bounced off the walls and made its presence known. Everyone turn their heads towards the sound. Down the hallway towards the bathroom, the door to Jake's room was swung wide open in a hurry. Standing there in the doorway was none other than Jake. And he was as high as a kite! His red, beady eyes were now ten times as red. And if that wasn't a clue, the smoke cloud puffing around his feet like mystic mist should have been a hell of a turn on.

Jake had a horrible case of the munchies. Screaming, "JELLO?" Jake proceeded to run across the room, and leap like a fucking gazelle. "Hell yeah," he proclaimed once he entered the kitchen. In a flash, Jake had the bowl in his arms, and ran back into his cave of marijuana and other substances to devour his quote unquote "meal."

Shaking off the strange and cerebral event that they had just witness, Neyla went back to nitpicking Ken's eating habits.

"Eat your prunes!" Neyla commanded; pointing at the small bowl filled with the un-edible treats. Ken looked down, and then looked back at her like a street-beggar.

"Please?" Ken actually begged. Not that made Sly's ears picked up. Ken never begged, EVER! It was by far the most astounding sight that Raccoon ever seen. It was amazing. It was like a dream. The fox most have really been passionate about his food. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in Sly's head. A plan began to form, and it was a sure fire one. There was no way it could not work. Sly began to smile smugly, as he patiently waited for his chance to speak.

"Eat your damn prunes," Neyla, the professional nurse, stated unprofessionally. "It will loosen your stool." And with that, she stood up, proud and tall, and walked away towards another hallway to rest.

Ken sat alone in his chair, picking up the small fruit and studying it as if it were an alien life form. His face began to scowl in disgust. Then, Sly stood up from his chair, and slowly made his way over to ken with the most mischievous grin Ken had ever seen. Sly lightly patted his shoulder, and Ken had to resist the urge of punching the arrogant charisma right out of him.

"Well, ain't this a bitch." Sly sarcastically shook his head. "This is hell huh? Well, you know I can you out of this. I _hired _her. I can most certainly fire her as well. And Ken, I can do that right now. All you have to do is say, "Sly, you're forgiven. Please take my daughter," and you'll be swimming in beer battered fried…beer with a cheese chaser back."

Ken's brown cocked itself. He was defiantly intrigued. He had been a while sense he last had chicken. It was a promise, as he knew well. And even though he disliked Sly very much, he'd be lying if he said Cooper wasn't an honest man. The decision came down to what mattered most; integrity, or chicken?

Ken ate the prune.

Sly's jaw dropped. His world shattered into a thousand pieces. He crawled over to the couch, and sat down on it heavily. A gruesome head ache was beginning to form. Sly was now left with only one option, and it was an option that most men cringed at when they heard the words. Sly, now had to, needed to….express his feelings.

"Ken," Sly began with his voice quiet and shaking. "Why is it, that when Carmelita and I are alone, we are adults; but when we get near you, we become only children? Ken. I'm sorry. I don't know how I can express that enough. I just want my baby back; that's all. I want to see my child. Please Ken."

Silence enveloped the room.

Then Neyla entered the room. She held her face down and twiddled her thumbs. The expression on her face could only be described as amazed.

"That was….quite a speech." Neyla stated astound. "Damn….and me with my academy award in my other uniform." And with that, both her and ken burst out laughing. It was a ranchos, screeching, laughter that only insane people could be able to imitate or recreate. They were laughing _at _Sly, and feeling so angered and ashamed; Sly had nothing else to do, but to leave with his tail between his legs.

As he opened the door and walked out, Sly heard Ken proclaim while laughing, "You're still dead to me."

* * *

_*looking at his own dead body, in his own coffin.*_

_I wonder why none of his friends ever told him he had such an odd shaped head. _

* * *

Sly sat down on a small bench that was placed to the side of the cobble stone walk way. He wasn't leaving until he was forced to leave, but it would be a while before Sly could re-enter the vicinity of Ken's home. Those last few comments were a crucial blow, and Sly decided that it would be a good idea to wait for a little bit, and gather his resources. He ran his hands through his hair, and he sighed in disappointment.

As he tried to calm his erratic nerves, something made his heart almost stop. A knock came from the window behind him causing him to jump just a little bit. When he turned around, his heart stopped again. Behind the window, was none other than the love of his life; Carmelita Montoya Fox.

Immediately, Sly flew open the window. His wife was dressed in pajamas and he could make out her very round belly. She was very close to giving birth. The only thing her couldn't see was her hair, since it was covered by the top of the window pane. But that didn't matter. He gripped his wife in a powerful hug. Their lips met with much intensity. This was the first time in six months that he was finally able to talk to her. He wanted to say so much, but there was no way he could put his love into words.

"Oh, Sly," She whimpered under his touch. She kissed once more before pulling back and stroking his cheek and she gazed into his eyes.

"How bad do you think it was this time?" Sly asked, fully knowing that she heard him and Ken argue before during the span of these six months.

"Well at least I didn't hear gun shots this time," Carmelita lightly commented.

"Yeah, But Ken says I'm dead to him." Sly replied.

She got a glimmer in her eyes as if she were about to cry. She reached forward and pecked his lips with her own. With a small, fragile voice she stated, "Didn't I tell you things would get worse before they got better?"

"Yes," Sly replied sadly. He already knew where this conversation was heading.

"So who can fix this," Carmelita asked him, though it wasn't really a question. She fully knew who can fix this, as she gestured her hand towards herself.

"You can," Sly grumbled in a monotone. During the course of these six months, Carmelita kept calling him, constantly pleading with him to have her fix it. But for some strange reason, Sly felt guilty for Ken's condition and felt it was his place to get the situation under control. Call it macho male bullshit, but Sly didn't want to have Carmelita fix something she didn't break. It was stupid to refuse her assistance. Everyone, at some point and time, needs help. And today, Sly needed it.

"So, will you let me help you?" Carmelita asked.

Like a child, he leaned his head into her shoulder, closed her eyes, and mumbled out in a plea, "Yes dear, please."

She chuckled light heartedly at his child like attitude. Her eyes were welling up in tears. It felt so good to finally have him back in her arms. Then she patted him on the back. "Come on in dear, let's finish this, together." She said.

Sly crawled through the open window into her abode. He smiled as he did this, happy to have her back. Then he saw something that made his jaw drop. When he entered the room, he was finally able to fully view her new hairstyle; which was barley anything. She had most of her length cut off, and it was now in the form of a bob cut. Sly, not thinking clearly, thought that there was no way Carmelita could do that to herself, and he gasped aloud.

"What's wrong?" Carmelita asked curiously, unsure of where his gasp came from.

"What did he do to your hair," Sly exclaimed amazed and forlorn. "That Bastard Ken. He ruined it."

Suddenly, Carmelita brows furrowed. Her arms crossed of her nine month pregnant belly, and she gave him a powerful stare that could have shot bullets. "_I _did this to my hair." She exclaimed angry.

Sly's eyes widen, and his heart stopped in fear. "Oh," he said surprised and frighten. Then, trying to ease the pain, he lifted up both of his paws and gave her two thumbs up. With the cheesiest smile ever, he proclaimed, "It looks great."

Carm rolled her eyes in disappointment. She cupped his cheek and sweetly kissed him. "Come on lover," she whispered quietly into his ear. "Let's finish this."

Ken was completely shocked by Sly's appearance out of nowhere. It seemed like he just materialized out of thin air; with his arms crossed and daring stare. Ken was silently eating his food, not enjoying it at all, but was somewhat happy that Neyla was around him, and they had finally found a way to just speak to one another without causing an argument. In fact, at this moment in time, they were laughing light heartedly with each other. It was great.

Then Sly had to appear out of nowhere and ruin the moment.

"How the hell did you get in here?" Ken proclaimed with his eyes wide and his anger at almost rage mode.

Appearing from his right and coming into view, was the answer, which was none other than Ken's daughter, Carmelita.

At first, he was resistant against Carmelita's tactic. It was a simple one, yet it always seemed to work every time. She would give her victim the infamous, powerful, efficient death stare, and would do it until they began to plea. Then she'd make her demands and usually her victim was so relieved that she stopped the death stare to speak, that they would do anything. Ken, however, was wiser. He had seen this been done before, and it had never effected him. Repelling the guilt that began to grow inside him, Ken brushed off the shame by saying aloud. "That doesn't work well on me missy."

She walked into the room in powerful strides. Her arms were crossed and her eyes burned like the fiery of hell. Before she could continue using her tactic, Neyla interrupted her.

"Hey Carm, no visitors." She stated with a powerful monotone.

"Whore," she replied back with equal unwound monotone.

"Violet." Neyla commented on Carm's hair.

"Natural," Carm replied.

With an undignified 'humph,' Neyla turned her head away and carried the dirty plate and tray into the kitchen. Relieved that Neyla was out of her hair, Carmelita went back to giving the death stare to her father. This time, however, it was more intense. There was more anger, more power, and more concentration. Any sane man would have been driven to the depths of insanity by just a small three second glance of her demented eyes. For Ken it took a while longer.

It took six seconds.

Breaking down, Ken yelled in a complaining tone, "BUT HE TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"Whatever you have to do to forgive him, do it, NOW!" Carmelita proclaimed with the passion of a thousand suns.

Griping, moaning, and sighing in disappointment, Ken resentfully lifted his hand, and motioned Sly to come forward. And if the hand motions wasn't enough, Ken's tired and dissatisfied, frustrated sigh followed by him saying, "Sly come here," should have been enough.

Sly, almost like a puppy dog, slowly and skipping made his way forward with giddy and anticipating steps. Once he was right by his father-in-law's side, he crouched down so he was eye level. With lonely yet excited eyes, Sly asked diminutively, "Yes Ken."

Ken sighed and looked at Sly. He studied him for a long time to see what exactly the ringtail could do to be forgiven. So Ken lifted his fist, and punched Sly right in the face.

As Cooper squirmed on the ground and Carmelita made her way over to her husband with a shocked and horrified expression, Ken smiled and proclaimed. "Now you're forgiven Sly."

* * *

_*rising out of his grave, clutching his newly formed black eye.* I'M ALIVE!_

* * *

Neyla pressed the ice towards his eyes, as Sly moaned in discomfort. While it felt great to be alive, it sucked to be in pain. Yes, he had multiple black eyes in the past, but they still stung. And what dragged the pain out and made it piercing sharp, was the fact that Neyla was pressing the cold ice towards his sore. He tried his best not to squirm, but his body was failing him involuntarily.

Getting frustrated with Sly's fidgeting, Neyla proclaimed in the vicinity of the kitchen, "Damnit Sly, hold still. Quit being a wussy."

That comment caught Sly's attention. Quirking his brow, he said, "Wussy? You've been hanging around Ken too long."

"No," Neyla corrected him as she placed the ice cube away and began scouting the table for ointment. "You've been around him too long. Carm's been around him too long. You two agitate him." Once she found the cream, she began to place a small dose of it on Sly's wound under his eye. "Carmelita's pissed him off all his life. When she was five, she ruined his Gran Torino. When she was 13, she burned down his boat. When she was 9, she blew up the garage."

"She was eleven, and was giving a Viking funeral to G.I jane." Sly corrected her. Then suddenly, he was confused. He became curious, and with a squinting eye, he asked her, "But wait, how do you know all that."

And that's when she said the words that blew up Sly's entire universal concept of humanity and good in mankind.

"Ken's rather talkative after sex." Neyla explained. Then, she grew a mischievous grin. As if to say, 'yep I said it.'

Sly's brain began to melt like Swiss cheese. He didn't know how to fully comprehend the information he just received. Then, he immediately began to gag, and fell backwards on his chair.

* * *

_OH GOD! GOUGH MY EYES OUT! KILL ME NOW! EWWWWWWW!_

* * *

Sly shivered uncontrollably. His body was violently convulsing in repulsion towards the news he had just received. It was disgusting, sickening, and it made him want to vomit. It was by far, the most horrific thing he'd ever heard. In fact, it was so horrifying; he had a hard time recalling what she just said.

"T-t-talkitive" Sly stuttered as he quaked in nausea. "You and Ken…Ken is very talkative…..a-a-fter –s-sex."

With a smug smile, because she fully knew that this was torture to Sly, and she loved torture, she proclaimed, "Sometimes during."

"Oh God," Sly groaned as his stomach began to do flips. His knees buckled and he felt as if he were going to collapse.

At that Moment, the sound of heels coming towards them caused Sly to look up for a little bit. He then noticed his beautiful wife coming into view, with a strange bottle of what appeared to be medicine in her paw. She had a bright, helpful, and kind smile on her face. But when she noticed Sly trembling in sickness, the smile dropped as was replaced by the expression of wonder; wondering what the hell was wrong with him.

"Here's some rubbing alcohol," Carmelita said kindly.

"Ahh! Pour it in my eyes." Sly proclaimed loudly as he gripped the bottle, almost going all the way through with his plan.

"What's wrong?" Carmelita asked as she stroked the back of her husband's neck to comfort him.

With the most appalled look on his face, Sly pointed towards Neyla, and said with much dismay and shock, "Neyla and Ken are having sex."

That's when Carmelita belted out a scream for the ages. It was a scream that would have astonish Hollywood executive, and would have made her the next scream queen. It was the type of scream only suited for horror movies. It could have destroyed windows, even buildings. She stared at Neyla wide eye in disbelief.

Bentley ran into the kitchen. The worriment on his face was painted brightly and was clearly visible. "I heard a scream," he explained. "What's wrong?"

With wide eyes of terror, and through dry heaving, she exclaimed, "Neyla and my father are having sex."

Bentley then began to scream/breath. With every inhale, he hyperventilated. With every exhale, he released a alarmed and terrified scream as his brain was ready to explode. Bentley couldn't breathe. The mental images in his head were almost enough to make the turtle want to kill himself. It was sickening.

Just then, another presence presented itself in all its smug, smiling, and junkie glory as he walked into the room with a suave attitude. Jake held a giant glass bowl of green Jell-o in one hand, and in the other was a wooden spoon. Completely unaware of the horrified expressions on everyone's face, Jake smiled, hummed in delight, and exclaimed as he pointed to the bowl, "Now that's Jell-o with a capital O. O for 'oh my god, this Jell-O is awesome!'" And with that, he ate another large spoonful.

Carmelita dreaded doing this to her own brother, but she had to bring him into the mix. Clutching her brother's shoulders, and preparing for the worst, she told him, "Jake, Neyla and our father have been having sex."

Jake then blew everyone's mind, by shrugging his shoulders, smiling just a bit, and proclaiming with a sarcastic attitude. "Well duh, that explains the sounds of the nurse and dad having sex."

Carmelita was completely flabbergasted. "What sounds? I haven't heard anything."

With a shy smile, Jake said quietly, "Well, you know that random thumping sound that you hear in the middle of the night….."

"YOU TOLD ME THAT WAS THE WATER PIPES!" Carmelita exclaimed almost choking her own sibling. Her fury was now and a very dangerous level, which Cooper had only witness a few times very long ago when they were still cops and robbers. She then focused all of her fury on Neyla. Smacking the tigress on the shoulder, she exclaimed and pointed out. "You're supposed to _nurse _people back to health."

"Then I'd say I've done a hell of a job." Neyla proclaimed smugly as she stretched her head back and began to relax.

Almost crying, Sly stated, "Ewww. Nurses aren't suppose to make people sick."

And that's when Neyla said something, in the heat of all this repulsive nature and sickening atmosphere, that caused the tension of the room to change dramatically, and almost cause all out chaos. Looking Sly dead in the eyes, she exclaimed crossly, "You're just jealous because I have it all and you live with 'that'."

Carmelita's and Sly's eyes widen. They brought their head back in disbelief of what Neyla just said. At first, they thought about trying to settle this matter in a civilized way, but that idea flew out the window in no less than three milliseconds. Out of nowhere, this blinding rage that only teenagers could produce came to an explosion. And that's when Sly and Carmelita started to back talk in a way that would have impressed millions of children across the universe.

"That!" Sly pointed to his wife, completely staggered that Neyla would talk about Carmelita as if she were a thing.

"This!" Carmelita exclaimed with a cocky attitude as she pointed to herself.

"This is not that!" Sly proclaimed with a cocky smile as he proceeded to fail miserably in his comeback as he stared Neyla dead in the eyes. "You that, not this. You wish you were that-I mean this! Damn it!"

"Okay, Okay," Bentley proclaimed as he held out his hands, trying to kill any more confrontation. "Stop it you two. Okay. Now, we're all a little emotional, because of the shocking news and maybe a little….." Bentley gulped as he tried not to vomit, "Horrified."

"What's wrong with me and Ken having a relationship?" Neyla asked the game; literally thinking it was no big deal.

"Because for two reason. A.) you're just about as young as Carm and that makes Ken an almost flat out pedophile. And B.) Nurses are supposed to be sterile and clean. Sleeping with Ken is dirty!"

Neyla looked up into the heavens, as if she had enough of this insubordination from the gang. Looking back done, with a smile of pure honesty, she proclaimed happily, "it's not just sex. I love him."

Silence. Dead silence. The type of silence that only was conceived in caves and in outer space. They all looked at Neyla mystified.

And then all of them, at the same time, burst out into hysterical rambunctious laughter.

"Wait, wait, wait," Jake said between breathes. The hilarity was too much. It felt like his appendix was going to explode. "Say that again." He asked politely.

"I love him," Neyla replied happily.

Again, the laughter continued, this time even louder. Bentley was now at the point of rolling on the floor. Sly felt like he was going crazy. It was by far, the funniest thing Sly ever heard in his life. He couldn't breathe. Carmelita was at the point of almost pissing herself.

Neyla shook her head in disappointment. "Go on, laugh." She said with a smile. "People laugh at what they don't understand."

"No, no, no" Sly corrected her throughout his laughter. "We get it, and it's hysterical." With that said, Sly got up off his chair, and began to move away from the kitchen and started to walk towards the living room. "You see, every woman that falls in love with Ken, end up trying to kill him."

Suddenly, every with the exception of Sly stopped laughing.

"Wait, that's not funny." Carmelita exclaimed forlorn as she realized everything Sly said was true. "How's that funny?"

That's when Sly stopped laughing too. His face was now painted with hysteria. He told them seriously, "Hilarity, fear; it's a very fine line!" and with that him, Jake, and Bentley ran out of the room.

* * *

_A Black widow, loves her mate, and then kills him. _

_A Praying mantis, loves her mate, and then eats him._

_Women love Ken…but he's too big to eat. _

_Ken was one of those people that would date, or marry a woman based on the circumstances he was in. For example, When Ken had a little tax problem, he dated an IRS agent. When she finally got pissed off, she gave his house a note of seizure. Ken's reply; "So? You still look fat in those pants!"_

_Here's another good example. One time, the parking tickets for Ken got out of hand. So he ended up dating Officer Linley. One day, when she was coming home to meet him, she saw him cheating on her with a cheetah girl, who apparently was a stewardess. The next day, she confronted him outside his house with thousand of police officers and tazers. Ken's reply; "Of course I slept with the stewardess. How else could I have gotten us bumped to first class?"_

_But sometimes, Ken was just Ken._

_About three weeks ago, one of his ex-lovers took aim with a sniper rifle and began fire at him. She missed, thank god for that. Ken's reaction; he laughed and told her, "You wouldn't have missed me if it weren't for that lazy eye!"_

* * *

The three boys rushed into the living room, surrounding Ken who was sitting on the couch watching the television. They boys were in hysterics. They couldn't believe what was happening. "Ken!" Sly proclaimed loudly as he stood in front of the fox. "A Nurse and a cop? This woman could kill you and make it look like an act of GOD!"

"So?" Ken proclaimed with a cocked brow of boredom.

"_So?" _Sly proclaimed somewhat offended and shocked. "When the autopsy is preformed, all the doctors are gonna find is a damage liver, gray lung, and tar filled throat and they'll think that killed you!"

"What Sly is trying to say," Bentley stated nonchalantly. He was going to tell him, but he wanted to be clean. "We know all about your little…..um….tet-tet-tet with Nurse Neyla."

Pointing at the turtle behind him with his thumb, Ken asked Sly, "Why does he always speak in some gay code?"

"I'm not gay!" Bentley proclaimed offended. "And they don't even have a code."

"Well how would you know if you weren't gay?" Ken asked in all honesty.

Freaking out and throwing a little hissy fit, Bentley shook his fist and stomped his feet and shouted, "I AM NOT GAY!" Suddenly, when he dust settled, Bentley realized that his little temper tantrum didn't really help his non-gay vibe. So, standing up straight, he lowered his face, and said possibly one of the gayest things Sly has ever heard, "I'm going to help the girls in the kitchen." And with that, he walked off.

Sly was somewhat amazed by Bentley's little fit. But then, Sly shook his head to shake away the memory, leaned down towards Ken, and began to speak. "Ken I understand you're having a blast, and I understand the whole sexy nurse outfit thing-"

Suddenly, Sly was interrupted by a perverted chuckle from Jake, who was shaking his head and smiling mischievously at the same time. Sly was somewhat disturbed by Jake's reaction, but then he brushed it away and continued with his argument.

"But Ken," Sly proclaimed, getting to the point, "There is a woman in there who says she love you."

Ken shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I'm in the living room saying that I love her too."

Sly's face cracked. Jake almost passed out. This day had taken a turn for the worst. This was like a Twilight Zone episode. There was no way Ken could ever fall in love. What the hell was going on?

* * *

_Okay, so Ken, Asshole #1, and the biggest drinker, smoker, and womanizer we have ever known, who cheats on women constantly, just said he loves someone. Everyone right with God? You got your crosses and your bibles right. Cause THE APOCOLYPSE IS HERE!_

* * *

Sly stood up and Jake took his side, both on the same page that Ken shouldn't be allowed to love.

"No, no, no," Sly repeated several times aloud, trying to find a rational excuse for Ken's answer other than love. "No Ken, No. you're not thinking straight. It's the…um…..heart attack rebound thing. Yeah. It's just the angina talking."

Suddenly, Jake gasped so loud that it startled everybody. The Rabbit's eyes widen with excitement. Looking at Sly with awe, he raised, "_It _talks."

Sly shook his head in disappointment. Lying on arm on Jake's shoulder, Sly clarified for the virgin, "Angina. Not vagina. _Angina."_

Once Jake got the message, they both turned around and faced Ken, trying to stop this train wreck before the flames appeared. But before they could get a word in edge wise, Ken stood up on his feet, and began to proclaim a message in a manner that only preachers could pull off.

"Now you listen here, wussy boy!" Ken began with passion. "I have managed to date _hundreds _of women and marry _five _of them without any help from you, or Jake, or Carmelita!"

"Yeah, and none of those women are here right now, and five of them own half your stuff!" Sly retorted. He made a pretty good argument. Then Jake added his two cents to the conversation.

"That's five halves, which is two and a half whole stuff which you could've had, which if you had that stuff right now, you'd have 3 times as much stuff." Jake said.

In all honestly, both Sly and Ken could feel themselves getting more stupid by listening to the rabbit talk. Sly took only a moment to stare at Jake in admiration at Jake's stupidity. Then he turned back towards Ken with crossed arms and a stern look on his face. He placed his hands on Ken's shoulders to sit him down. Surprisingly, the fox obliged.

"Ken," Sly stated with sadness. "Listen man, I care about you. Sure, there are times were I highly dislike you, but the facts are these. You're my father-in-law, and you will be till the day I die. I have to accept that, and accept you. I have to accept who you are, and it's hard, but I know who you are. You see, some people are good at smoking, and drinking, and screwing around. And you're one of those people. And some people are good at lasting healthy relationships, and you haven't even met one of those people. We have to find alternatives and do them. I suck at dancing, right, so I play guitar. You suck at love, so you need to have sex with random strangers."

Jake shook his head in agreement.

"Ken, you love living you're hollow, empty, life." Sly continued with much fervor. "You don't want to drag someone you care about into that."

Ken shook his head, and gave forth a disappointing sigh. But, strangely, he ended up agreeing with the ringtail. "You're right Sly." Ken stated.

"See?" Sly exclaimed. "You got to ask yourself, 'can I change'"

"I don't know," Ken griped.

"I don't know either," Sly replied. "But you do know what's best for her. And you do know that you can't hurt another one. You can't do this to another woman Ken."

Ken stared at Sly with a disappointed, yet understanding glare. With a quiver in his lips, and some sadness in his eyes, Ken whispered quietly, as he accepted his fate, "You're right." Then he called in his lover. "Neyla!"

* * *

_Hey, If I can beat death, I can take on a little nurse. _

* * *

A crowd began to gather around the living room as they watched in anticipation; Ken and Neyla speak to each other. Sly was right by Ken's side, while Jake, Carmelita, and Bentley were off to the side, staring in awe. It was exciting. How was this going to play out?

"What's up baby?" Neyla began speaking to Ken.

"look…Neyla…" Ken began as he held out his hands, trying to calm her down for the news he was about to lay on her. Sly was giddy with excitement. He couldn't wait to get this purple bitch out of his life. Ken then continued to speak. "Sly has brought to my attention, that what he assumes about me is absolutely true."

"Mmm-hm." Sly shook his head in agreement.

"This is the hardest part of any relationship." Ken continued. "I mean….we've known each other for at least six months, but when you put it into perspective on my health and your working hours, that's a very short amount of time. It isn't right. I mean, we can be like this. You shouldn't be here; like this."

"Like this; not right." Sly stated quietly. His heart was about to explode. The anticipation was too much.

"So…" Ken began, drawing out the syllable.

And then things took a turn for the worst.

"Will you marry me?" Ken proposed.

"WHAT!" Sly yelled with fury as his eyeballs almost popped out of his skull.

"WHAT!" the whole gang shouted with equal amount of surprise.

"YES!" Neyla proclaimed as she exploded with happiness and love. Tears of joy were streaming down her face as she ran towards Ken and gripped him in a powerful hug; legs wrapping around his waist. It was by far, the happiest moment of her life.

And Sly and the gang couldn't stand it.

"No!" Sly proclaimed, stamping his foot down. "Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"It's important I get it right this time." Ken told Sly as he stared into Neyla's eyes. Then turning towards Sly, he proclaimed, "After you screw things up with my daughter, you'll understand."

Sly's furry was now exploding in his skull. There was so much anger with in him that he could barley think straight. Case in point, when Sly spoke back to Ken, he yelled at the top of his lungs, "I'M NOT GOING TO SCREW THINGS UP WITH CARM BECAUSE I DON'T MARRYING EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I HAVE SEX WITH!"

That caught Carm's attention. "EXCUSE ME?" Carmelita yelled; pregnancy hormones spiking.

Sly caught his drastic mistake. Slapping himself on the mouth, he turned around to face his wife and told her with an assuring smile, "I didn't mean it like that."

"See?" Ken proclaimed as he pointed at Sly. The Raccoon turned to face Ken. Ken continued his bantering. "You're screwing it up right now."

Before Sly could even speak, Carmelita's hormones caused her to begin questioning everything. Her paranoia and anger was on the fritz. Standing in front of Sly, astonished, she asked him, "So you regret marrying me?"

"NO!" Sly proclaimed with much passion.

"Oh, you sound so happy about it." Carmelita proclaimed sarcastically as she walked around Sly.

Sly turned around to stop his wife. "Honey, can I stop this man from making his 6th mistake since we've already made our first." Then Sly turned to face Ken. Carmelita was flabbergasted. Sly then yelled out a random obscenity as he caught his second mistake. He turned back to his wife, and exclaimed with much horror at his mistake, "MARRIAGE! I MEANT MARRIAGE!" Then, stroking her hair passionately, yet furiously, he silently whimpered, "I love you, I love you, I love you, please don't hurt me."

Sly turned towards the fox and noticed ken sitting on the recliner, staring up into Neyla's eyes, with much love. "KEN!" Sly screamed.

"They say the sixth time the charm, my lovely kitty cat." Ken playfully teased as Neyla crooned.

"AHH! NO FUCK THIS!" Sly screamed as he began pointing at Neyla. "YOU'RE FIRED! I'M NOT PAYING YOU 155 DOLLARS A DAY TO SLEEP WITH MY FATHER-IN-LAW!"

Tapping Sly on the shoulder, Jake whispered into his ear, "You know, that's not a bad price, you know, on the hour."

Sly gave himself a face palm. He couldn't believe what was happing. Ken was getting married to Neyla, Carmelita was questioning their relationship while she was pregnant with their child, and Jake thought Sly was into prostitution. The raccoon was surrounded by idiots. Turning towards Ken, with a face redder than a cherry tomato, Sly exclaimed, "NO KEN! BAD DOG! YOU LISTEN TO ME!"

And that's when Neyla lost her cool.

"NO! YOU LISTEN. YOU LITTLE INTERFEARING UN-GREATFUL LITTLE LOSER!" While Neyla did scream, she slowly moved towards Sly and the gang, adding to the suspense and dreadful atmosphere. And judging by how Sly and the rest of the gang jumped, she was having no trouble of getting her point across this way. As she slowly strode towards them, she continued to assert herself.

"FIRST YOU TRY TO KILL THE MAN!" she continued. "NOW, YOU TELL HIM NOT TO GRASP, THE ONE CHANCE OF HAPPINESS HE HAS LEFT; ME! COULDN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY WE WERE JUST NOW! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY WE'LL BE! NOW FUCKING LEAVE! DO IT RIGHT NOW! DO IT BEFOE YOU AGITATE HIM!

Sly was now leaning backwards with his hands guarding his face. It was an involuntary muscle reaction, but he fully agreed with how his body was reacting. Neyla's screaming scared the pant's right off him. Still, something caught his attention In Neyla's last sentence.

"…agitate him?" Sly said with a cocked brow. "Um, newsflash Neyla; you're the one having sex with him."

"That's what you know!" Neyla exclaimed. And then she said something that made everyone's ears bleed profusely. "NEWFLASH COOPER! I'M ALWAYS ON TOP!

* * *

_OHH GOD! MY BRAIN!_

* * *

If that wasn't enough to make Sly want to pass out, then what Ken did next should have drove the sane buss straight down 'crazy street.' Ken got up quickly, and out of nowhere, he tugged Neyla's tail and a kinky manner. Grabbing the tigress, he turned her around and pulled her towards him, and in front of god and everybody, he shoved his tongue down her throat.

Then, after breaking the kiss, he exclaimed, "Look at me! I'm a cowboy!"

"OH MY GOD!" Sly screamed in horror as he fell to his knee's and clutched his hair tightly.

A few seconds later, Carmelita joined in with him on that scream.

"I know, it's terrible isn't it?" Sly told his wife.

Then he turned around. Under his wife, a giant puddle began to form on the floor. Carmelita winched in pain as tears streamed down her cheeks. She clutched her 9 month pregnant belly tightly.

"NO SLY!" She screamed in pain. "MY WATER BROKE! THE BABY'S COMING!"

* * *

_I gave my father-in-law a heart attack, and the memory of it is etched into my brain._

_Like 9/11._

_The Hindenburg._

_The bomb going off at Hiroshima._

…_or, "Look at me, I'm a cowboy."_

_Oh the humanity._

_I CAN STILL SEE IT!_

* * *

**Wow! That was the longest chapter I think I've ever written for the series. Good thing it's the closing chapter. Don't worry folks; I'll do an epilogue over the summer I'll try to get it posted as soon as possible. You all are wonderful people and you mean so much to me. I hope that you've had as much fun with this series as I did. PLEASE REVIEW! Oh, and don't forget to add your favorite part of the chapter in your review.**

**In other news, I want you all to check out my YouTube page. (The link is on my author's sight) I just posted two new videos and I believe that you'll enjoy them very much. Please comment on the video's once you've seen them. **

**Thank you all, and God Bless.**


	13. Epilogue

**Well, this is it. It's been a long, wonderful, hilarity filled trip. I've had a lot of fun writing this. Christopher Titus is one of my favorite comedians, (BTW, his new special, **_**neverloution, **_**Airs on Comedy Central July 3****rd****; check local listings,) and I absolutely adore his brand of humor. It has been a blast adapting his work to one of my old childhood videogames. And now, 12 chapters later and one epilogue, **_**Dairy of a Thieve **_**has been one of my favorite projects ever. Now, it's time to kick the bucket on this story. I hope you all had a blast and I hope you tell all your friends about it. When you review, if you do, I want you to tell me your favorite chapter, and what your favorite part of said chapter was. It helps me as a writer to know what people are looking for so I can add it to other stories.**

**Here are some idea's floating around my head for new fan fics. (Not Sly cooper Related)**

**Title: **_**Red Leather – **_**Fan fic: **_**sonic the hedgehog – **_**Premise: **_**It's basically the David Lynch film "Blue Velvet," Except Tails is the main character, Rouge is the abused singer, and Shadow is the completely demented and terrifying, Frank Booth. (I just can't wait to write Shadow screaming at the top of his lungs, "Lets F***! I'll F*** anything that moves!)**_

**Title: **_**Over the edge – **_**Fan fic: **_**Fantastic Mr. Fox – **_**Premise: **_**It's the Episode of Titus of the same name, except with Ash as Titus, Kristofferson as Tommy, a new character as Dave, and Agnes as Erin.**_

**Or, I'll just add a new chapter to my smut Teen Titans fic, **_**Bed room habits.**_** Other than that, I'm currently invested with **_**Apollo **_**(Which is my most viewed and reviewed fic to date), and my Avatar TLA related fiction, **_**a method to the madness. **_

**Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS AND SUPPORT! And now, it has finally come to this, here it is, the epilogue and final piece to Diary of a Thieve. **

* * *

_**Prolouge:**_

_*****__16__years__later__since__last__chapter__**.***_

_Dear Diary,_

_It has been sixteen year since I last wrote into you;_

_16 years of hard work, raising a child, and teaching her the right things._

_That right, I said her. Her name is Amy Montoya Cooper. She is the greatest thing that has happen to me, she is my rose, and I will protect her till the day I die._

_But she's also a pain in my ass._

_God, the first three years with her were hell. She was like a barfing, pooping, crying, money wasting machine; designed for the full purpouse of nothing more than ruining my life. people don't tell you this but babies, can't show you love back until three months later when they learn to smile. And I only made her smile as a baby a handful of times. But I'm funnier than that. And, I believe, if I'm paying for your food and rent, I better be the funniest son of a bitch in that house._

_But all that's cool, because she's now a teenager._

_And this is where the bomb of dismay drops._

_I realized, that when my daughter hit puberty, that being a teenager is probably the worst…30 years of your life. There's acne, peer pressure, final exams; and if you're a boy, seven little puny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, none of the girls in the orphanage noticed your infantile mustache because they were distracted by the huge fire engine zit on your fore head!_

_Sorry, that hits a little too close to home._

_But, all that doesn't matter, BECAUSE, when you turn 30, all the problems of being a teenager vanish away._

…_unless, you have a teenage daughter, then, her problems, become your problems. I found that out today. Let me tell you the story of how I walked in on my daughter TRYING TO KILL HERSELF!_

* * *

It was just a normal day for Sly Cooper; who was now 41, married to Carmelita Fox, and father of a daughter. Breakfast was made and served on the kitchen table. His wife was happily asleep upstairs in their bedroom. The sun was shining, the morning coffee was deliciously bitter, and it was a peaceful quiet day.

….too quiet.

Slowly, Sly realized that something was off. It had become way too hushed for any normal day at the Cooper house. It was one of those deadly, urgent, alarming silences that only parents knew of. You know; that type of silence where it slowly dawns on you that something is amiss.

Sly's eyes widen when he realized that he was all alone at the breakfast table. Carmelita was asleep, so Sly was able to scratch her out as a cause for alarm. But Amy, Amy hasn't made a sound. Sly wasn't even sure if she left her room. Something was wrong, and Sly knew that either Amy was the cause, or the victim. He really hoped it wasn't the later.

He hopped out of the wooden chair at the breakfast table in the kitchen, and ran past the living room, turned down a hall, went upstairs towards his daughter's door. He scrambled all the way up there, with not one ounce of courtesy or balance in his steps. He fumbled about with his morning rob as he tied it on. When he reached Amy's door, he placed his ear against the wooden frame. At first he didn't pick up anything. Not one sound was emitted from that room.

This was not good.

But then, he heard something. It was a cross between a slight sniffle, and a sob.

The situation had now grown from bad to worst. It went from dead silent, to slight sobbing. His daughter was in pain, and he wasn't sure why. But he'd be damned if he wasn't about to find out. Immediately, for good manners, Sly knocked on Amy's door violently with his right fist.

"Amy!" he shouted. Then he grabbed the door and swung it open. As he opened it, he asked politely, "Amy, what's the matter?"

It didn't take long for Sly to evaluate the situation, and when he analyzed every sordid detail, at first, he was struck paralyzed with fear and stayed dead in his tracks. His daughter's eyes were bloodshot. Her furry orange cheeks showed stains from where the tears were rolling down. He also noticed, to his utter horror, that in one hand, she held multiple small objects that looked like mints. In the other hand, she held a giant bottle of Jim Beam. And when Sly entered the room and made eye contact with her, in no less than a millisecond, she slammed the tiny white objects into her mouth and began to drink the whisky.

Then, Sly went ballistic.

"Ahh!" he screamed in terror as both of his hands grabbed his head. He just couldn't believe what he was witnessing. Then, immediately, he took action. He ran towards her screaming all the way, "No, No, No!" When he reached her, he knelt by her bedside and quickly shoved his fingers in her mouth, as he tried desperately to dislodge some of the pills that were within her cheeks. He was able to successfully remove a few. But then, his daughter bit down on his finger, hard.

"OW!" Sly screamed as he pulled his hand back and stared at the damaged finger. Then, with anger coursing through his system at full blast, Sly grabbed his daughter by the shoulders, and just like a school bully with a nerd, he tipped her upside down and began jumping up and down, as he tried desperately to save Amy's life. As he jumped up and down, and as his arms slammed into her stomach which he held tightly, he shouted repeatedly, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT NOW!"

Immediately, to his great satisfaction, a sea of white pebble looking objects and black liquid splashed out of her mouth and onto the floor and wall in front of her. Being very careful, Sly sat his daughter down on the bed, and picked up the pill bottle and the whisky. He noticed the labeling on the orange container, and realized it was painkiller.

"PAIN KILLERS AND VODKA!" Sly shouted with disbelief as he stared into his daughter's eyes; flabbergasted at what he witness; and shocked at what just about happened. Suddenly, he pointed at his daughter, and with a righteous fury, he proclaimed, "I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF UNCLE JAKE'S EARTHQUAKE KIT!"

* * *

**Epilogue: um…..errr?**

Sly studied the pills and alcohol for a few seconds, as he held both bottles in each hand. He was dumbstruck with confusion. Amy was by far one of the happiest beings he had the pleasure of knowing. Every day when she got up for breakfast, she had a smile that would shine joyfully and brilliantly even in the most darkest of places. Why on earth would she want to kill herself?

Turning towards his daughter, who was now standing up and pacing the room nervously, Sly asked her staggered, "Alcohol and pills?" Sly bellowed awestruck. "What are you trying to kill yourself for? Are the kids in school making fun of ya?" Suddenly, Sly's face went from perplexed, to happily understanding. "Now Amy, they're just jealous because they don't have your great big male ears?"

Amy's face broke. Her mouth gapped open in shock. Then, she spoke with a fiery Latin voice that she obviously inherited from her mother, and a great deal of sarcasm which obviously came from her father. "Why thanks dad!" she shouted. "I thought it was because the _love of my life _dumped me but….thank you. Now I know it's because of my physical deformities."

Sly was shocked for two reasons.

She was killing herself over something as simple as teenage love?

Someone _broke up with her?_

Who in their right mind would break up with his daughter? They obviously were insane or completely wasted when they done so. Amy had inherited a jaw dropping, amazingly powerful beauty that obviously came from Carmelita's genes; with maybe a side of Sly's own. She had dark orange fur with black stripes tracing all over her body. Her big, puffy, orange fox tail was ringed with black stripes. She was not too skinny to be called an anorexic, not to fat to be called a pig, she was in that perfect middle ground where no one would even dare to judge or label her, unless she was simply going to call her perfect. At age 13, she had already received 12 requests from 12 different boys at her school to go on a dance with her. Now she was 15 and was getting dumped? What was going on?

"Puppy love?" Sly asked in disbelief as he stood up and walked over to Amy. He laid his arms on her shoulders to sooth her. Eventually, she shook her head nervously up and down. Suddenly, once she confirmed that it was love that caused her pain, he laughed. "I can fix that!" he proclaimed with a smile. Then, trying to brighten the mood, he told a joke. "You're still going to have to live with the ear thing though."

The reaction was a disappointing one, as Amy looked up at her father with a scowl painted darkly on her face.

* * *

_In order to understand a teenager, you have to become one yourself; no matter how painful it is to access the memories of a twisted and disturbed past. I still shudder at the crap I gotten away with. The staff at the orphanage voted me most likely to get scrapped off a burning ramp by a puking fire man._

_I remember this one time, where I and some of my friends broke out of the orphanage when I was 16, and we stole a Dodge Viper. We went along the France coastline which move in a snake pattern, we were traveling at a hundred and thirty miles per hour on a 60mph road._

_And we were high!_

_Not just high. ! We could no longer hold our bodies up right; high!_

_And Beastie Boy's __license to ill __was playing at a soothing billion and five decibels. Yeah, try to wrap your mind around that mental image; a bunch of French punk teenagers screaming, "No sleep till Brooklyn! Yeah, we rock!"_

_But that's not the story I had to tell my daughter to save herself. I had to dig deeper in my dark past, and pull out one of my most painful memories. Not the most painful; the death of my parents is still ranked very high up there, but this memory is pretty close to it. It was my first love. Her name was Marla Fitzpatrick. She was a squirrel that came into the orphanage when I was just 8, and she was 8 years old too. As we grew up together, I found her increasingly attractive. But I couldn't make a move on her because she was in the hot looking babes group, and I was in the outcast loser who haven't discovered deodorant group._

_A very exclusive group; might I add. _

_But, one day, fate thrower me a giant curveball, when our Orphanage counselor and teacher, miss Appleseed Ladybug, decided that it would be great if the orphanage would throw a Christmas ball for new investors and to have the kids some fun activities to do._

_I was 15 at the time, so every friend I knew and every single hormone in my body was just screaming "PLEASE ASK MARLA TO THE DANCE!" _

* * *

***26 years ago* **

Sly and Murray waited in the lunch hall at the happy camper's orphanage. They leaned against the wall with their backs and one foot. They crossed their arms and seemed calm and almost expressionless. In fact, they looked somewhat bored. They were almost splitting identical images of Lee Marvin. And currently, they were doing something that most teenage boys were known to do at their age. They were scoping the room for chicks.

"What about that girl?" Murray asked as he pointed towards a very lean and small parrot girl.

"fshhhh, no." Sly stated in stuttering and obnoxious teenager fashion. Murray's eyes danced around the room as he tried to find another girl. His eyes landed upon a tall Zebra with long flowing black hair.

"Hey, what about that girl?" Murray asked. "I mean, her hair is just as pretty as yours."

"Fshsshyea. No way! Yeah right." Sly stated with enough self absorption to make anyone sick. "Man, dances are lame anyway. If I wanted to dance with someone I could just spray a pillow with perfume and dance with it at my bunk."

Murray laughed in agreement at first. Then, he stopped himself, and turned towards his best buddy, and corked a brow in confusion.

"….Which I don't do." Sly added hoping to take the intense attention off him.

Suddenly, with a loud CRASH, Bentley rushed into the lunch hall and accidently ran into a table. He tumbled over, as some of the kids from the orphanage laughed and pointed. He scrambled to get back up, and once he did, he ran over to Sly and Murray with amazing speed. All the way there, he was screeching, "SLY, MURRAY, SLY, MURRAY!"

Sly and Murray reached out and shushed their insanely, over energetic turtle immediately. Once Bentley's nerves were finally subdued, they asked him politely, "What the hell's you problem bro?"

"I just asked out Cindy to the Christmas dance." Bentley proclaimed with much enthusiasm.

"Nice!" Murray shouted with much fervor towards his friend's good luck. Cindy was known as one of the hottest girls in the orphanage. She was a purple vixen of about 16 years old, with some of the hugest knockers that any of the boys had ever seen. It was a miracle that the girl hasn't put an eye out yet. After Murray gave Bentley a much deserved high five, Murray proclaimed with a perverted laugh, "Dude, I hear she's got grass, _on the infield." _

The boys chuckled mischievously as dirty thoughts danced in their teenage heads. Suddenly, they snapped out of their hormonal daze and the pink hippo asked Bentley, "So did she say yes?"

"No," Bentley proclaimed. Strangely, he did so with a smile. This left the raccoon and the hippo mystified. Why wasn't their friend heart broken by the rejection? Something else was up.

"So what happened?" Sly asked as he desperately tired to coax some information out of his little green turtle companion.

"Well, when I asked her, my hand accidently brushed up against her boob and she bashed me over the head with a typewriter." Bentley said quickly and without one hint of remorse or sadness. Rapidly, he tilted his head forward so his friend could get a good look at his cranium. The turtle asked curiously, "Is there any blood?" as he pointed to the top of his head.

"No," Sly said long and drawn out as he studied his friend's skull. There was no sign of damage anywhere on Bentley's head. But as Sly dug around his friend's skull, he did notice something out of the ordinary. It was little, black, and circular. "Just a….." Sly mumbled as he yanked it out. Bentley yelped quietly and jumped in pain. Bentley and Murray looked at Sly as he showed them a piece of a typewriter that was lodged in Bentley's head. "A semicolon," the Raccoon explained.

Then, he cackled, and proclaimed quietly, "Colon." He and his friends began to laugh in an immature manner.

Abruptly, and out of nowhere, the sound of high heels flooded the luncheon halls of the happy camper's orphanage. The boys turned their heads towards the source of the sound. If beauty had to ability to kill, the boys would have died immediately at the sight they just saw. The three most hottest girls in the orphanage were now prancing around their space, and they were single for the dance. They were aware of this due to thick and dense rumor filled atmosphere of the confined space.

The first girl was none other than Cindy Vixen. As it has already been stated before, she had the biggest boobs of all time and Bentley had now just struck a quote unquote 'conversation,' with her earlier. The second girl was Lynda Cat. She may not have had the curviest body, but no one could deny her cute and charming face. Besides that, her golden locks would have made any man kill another just to be closer to her. And the last girl almost sent Sly into a heart attack. It was none other than the sexiest, coolest, most charming, skinny yet curviest girl he knew; Marla Fitzpatrick. When Sly would even get a glimpse of her bushy squirrel tail, Sly would almost fall into an epileptic seizure.

"Oh my God!" Sly whispered passionately to his friends. "It's Marla Fitzpatrick." He and his friends stared at the alarmingly attractive girl for a long time. They gawked at her like the horny teenage nerds that they were. "Oh man," Sly moaned. "She looks even more beautiful standing next to those skanks."

"Eww Sly," Bentley proclaimed as he pointed at the girls. "Don't you notice what they're doing, they're smoking."

At first, the Raccoon didn't catch their misbehavior. But then, as he started to study them real hard, he did notice that they were smoking. And while that was somewhat of a turn-off for some guys, for Sly, it made him even more turned on.

"She's sexy, courageous, and doesn't give a shit about the rules," Sly said aloud to himself. "Oh my God, I think I'm in love." Then, the Raccoon turned to his friends and proclaimed. "Hey man, I would pay a billion dollars just to kiss her dead, black, tar filled lungs."

The next thing that happened was something that Sly was totally not prepared for. Immediately, his friends shoved him over, towards the three ladies, and they pushed him hard. Bentley stated as he did this, "Sly, you need to ask her out to the Christmas dance right now. It's begins tonight. It's Christmas eve!"

"No way man!" Sly proclaimed. "She's way too hot for me. Why don't I just ask out Miss March from Playboy magazine?"

"Sly," Bentley argued his case with furrowed brows. "You'll never know unless you try. Now do it now! It's your perfect chance to ask her out. She's all hopped up on the nicotine." Suddenly, Bentley shoved Sly. The poor Raccoon lost his balance, and tumbled over like tree in the woods. And what's worst was where Sly had landed. For the ringtail had coincidentally landed right on Marla's feet. Now, there was no way of backing out of confrontation. What was worst was the fact that as soon as Sly fell, Marla bent down, helped Sly up to his feet and asked the poorly confused and nervous teenager. "Suge, are you ok?"

Her thick southern accent did not help in calming the meager Raccoon down. As he brushed himself off, he stated nervously with jitters, "Y-y-yeah, I'm fine."

"I hope you are," Marla proclaimed as she dauntingly and tauntingly held the cigarette in one hand and swayed her body left and right. "You fell like a ton of bricks."

"uh…y-yeah." Sly nervously proclaimed as he scratched the back of his head. Since he was only 15, he hadn't had much experience with talking to women. His mind raced uncontrollably, and Cooper desperately tired to sooth his nerves. Suddenly, he held out his hand and stated, "I'm Sly Cooper, by the way."

Marla eagerly shook his hand, and laughed, as she proclaimed, "Yeah, I know who you are. You're the kid from last year who accidently lit his hair on fire when we were lighting the candles during the black out."

_Oh shit! She know about that? _Sly thought apprehensively as his eyes widened and his heart beat raced. _Ok. Keep it cool, play it cool, play it cool, play it cool! Ah ha! I got it! _With a charm and swagger that only movie stars could produce, Sly stated as he pointed lightly at her, "That was no accident."

Both he and she laughed.

_Whew! _He thought. _Dodged a bullet there._

Now Sly was caught in a dilemma. He had already established himself as a cool person in Marla's eyes, so in order to keep the lie going, Sly had to present himself as the coolest kid in the orphanage. And what did cool kids do, they smoked! So, holding out a pleading hand, Sly asked politely, "I could sure go for the taste of a good cigarette right now. I left mine in my…..uh….th-thing. Could I have a puff of yours?"

Immediately, and to the Raccoons internal surprise, Marla took the cigarette out of her mouth, handed it towards Sly's paw, and exclaimed, "Of course suge."

Sly's heart raced with anticipation. He had never smoked before, nor had he ever tried to look cool in front of a lady before. He didn't know what to expect to happen to him as soon as he would begin smoking. Would he immediately become addicted? Would he die? He studied the cigarette in his hand for what seemed like ages. He noticed that her lipstick had stained the end of it. Sly tried to calm his horny mind, but no avail. Slowly, he brought the cigarette in his lips, and inhaled. He sucked on the cigarette with passion and vehemence as he realized that he was sucking on a hot woman's cigarette. Oh, what a glorious day!

Finally, after a good three seconds, Sly gave the cigarette back to the squirrel mistress. Suddenly, Sly realized that he was only about 3 seconds away from coughing up the smoke back, and doing it fierce. While he did wanted to take his sweet time and ask the lady out with politeness and with ardor, unless he wanted to spit up a cloud of smoke right in her face like a batman gas can, he had to hurry his commitment along.

"So…um…is it okay if you'd be my date for the Christmas ball?" Sly asked hurriedly.

"….okay!" Marla stated quickly and giddy.

"Really?" Sly asked excitedly. He held his breath in both anticipation, and in fear that the smoke would blow up like a volcano.

"Yeah," Marla exclaimed.

"Alright, well I'll see you there." Sly stated in a strained voice as he held on to his breath for dear life.

"Yeah, that's cool." Marla exclaimed. Suddenly she noticed her friends were walking out of the room, so she ran to catch up. And just like that, she was out of Sly's hair.

So, feeling confident in him, and feeling safe that no one was presumably watching, Sly let go of his breath and began to cough up something fierce, and sounded like a jammed machine gun turret on crack. It was a violent cough that shook him so bad; he didn't notice the peach that had fallen on the lunch floor in front of him. His foot made contact with said peach, and Sly was now airborne. He hit the ground hard, and all the kids pointed at him and laughed. But that didn't matter. MARLA SAID YES!

* * *

_Back then, play boy magazine was the only advice I had when it came to talking to women. I would read that thing, (mostly for the pictures) constantly. The number one thing that it registered to me when it came to women was that in order to pick up hot chicks, you needed a really nice looking car. Me and moray were recreating this 1964 chivy impala, and on that night, I decided to finish it myself and drive it up to the orphanage in style; even though I didn't know the first thing about engines at the time._

_The second thing that Playboy magazine registered to me about women; put your man junk in her egg shack._

* * *

***later that day***

Bentley waited for his friends on the steps of the orphanage frantically. It just wasn't like Sly or Murray at all to run off by their selves and not return. They told him that they were going to leave for a few seconds and be right back. They said they had the perfect thing to help Sly score with Marla. Thing was, they had now been away for at least 90 minutes, and the dance was only 10 minutes away. Bentley was under the impression that he was ditched.

Suddenly, Bentley heard the sounds of high heels walking down the steps, followed by the angry and tired grunt of Cindy Vixen. Bentley nerves went cold. He froze up with fear and anticipation. All day long, he wanted to apologize to her about their earlier altercation. He wanted to tell her so badly that it was an accident on his part. But the fear of her retribution and wrath kept the poor turtle standing in his place. But, suddenly, when he noticed that she was on the final step, he decided to man up, and he ran desperately to meet her.

"Cindy!" Bentley shouted, causing the vixen to snap her attention towards him. When she caught sight of Bentley, she immediately scowled. And while she wanted to leave, she was somewhat interested in what the turtle had to say. When Bentley made it to the bottom of the steps, he swiftly began to apologize for today's occurrences.

"Listen, Cindy," Bentley began out of breath and filled with a sense of low self opinion. "I'm very sorry about what happened earlier today. Me touching your…..b-b-b-b-booooo-womanly area, it was just an accident. It was a simple misunderstanding. I would never do anything to offend-"

Bentley was cut off from his diatribe when Cindy's face broke into a shocked and bewildered gasp. Bentley recognized instantaneously that something was wrong. But the poor green turtle had no clue what could be causing her to act so strange. But then, he noticed something. His hands felt…..warm; like they were touching something squishy. He felt fabric and skin. What the hell? He looked directly at his hands…

And immediately his face broke too when he noticed that he was touching Cindy's boobs yet again. He slowly looked up with much fear as to how Cindy would react. She was breathing very slowly. Her teeth were grinding and she was ready to strike. Her face was as red as a cherry tomato.

"Oh God," Bentley moaned in agony of fear, before Cindy grabbed her purse and repeatedly slammed Bentley over the head with it. Meanwhile, as Bentley was getting his ass kicked, Sly had finally shown up for the dance. And as promised, he brought in something that would seal the deal between him and Cindy. It was none other than a 1964 chivy impala, with a sky blue paint job. It was glorious. The chrome shined with a futuristic glow. The paint was loud and bright, like something off a Wes Anderson film, and what made it even better, was just how slick and smooth Sly looked in his tux as he pulled up towards the orphanage.

"What comes before Part b? PARTY!" Sly announced when he slammed on the brakes with much enthusiasm.

Bentley, who was now left alone on the steps after Cindy had kicked his ass, was awestruck. Never before in his life had he ever seen a car so smooth and downy. Sly and Murray weren't kidding when they said that this was going to make Marla insanely attracted to Sly. It was a chick magnet! _Speaking of Murray, _Bentley thought. _Where is he? He was supposed to be with Sly. _And then, _oh my god! There's smoke coming from the car. _

As Sly laughed in self-righteousness, Bentley rushed down the stairs in bewilderment. "Sly!" Bentley yelled in fear. "What did you do to the car? It's smoking!"

"I just did some donuts behind the donut shop." Sly replied as if he was vaguely alarmed by the situation.

Bentley's eyes widen. "Sly!" he whined and chastised the ringtail.

"What!" Sly retorted; agitated beyond belief. "The sign said donuts; I was just following the rules."

Suddenly, a loud thumping sound was emitted by the car's trunk. It was so unexpected and abrupt that it made both the Raccoon and the turtle jump; startled. They looked towards the trunk, and immediately, without warning, the trunk popped itself open. Sly and Bentley ran over to discover the source of all this commotion, was none other than the missing pink piece to the puzzle; Murray. He got out of the car, and looked sort of woozy. As he got to his feet, he began to teeter back and forth. He wobbled with each step he took. Obviously the donuts Sly preformed earlier had some effect on him.

"Dude, someone barfed in the trunk of your car," Murray admitted.

Sly was somewhat outraged by the pink hippo's appearance. Running on what little logic a male teenager driven by sex hormones has, Sly thought that if Murray were around him while he and Marla were chatting, Murray's presence alone would cause Marla to dump him without a seconds thought. So, not only did Sly try to ditch Murray back at the auto-garage, but he also forged his writing and posted a very mean letter on miss Appleseed Ladybug's desk, calling her some very rude names. This would ensure Murray wouldn't be anywhere near the dance. This however, didn't seem to go as planned.

"Murray!" Sly shouted in anger and surprise. "What are you doing here? Miss Appleseed said nightrider, and then bed!"

Murray was not shaken up in the least by Sly's outburst. He gawked in an unappreciative manner. Suddenly, he felt a presence by his side. He looked over his shoulder to notice that Sly loud bellowing caused somewhat of a crowd to gather….well…..if you called a crowd one person alone. But for Murray's situation at hand, it couldn't have been a better person. Lynda Cat was standing right beside him. And as everyone knew due to word of mouth, she had no date for a dance. _And, _it was well known throughout the orphanage, that she was very, _very _attracted towards bad boys.

Using his recent punishment to his advantage, Murray turned towards Lynda with a wide smile on his face, a mischievous look in his eyes, and shouted with much passion, "I've been a _baaaaaad _boy!"

Lynda immediately smiled with a glimmer of rebellious nature in her eyes. Both her and Murray ran rapidly into the dance, hand and hand, and proceeded to cause rambunctious trouble throughout the night; much to their pleasure.

Sly and Bentley stood there in wonder. Their brains advanced themselves to melt into Swiss cheese as they tried to comprehended what in the hell just happened. Suddenly, their mentally damaged trains of thoughts were derailed when, again, the sound of high heels hit the def-notes of their ear drums. They snapped their necks as they urgently tried to find the source of the sound; for the sake of their highly destructive and powerful teenage hormones. Sly and Bentley were greeted with one of the greatest sights ever to bestow earthly eyes. It was Marla Fitzpatrick. She was all fitted out with mascara, lipstick, and a pink dress that knocked their socks off.

Immediately, Bentley began to panic as he realized that Sly's rented suit was a bit dusty. "Oh My God Sly! She's coming!" Bentley immediately reached over and franticly started smacking his suit. Sly, tried to hold his little companion at bay, and once Bentley was subdued, Sly looked Bentley in the eyes and exclaimed with much confidence, "I got this," even though he was fully aware that he didn't, and had no idea how to talk to woman.

As Marla got closer, Bentley moved away to allow his buddy to fly solo. Sly turned around nervously as he made eye contact with the beautiful female squirrel. In his mind, he sounded so smooth and cool that Dean Martin would've been green with envy. In reality, however, he sounded like any normal, anxious and uneasy nerdy teenager.

"hhhheeeyyy," Sly stated long and drawn out.

"Hi!" Marla quickly and happily replied back. That was the biggest difference between the two at the time. He was extensive and nervous. She was short and giddy. He said toe-may-toe. She said tomato. All of a sudden, Sly realized that a dreadful silence was rapidly filling the atmosphere. Looking around for a topic of conversation, the ringtail's eyes fell upon the car.

Stretching himself across it, Sly proclaimed with a new-found sense of confidence, "Check this thing out."

Marla was hypnotized. "Oh….my…..gawd! Nice ride suge!" she exclaimed with her southern accent drenching her tone like syrup.

"Yeah," Sly stated in his coolest tone possible. He walked backwards as he opened the passenger door, and escorted his lady into the car. She followed without one ounce of rebellion, as she was seduced by the sight of the car alone. "This is a 1964 Chevy impala convertible. It can take a man from 0 to cool in 0.5 cool seconds."

"Cool," Marla proclaimed excited; her estrogen pumping throughout her veins erratically.

"Yeah, cool." Sly replied as he walked around to the driver's seat. Filled with pride, he spoke with in a tone that was plastered with conceit. "I rebuilt the engine myself." He exclaimed as if it were no big deal.

Marla was filled with exhilaration and was awestruck that Sly, this goofy, nerdy teenager was able to fulfill such a task. "You rebuilt the engine all by _yourself?" _She exclaimed in disbelief. Okay, she was sort of in-love with him at first, but not she was completely mesmerized. He was a man with such skilled hands. Trying to show just where the night would go if he could keep his swagger up, she chuckled and said aloud, "I bet you're the type of guy who can unbuckle a girl's bra-strap with one hand." As she looked over her shoulder.

The mental image of Sly, in bed, with Marla, unhooking her bra strap with one hand sent Sly head over heels, as he fell face first into the pavement below him. He instantly bounced right back up, and brushed himself off in a hurried manner. He hoped to God that Marla didn't catch himself falling over…..again.

Sly rapidly sat himself in the driver's seat of the car. He desperately tried to find that image of coolness he portrayed earlier. In his mind, he conjured up the greatest sentence in existence. But in real life, it was utter shit. He sat himself in the driver's seat, looked over at Marla and said with boastfulness, "well, I can do a _whole lot _of things with one hand."

Marla laughed, trying to be polite. In her mind, she was going hysterical. _Is this guy a retard or what?_

Instantaneously, that strange silence flooded the air space of Sly and Marla's conversation. He rushed to find something to keep his image of poise afloat. Noticing a cigarette (or what appeared to be a cigarette) Sly placed it in his mouth, remembering that Marla smoked and probably liked boys who smoked too.

Once he did this, Marla cocked a brow. "Why did you just put a cigarette butt in your mouth?" she asked curiously in confusion.

_Oh shit! _Sly thought dreadfully. The sound of an atomic bomb played itself over in a loop in his mind. His mind raced in anticipation as he struggled for an explanation. _Quick! _His mind screamed. _What type of men do girls like the smoke cigarettes? _Suddenly, he heard the theme music to bonanza playing inside his head. _Of course, cowboys!_

"Why?" Sly said as he slicked his head back. "Cause…I'm a cowboy." He finished his sentence with a wink, and then he formed to finger shooters and fake shot her.

Marla laughed. Not only did she laugh, it was a full hearty laugh that could have echoed across time and space. Sly mentally wiped the sweat that brewed itself upon his forehead. Again, he dodged another bullet. He still kept his self-assurance and cool composure as he looked at his babe, threw and arm around her should, and reached for the keys in the ignition. "Now," Sly began. "Let's ditch this party and make one of our own."

Marla chuckled, and replied by giving Sly a dirty wink. "Let's go for a ride, cowboy!" she replied with devilish intent.

_SCORE! _His teenage mind shouted. Now, all that was left to do was to ditch this parking lot, rent a hotel, and then Sly could wave, bye bye, to his virginity at last. He turned the keys brutally and revved the engine up hysterically, to get Marla's heart pumping.

Suddenly, Sly heard a different pumping, coming from the car's engine. Three pumps later, Sly and Marla were greeted with a loud _POP_ with a bright yellow light from under the hood. Suddenly, the engine stopped. A hiss presented itself towards their ears, and smoke began to cloud up under the hood of the car.

"no, no, no, no," Sly stated repeatedly as he ran out the door, and looked at the car hood with shock and remorse. Bentley, who had witness them chatting from the stairs, ran towards Sly side and aided him with whatever he was about to do. Marla scarcely made her way out of the car. She was in somewhat of a shock that her, _cowboy, _had engine troubles.

"I don't think you put the engine together right." Marla cautiously asked.

Sly's heart was on the urge of exploding. His fears that his night of romantic passion would disappear, were now becoming a reality. He just couldn't have that happen, ever! So, franticly, he shouted, "no, no, no! I can fix this. Watch!" and he opened the car hood. Immediately, he was engulfed by a giant cloud of white smoke. He began coughing, and hacking all the toxic air filling his lungs. Marla, who was looking at the engine from the left side, was enveloped by the smoke as well. She began waving her hand out in front of her as she tried to avert the smoke from her face.

Sly, trying to work the disaster into his use began to make light hearty comments. "Wow," Sly exclaimed. "More toxic smoke for our knarly smokers lungs. Woooo! It's like we're in a rock video."

Suddenly, Marla felt warm, and it wasn't the type of warm that she felt comfortable with. It was like she was burning up. She looked towards her stomach, and screamed! She stepped back and presented her newly ruined dress for the world's display. An oil leak had occurred and oil and splattered itself all over her dress. It was a disaster. And no one else was to blame, but the raccoon.

"You ruined my dress!" She screamed at Sly with anger and dismay. Tears were already starting form on her face. She pointed at the ringtail angrily and without remorse for him.

Sly was dumbfounded. He didn't know how to respond to a woman in need. He knew vaguely that he was supposed to give her a hand, but as to how, he was completely unsure. He was lost in the thick fog of perplexity. Again, his teenager hormones overruled his common sense, and his mouth released the most idiotic sentence ever to bestow itself upon the universe.

"You know what," Sly began, nervous and jittery. "Just to make it fair, I'll pour oil all over myself." He was greeted with the shocked expression of Marla. "…..and then we can wrestle?"

Marla lost her shit. Tears flowed down her face, and an ager level that would've made Gods quarrel with fear was released from her hyped up squirrel body.

"I thought you were cool!" she shouted with passion. "I thought you were awesome, but you lied! You lied to me about cars! You lied to me about smoking! You probably lied to me about being a cowboy! That's it. You and I suge, we're through!" she screamed with her estrogen in high amounts, pulsating around her body at a high velocity. She began to march up the steps, away from Cooper, with her dress in tatters; when Sly desperately tired to win her back. Immediately, he grabbed her wrist, and pulled her down to eye level.

"Marla, wait," Sly asked with self-pity. "Can i….Can I at least have one dance….slow if possible?" Sly asked, stuttering, with a puppy dog face.

And that's when Marla said the words that sent Sly's teenage world spiraling down into a great depression. She looked at him dead in the eyes, and with a fiery southern voice, she proclaimed with the passion of a thousand burning suns, "I WOULDN'T DANCE WITH YOU IF YOU WERE THE LAST GUY ON EARTH!" and with that, she left him in her dust. She never spoke to him once more. two days later, she was adopted by a family of oil workers from Texas.

As Sly stood there in his newly rejected from, he shouted one last plea, "Because there'd be no more DJ's, right?"

* * *

***present day***

Amy couldn't control herself, but right now, she was laughing hysterically. As her dad had described his disastrous first encounter with the female species, she could only find herself capable of laughing frenziedly. She was about to have an epileptic seizure. She was laughing so hard she swore that she could feel herself growing abs. Her dad's pain was hilarious.

"You see," a now older and wiser Sly Cooper proclaimed to his daughter. "If every teenager killed him or herself after a bad first date, well, there would be no need for prepubescent, semi-homosexual boy bands."

As Amy wiped away the tears of laughter from her eyes, she shook her head yes, and agreed with her father. "I guess you're right dad." She stated with a glimmer of hope in her eyes. She seemed a lot more happier than the crying teenager girl Sly saw earlier with a container of pills and a bottle of Jim Beam. "Maybe me and Ashton will end up together after all."

He lifted himself off the bed corner that he was sitting on. He had a bright smile on his face, as he realized that he just saved his daughter. "See!" Sly proclaimed with a happy smile on his face.

Suddenly, she got a weird glimmer in her eyes. It was like she was filled with sadness, but it was almost like it was tears of Joy. "Thanks dad," she proclaimed with a smile as her voice choked up a bit. She then leaned in for a hug.

Sly embraced her with father love and hugged her back with an equal amount of force. "No dear, thank you for having the courage to let me fix you." Sly proclaimed as he patted her on the back.

They held on to each other for what seemed like years as they tenderly embraced each other; father to daughter. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Sly let go of his own flesh and blood, and proceeded to pick up the bottle of pills and whisky. "And hey, no more suicide." Sly stated with a strangely ironic smile. And with that he left the room feeling confident that the fixed her. She was going to be okay.

Or so he thought. For as soon as the door slammed behind him, he heard the dreadful click of Amy's room locking. Sly gulped in fear. He ran back to the door and began pounding on it furiously. "Amy," he proclaimed. "Amy! Amy!" he continued shouting her name as he ran out of the house, and into the back yard, as he tried to find her bedroom window. Sure enough, he did, and then he screamed, "AMY, NO!"

For at that moment, He found his daughter, with a belt around her neck, standing on a chair, tied to the ceiling fan, and sobbing chaotically again. All it would take was one step, and Amy would be sleeping with the fishes. If Sly made one false move, it was all over. He had to find a way to relate to Amy's situation, but he had to do it in a manner that wasn't considered annoying or offensive.

It was a deep dark secret that Sly wanted to keep hidden his entire life. He never wanted to tell anyone, his daughter none the less, about what he tried to do after Marla broke up with him. However, if he was to prevent the suicide of his daughter, then all skeletons had to be removed from the closet, and exposed in the daylight.

"I tried killing myself once too, you know!" Sly shouted in desperation as he watched his daughter stand on the chair.

A change of some sort appeared to happen in Amy at that instant. Her eyes present a different glow. She was curious. Was her father lying just to keep her alive, or was he telling the truth? Had he been through the same type and amount of pain she was experiencing right now. She was inquisitive on the matter, and decided to ask some questions. She untied the belt from the ceiling fan, but remained on the chair with the belt around her neck.

"You got three minutes." She told her father.

Sly was confused. "You're holding yourself hostage?"

"Talk or I'll kill me!" She commanded.

"All right, All right!" Sly pleaded. Then, he continued to carry on the story about the lowest point of his life.

* * *

***26 years ago…..again***

Bentley slammed the hood shut on the Chevy Impala. The tortes and the coon were now back at the garage where Sly had originally fixed up the car for tonight. The location of the garage wasn't that far from the orphanage; in fact, it was on the orphanage's property line. So it was a very convent place for Sly and Bentley to stay at while they worked on the car. it took a lot of hours, but they finally managed to fix the engine, and the car was now smoke free. Bentley smiled at his work, while Sly sulked in the corner about the results of today's earlier interactions with Marla. Bentley walked over and patted the ringtail on the shoulder.

"Well, now that you fixed the car, you can fix the relationship between you and Marla." Bentley proclaimed happily.

"No. my relationship with Marla blew a gasket." Sly sniffled in sadness. "The Impala's pain is over, mine's just begun. Lucky, lucky, Chevy Impala."

As Bentley reached over to give his ever needing friend a much needed hug, again, they were interrupted by the sound of footsteps. As they turned their heads, they noticed none other than their pink hippopotamus, walking backwards and speaking to someone. At first, Bentley assumed it was Lynda, from earlier today. But, as Murray entered the room, and the identity of his new found companion was revealed, Bentley's jaw dropped to the floor with an ever resounding-_thud!_

"I got a copy of the key because my best friend's like an auto-shop TA. And you're my auto-shop TNA" Murray proclaimed lustfully as he held onto the girl's hands and directed her inside the shop.

"Hmmm, I bet," Cindy Vixen replied with a sultry laugh and wink. Then, she preceded the French kiss the hippo and mash her breast against his chest.

Bentley lost it.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Bentley screamed with a demonic, other worldly, growl of anger and frustration. Murray and Cindy immediately stooped and snapped their head to attention. They were caught completely off guard. (Luckily Bentley caught them this earlier. Give them a few more minutes and Bentley would have caught the both of them with their pants down; _literally.)_

"What are you doing my future girlfriend?" Bentley asked enraged.

Cindy rolled her eyes at Bentley's over-dramatic nature, while Murray pulled her in closer. "Oh, were just gonna play a little game of truth or boob." Murray replied nonchalantly. Then, looking at Cindy's eyes, Murray said aloud, "I'm gonna choose boob."

Then, Cindy directed her attention towards the pint sized turtle. "_That's _something you'll never get to do, miss congeniality." Cindy proclaimed at Bentley.

That was the straw that broke the Camel's back. Bentley was now fuming with anger. As he spoke, he proceeded to walk towards Cindy; so, by the end of his confession, he would be standing 3m away from her.

"Oh yeah," Bentley began. "well let me tell you something! All those times I _'accidently' _brushed up against your boobs; _NOT ACCIDENTS!" _ Bentley exclaimed; fully telling the truth. Then, Bentley did something that would go down in the history books as one of the most courageous moves a turtle would ever pull. Once he was directly in front of her, without one ounce of remorse or self-preservation, Bentley lifted his hands…..

And squeezed her boobs. As he did this, he imitated the sound of a car horn. "AIOOOOO, AIOOO, AOOOOOOGA!"

Cindy immediately went for the offensive and started attacking Bentley with her purse…..again. she was so intent on hurting Bentley that when he started running, she literally chased him out of the shop and all the way back to the orphanage; striking him on the back of his head along the way. Murray, who was being left in the dust, proclaimed like a little whinny spoiled child, "COME BACK WITH MY BOOBS!" And proceeded to chase after them.

Sly was now left all alone in the auto-shop. His mind raced with sorrowing thought of depression and suicide. Now, that he was left all alone to his devices and with no one to stop him, Sly decided that he could no longer live. He decided that he would take his life. He locked the door and closed the garage. Now that he was in a confine space, all he had to do was turn the keys to the Chevy and die of carbon monoxide poisoning. But before he did that, he grabed a pen and a sheet of paper, and began to write out his suicide letter.

* * *

_Note: the following is the exact suicide letter I wrote, for bantam. It is by far, possibly, the most stupidest thing you'll ever read ever. It contains the insane ramblings of a depressed and deranged teenage raccoon; high on testosterone and drunk off alcohol. Viewer discretion is advised. _

_Dear whoever finds my body in the car,_

_Sorry that I'm all stiff and gross but….I'm dead. Duh!_

_I killed myself because Marla Fitzpatrick, the prettiest and nicest girl in the world, crushed my heart in her cold bear claws. Or in her case, her squirrel teeth. _

_But don't tell her I killed myself. _

_Tell her….I died in the war. Cause chicks dig guys in uniform, even if their dead._

_I'd like to be creamatted (don't know if that's spelled right, but it doesn't matter. I'm dead.) And have my ashes sprinkled at the Indy 500. And put some of the ashes in the winner's bottle of champagne, so when they have their victory toast, they'll drink my leg._

_Cya,_

_Sly._

* * *

Sly sat in the car and turned on the ignition. The car rumbled like a stampede of horses. With each vibration he felt of the engine running, Sly counted away his seconds of life. He leaned his head back and waited for blissful death to carry him away. In the car with him, was a giant bottle of Jack Daniel's; which he shyly took sips of here and there as he waited for death. When the toxic air first made contact with his lungs, he coughed bitterly as his body tried to reject the toxins that he was urgently wanting to absorbed. After awhile, however, he started to feel woozy. His mind no longer raced. He was peaceful, Zen, and he now accepted his fate.

Then, his father picked up the bottle of Jack Daniel's and took a big swig. "Yep. Death is sweet, huh son?" Father Cooper announced.

"Yeah," Sly unconsciously announced. Suddenly, his eyes opened wide. He screamed and jumped out of the car. He landed on the concrete floor of the garage, and gawked at the ghost of his father. He was just sitting right there beside him. Sly shook his head furiously, trying to assure himself it was a dream, but his father was still there. He wiped his eyes, but Father Cooper still remained. He was surprised by the sudden appearance. Sly immediately got up, and shut off the car. He ran over to the garage door and opened it, letting the toxins expel themselves from the confine space. Sly had to keep himself alive, to speak to his father.

"Dad?" Sly asked with amazement drenching his voice. The ringtail was flabbergasted.

"Yes?" the image of Father Cooper responded. Then he took another swig.

"…..are you like my guardian angel or something?" Sly asked, wanting the logical explanation of why his dead father was standing right here in front of him.

"You can say that," The ghost replied as he made his way out of the car. He slammed the door shut behind him, and stood in front of his son. Sly was confused. His father had the look of disappointed painted bitterly and rashly across his face.

"You seem upset." Sly replied as he studied the features of this mirage.

"That's because I am." The poltergeist replied with a huff.

"Why?" Sly asked curiously.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMBASS!" The phantom shouted with the passionate furry of a thousand bleeding hearts. It was such a tremendous change of volume that it almost sent Sly flying backwards. It startled the poor ringtail for sure. But once the initial shock was over, Sly was angry.

"What? Because I tried killing myself?" He retorted bitterly.

"YES!" The ghost screamed. Then, he calmed himself down, and began to have a heart on heart talk with his son. Sly's long lost father, touched his shoulder, and began to speak with him on normal and polite terms. "listen to me my son," he replied softly. "I've seen Marla, and she is _waaaaaaay _out of your league. You know the first rule of picking up women right? You don't immediately go for the ten in a bar; you find the 7 and drink till she's and 8."

"So that's my problem." Sly asked with a hint of disgust in his voice. He was ashamed that at the moment his father returned, the first thing he did was argue with him, But Sly was too caught up in himself to notice this folly at the time. "I set way to high standards for myself?"

"No," Father Cooper replied caringly. "Your problem is that you're an idiot."

"Yeah, well that's not my only problem." Sly retorted in a mumble.

With a sigh, Father Cooper proceeded to tell a story. "Sly, before I met your mom, I was distraught over many women. There was this one time where I was living with this girl, for three year, and I thought that she was the one; she just had to be! But then, one day, she packed her bags and left. And you know what….I survived. At that moment, I had an epiphany, and I decided not to try and find someone perfect; I decided to just try to find _someone_. Get it? You don't need a soul mate to be your wife. Sure, it helps, but you don't _need _a soul mate. All you really need in your wife to get by, _is a mate! _Someone you eat and fuck with. That's all.

"Yeah, well I found my mate," Sly rejoinder. "And her name is Marla."

"Bullshit," Father Cooper exclaimed with fatherly love. "Did you put your man junk in her egg shack?"

"…..no," Sly replied with a grouse.

"Exactly." Father Cooper continued. "Sly, one day, you'll find a better woman. You'll find one that, even though she has small imperfections, she completes you. She's all the things you're not, but has the things you are so that you can get along. One day, you'll find someone that you know, if you had to spend the rest of your life with them on a deserted island, you wouldn't mind. But, that's only if you decide to move on. Are you going to move on?"

"No," Sly said with conviction. "I want Marla!" He whined like a seven year old.

"She's just a girl!" Sly's father proclaimed.

"No she's not!" Sly screamed with obsession. "She's everything. You're dead, you can't understand that. Next time you got to heaven, ask God for a copy of _Foreigner 4._"

Suddenly, the poltergeist tried a different tacit. Instead of staying and trying to convince Sly to change, the ghost decided to leave, and mock Sly on the way out, by telling him exactly what would happen if Sly were to carry on with his plan of killing himself.

With a shrug, he replied frustrated, "You know what? Fine! Kill yourself. And your friends can write on your tombstone, 'here lies the wussy who just gave up before he got another girl.' And then, they can invite Marla and her new boyfriend over, to have sex on your grave." And with that, the phantom fizzled away, and like sand being tossed about in the wind, he was now just a faint memory and taste.

Sly was furious. He ran out of the garage, made it outside, and cursed to the Heavens above, "YOU KNOW WHAT DAD? FINE! I WON'T KILL MYSELF! I'LL MOVE ON AND FIND A NEW GIRL. AND THEN WE'LL HAVE SEX ON MARLA'S GAVE! HUH! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT!"

* * *

***back in the present***

Amy stared at her father, who was now sitting across from her on the bed, dumbfounded. She couldn't believe was Sly was talking about. She was now sitting on her chair, and while the belt was around her neck, she no longer had it tied to the ceiling fan. She was completely speechless by her father's story.

"You talked to your dead father?" she asked once Sly was finally finished.

"That's not the point." Sly commented as he stood up and off the bed. Amy stood up as well, and kept eye contact with her dad. "The point is, if you kill yourself, you're admitting defeat. You think you have problems? Newsflash Amy, every teenager has experienced a break up. So why don't you just jump down off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and GET OVER IT!"

Before Sly could make another point, a voice rang through the house. It was none other than the fiery Latin, dulcet tones of Sly's wife, and Amy's mother, Carmelita Montoya Fox.

"Amy!" she shouted politely. "Ashton's here to see you."

Nothing could hide Amy's smile as she got up from her chair, and turned towards the door.

"Oh, now we're all happy aren't we?" Sly sardonically stated. "Well, wouldn't you be embarrassed; Ashton walked in and you were hanging there all blue and bloaty. Wouldn't you be red? Speaking of which, the belt is still around your neck."

Amy panicked for a brief second as she franticly tired to dislodge the belt from her being. She tossed it off and away into some decelate corner of her room, and then she proccedded to shyly smile once more. Sly rolled his eyes and opened the door.

And that's when Sly received the biggest shock of his life….ever.

Standing before him was not a jock, nor a nerd, nor an artist, nor a punk, nor a redneck, nor a man. But in fact, it was a _GIRL! _A very beautiful girl at that. She was cheetah, with golden locks, and almond brown eyes. Sly's heart literally stopped. _This must be a mistake, _he rationally thought.

"Hi Amy," the cheetah replied.

And that's when Sly received the lightning bolt that changed his life, forever.

"Hi Ashton," Amy replied as she walked forward. And then she kissed her. _She kissed the cheetah! The cheetah girl is Ashton!_

Sly was flabbergasted. His mind melted into swiss cheese as he watched his daughter make out with another girl. His mind couldn't fully comprehend what was happening. If Sly's mental health wasn't balanced, he would've snapped instantly.

"…..h-h-h-hey," Sly timidly protested; which he was not protesting at all. Amy ended their kiss and turned to look at her father. She gripped Ashton tightly. "Ashton, that's a trick name." Sly stated. "….Amy…I had no clue that you were a…..a…..a"

"A big dike?" Amy spoke for him.

"I was going to say lesbian, but if that's what the kids are calling it…." Sly jokingly said as he held 2 thumbs up and smiled.

Both Amy and Ashton laughed at Sly's awkward goofiness. Suddenly, they turned to look at each other, for both had something to say.

"Listen," Amy began, "I was sorry to assume that you didn't love me. I just thought that you were so pretty and got so much more attention than me, that I was just inferior."

"Don't' you ever think that," Ashton exclaimed with conviction as she pecked Amy's cheek. "It's my fault anyways for not paying much attention to you lately. Well with the conflicting schedule, and the cheerleader practice, and the modeling shots, I just had so much on my plate. But you know what; let me make up for it. I'll take you out for dinner, my treat."

"The usual?" Amy asked.

"Always," Ashton replied. "but….if you want….I was thinking of something more excotic."

"Definatly," Amy answered.

And with that, they ran out the room. as the pranced merrily out the house, they accidently bumped into Carmelita, who was smiling warmly at her daughter's interaction with Ashton, even though she wasn't fully up to speed with what that interaction meant. Once she saw Sly in Amy's room, she laughed and sighed.

"Look at the cute girls going to the mall to check out boys," Carmelita told Sly with happiness booming from her voice. "It reminds me of myself when I was their age."

_It really doesn't, _sly thought to himself as he saw Carmelita walk into the room.

Suddenly, Sly found himself getting drawn towards her. The memories of a dark past replayed themselves, and now that Sly had found himself with this beautiful foxy lady, he couldn't agree more that life was a wonderful choice. Carmelita was so much better than Marla. She was everything Marla was, only better, and everything else that Marla wasn't that Sly wanted. Carm's curvy, yet tone body had him mesmerize for the longest time. He found himself dangerously attracted to her body at this moment. Yes, they both were older, and yes, some scares of aging were starting to show, (Sly was getting a bit of a gut, and Carmelita couldn't remember the last time she _didn't _have crow's feet) but all that didn't matter. They were in love, they were together, and they were happy.

Sly gripped Carm in a powerful bear hug and began swaying with her.

"Well, Sly" Carmelita announced shocked, but not offended. "What's the matter with you?"

"Can I at least have one dance?" Sly moaned into her shoulder as they began to rock in a rhythm. "Slow if possible?"

Fully remembering the story Sly told her of his first encounter with a woman, Carmelita replied, "Hey, you can have as many dances as you like ,at any speed you wish."

"Awww," Sly moaned as they began to dance in Amy's room. It was by far, one of the happiest moments in Sly's life.

Suddenly, Sly felt compelled to tell his wife the news. Pulling back, he stared at her in the eyes, and said…..

"Honey, Amy's a lesbian."

Carmelita's face broke.

* * *

_Being a teenager is the worst 30 years of your life. _

_But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great woman, a great child, a great job and great health._

_But just remember that at any moment, your car can get repossessed because your company gets pulled out from under you, so you can no longer pay the bills because you have an angry wife and a bratty teenager to support and you die of a heart attack from the stress._

_But hey, not one zit._

_This is the end of my diary, for now I have ran out of paper._

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Sly._

* * *

**Thank you all so much. It is finally over. I guess I have nothing else to say but, PLEASE REVIEW, and tell all your friends about this story, and tell them to review as well. Please vote for your favorite fan fic I should do from the list above. Also, tell me your favorite chapter and your favorite moment of that chapter. If enough of you do that, I might make a bloopers chapter. Keep your fingers crossed folks. 10 reviews of this shall do it.**

**With many thankful and humble regards, I wish you the best, have a long, safe, amazing, and happy life,**

**Welcometofightclub**

**Oh, and if this is your first night, you have to fight. *smirks and gives troll face***


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